Friends disappear once baby arrives

[username198817]

First in group of friends to have a baby. (Most have no intention of having kids or are not in a relationship atm). Once baby arrived, most came round to visit - but now 5 months on, 4/5 don't even ask about how baby is (we've been in and out of hospital since baby was 6 weeks)

I fully understand people have their own lives/worries, but surely it shouldn't be that much of an effort to send a text asking how baby is? I make the effort to ask about how things are going with them.

AIBU to think I have rubbish friends or is this just what happens?

My friends almost all have kids. I never enquire after them

They don't enquire after mine.

Be grateful that you have a group of friends with whom you can talk about other stuff.

You will acquire mum friends along the way. And you will have to pretend to be interested in their snot nosed kids, which I guarantee you won't be.

Its a blessing. Honestly. I think that you might be feeling a little anxious because you feel they are judging you. I doubt they are.

Do you know what the words 'quite often' mean, Leigh? I wasn't claiming to be able to explain your exact situation and I actually wrote it quite carefully so I didn't inadvertently suggest it was always the case.

Some of my friends did this. Some didn’t.

I've just written a long reply which I have deleted as far too much detail. Suffice to say my lifelong best friend (we are both 64 and have been friends since we 2) have had long periods of time when our lives were going in very different directions. We rarely spoke from 15yrs old because we were in relationships with partners who had nothing in common. Then I had children and again our lives were very disparate. Around 30 we were both on our own again and saw more of each other. Now we are retired and see each other or communicate 3 or 4 times a week. It's brilliant having a life long friend but not surprising we saw little of each other when our lives had so little in common.

Do you know what the words 'quite often' mean, Leigh? I wasn't claiming to be able to explain your exact situation and I actually wrote it quite carefully so I didn't inadvertently suggest it was always the case

And the patronising continues.

Honestly? Kids are boring and people become boring when they become parents. My sister sent me a photo of DN eating a slice of toast this morning No one cares!!

I agree. I found it so hard when I lost my baby at 33 weeks. Like no one knew what to say so they didn't say anything and it was so lonely.

But I've also seen threads on here, where people have said 'oh but it's so hard to text people back when you've got a baby, and my priorities have changed so when I think I've texted you back and I haven't I'm sorry, but you should stick around for when I finally have time for friends again' however most people would find that hard,

You say you've been in the 'baby bubble'.

I get that your life is very different now but, as someone who's been on the other side of this equation, I found that plenty of friends dropped me (a voluntarily child-free person) or our friendships just withered away. Sometimes it was because I couldn't socialise at the times they did (I can't do 'coffee mornings' when I work full time 10 miles away), sometimes it was because we just didn't have much in common any more. Sometimes it was because the my friend didn't want to be around someone who had all the things she no longer had (free time, ability and money to travel etc) and others where I quietly let the friendship drop because I got fed up of being sidelined - yes, I'd be asked how things were with me, my job or the sport at which I compete, but they weren't listening. Sometimes I'd want to chat about something that was really important to me, only to get interrupted (which is fine and normal with a small child/baby around) and for them to say "Sorry, what was it you were saying?" and showing that they were never listening in the first place. At other times I've got fed up with being used as a child-free space and someone who will provide non-child centred conversation - by default I am but I'd want people to be around me for me, rather than as some sort of service provider when they want a break.

The friendships that have endured have been those with people who made the effort to stay friends in the same way (in the same way that I have made the effort to accommodate the change in their life), and where there has been mutual respect for our respective lives. But sometimes the difference is too great and we just slowly move on and away in our lives.