Aibu Husband Took leftovers without asking

[JonSnowsFurCoat]

Prepared to be told iabu as I’ve recently been diagnosed with a medical condition. It’s not life limiting but is something I will have to mange carefully for the rest of my life so I may be overreacting.

I have 4 dc (incl twins, all under the age of 7yrs). I’m a sahm for now.

Dh is massively overweight. Doctor has told him he needs to lose it, it’s already affecting his health quite badly and he is on several different medications. He also suffers from gout with flare ups every few months. I know he struggles with food so I told him we would diet together and we have been doing a low carb/high protein diet. He’s doing well and has lost some weight, as have I.

The problem is his general laziness (have had issues before where I felt he wasn’t pulling his weight with the kids) has now extended to food.

I do mostly all the housework and child care. He leaves for work before the kids wake up, comes home when they’re asleep and works every weekend. To add to my already full pile, he now wants me to make him special lunches in line with the diet. He also has started going to the gym. This is fine in itself, but he won’t cut into his hobby time. He leaves even earlier for work or goes straight after work. Two nights a week he does a hobby which he goes to straight from work. He never misses it.

He does have two days a week off, usually wed/thurs. 3 of the dc are in school/nursery so he mostly sleeps during those hours. He will do the school run on the days he’s home.

As I say, we have a ongoing battle as I feel he doesn’t contribute any time to the household at all. I’m sinking with all the cleaning, cooking, most of the school runs, homework, pets etc. He just goes to work and comes home. Now expects me to also make his lunch.

All came to a head this morning. I made dinner last night and made extra so we could have the leftovers today as dc will be with their grandparents. I thought it would be nice not to have to cook for a day. He got in a strop with me yesterday for not making him lunch so he has taken the whole tub of leftovers. I’m really annoyed and tbh it’s the last straw for me.

Aibu to just leave. I’m exhausted.

Well, you really can't dictate what he does and doesnt eat. And you certainly can't tell him not to.
But you don't have to make it for him

No if you have had enough you have had enough. Everyone has their own line and he has clearly crossed yours - the expectation that on top of everything else you should make him lunch and now he has punished you for not doing it

Well, you really can't dictate what he does and doesnt eat.

You bloody well can when it;s food you've shopped for, prepared and cooked.

Sit down and have very serious chat. If that falls on deaf ears he can cook (and do everything else) for himself.

Selfish git.

This is not about the leftovers. But I think you know that.

YANBU, it sounds like he makes your life harder instead of easier.

He sounds like a waste of space. How dare he demand you make his lunch on top of everything else?!

He did the wrong thing taking the food without checking if it was ok. It’s not about you dictating what he eats, but it’s about respect. And he doesn’t have any for you, it seems.

hazell42 Did you actually read the post what a bizarre response.

OP, Yanbu - it's all part and parcel of his disregard for you and your children. You'd be amazed at 'the final straw' stories I've read/heard. Mine came about over a cup that was placed next to the sink, not inside the sink.

If it's the end of the road then for your mental/emotional and physical health then leaving would be for the best. Given you're more or less doing everything - he's just an added load that brings you nothing but frustration and disappointment.

What does he say when you point all this out to him? Or have you repeatedly done so to no avail bar a few days of change and empty promises?

Why on earth can't he make his own lunches?

I would also be telling him that he needs to be home two nights a week at a reasonable time so I can go out to do a hobby / go to the gym. You may not want to do this; if you don't, maybe you have a friend locally who wouldn't mind you going to watch tv / read at book at their house during this time for a break?

It sounds like you should treat weds/thurs as your weekend. You're both at home, so you both get to have a bit of a break. He needs to do half the housework/ childcare on those two days, and you both get one day of lie-in.

...and I wouldn't bother to cook for him this evening. He took the left-overs - that was his dinner. He'll have to figure something else out for himself tonight.

It sounds utterly draining

He is a rubbish husband. Don't live like this.

Well you know since he's already eaten his tea, there won't be any waiting for him when he gets in will there be OP?

Feed yourself, let him sort himself out.

So he spends all his time working or going to the gym and when he is home he sleeps.

