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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Daughter just being so ungrateful and rude.

79 replies

user1486131602 · 05/05/2019 23:08

Getting a divorce. STBXH was a complete narcacisst, perfect peter was my nickname for him, never ONCE backed me up with the kids, always what he thought was right even tho he was never there!

So, now I am left with a daughter who thinks money falls out of me arse, her dad gave me a grand total of £32.92 this month to feed her and her brother! She's just entitled, and that drives me nuts! I haven't brought her or her brother up differently, so why is she like this! She treats me just as her dad would of. I cant understand why shouting at me would make her problems better?!
I know that we are all having a hard time at the mo, and this is just her way of handling things, plus she has the extra pressure of her GCSE exams, but really it is ALL of us.
I'm trying so hard, my mother was a complete bitch, and I am trying so hard to not be like her (passed away 10yrs ago). My hubby just used me up and now blames me for everything, my son can't wait to leave coz of the situation. So, after all this I'm going to be alone, I'm only fighting for them.......why?
What should I do? Any advice would be welcome!

OP posts:

Hollowvictory · 07/05/2019 13:38

Poor girl she sounds like she's having a really hard time. Parents divorcing, gcses and no money plus teenage hormones. Have you spoken to school about any help available for her, counselling? She's going through a lot.

Aprillygirl · 07/05/2019 14:30

What has your daughter done wrong exactly? You say she's entitled but have given no examples of this.It sounds like you are extremely angry at your ex and taking it out on your daughter to me.

Bluntness100 · 07/05/2019 14:38

Op what is it she feels she's entitled to? You've not really explained for given examples of what's the issue here other than you both going off on one. Have you been telling her she's just like her dad?

Bunbunbunny · 07/05/2019 18:04

OP don't forget about getting support for yourself as well, sounds like you've all had a tough time

Original poster

user1486131602 · 08/05/2019 10:06

She has witnessed her dads illness(MH) and all that it does to us as a family.
That lead to her being diagnosed as depressed.( that’s one of the reasons I’m divorcing) yes I am angry at her DAD, not her.
My parents divorced and I will not treat them the same way.
She has medication as do I.
I do not have a support system, mum dead, dad82, sister don’t talk. That really is it for family.
She has more pocket money, better phone, larger contract, gym paid for, gym clothes and equip paid for, all this is more than our son, his dad told him to ‘ fuck off, your mother has brain washed you,’
She was a daddy’s girl , but has chosen to stay with me?
That’s a little background:
She thinks that money grows on trees and should have whatever whenever, that’s her dads doing. He was well paid and indulged her. Now he is paying nothing. And she just can’t or won’t understand.
She was old enough to choose who she wanted to live with, and choose me.
I was always treated differently to my sister, so I have made a determined effort to make sure everyone treated my son and daughter EXACTLY the same. I love them the same amount, but they are different people. They are my life.
We are all going thru a hard time in the last 12 months we have endured: a death, a breakdown, a divorce and a change of lifestyle. She has had to deal wit( this plus hormones, school, boyfriend, and exams.
I understand.
I was just asking for advice.
Thank you to those who posted.

OP posts:

ElsieMc · 08/05/2019 10:16

My eldest dd is still hopeless with money in her thirties. Two of her children reside with me but she still guilt trips me regularly. She has a job and gets UC top up. I know things are tight but they are completely manageable if she did not go away for weekends and go out drinking and for meals. This month alone I have topped up her food and paid for dental work because I cannot see someone in pain.

Yesterday she wanted to know what I was buying one of my other gc's for her birthday. She wants some designer clothes but this is not what gc wants at all and its simply my dd asking me to pay for what she cannot afford. She also showed me an expensive item she wants for her birthday, telling me something less was "rubbish". She was also pressurising me to buy top end makeup. It makes me feel bad about myself.

Whilst your dd is in her teens, I would be very firm now. I was not, and I feel I contributed toward her sense of entitlement. If she wants to spend time with her dad then so be it as I think this will be a short, sharp shock. Do remember that teenagers are very selfish generally but sometimes the past forms the future.

Ticklingcheese · 08/05/2019 10:26

Sorry you are having such a hard time, re teen problems Try reading the Is parenting a teen adversely affecting your mh thread. Best wishes.

MacrosomicMumma · 08/05/2019 10:30

So you spent years with a guy that you say is a narcissist and wonder why one of your children is like him??

The person to be annoyed with is yourself. You made the decision to be with him and stay with him and your daughter is the result of that.

I feel deeply sorry for her because now you are angry with her for being something you created together.

Get counselling for you all.

FoxSquadKitten · 08/05/2019 13:10

but she just say' that's right I just like my dad' and storms off.

As others have said, you've obviously been comparing her to a person you despise - not very nice.

Death, divorce, change of lifestyle AND GCSEs, poor kid. She's just lashing out at the person she loves the most.

Take no notice, let her vent 💐

Bluntness100 · 08/05/2019 17:23

Op, I have o be honest you do not write like someone who likes their daughter very much.

You appear to have no empathy for her change in circumstances, you appear to not understand why she would chose to,live with you, and that you dislike her and feel her relationship is better with her father and she is a narcissist just like him. You've clearly been telling her she's like him as a way to make her feel shit.

