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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a little upset I wasn’t told or invited

79 replies

Ilovetakeaways · 05/05/2019 05:06

Partner doesn’t see why I’m upset. His child’s party is coming up. We don’t have any children together and we have been together 3.5 years. The child’s mum has arranged a party for him and his school mates. My partner told me his son was having a party in the week but didn’t mention he would be going too. He hasn’t been forthcoming in telling me what plans he has arranged himself for his son or invited me to be part of anything. We went birthday shopping for him together and I brought him a lovely gift. I asked what were his plans were for his sons birthday and he mentioned taking him after his party for a few hours. I asked if he was going to the party and he said yes. I feel miffed that he didn’t tell me in the week that he would be going. Feels like he didn’t want me to know as the ex will be there. I haven’t met the ex and we haven’t had anything to do with each other. Not because we don’t like each other but I guess there just hasn’t been a reason to cross paths.
He hasn’t arranged for me to be able to give his son my gift at any point during his birthday. I feel excluded. Also feeling like the relationship hasn’t progressed as it would have been nice to present as a team and also be able to attend at 3 and a half years into a relationship. Also that I would be part of the birthday celebration. Would have been nice if he’d have acknowledged my feelings but explain he would be going to support his child. Or if there are things going on behind the scenes eg son doesn’t like me or the sons mum doesn’t want me there then he only needs to say that and I will understand. Wish I didn’t feel pushed out.

OP posts:
ChrisPrattsFace · 05/05/2019 09:11

My parents split when I was 3, so around my 7th birthday I had a step dad and a step mum, so similar time frame to yours here OP.
Untill I got married last year - 20 years later, neither of my parents have met the partner of the other.
I don’t think it’s odd that you haven’t met her, But I agree with previous posters about you and dp doing something separate for DSS so you’re involved too. And maybe a frank chat with him about progression in the relationship.

Orangeballon · 05/05/2019 09:32

Just let it go. His children will always come before your wishes. Do not rock the boat as you will be the one who is pushed over board.

MarIsFiuLiomE · 05/05/2019 09:35

Why would his son's mother invite her x's new partner?? If she were going to invite more adults she'd invite people from her own side! I've never invited my x to anything for the kids but I certainly wouldn't invite his new gf, it just wouldn't even occur to me, and why would it?

Sugarformyhoney · 05/05/2019 09:37

Adults don’t tend to go to kids parties unless they are immediate family- you’re overthinking this imo

M4J4 · 05/05/2019 09:40

I'm with you OP. Is your partner expecting just to give the gift you got for his son by himself? So you won't even be there? He sounds spectacularly thoughtless.

And to keep quiet about the fact that he was going to the party is sly. He should have told you that he was going.

I agree that it's not about the party (you seem to understand that his son comes first) but your partner's attitude that is the problem here. Time to have a serious chat to see if you're on the same page.

Guavaf1sh · 05/05/2019 09:45

I also think you’re overthinking things and taking offence when you shouldn’t. It’s not about you

BlueMerchant · 05/05/2019 09:46

If you've never met the boys mum I don't think waltzing into her ds's Birthday party is a good idea regardless of how nice the pressie is you have got him!
Your partner has done the right thing.
After that amount of time I am surprised you have never met though. Are you and dp in a serious relationship in his eyes I'm wondering?
Could you suggest joining dp and his son after the party and giving him your gift?

TinyGhostWriter · 05/05/2019 09:55

I meant that this long into the relationship if things were positive I may have been invited. The whole issue highlights that the relationship isn’t as far forward as I thought.

Don’t judge your relationship based on an idealised notion of your DPs ex playing happy families with you both. This may never happen. I think you are right in respecting his dilemma and deciding to take a back seat on that.

Focus on what you want from your relationship with your partner and make sure you are clear in communicating your needs and wants with him. Then he has no excuse to be miffed in situations like this in the future.

If you feel eager to get involved in his sons life, youneed to start this conversation. You can’t expect him to build the relationship for you, or all of a sudden give you a role. These things happen gradually, but you are right in that it’s important for you to both be on the same page about this.

VagChange · 05/05/2019 10:04

There’s a good chance that Mum wouldn’t want you there and that’s her choice.

