Friends disappear once baby arrives

[username198817]

First in group of friends to have a baby. (Most have no intention of having kids or are not in a relationship atm). Once baby arrived, most came round to visit - but now 5 months on, 4/5 don't even ask about how baby is (we've been in and out of hospital since baby was 6 weeks)

I fully understand people have their own lives/worries, but surely it shouldn't be that much of an effort to send a text asking how baby is? I make the effort to ask about how things are going with them.

AIBU to think I have rubbish friends or is this just what happens?

You say you've been in a 'baby bubble' - not surprising if you've been in and out of hospital! But I wonder if during this time you haven't been 'there' for your friends either?

TBH it would be entirely understandable if you weren't! You have other, very important, things to focus on.

But the key thing is that you've moved into a completely different world from your friends, and no matter how close you once were, you're now involved in things that they simply can't comprehend - and if they don't want children, things that (to be brutal) they will have little or no interest in anyway.

It's a difficult time of your life and a difficult thing to accept. But you also have to remember that in most friendship groups, you're friends because of shared interests. And you don't share motherhood with them.

If it makes you feel better (probably not!), in my experience even friendships with people who had children tended to drift apart - there's so much going on in your life (especially if you're working) that you don't have the same time available for each other.

Yes I had/ have a group of friends who never ask after my LO - Safe to say we have thoroughly drifted, i in turn no longer ask much about their dating lives. Start mixing with different people

I just want to sound another note of caution about the 'just make new baby friends!' thing. Definitely do that, but don't see it as a total solution. As I said, it turns out I can't talk to my 'baby friends' about anything but babies, which means the friendships are fizzling very fast as the babies become toddlers. I'm coming out of my baby bubble now (still absolutely adore DS, of course, but he's not all I want to talk about!) and I'm glad I still have my friends who I can talk about other things with - I once tried to talk politics at a baby group meet-up and it was treated like I'd made a bad smell. Even TV turned out to be a no-go! There was a very short period in my life where I wanted to talk about infant feeding and baby sleep constantly, and it's already over.

I found when kids were very small at family gatherings all the childless people or people with late teens or adult children chatting away about what they had done and where they had been, but totally not interested in what I, an almost SAHM (had casual factory job so some months earned 0 to max earned £100), had been doing.

So I ended up sitting there in silence. This was my stbex's family, not my side who of course were interested in what I had to chat about.

I think a lot of people are like that. Even before dc I would have asked a friend how her baby was, but I like babies and little kids and worked with them.

When I then had kids you find it is isolating and when you find you have SEN kid, even more so. It is tough, people alienate you when you have child with special needs. I just had to get on with it but it is hard.

You dont say what is the matter with your baby. But I am wondering if there is a support group near you that can help you feel less isolated.

I can't think of anything worse that spending time around babies, I just don't like them, feel awkward around them and would rather be anywhere else

This happened to me and I totally get it.

The reality is that other people’s babies are boring.

It’s a common theme I think to have friends distance themselves in one form or another.

I had two friends cut me off as soon as I told them I was pregnant, a couple of others either distanced themselves when I was pregnant or drifted away once baby arrived. The genuine friends are still here despite our lives moving in different directions.

I was 40 when I had my baby and you’d think some friends had the maturity to understand that friends lives can move in different directions and you can still be friends despite your differences, but clearly not. Best to make the effort to seek out some new friends who like you for you, and not whether you have a child or not.

I'm having the opposite issue- I'm childfree by choice and have been pretty much dumped by some of my close friends now they have kids for their new mum friends. :-(

I try and take a interest, always ask about baby, give gifts, work around baby's timetable etc.

I think it takes give and take from both sides so can fully appreciate your upset. Don't know what to suggest but it sucks. Makes you question how strong friendships really are.

Baby talk really is dull. DS is 5, but yesterday we were at a Christening and there were lots of tiny babies and talk of night feeds, wind and who the baby looks like this week.

I remember having those exact conversations, and finding them intensely interesting at the time, but oh my goodness it was dull when you're no longer eyeball to eyeball with a baby all day every day!

Try to meet up with your friends for some of the things you used to do pre-baby, so you can have a proper chat. This is especially important if you are going back to work, and won't be hanging around baby groups etc for a few years (in which case you will make very baby focused friends there).

Ultimately good friends will stick around- I have some fabulous friends with no intention of kids soon- they genuinely take an interest in my DD and I take an interest in their lives. On Friday I met a couple for cocktails and a night out and next time I will take my Dd to theirs for tea and cake or they will join us in the park ...swings in roundabouts

I've been on the other side of this, OP. I was the last of my school friends to have children. All I'll say is that I'd be amazed if they aren't feeling the same as you i.e. that you are no longer intetested in them or their lives.

This happened to me. I was mid 20s when I had DS and my best friends were all a couple years older than me.

None of them wanted children and it was always a bit of a joke that I was the only maternal one out of our group of friends.

I was maid of honour for one of them, when one left an abusive relationship she lived with me and DH for 4 months and I was pregnant at the time, when one text me at 4 in the morning to say her brother was dying I literally ran out my apartment and ran to the hospital to be there for her.

When DS was born they visited a couple of times. They didn't want children which is fair enough so I never forced a relationship with them and him but I expected a bit more effort from them just to even check how I was coping. I had PND and I was so lonely.

DS had to have a major operation when he was 18 months and had been in and out of hospital loads leading up to this. Not one of my friends sent me a text or anything the day he was in surgery.

People I hadn't seen for years were sending me messages, one person who I worked with years ago lived near the hospital and brought me some magazines and a gift for DS.

It was really hard but now I have a new group of friends some who have children but some don't and we all care about each other's lives and I'm happy now. I do still feel sad about my old friends sometimes because we were all so close.

