To feel a little upset I wasn’t told or invited

[Ilovetakeaways]

Partner doesn’t see why I’m upset. His child’s party is coming up. We don’t have any children together and we have been together 3.5 years. The child’s mum has arranged a party for him and his school mates. My partner told me his son was having a party in the week but didn’t mention he would be going too. He hasn’t been forthcoming in telling me what plans he has arranged himself for his son or invited me to be part of anything. We went birthday shopping for him together and I brought him a lovely gift. I asked what were his plans were for his sons birthday and he mentioned taking him after his party for a few hours. I asked if he was going to the party and he said yes. I feel miffed that he didn’t tell me in the week that he would be going. Feels like he didn’t want me to know as the ex will be there. I haven’t met the ex and we haven’t had anything to do with each other. Not because we don’t like each other but I guess there just hasn’t been a reason to cross paths.
He hasn’t arranged for me to be able to give his son my gift at any point during his birthday. I feel excluded. Also feeling like the relationship hasn’t progressed as it would have been nice to present as a team and also be able to attend at 3 and a half years into a relationship. Also that I would be part of the birthday celebration. Would have been nice if he’d have acknowledged my feelings but explain he would be going to support his child. Or if there are things going on behind the scenes eg son doesn’t like me or the sons mum doesn’t want me there then he only needs to say that and I will understand. Wish I didn’t feel pushed out.

@ilovetakeaways

I know some people may think you are being unreasonable, or OTT, but I have to say that this would hurt me too. I understand you must feel very left out.

That said, as a few posters have said; your partner hasn't done anything wrong really - although it would have been nice if he had said 'do you mind if I go to my son's party? But I'm really sorry it's just me who is invited.' I mean he doesn't HAVE to do that, but it would have been nice to have done it, to make you feel more secure.

Also, his ex hasn't done anything wrong either. If I was her, I would not invite my ex's new partner either; especially as we had never met/had nothing to do with each other. Like a few other posters, I am concerned that you have been with this man 3.5 years, and you have still never ever met his ex/the mother of his son. Why is that? Have you never been there when he goes to see his son/pick him up/has access to him?

@Shelby2010

So, by your last post it’s not the party, more that DP is stringing you along with talk of marriage & babies. He’s saying what he thinks you want to hear without showing any interest in moving the relationship forward?

I am also concerned that he doesn't seem to be in any rush to take the relationship to the next level. Do you think he mentions marriage one day, to keep you dangling OP?

Sorry you are feeling like this OP. But you do know this kind of thing will keep happening right? Can you deal with this? Is it possible to make a connection with his ex? I mean, reach out and try to offer a hand of friendship? I would understand if not, but it's just a idea.

I know several posters have said they have been with a man before who had kids with an ex, and they never met the ex after 4 or 5 years, but I think that the exception rather than the rule tbh.

Good luck. I wish you well.

I agree that it shows he is a better dad for wanting time alone with his ds. But after 3yrs I would have thought he would want to start doing some things with the OP as a family. Not this party, but maybe arranging for them to take ds on a day out together.

Maybe I’m reading too much between the lines but it doesn’t sound as if OP sees her DP at all when he has his son? Which is fine in a casual relationship, but not if the plan is to settle down together.

Is the real issue just a lack of communication from your DP and what that could mean for you future together? I'm agreeing with the pp's who've thought along these lines.

Looking at your updates I think you are understanding and don't mind not going to the party and the son being put first but you wanted to be told more about the party in advance by your DP, not a vague last minute btw kind of thing?

I think you're right in that after 3.5 years you should be expecting something different, some kind of movement in your relationship with your partner- better communication from your partner at least. I think the absence of him talking is not a good sign, particularly when he seems to want to marry you and have more children. You need to be very clear to him about what you want from him and what kind of role you want to play in his son's life. Until you're both on the same page, I wouldn't entertain any thought of marriage and children with him. I think it's good that you want to be involved in your partner's son's life and are thinking about what a future family with him and your partner looks like rather than not considering anything.

Is communication an issue in other areas of your relationship? Is he vague in conversations and you tend to fill in the blanks for yourself? Do you enjoy the quality of communication you both have at the moment? Are there other things he doesn't communicate very well on and do they tend to be things about him? Is he generally a secretive person?

And my dp is taking his son after the party for a lil celebration of his own at his mums he hasn’t considered asking me to come. I have some thinking of my own to do.

^^That's the problem. Not the party.