What is the point of him?

He makes his own food from now on.

Plus tbh it sounds as if he would see his kids more if you did split up and you would get a break

He sounds useless

Thanks for all the replies.

I have spoken to him about this and honestly, I believe he thinks I’m being petty and greedy by not letting him take the leftovers. The thing is, I explained to him last night that I’d purposely make extra so I wouldn’t have to cook today.

Sometime I feel as if he thinks I should just do everything because he works.

I do go out once a week for dinner with my friends. We usually go late as he comes back late. He never stops me tbf. If I wanted to go out on a weekend I just have to let him know so he can take the day off.

He’s just lazy and bad with time management. I think because I’m a good cook, he assumes it’s no biggy for me to whip something up for him. Thing is, I take on most of the physical and mental load, 99% of the time. I’m tired. It’s another thing added to my already full list.

He got in a strop with me yesterday for not making him lunch

This is the problem.

I have never, ever even asked my dh to make me a lunch for work, let alone got in a strop if he didn't.

You need to tell him very clearly that you won't be making his lunch. That is one thing he can do for himself. Then ignore any stopping.

If he doesn't change his attitude pretty sharpish then it might be time to consider if you really want to continue living like this.

He sounds a right slob.

my and my DW share the housework, she does about 60-70% of it.

I work away.

When I'm home - I'm like a little house elf - and she gets waited on.

Sometimes it drives me potty (I want to be spoiled when I';m home! Lol - but she's knackered too of course) - sometimes i don't do enough, sometimes she doesn't -

But - overall we're a sodding good team and the kids help out loads too - they make their own pack ups, and help with the chores too - having a good work ethic means home life too - not just the payroll stuff.

Overall we're all pulling our weight.

your situation sounds like fucking drudgery.

We can all take a bit of drudgery for a while, we've all been there - but if change isn't on the horizon, it feels like a life sentence, rather than a partnership.

Tell him to get his fat ass into gear - if he's already on metformin, Amlodipine and omeprazole (guesswork) - well, he's risking early retirement - or an early grave - just make sure he's well insured - or give him boot in the plums and tell him to buck up!

Stop making left overs and his lunches.

4 kids and a medical condition and he’s not pitching in. This isn’t just about the dinner. This is about everything and his lack of respect for you. He has left you alone, exhausted with 4 children and no food cooked. Just wow.

Must be much easier being him if all he does is work, work out and do his hobby then sleep. I do wonder how tired he is. He’s overweight and training. If he’s hitting that too hard his need to rest increases. That’s why he should be balancing his life far more. He is making his whole life about weight loss. That’s just not ok.

What was he like before?

ChairmanMeow999G
Thanks for your reply. You’re right it is drudgery. I’m sick of it. I feel like I’m stuck in Groundhog Day.

My dh is the king of downplaying and making me feel like I’m moaning for nothing. If we have a big argument, he’ll usually change for a couple of days, make all the right noises, but he always goes back.

Actually agree with pp, I would be better off if we split. I’m already doing everything myself anyway.

The test will be at the end of the month when I go on holiday for 10 days. I’m taking the two older dc and the younger two are staying with him. Maybe when he has to do all my chores full time he’ll see how much I actually do

The leftovers would be fine with me. None of the rest of his behaviour would be ok at all. You don't have any downtime so he needs to stop prioritising hobbies until everything else is being done. He also needs to help with the work at home; 4 kids under 7 when you're ill and there's no way you can be expected to do it all yourself. He also should be doing a share of the cooking and certainly sorting out his own lunch. You're not a team if he sees his needs as being more important than yours. Very serious conversation time, YANBU to think he's making your life harder.

Why do I get the feeling you'll come back to a sink full of dirty dishes and overflowing laundry? If that's indeed what happens DON'T SORT IT OUT FOR HIM.

Mummyoflittledragon
He has always been lazy but will do things if I ask. Over the years, he’s slowly getting lazier.

Another issue I have is him not ever offering or using his own initiative and just pitching in. I feel like I’m his mother where I have to always ask/beg and then eventually he’ll do things. He’s notorious for starting jobs then not finishing them.