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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel a little upset I wasn’t told or invited

79 replies

Ilovetakeaways · 05/05/2019 05:06

Partner doesn’t see why I’m upset. His child’s party is coming up. We don’t have any children together and we have been together 3.5 years. The child’s mum has arranged a party for him and his school mates. My partner told me his son was having a party in the week but didn’t mention he would be going too. He hasn’t been forthcoming in telling me what plans he has arranged himself for his son or invited me to be part of anything. We went birthday shopping for him together and I brought him a lovely gift. I asked what were his plans were for his sons birthday and he mentioned taking him after his party for a few hours. I asked if he was going to the party and he said yes. I feel miffed that he didn’t tell me in the week that he would be going. Feels like he didn’t want me to know as the ex will be there. I haven’t met the ex and we haven’t had anything to do with each other. Not because we don’t like each other but I guess there just hasn’t been a reason to cross paths.
He hasn’t arranged for me to be able to give his son my gift at any point during his birthday. I feel excluded. Also feeling like the relationship hasn’t progressed as it would have been nice to present as a team and also be able to attend at 3 and a half years into a relationship. Also that I would be part of the birthday celebration. Would have been nice if he’d have acknowledged my feelings but explain he would be going to support his child. Or if there are things going on behind the scenes eg son doesn’t like me or the sons mum doesn’t want me there then he only needs to say that and I will understand. Wish I didn’t feel pushed out.

OP posts:

maidenover · 05/05/2019 05:29

Why wouldn’t he go to his son’s birthday party?

TinyGhostWriter · 05/05/2019 05:30

I think you are over thinking this.

It’s your partners son’s mother who has organised this party, so it’s not for your partner to invite you. You say yourself, you have never met her. You are not being excluded, the relationship is just not there. This may change over time, but every family dynamic is different.

It doesn’t sound like your partner is being particularly proactive in making plans with his son for his birthday, but if he is co parenting, then compromises have to be made with things like this. Does he generally take an active role in his son’s life?

Reading between the lines in your post- it sounds like you want to take on role of a step parent, but you don’t mention the relationship you have with his son. Surely if you spend time together you would know if he likes you?

If you know this child, I don’t understand why you are waiting for your partner to tell you when you can give him a gift- couldn’t you suggest an opportunity, or at least have a conversation with your partner about what you would like to do?

slipperywhensparticus · 05/05/2019 05:35

Did you pay towards the gift? I would expect to be there when the child receives it,? Is there anything else going on? What happened last year?

Romax · 05/05/2019 05:58

He’s putting his son first
He doesn’t want even the hint of tension etc at his party
Pick up the point about wanting to be more of a family unit but not in relation to the birthday party

MintyT · 05/05/2019 06:01

I get upset at things like this. Do you feel he hasn't told you he going to the party in a direct way, just mentioned the party and that he's taking him out after ( so he assumes you know he's going and you assume he not but seeing him after.
Do you live together? Do you have a relationship with the DC?
You need to tell him your upset that your not going with him to the party, and that you would like to go to see the DC enjoy his day.
you both are not communicating very well.

megrichardson · 05/05/2019 06:18

I can see both sides of this: You're either the partner of your partner or you're not, it looks like he suddenly wants one aspect of his life to be conducted without you, as if you don't exist.

But I also see his side: the mother of his child has organised it and he is doing the right thing by being there for his child as his father.

If I were you I would try to see your partner's side and not make it difficult for him because it will look like you're jealous. Perhaps next time you see his son you can do a little cake and give your present then. Your partner sounds like a decent dad and that's a very positive thing, try not to make him feel bad about this.

swingofthings · 05/05/2019 06:23

He knew it would upset you so delayed telling you about it. The reason why you are not invited most likely is because as a first meeting, it is likely to feel a bit awkward and neither she not he want this awkwardness to happen on their child's birthday, a time they want to concentrate on their child. Wasn't it the same last year?

How about you tell him that you understand, but say that it now might be a good time to arrange meeting with mum if you are comfortable with this and she too. The gift should be given when the child is next at your house.

JenniferJareau · 05/05/2019 06:28

It sounds like you don't live together, after 3.5 years is there a reason why not?

Decormad38 · 05/05/2019 06:30

I don’t think this birthday party is the time for a meeting between the X and you. Its the childs birthday! So this is a day for them, not you. If you have a relationship with the child take him out and give him your gift then.

Boomsk · 05/05/2019 06:35

Aw OP, I think I'd feel like you too! It's not like you're a gf of 6 months.

Loopytiles · 05/05/2019 06:37

He should have told you, but wasn’t U not to invite you, especially since his ex organised the event.