Kids parties are often a need-to-go basis. You’re there to supervise. I can completely see why she hasn’t invited you, sorry.

There’s also a chance she’s asked her son and he’s said he’s not bothered about you being invited.

Shelby2010 · 05/05/2019 10:07

So, by your last post it’s not the party, more that DP is stringing you along with talk of marriage & babies. He’s saying what he thinks you want to hear without showing any interest in moving the relationship forward?

What do you want? Do you live together? Do you have a relationship with his son?

Vagchange · 05/05/2019 10:09

Were you the OW OP?

Original poster
Ilovetakeaways · 05/05/2019 10:21

@vagchange no I’m not the OW. Why would you say that ?!
Of course I would like marriage kids etc but I also know that this situation and there are others (won’t go into them) but I think he just sees his time with his child as precious and does t want me involved too much. That’s fine but the relationship won’t move any further along.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 05/05/2019 10:26

If you want to be more involved- which is absolutely reasonable- you need to communicate that very clearly.

The party is a red herring and trust me, attending a seven year old boys birthday party is an ordeal rather than a joy. They have a tendency to become a tiny bit overexcited and silly ( behave like small wild beasts on speed).

Catchingbentcoppers · 05/05/2019 10:32

It just sounds to me like he puts his son first, which is exactly how it should be. If you want more involvement, perhaps you need to tell him. If he doesn't want to facilitate this, then you need to rethink how you want to take the relationship forward.

Holidayshopping · 05/05/2019 10:35

If you’ve never met his ex before, doing so at his child’s birthday party which is going to be hectic, stressful and obviously all about the child, is not a good idea!!

Livelovebehappy · 05/05/2019 10:36

If you and your dp were organising the party would you be inviting his ex and her family along?

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 05/05/2019 10:53

Gosh do you always try to make everything about you like this?

Whoops75 · 05/05/2019 10:59

Next time Ds is over have a little cake and give him your gift.

This says nothing about your relationship, you are being too sensitive imo

ahtellthee · 05/05/2019 11:08

Another one who says you are taking it all wrong. Next time you see him, have a mini celebration. The party is not an appropriate time to be introduced to other family members. I am struggling to understand why you didn't understand your boyfriend would be going to his son's birthday party in the first place, tbh.

Eustasiavye · 05/05/2019 11:10

From a child a point of view the people who matter to him will be his mum and dad. You are neither of those.
I really dislike step parents who think they are entitled to see their stepchild when ever the child sees their biological parent.
I have plenty of friends who have been Put in this situation and trust me when I tell you they all dispise the step parent and class their parent as weak.
On the other hand your dp should be welcoming you into his child s life, but only if that suits the child.
In your shoes id be having a chat with your dp and I certainly wouldn't be having a child with him yet.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 05/05/2019 11:13

I think it's admirable he wants the time with his son without his gf tagging along. Too many rush new partners onto children.

I've have assumed he was attending the party, it's his son.

Just give your present to him the next time you see him, it's just a gift, there's no need for a big presentation etc.

Nanny0gg · 05/05/2019 11:15

Can't see why you and your DP aren't doing something together with his son after the party or next time you have him.

Evowonda7 · 05/05/2019 11:24

Please dont take it personally, it is your step sons day..you could always organise another celebration with your partner and step son, which would be a lovely gesture as a step mum. Do something nice with your friends while the party is underway, or sweat it out in the gym, go for a swim and steam, anything to keep busy. I come from a step family situation, so my advice would to be to try and put yourself in your step sons shoes and try and understand from his point of view and try not to make a fuss. One day he will be in a position to invite who ever he wants to his celebrations and im sure you and his father will be top of the guest list. Rise above the petty niggles as a good woman and as a step mum.

Original poster
Ilovetakeaways · 05/05/2019 11:32

Some of the responses about me wanting to tag along is unreasonable and very silly. I often leave them to it when it’s his contact weekend which is most weekends. I don’t ask to accompany my partner to school plays, sports days etc I give them space. I expect him to be fully involved in his child’s life. I have a teenage child that I also put first so I totally know how parenting goes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovetakeaways · 05/05/2019 11:34

And my dp is taking his son after the party for a lil celebration of his own at his mums he hasn’t considered asking me to come. I have some thinking of my own to do.

OP posts:
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