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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu Husband Took leftovers without asking

89 replies

JonSnowsFurCoat · 05/05/2019 13:28

Prepared to be told iabu as I’ve recently been diagnosed with a medical condition. It’s not life limiting but is something I will have to mange carefully for the rest of my life so I may be overreacting.

I have 4 dc (incl twins, all under the age of 7yrs). I’m a sahm for now.

Dh is massively overweight. Doctor has told him he needs to lose it, it’s already affecting his health quite badly and he is on several different medications. He also suffers from gout with flare ups every few months. I know he struggles with food so I told him we would diet together and we have been doing a low carb/high protein diet. He’s doing well and has lost some weight, as have I.

The problem is his general laziness (have had issues before where I felt he wasn’t pulling his weight with the kids) has now extended to food.

I do mostly all the housework and child care. He leaves for work before the kids wake up, comes home when they’re asleep and works every weekend. To add to my already full pile, he now wants me to make him special lunches in line with the diet. He also has started going to the gym. This is fine in itself, but he won’t cut into his hobby time. He leaves even earlier for work or goes straight after work. Two nights a week he does a hobby which he goes to straight from work. He never misses it.

He does have two days a week off, usually wed/thurs. 3 of the dc are in school/nursery so he mostly sleeps during those hours. He will do the school run on the days he’s home.

As I say, we have a ongoing battle as I feel he doesn’t contribute any time to the household at all. I’m sinking with all the cleaning, cooking, most of the school runs, homework, pets etc. He just goes to work and comes home. Now expects me to also make his lunch.

All came to a head this morning. I made dinner last night and made extra so we could have the leftovers today as dc will be with their grandparents. I thought it would be nice not to have to cook for a day. He got in a strop with me yesterday for not making him lunch so he has taken the whole tub of leftovers. I’m really annoyed and tbh it’s the last straw for me.

Aibu to just leave. I’m exhausted.

OP posts:
Passthecherrycoke · 05/05/2019 17:05

Don’t show him the post.

Housing and caring for 4 children is going to be hugely expensive- take your time to get all your ducks in a row before you do anything

NoSquirrels · 05/05/2019 17:06

Oh, I'm so sorry for you, OP, you sound really exhausted and ground down.

I think you need to fix it before September, or it will be even worse when you are working too.

Do you need a visual representation of free time vs jobs? Charting out how many hours a day you are both 'working' and then you can pass on responsibility for some of the jobs to him wholesale.

You can't go on doing everything for 4 DC and an extra adult, especially if you have a health condition to manage.

Gardai · 05/05/2019 17:14

So OP - why are you with this lazy greedy porker ?

AlaskanOilBaron · 05/05/2019 17:16

Eek. Sounds dreadful. I'm not really seeing what he brings to the table, other than money obviously.

Was he overweight when you married him?

derxa · 05/05/2019 17:32

Doesnt sound that lazy tbh I agree

Sedona123 · 05/05/2019 17:40

YANBU to want to leave. It sounds like your life would be a lot easier without your DH to deal with too. That said, it sounds like he's been a lazy, selfish arse for years so you WBU to have four DC with him in the first place.

Greyponcho · 05/05/2019 17:48

I know its nit about the leftovers, but they’re not leftovers. It was food specifically prepared and planned to feed two people so that you could save yourself one job. It wasn’t accidental leftovers.
He clearly didn’t give a shit by swiping it all, maybe taking a single portion out if he was in a rush and apologetic could be forgiven, as there’d be the chance to stretch the rest with bread or salad for your dinner tonight.
But no. He was thoughtless and the no cups of tea/heating soup when you’re ill shows thats a habit for him.
He sounds very demanding and selfish.

Does he actually realise all that you do? Maybe make a list of everything - they physical jobs, the things that need to be remembered etc. that he is evidently taking for granted, and show him in black and white. Tell him his most recent selfish act may be the straw that has broken the camels back

Cryalot2 · 05/05/2019 17:50

Poor you, you have so much to deal with.
Does he really understand your health problems? I mean really and why you need him to pull his weight..?
Or is he having the ostrich mode ( bury head in sand and hope it will be ok)
You need to think what you want long term, and then have a calm chat.