It really isn't very pleasant reading to be honest. Try at least to have some empathy for this fifteen year old girl, going through her GCSEs. Divorcing parents, who don't seem to be behaving well, and then thr loss or reduction of things like phones and pocket money.

You're an adult. You chose to marry your ex and have kids with him. She's impotent and chose none of this.

Yesicancancan · 08/05/2019 18:04

It’s not the divorce that is causing the most damage, it’s the way its being handled.

Original poster

user1486131602 · 08/05/2019 19:45

Let me reply:
MY KIDS ARE MY LIFE.
I LOVE my daughter with all my heart.
It’s just hard to be the person she takes things out on.
How any of you could think I don’t understand her situation is beyond me, I have tried, really tried to stay connected, but she does have a lot on her plate, not least being a teenager.
I was asking for some constructive advice as to handle the situation differently, I was not asking to be vilified.
WHO do you think I’m protecting by divorcing?
No more posts from me.

OP posts:

StillCoughingandLaughing · 08/05/2019 23:35

Why do people post here only to claim they’re being ‘flamed’ or ‘vilified’ if the responses are anything other than ‘OMG hun u poor thing hope ur ok?! 💔’ Do you literally just want a chorus of agreement?

StoppinBy · 09/05/2019 02:35

I actually think your DD is old enough for you to have a general conversation about the financial side of things, nothing specific or directed at her father but just a general 'this is how much we have, this is how much we spend' and then empathise with her 'I am sorry that we don't have as much spare money as we used to and that I can't spend as much on extras anymore but this is all we have'.

It must be a very hard landing when she has been able to have lots of extras and now there are next to none, completely understandable from an adult viewpoint, not so much from hers.

Bellasorellaa · 09/05/2019 03:02

I acted like this to my mum and I will regret it for the rest of my life

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/05/2019 03:12

My DD is like this.

Wont talk but then says she cant talk to me as I dont care, and she isnt going through the trauma your DD is.

Take heart from the fact that ime kids usually kick off worst at the person they trust the most. She knows that you will still love her and be there for her even at her most vile, so she can let out all her hurt at you. She has read her father right, flatter him and he will love her but argue and he will not love her any more.

She isnt angry at you for not shitting £20 notes, but at her father for proving just how little he cares about you all when things dont go his way.

That's why she chose to stay with you. Take comfort from that xx

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/05/2019 03:13

Oh and I love my children, I would die for them.

Didnt stop me lying that I was starting work an hour early today just to get an hours peace........

Agednotwine · 09/05/2019 03:31

Dd doesn't want to know me. If I dropped off the face of the earth, that would be her preferred outcome.
So, I have to step back and then take another step back further, otherwise, I risk telling her what's what.
I did tell her what's what one day - she didn't speak to me for weeks.
Its not worth it.

They hate us at their age. We are mere insects irritating them.

I'm trying not to take it personally. I've had a little cry for myself at times, but mainly I'm just letting her have her space - as far from me as possible - and trying to remember that I was just the same at the same age (though with better reason in my head lol).

YouJustDoYou · 09/05/2019 03:41

I never understand how people say "very typical of a teenage girl". None of my friends were like that. My cousins weren't like that. I only first heard teenagers were apparently expected to be like that when I was older and some smug cow in a shop was telling her friend "just you wait, teenagers are all so rude and demanding".

Agednotwine · 09/05/2019 03:45

@YouJustDoYou You're not a mum of teenage girl are you?

At school and in society she is somewhat of an angel. For which I am grateful. Me? I'm a nuisance to her.

YouJustDoYou · 09/05/2019 03:58

No but i was one? My friends were ones? My cousins were ones? I don't know, we just didn't speak to our parents like that, I don't get why the teenagers 20 years later are so rude apparently. My male friends and cousins weren't like that either. I don't know, I guess I just knew odd ones out then.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/05/2019 04:23

YouJustDo
Not all teens are like this. I don’t have a teen yet. I have a tween. She strops already. From what I can gather with teens the ones, who don’t go through this stage have had both good enough parenting and very even temperaments or are traumatised in some way and too afraid to speak out. Perhaps there are other reasons. I cannot profess to being an expert having only been a teen myself.

If you’re a parent my guess is that your child is closer to the age of a baby than a teen.

FoxSquadKitten · 09/05/2019 09:20

I don't know, we just didn't speak to our parents like that, I don't get why the teenagers 20 years later are so rude apparently.

Come off it, it's not just teenagers these days. Some (not all) teenagers were rude, stroppy and entitled years ago, certainly when I was a kid I used to say some horrible things to my DM, I didn't mean it ☹️

EmeraldShamrock · 09/05/2019 11:39

Not all teens are like that, I was a horrible teen 25 years ago, my hormones and MH had an awful affect on me.
I am dreading DDs teen years, I hope she is one of the quieter ones. I doubt it

Singlenotsingle · 09/05/2019 12:01

Talk to her and explain that if she isn't happy with you, she's more than welcome to go and live with her df. You will help her pack and you can drop her off. That's fair, isn't it?

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