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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel a little upset I wasn’t told or invited

79 replies

Ilovetakeaways · 05/05/2019 05:06

Partner doesn’t see why I’m upset. His child’s party is coming up. We don’t have any children together and we have been together 3.5 years. The child’s mum has arranged a party for him and his school mates. My partner told me his son was having a party in the week but didn’t mention he would be going too. He hasn’t been forthcoming in telling me what plans he has arranged himself for his son or invited me to be part of anything. We went birthday shopping for him together and I brought him a lovely gift. I asked what were his plans were for his sons birthday and he mentioned taking him after his party for a few hours. I asked if he was going to the party and he said yes. I feel miffed that he didn’t tell me in the week that he would be going. Feels like he didn’t want me to know as the ex will be there. I haven’t met the ex and we haven’t had anything to do with each other. Not because we don’t like each other but I guess there just hasn’t been a reason to cross paths.
He hasn’t arranged for me to be able to give his son my gift at any point during his birthday. I feel excluded. Also feeling like the relationship hasn’t progressed as it would have been nice to present as a team and also be able to attend at 3 and a half years into a relationship. Also that I would be part of the birthday celebration. Would have been nice if he’d have acknowledged my feelings but explain he would be going to support his child. Or if there are things going on behind the scenes eg son doesn’t like me or the sons mum doesn’t want me there then he only needs to say that and I will understand. Wish I didn’t feel pushed out.

OP posts:

Louloubelle78 · 05/05/2019 07:48

I think it is lovely that you want to be so involved in his so s life particularly when you don't have any children or one together. I think he was evasive as maybe the mum didn't want you to go and he couldn't find the words to tell you. Just let it go this year so your partner can enjoy his son's birthday.

My partner and I have been together nearly 6 years. I would only say in the last year myself and his ex have had an easy transactional relationship. There was no ow situation. She just found it difficult to see him with someone else and I respected that. It could be that. I also understand where the mum is coming from.

Just plan something nice for the three of you. I have learnt that by letting my partner do what he wants regarding the kids/ ex etc we've come together and reached an understanding in an organic way. Slightly different for me as he had teenage girls that I certainly couldn't push myself into!!!

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/05/2019 07:52

Your dps ex has organised a party for their ds and invited him. You haven’t been invited. That’s totally normal imo and your dp wasn’t in a position to invite you anyway. Your dp didn’t communicate this either because he’s crap at communication or to avoid the upset. Try not to overthink it.

Tbh instead of making this about you, you should be pleased he and his ex have a good relationship. As for giving the present, that can be done the next time you see his ds.

Do you live together?

HennyPennyHorror · 05/05/2019 07:53

I haven’t met the ex and we haven’t had anything to do with each other.

And you think her child's birthday party would be the perfect opportunity for this to happen?

It's not about you OP. Give your partner the gift you bought his son....he can pass it on.

DownStreet · 05/05/2019 07:54

How old is the child, and how much time do you spend with him? It’s his party and you may not feature much on his radar, or he may prefer his dad’s undivided attention.

Bluntness100 · 05/05/2019 07:56

It's his sons birthday party, it is normal for both parents to be there. It's also normal for thr dads partner to not be invited if it's more a kids event.

Really this ones about the kid. Not you. Don't make it all about you.

RhiWrites · 05/05/2019 08:05

Talk to him. Say “so when shall we give our present? I don’t want you to take it to the party because I want to be there when he opens it?” And find a time. You’re a part of this child’s life too.

Sunnysidegold · 05/05/2019 08:18

The birthday party would not be an appropriate time to meet the ex. I would not have expected an invitation in your circumstances.

If you are wanting to meet the ex then tell your partner and arrange that for another time. Dad is doing the right thing by going. It's nice for the son that his parents can celebrate his birthday together.

I would perhaps talk about how you would like to celebrate the three of you and plan something else.

IncrediblySadToo · 05/05/2019 08:23

3.5 years and you haven’t met his child’s Mum?

3.5 years and he’s being evasive about his child’s birthday plans?

This isn’t sounding good, it seems like he doesn’t see you as his partner, just as a girlfriend.

Hazlenutpie · 05/05/2019 08:26

You’re being over invested in this and I can see why he didn’t tell you, quite honestly. You need to chill and allow him to enjoy his son as he wants to.

Singlenotsingle · 05/05/2019 08:34

Wrong time, wrong place. A child's birthday party is for children. Even blood relations, aunts, uncles and dgps, wouldn't necessarily get invited, and certainly not daddy's gf. I would think the mother would feel quite uncomfortable with you there.

MarthasGinYard · 05/05/2019 08:37

If You haven't met the ex then I don't think her dc party is the right place.

How old is the dc?

