Friends disappear once baby arrives

[username198817]

First in group of friends to have a baby. (Most have no intention of having kids or are not in a relationship atm). Once baby arrived, most came round to visit - but now 5 months on, 4/5 don't even ask about how baby is (we've been in and out of hospital since baby was 6 weeks)

I fully understand people have their own lives/worries, but surely it shouldn't be that much of an effort to send a text asking how baby is? I make the effort to ask about how things are going with them.

AIBU to think I have rubbish friends or is this just what happens?

I have also found I have been talked down to by acquaintances (not proper friends!) once they had babies. Things like 'I never knew true love until I had xx', 'I just don't know what I did with all my time before xx', 'now my life has meaning.' I'm sure you're not doing that, but it can be surprisingly difficult for those with children and the child-Free not to alienate each other.

@Blankspace4 Out of interest do you ask your friends how they are? Their careers, relationships, holidays etc?
I really do, a couple of friends have things going on in their lives and I ask how things are with x/y/z, just don't seem to be reciprocated.

Sorry I can't find who had mentioned this, but one of my best friends of 15 years, who I thought would be there for me a bit more has been round twice, (lives 5 mins away) and other friends, who I perhaps thought I wasn't as close to, have been a big support. It's been quite interesting to see.

@therearenogoodusernamesleft I had this a lot from my sister when she had a baby - "you don't know what tired is until you have a baby" was my pet hate. So once I had DS, I made sure this is something I didn't do.

@Newbie1981 People saying "it just happens" no it doesn't. If your friends love you. - I completely agree. Think that's why I'm a little miffed

user it’s quite normal dont take it to heart. Go to lots of play groups And new mummy friendships will emerge. It’s just a new cycle in your life.

Why would your best friend be interested in your baby though? She hasn’t experienced one so it’s totally alien for her. It’s a like asking some one how there new puppy is...

@Cottonwoolmouth It’s a like asking some one how there new puppy is...
That's a ridiculous statement.

It’s a like asking some one how there new puppy is...
So you only ask people about things you have direct experience of? Of course I'd ask my friend about her new puppy, or her new car, or her holiday to Japan or her new girlfriend or her job in marketing. None of which I have experience of. Because she's my friend.

How odd

I don’t think your friends are deliberately doing this, why should they remember your baby has been for a scan? My group of friends dont tend to remember such things, and nor do I sometimes as life just gets in the way. We just discuss it all when we meet up and catch up with each other

Time goes differently when you're stuck at home with a baby - maybe they're just really busy. Maybe they don't know anything about babies. Maybe they're frightened of babies. Maybe they really want one themselves and can't and it's hard for them to be around it. Lots of possibles but I don't think it's at all unusual to drift apart under those circumstances.

OP it was exactly the same for me- my best friend of 15 years standing just dropped off the fucking map.

Id supported her through some horrific times, we lived together for 10 years and we were inseparable.

I had a baby at 29, unplanned, first of our group. Kept going out with my friends (just didn’t drink), was the same person, didn’t talk about the baby much.... she wasn’t at all supportive.

After DS was born she saw us twice? You know in the same coffee shops we’d been in before. Gossiping about the same people. I was making the same fucking jokes- just with a baby on my boob.
But it wasn’t about her seeing the baby for me- it was about her seeing me. Being my friend through all of it.

Then I had postnatal anxiety which made me really very unwell, and my relationship with my sons father was breaking down. I was man absolute wreck. She knew all of this and was nowhere to be seen.

I had to move 350 miles away to be back near family and she’s never visited- despite her sister living in the next town. I’ve schlepped back to London a few times to see her, and she got upset when I cancelled a visit because I had treatment for CIN2 and it really shook me (lone parent, no obvious person to have DS if anything happened to me... it just hyped up my anxiety for a while...)

When she told me it “was not okay to cancel like that” (a few weeks before, with a very honest explanation) I had to just accept we weren’t friends any more. Horribly sad, miss her every day, but what can I do? I had a baby, it changed me, it’s been a challenging time that made me, I guess, less fun- and she didn’t like it. I just wonder when she has kids, if she’ll look back and realise she was, frankly, a shit.

On the other side of it with older kids, but my friends generally have babies and toddlers, I feel a bit torn between wanting to give them space, not add anything more to their plate because I know how tiring and draining it is, and not put them in awkward position of having to repeatedly turn things down or be asked the same thing over and over and as they have practical support from family, I'm at a bit of a loss of what to unless they ask besides messaging weekly or so, being another shoulder to commiserate the struggles and that much of it will pass in time, and just wait.

To me, it's because I care that I'm in this position. Maybe I'm a rubbish friend or because I didn't have any 'mum friends' or what I would consider a 'baby bubble' or even old school friends when I had mine so I've no idea what others generally do there - I'd immigrated shortly before having my first and it was pretty much just my spouse and me for years, babies and medical conditions made things more isolating than I had expected - but I'm it's not as easy as the people would do the right thing if they really loved their friends. Love doesn't give someone all the answers on the best ways to do things, some are just doing the best they know.

Are you being clear that you want visits and contact? If you read a lot of threads on MN you get the impression the last thing new mums want is visits and calls and they’d prefer to be left alone in their bubble with their “little family”. Same with questions about a baby: I have a friend who will talk endlessly about hers, another who prefers not to as she’s very sensitive about just being a mum now and her old life disappearing.

It can be a minefield working out when it’s appropriate to contact someone after a birth and what to do or say. If you want things to be a certain way, ask or let them know.