TabbyMumz · 05/05/2019 07:06

It's not about you. It's the Sons birthday. Do you really think the child or his Mum want their Dad's girlfriend there? This is an occasion where you don't go. Children get invited to children's party's, not adults.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 05/05/2019 07:11

How well do you know his son

converseandjeans · 05/05/2019 07:15

It's not about you - it's about him wanting to see his child on their birthday. Try not to overthink it.
Agree with others that it's not an appropriate time to meet his ex.
Just keep the present for next time you see DS and make it special. Get a little cake and make it an extra birthday treat. That can then be your little thing. At their party they would hardly notice you if you were just one of the many there.

flumpybear · 05/05/2019 07:17

The mum organises a party for her son, father invites but she doesn't know you, why would you want to meet ex's gf at your child's party, you wouldn't! So not surprised you weren't invited

If you're not living with your boyfriend do you actually spend quality time with the child? He may still be in the mum and dad bubble I'm afraid in which case you need to hold back til you're part of the inner circle of the family

LizzieSiddal · 05/05/2019 07:22

If you haven’t met your partner’s ex wife, you really should not be going to the birthday party. It’s not the place for a first meeting.

nrpmum · 05/05/2019 07:23

My DSS has two birthdays. One party his Mum throws that DH helps cater and goes to because DSS is his son, and we have a day doing something DSS loves when we have him. I feel it is only right DH goes to his sons party.

I have no inclination to deal with 20 hyped up kids, and also I'm not DSS mum. He's a funny, caring, loving little boy that I completely adore. He is not mine though, and I feel it is not my place.

AdoreTheBeach · 05/05/2019 07:25

I can understand your wanting to be more involved after 3.5 years, but there needs to be more communication between you and your DP then plan a course of action one what you agree as regards his son. Including perhaps meeting the ex so the ex is aware of your involvement in her sin’s Life.

Additionally, Your DP can’t know that your desired involvement in his son’s birthday this year would be any different than previous years unless you say something (or you have moved in together but also failed to discuss how that impacts his DC).

Perhaps ask him to bring your gift or on the weekend after you and DP take son for a birthday treat and you can give him the gift.

Twillow · 05/05/2019 07:26

Admirable that you want to be included. Have you actually said that to your partner though? I wouldn't expect to go to the party but maybe discuss with your partner if you could do something together with his son afterwards. Maybe he just hasn't realised. But if he gets cagey about it, I'd expect that he thinks the time is not right yet and that's entirely his decision putting his child's interest first, which is right.

stucknoue · 05/05/2019 07:29

To be honest it's nice to read for once that separated parents are both going to their child's party - but I can completely understand why you would not be invited, you haven't met the ex and a kids birthday party is not the time. That's not to say that your dp is off the hook - he should arrange a treat, maybe pizza or similar for the three of you and give the gift(s). Finally in the next few weeks, arranging for you to meet the mother is probably a good idea, I'm surprised separated parents don't want to meet the adult whose helping care for their child quite frankly, but it needs to be in a non pressured situation, not a party!

Karwomannghia · 05/05/2019 07:31

He should have talked it over with you rather than avoiding the issue. He’s doing that burying his head in the sand thing. Its understandable that he doesn’t want you to meet his ex for the first time at his son’s party, he might never want you to and he’ll have his reasons, you have to respect that, but ask for him to talk it over with you.

speakout · 05/05/2019 07:31

I'm sorry you feel excluded OP, but you have to try to see the bigger picture.
If you had a party would you want your ex and his new girlfriend turning up?

You say that your boyfriend's ex does not know about you- is there a reason she should? Do you live with your boyfriend?

There is no real reason she needs to know about you really. And if your boyfriend did want you to meet the ocassion of this child's birthday party is not the place or time.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 05/05/2019 07:38

It wouldn't be appropriate for you to attend the party. You're not a parent to this child, and it does read a bit as if you would like to have the status of a parent. You will always be secondary in this boy's life - you can be a loving and enriching presence, and that is wonderful, but secondary all the same - while he has living and engaged parents, and that is the way it should be. Are there concerns about your partner and his ex at the root of this? Do you want him to make some kind of statement of your importance to her?

finn1020 · 05/05/2019 07:44

How old is the birthday boy, and where is the party, at his Mum’s or a public venue?

Also as you’ve said it’s a party for him and his school mates ... are you expecting aunts, uncles, grandparents too?

Eustasiavye · 05/05/2019 07:44

The person that matters here is the son. Everyone else is secondary.
I understand your feelings but don't become one of those partners who interfere in the relationship between a child and their parent.
Talk to your partner but make sure that he sees his son when ever he chooses, with or without you.

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