XiCi · 05/05/2019 08:40

His mum has organised a birthday party for her DS and his friends. Why would you be expected to be invited to that? Especially since you have never even met his mother.

Why not just suggest to your DH that the two of you do something separately for your DSS so that you can give him his gift?

Starlight456 · 05/05/2019 08:46

Agree with pp’s wrong place and time to meet her.

Your Dp didn’t tell you as he expected this response

SolitudeAtAltitude · 05/05/2019 08:49

It's not primarily about you

It's about the kid

He does not need his dad's GF or his mum's BF there. He just wants his parents there

Good on them

It's not about you

Figure8 · 05/05/2019 08:51

Of course you should be involved in their lives after 3.5 years, but the birthday party isn't the right time to start.

Can you three have a special day out?

If you haven't met the ex, pick up and drop offs are a far less stressful way.

stopitandtidyupp · 05/05/2019 08:51

I can see it both sides too. Unfortunately with with exes their often has to be some compromise for the step children.

I have to spend three hours on a Sunday with my ex or my dd refuses to see him. Long story but my partner understands this. I would hate it the other way round.

Your partner should arrange a special birthday treat with just you and his side of the family even if its the day afterwards.

Original poster

Ilovetakeaways · 05/05/2019 08:51

Thanks for all the replies. I probably haven’t come across very well. I wouldn’t expect to meet the ex for the first time at the party, I meant that this long into the relationship if things were positive I may have been invited. The whole issue highlights that the relationship isn’t as far forward as I thought. DP is the one that speaks about marriage and children so I feel eager to be involved. There is no way I will be doing either if we are not operating as a unit and communicating with each other properly.
His son is 7.

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 05/05/2019 08:57

Why not just suggest to your DH that the two of you do something separately for your DSS so that you can give him his gift?

The child’s father should’ve had this all arranged and not expect the child’s mother to organise the whole thing - book a fun day out with a few of his friends have cake at home

Mintypea5 · 05/05/2019 08:58

@Ilovetakeaways my DH doesn't come to my sons parties ( also 7) we're married with a 10 month old and #3 on the way. We're a complete family unit in every other way but my ex has requested he doesn't attend parties (he doesnt want his gf there either even tho I've said in the past it's fine) as he sees things like that and school evens / parents evenings as something we do as his parents.

We both then have separate birthday parties or days out with DS and our respective husbands / gf / families

Constance1234 · 05/05/2019 09:01

I don’t think it’s really your partner’s place to invite you if his ex is the one arranging the party. If I were her I wouldn’t want the added stress/potential awkwardness of meeting my ex’s girlfriend at my son’s party. Could it be possible that your partner broached this with his ex and she said no?

JuniFora · 05/05/2019 09:01

His child's birthday party isn't about you. The party is about the kid, kids only want to see their friends and their parents there. He won't notice you. The ex doesn't even know you, you're not a part of her family so she's never going to consider you. If you're this entitled and pushy in other ways regarding her child, she'll be careful to keep you away.

Don't overstep boundaries here, you'll be pushed out if you try to push your way in. Let your partner look forward to his kids birthday without you causing drama about it.

In the nicest way possible; you sound like you desperately need to get your own life.

AwakeNow · 05/05/2019 09:02

Assuming you and his ds have a relationship...If you live together, or even if you don't, why don't you organize a small belated, low key birthday celebration for the next time his ds is staying there?

Serve his favorite dinner in his honour and have his favorite fancy dessert . You can see him open his gift and create happy memories. It also would show your dp that you care about his ds. Many kids celebrate everything at two homes, maybe your dp should consider hosting a birthday next year, and he invites the guests, including you. If he is not serious with you, he should let you know so you can decide what you want. 3 1/3 years, you deserve to know if you both want the same thing.

Original poster

Ilovetakeaways · 05/05/2019 09:02

I feel sad that he probably didn’t tell me as he anticipated my reaction. I respect his dilemma so will take a back seat.

OP posts:

AwakeNow · 05/05/2019 09:07

Oh I had missed your last post. Don't worry about not being invited, it is probably a family party mainly ex's ex-in-laws?

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 05/05/2019 09:08

I wouldnt be too worried about the length of time- Ive been with DP for over four years, we have a baby on the way and I havent met his ex. Not because neither of us actively dont want to meet the other, just that its none of our business really and weve never had nay reason to cross paths.

Id say your DP just thought there might be an atmosphere/not the best place for introductions and wussed out delayed telling you

I think its a bit off for him to be giving the gift that you spent time and effort picking to DSS without you- it would be nice if you could give him the gift either before or after his birthday so that you get to be included and DSS knows that you were thinking of him.

I loathe kids parties- youve dodged a bullet!

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