Greyponcho · 05/05/2019 17:50

Plus when does he actually get to spend quality time with his DC? Sad

losingfaith · 05/05/2019 17:55

He knew you made extra for dinner tonight's meal. To be frank if I were you I'd make something small for you and when he asks for dinner, Point out he has already eaten it.

losingfaith · 05/05/2019 17:56

You do also need to have a serious chat about things generally going forward as this is clearly the tip of the iceberg

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 05/05/2019 18:17

I don't think he sounds lazy either. He leaves for work before the children are up and returns late five day a week. He's working hard to provide financially for six people alone. The person home not working should be picking up the household stuff.

Twice a week for a hobby isn't a lot to ask. You admit you go out once a week so not much difference. I'd be behind the gym visits all the way given being the only earner means he needs to be healthy enough to work.

You claim it wouldn't be any different without him but you'd have to work to support five people on top of the everyday house stuff that adults just have to do.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 05/05/2019 18:36

He may do his hobby only twice a week but it's after work so this is leisure time on top of his weds/thu days off as well.

As to his long work days, it depends on whether he's genuinely working hard or whether he's going in early/staying late to opt out of family life and take it easier during his core working hours. Given how inconsiderate he is in not even heating up a tin of soup for OP when she's unwell, I'd guess it might be the latter.

Original poster
JonSnowsFurCoat · 05/05/2019 20:31

MyCatHatesEverybody
We have had arguments before as he has flexible hours at work and he chooses to do extra hours so he can leave early on his two hobby days. So the leaving early/coming home late, is 4 extra hours so he can leave 2 hours early on both his hobby days. His commute is around 45 mins-1 hour if the traffic is very bad.

He also work extra hours during the week when his team is playing so he can leave early and watch the match with his mates at the pub

OP posts:
Original poster
JonSnowsFurCoat · 05/05/2019 20:32

These are the Sunday matches

OP posts:
Original poster
JonSnowsFurCoat · 05/05/2019 20:34

Also agree with Palme posters, I definitely will not be showing him this thread

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 05/05/2019 20:45

He seems to have a lot of time for himself. Hobbies twice a week plus gym plus Sunday pub trip. Must be nice to live as though you’re single with no kids and the bonus of having meals prepared and your life organised.

Quartz2208 · 05/05/2019 20:49

what does he bring to your life - honestly OP because he is one of the worst cases of selfish man child I have ever come across

Hisnamesblaine · 05/05/2019 20:52

Im sorry i wouldnt be happy with all his hobbys pub etc. Does he not complain about not having much time with the kids??

Original poster
JonSnowsFurCoat · 05/05/2019 21:20

Hisnamesblaine
He does say often he misses the kids and wishes he could spend more time with them. He never actually does anything to make it happen.

It’s not every Sunday he goes to the pub. Just when a Sunday match his team plays is on.

OP posts:
StillCoughingandLaughing · 05/05/2019 22:20

I thought you were being precious about the leftovers until you posted that you’d specifically mentioned cooking double portions. This suggests he has deliberately ignored you.

I would sit him down and tell him that, while you’re proud of him for trying to lose weight, he needs to take responsibility for it himself. You’re not his housekeeper.

LannieDuck · 06/05/2019 09:42

What's going to happen when you go back to work (PT) in Sept? Have you discussed how you'll be arranging childcare / housework between the two of you?

My prediction is that he'll assume he'll continue to do none of it. But that's would be hugely unfair since you'll be working too. Perhaps you should still do a bit more than him, but he'll need to start pulling his weight (no pun intended).

TreadingThePrimrosePath · 06/05/2019 09:48

So he ‘s massively overweight and works hard?
Insure him heavily, stop fussing about his diet and encourage him to get very over-excited about the football. Feed him proper man food, heavy on the processed meats and fats.
Problem should sort itself out in a year or so.

Lunde · 06/05/2019 10:28

What hours does he work though if hes leaving before kids wake up and back after they are in bed and working weekends. Doesnt sound that lazy tbh

If you read OP's posts you will see that he is not working all of these hours - he comes home late because he has plenty of "me time" - he goes to the gym and does another hobby after work twice a week.

livefornaps · 06/05/2019 10:49

Are you even attracted to him? Do you still have sex? Because he sounds fucking rank.

Do you wake up every morning and your first thought when you see him is a reflexive "love you!"

Or do you just think "you fucking inconsiderate lazy pig who can't even raise a pudgy trotter to make me a cup of tea."

What's your gut instinct?