Yep it happens. I have two sets of friends for this reason. I have mummy friends where we all get together with the kids (occasionally go for a night out without the kids). We get the kids together to play, arrange trips out together, do coffee mornings etc. We talk about our kids a lot!

Then I have my old crew who I grew up with/went to uni with. Only two of us in the group have kids. The other 6 have no interest in kids at all. They’re my night out on the town/dinner party type friends. I don’t see them as often but we make an effort to meet up once a month. We never talk about our kids.

Ere have been some friends I’ve lost along the way I’m ok with that now but at the time it didn’t hurt that they weren’t interested in my kids at all. You just learn to accept it and move on

Yep OP. They also suddenly come out of the woodwork again when they are trying for their own. My 'best' friend has relegated me to 'mum friend' with a few other of our mum friends and I pulled her up on it and basically told her to fuck off. She thought she could rely on us all for childcare after maternity and shool runs as we're all mums anyway and 'have to help each other out' - she isn't even TTC or pregnant yet 😂

It definitely just happens. In fact I did it to my friend. She had a baby about 4 years before I did and when I was not interested in having kids at all.

Now I have them, I'm in awe of her going through those younger years without her bending my ear constantly! I'm amazed that when we did meet up (which was much more infrequently, due to circumstances!) she didn't waffle on about baby stuff! When I went through it, weaning, potty training, first day of school etc, it's such a big deal to me and I had no idea what she was going through at the time!

Anyhow, after a phase when we didn't see as much of eachother, we are just as close now as we ever were. We also each have our own 'mum friends'. Our friendship has moved with the times. Keep in touch with your friends. Some of them might just come back round again. Especially once they've had kids!

Thank you all for the replies. A few things to think about - i think a lot of you are right, baby talk can be boring, and I do try make the conscious effort not to make the conversation all about my DS - but it's difficult when on MAT leave and my life revolves around him atm. Perhaps I need to make more effort myself. X

I never planned on having children.
When my best friend had her baby as a sahm, I used to get her chocs and babygrows (and fags, she struggled badly with pnd, they helped. She didn't smoke through pregnancy). I'd get off the train 2 stops earlier to pop over after work. I'm not a baby/child person but I wanted to see HER.
We went to the cinema sometimes. Things DEFINITELY change but surely your mates would want to know you're ok?

I think people with children just massively underestimate how dull child chat is.

I have to agree with this statement and the vice versa of it.

When one out of your group of friends has a baby, they understandably have a different focus. However your focus was as it always was and it is a parting of the ways. They go on and on and on about baby which is lovely at first and then just gets tedious, you chat about stuff in your life and they find it tedious as their world and priorities have changed.

This is not for all cases, but in quite a few I have seen.

When I had no children and my good friends did, I didn't 'dump them' but I no longer knew what to do with them. Before I would have invited them to bars and throw parties and get a bit drunk and talk all night. When I did meet up with them I felt like I ran out of things to ask in two seconds and that they wanted me gone (they probably didn't, they were just understandably wrapped up in their hugely changed life!).

I now have small kids and I have less time for all my friends. I hope they don't see that as a rejection, it's just reality. I'm knackered and want to sleep, and probably can't hold an intelligible conversation. My friends with kids are more tolerant of that because they understand it.

So, I don't think it's their fault, or your fault. It's just hard to maintain friendships when you have kids.

As for not specifically asking after your baby in hospital maybe people don't want to pry? It's hard to know how much questioning is welcome.

I don't tend to specifically ask how my friends kids are doing, I just give a general 'how are you/how are things?' and expect the reply to cover the whole family.

Ime this is fairly normal. I was the first in my circle to have a baby and I ended up feeling quite isolated when one by one my old friends just carried on as normal and I found I couldn't because I had a baby. I had to make new mum friends 🤷🏻‍♀️

As hard as it is, what you can offer them as a friend has changed. To be your friend they now have to probably come to somewhere easy for you or a child friendly place (that you both would probably not choose to hang out at) during the day/ weekends rather than evenings and when they get there talk is probably mainly about the baby and if the baby is there, having a proper conversation is practically impossible unless the baby is asleep!

While I have no doubt they still absolutely love you, it's no fun. While they may do it to start with, it isn't enjoyable for them so they'll slowly stop doing it.

I have 1 and another on the way so I've been in your position but I also had babies late, after a lot of friends, so have been the child free one too. With a kid, I just appreciated that my company was less interesting and got on with it. I wouldn't have wanted to hang out with me and I still find other people's kids totally boring! Friendships moved mainly to online/ WhatsApp/ texts and I made peace with that.

What I now do more of is meet friends without my kid around. It might mean I see them less but it's better quality when I do. I know that's probably tough when you have a poorly child. As you get more freedom/ can leave your child to see them or they have children some of the friendships will bloom again.

Sending hugs till that happens.

As someone who doesn’t have children, I see the opposite. Mums make “mum friends” and are no longer interested in anything outside of their “baby bubble”. Not saying this is the case for everyone or trying to offend, it’s just my experience.

I’m unable to have children and find one my one I’m losing my closest friends, either that or I’m forced to spend time around babies and toddlers all the time. I get that they’re now part of life, but just for once it would like to see my friends WITHOUT their DC and WITHOUT them constantly being the topic of conversation.

Out of interest do you ask your friends how they are? Their careers, relationships, holidays etc?

Aside from all of the above I’m very sorry to hear it’s been a difficult time health wise for your DC and hope things pick up soon.

That's crazy! My friends I think made an extra special effort to stay in touch and do baby friendly things instead of going out raving like we used to. I was worried it would be as you say but guess I'm lucky. Sorry for you OP

People saying "it just happens" no it doesn't. If your friends love you.