Olivia Me too - I hadn't planned on kids but found out by accident that I couldn't have them anyway.

When friends began having children I did the same as you - I even tried to make sure I knew nap times so I didn't disturb by phoning! I don't think I could have been more considerate and I am actually interested my friends children.

Over the years I made other friends who already had post-toddler children and those friendships have endured.

OP I do this YANBU to expect more from your best friend. Rather than using “friends” as a collective (for your disappointment) - could you focus on reaching out to her especially as she’s so local? Maybe an evening at your house, takeaway and perhaps some wine, a good chat, maybe you’ll BOTH realise you miss eachother. You don’t directly need to confront her about your disappointment, just put out the olive branch. After 15 years, it shouldn’t be a friendship to be thrown away lightly.

Good luck x

OP I just thought I’d add that your thread has also touched a nerve with me, and I’ve just text a friend who has a toddler, who I’ve drifted apart from, just to check in.

Also in my experience it gets worse when they're toddlers. At least with a baby you can carry them about and have coffee while they sleep. Toddlers can be actively unpleasant and rude

I think it's hard for others to be interested in the tiny day-to-day changes that make parenting interesting. It's like visiting someone's garden and going, oh yeah nice flowers but you don't get how it's all been grown from seedling and tended and planned and given daily care.

Now DD's a bit older, we've found it works to have friends round for dinner with her so they see her a bit (like an hour or so) then we hang out for the evening together. Doesn't work until your kid goes down reliably in the evening tho

I agree with another poster who said people underestimate how dull kid chat is unless it’s your own child.

Generally friends are friends because they share common interests, and when people don’t have kids it’s hard for them to be as interested as people that have them.

Sadly, most people are not interested in your baby unless they have similar aged children themselves - and even then they're not interested in YOUR baby, just the sharing of experience.

I made several mum friends when my teens were little and we've continued being friends through the stages. One of them had another baby just as we were waving our kids off to high school and relishing our impending freedom. It completely alienated her as she was suddenly at a different life stage and wasn't free to do the things we could. Didn't help that she became a complete baby bore (which I'm sure I once was!) spamming fb with baby pics etc - I had to unfollow her! I'm afraid we drifted apart and are not friends anymore. I do hope that she's made new mum friends though!

Of course I'd ask my friend about her new puppy, or her new car, or her holiday to Japan or her new girlfriend or her job in marketing. None of which I have experience of. Because she's my friend.

I would too. Once or twice. I wouldn't keep asking how the dog or job were once they weren't new, and I'd consider a general 'how's things?' to be asking after the girlfriend.

Obviously if a friend doesn't ask even once, ever, about the baby then that's different. But mostly people are asking for a much bigger and more sustained show of interest than that - and more than you'd expect for most other things that are in your life but not your friend's life.

Once or twice. I wouldn't keep asking
But the pp comment. On not asking is that her best friends shouldn't give a toss or ask at all. And if the puppy kept going to the vets for operations etc, or the gf was in and out, you might ask a bit more often than if everything is fine

OP I know it's hard to come to terms with but it's just so common.

My friends disappeared. I got really poorly with PND and was so ill my DH has to stop work for a few weeks to care for the baby (and me). They were nowhere to be seen. I wasn't really aware at the time but when I got better I sort of realised they had jumped when the ship was sinking.
I had by chance met a mum friend through work and she kept coming round. She sat there whilst I sobbed and picked her brain about gripe water. In comparison to my other friends, I barely knew her.

It was horrendous watching all my friends slowly stop txting, I reached out a few times and was cancelled on literally last minute (sat there with make up on ready to go baby sitter booked) and they didn't understand how cancelling last minute was so unforgivable because they didn't have to arrange a sitter weeks in advance etc etc.

In my experience it would be nice if you still reached out a little, if anything for your own peace of mind. If your friends really do care, they will respond, meet up for coffee etc. If they don't, at least you know it was nothing you had done specifically. Good luck

. I've obviously been in a baby bubble and I hadn't really thought much of friends not being in touch too much

So you haven't really been in touch with them? As a childless woman we tend to get sidelined pretty quickly by friends once they have a baby in favour of new "mummy friends".
For those who do bother to stay in touch, we have to put up with a whole load of baby talk (fab when they know you've got fertility problems) and patronising bollocks about how we don't understand love, can't possibly be tired, how dull and pointless our conversation about our new relationship is blah blah blah.

Bitter? Moi?

As a childless woman we tend to get sidelined pretty quickly by friends once they have a baby in favour of new "mummy friends".

This seems to be quite a common complaint but I think it's a bit of a misunderstanding at least some of the time. In the first few months of DS's life I was indeed seeing a lot of my 'new mummy friends' and not much of my old friends, but I wasn't seeing the mummy friends instead of them. I was seeing them during the day in the week, when all my other friends were at work. I wasn't seeing them in the evening or at the weekend. If I hadn't had mummy friends I'd have been lonelier but I wouldn't have seen more of my friends without children. I think the 'oh, she can make time for her mummy friends but not for me' or 'she's ditched me for her mummy friends' is quite often misunderstanding when and why 'mummy friends' usually see each other.

. I think the 'oh, she can make time for her mummy friends but not for me' or 'she's ditched me for her mummy friends' is quite often misunderstanding when and why 'mummy friends' usually see each other

Err nope, it wasn't a misunderstanding at all. It was a dumping because I didn't have children and so wasn't worthy of their attention ams friendship. But thanks for the patronising explanation.