Friends disappear once baby arrives

[username198817]

First in group of friends to have a baby. (Most have no intention of having kids or are not in a relationship atm). Once baby arrived, most came round to visit - but now 5 months on, 4/5 don't even ask about how baby is (we've been in and out of hospital since baby was 6 weeks)

I fully understand people have their own lives/worries, but surely it shouldn't be that much of an effort to send a text asking how baby is? I make the effort to ask about how things are going with them.

AIBU to think I have rubbish friends or is this just what happens?

how old are you ?

if your quite young then it’s hard to expect people who are no where near to having kids to be thinking about ur kid.

they should when they see the baby say general things tho / that’s just what friends do !
but texts out of no where- YABU

I personally don't want children, but i'd never do this, i'd always ask how baby was doing, especially if they've been ill, and as i've had so many friends say how lonely they feel after having a baby, i'd never want someone to feel that way.
Honestly, i think they're just kind of bad friends, there's no excuse to have not even text.

Depends on their age sadly. Also not to worry you but if you’ve had a baby very young, likelihood you won’t be socialising with those friends often and will drift apart. However! No one knows and time will tell. Go to mummy groups if you can, there’s support out there you can find. ❤️🍷 xx

@lovinglifexo I'm 30, as are most of my close friends. Would think they would know better by that age.

@Breastfeedingworries yeah I've met a few mum friends at baby groups etc. I've obviously been in a baby bubble and I hadn't really thought much of friends not being in touch too much, until one of my mum friends had brought up the same scenario. Made me realise that the exact same thing was happening to me 😕

@lovinglifexo curious as to why you think iwbu for a text out of nowhere? If for example, I had mentioned going for a scan a week on Thursday - surely as a friend you would then ask how they got on?

It’s very common sadly, they all lose interest pretty quickly and stop getting in touch / asking you anything / attempting to see you. Try to find some new friends at baby groups etc and remain friendly with original friends but don’t chase them, it’s really sad and disappointing but it happens a lot I think.

Oh just to mention isn’t just younger mums I’m 30 too and my dd is 5 months and I’ve experienced this myself. I think they struggle to relate to it all. One of my closest friends was already a mum so I’m incrediably lucky I’ve got her.
My best friend of 25 years isn’t that involved, I just talk about old times with her and stopped talking about my dd. (Does hurt a bit as dd is part of me but think it’s because she couldn’t get her head around me being first) it’s very unfair as yours is poorly and they should ask but it isn’t an ideal world.

I hope you and your little one are okay

Honestly? I have kids, but when I speak to my oldest friends (who also have kids) I wouldn't ask them how their kids are and they never ask me how mine are.

It's hard to really care about other people's kids (unless you're someone who naturally loves kids).

And if you don't have the shared experience of kids it's just hard to relate.

I was confused by how all my friends lost touch when they had kids and I didn't but then I had one myself and it made more sense.

If you were doing a workplace job they found boring and incomprehensible they probably wouldn't ask much about it either.

Just how it is.

YANBU.
But you also need to flip this round to their perspective.
These things often look different from the viewpoint of a child free person.

I've found the complete opposite. Friends of mine who have had babies disappear once the baby arrives. Their lives change so much and they (understandably) just don't have time anymore, plus many have made a whole new set of mum friends.

Really interesting to hear the other side.

I dont generally ask how peoples kids are all the time. Id be more likely to ask how you are and ask if u wanted a chat/meet up

I have 2 lots of friends now, ones who don't like my baby and ones that love him.

I get it as they have spent years being my friend and 3 of them have always hated and never wanted children so why would it change just becuase hes mine.

At first it's hard but after a year or so it's a nice break having friends who want to see you not just ask for a cuddly baby and ignore you!

I'm sorry you've been in hospital so much OP. Been there and for me it made me feel like I didn't get the opportunity to really bond with other Mums at group because we weren't there consistently.

Re friends, I have Messenger / Wattsapp groups so I just automatically updated them in the same way they updated me about their jobs, partners, holidays. Mine was also first baby in groups of 30 Yr old and part of it is I thonk people not knowing how often to be asking, especially if you're in and out of hospital.

So I'd say make sure you message them too. Ask after them too. Tell them how your little one is and if you're up to meet up / invite them over etc.

I was the first of my friends too, and it absolutely changes the dynamic between you and them. Some friends will care about your children but some will care about you, not your children. That's not to say they dislike them, just that it wouldn't even register to say 'how is your baby?' instead of/as well as 'how are you?'
Things do get better as your baby gets older. When you are able to go out and do more pre-baby things, and when you are happier leaving your baby for longer periods then you will be grateful for your childfree friends to have a group of people that you can have fun with without having to talk about children! A brilliant antidote to playgroups.

I'm really sorry that your baby has been unwell. It must have been such a tough time for you and I completely understand why you feel let down. I think you have two separate problems here, that seem like the same problem but aren't:

1. most people aren't that interested in other people's children, especially if they don't have children of similar ages. The baby group endless baby talk works essentially on a reciprocal basis 'I will tolerate you discussing your baby for ages because I get to discuss mine back'. Without that ability to join in with the baby talk most people don't really want to do it. This is also why MILs and random women on the bus infuriate and baffle young mothers by talking about 'how it was in my day' - they're trying to join in the talk in a reciprocal way, but their experience isn't very recent!
2. most people are rubbish with medium to long term illness. If you had been ill for five months you'd see the same pattern - quite a lot of interest and concern at the beginning, but very few people still actively checking in after a couple of months. It's not specifically about the baby, it's that most people can rally in a short-term crisis but in the longer term they go back to their own lives and forget a bit.

I'm also one of the first of my friendship group to have a baby (at a similar age to you, I'm 31). I'm finding its getting much easier and better as it gets easier to meet up without him (he's 10 months). The other day I had lunch with some friends and then DH and DS popped along to join us for coffee, and they were all very sweet with DS but I could see it was a bit of a strain. It probably wasn't that much fun for them either when I was breastfeeding through every interaction we had!

Whether you want to continue to make the effort with them in this way depends on how you generally feel about the friendships. For me it's worth it because these are women I love and have been through much with. I have also found that my 'mummy' friendships have proven very shallow now we're out of the most intense baby bit and especially since I went back to work - we just don't have much except the babies in common. There was a point where it was tempting to make them my sole friendship group, and I'm glad now that I didn't. But perhaps your friendships felt more like they were reaching their end anyway - and that's more than fine, if so.

For me it's the opposite, I struggle to find time for all of my friends these days and feel guilty I don't see them as much

I think people with children just massively underestimate how dull child chat is. When I had DS I was constantly updating people; then SIL had her baby and did the same and I really shocked myself when after a week, literally one week, I was thinking “I absolutely don’t care” when reading another message or even looking at a photo.

It is just what happens.

If they are friends from when you were post-16 particularly where you studied and lived together e.g. degree then they should end up still being around but your friendships won't have the same intensity mainly because of lack of time. In my case we end up messaging each other.

Also babies and young children are boring except to their parents. I've mainly listen to other parents over the years to get useful childcare tips of them as I have a plethora of nephews and nieces I've helped with. Lots of people without children have no reason to because childcare advice has changed over the years.

One of my friends was complaining about this recently. Ironically I never heard a peep from her when DS was little and I was struggling.

^ yes.

People on here always compare it to talking about jobs. Well, my friends don't tell me a lot about their jobs. They tell me if they get a new one or a promotion, and they might tell me a funny story involving their job, but only as the background. That probably works out as telling me about their jobs a few times a year.

The issue is that having a little baby doesn't feel like having even the most full-on job - it can be literally all you care about, so talking about them constantly feels reasonable. But that isn't how it feels to other people; it feels like you talking about a job. I used to literally ration myself when DS was a newborn to ensure that at least every other message I sent to friends wasn't about him (and that's probably still too many baby messages, but it felt at the time like I was making a big effort not to be a baby bore!)

I do think it helps if you have supportive family, and not everyone does. I spam my parents and PIL endlessly with DS photos, which removes some of the urge to do the same to friends, and DP and DPIL do at least claim to like it!

It’s just that you are in a different world now. Many social-based friendships go this way after the arrival of a baby. When common interests are no longer the basis for the relationship they fall by the wayside. Friendships are often transient and pertain to our circumstances...very few become lifelong.

Soon enough you will find yourself in company with other parents who live in your world and new friendships will form.

Your friends aren’t bad people and it’s not that they don’t like you...it’s simply down to the fact that you are no longer readily available in circumstances that match theirs. Other people’s babies aren’t interesting I’m sorry to say.

It will get better. Sorry if you’re feeling dejected right now.

Sorry my 'yes' was to donutcone!