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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

If you PIL lived abroad, how often would you visit?

84 replies

Rosesaredead · 04/05/2019 14:22

PIL live in Asia - 11 hour flight minimum and very expensive flights. In the past we have gone each year and not gone anywhere else because we can't afford a family holiday if we do this trip.

If you were in our situation, how often would you go and visit? Would you go every year and just give up on the idea of a family holiday to a relaxing holiday destination (where they live isn't really a holiday destination, and not very relaxing/exciting, and we would cause massive offense if we stayed in a hotel rather than their house so no chance of relaxing by a pool / at a bar etc!).

DH and I have realised we probably don't want to keep going every year as we haven't even had a family trip together and haven't had time to visit any of my family who live abroad. (PIL won't come and visit us although they can afford it and my family do make the effort to come and visit so that's how we always end up going to see PIL and not visiting my family!)

Last couple of trips I've been a bit fed up and bored as trips aren't really holidays as much as they are a few weeks of acting like we live there (helping PIL and SIL with things they need doing, sitting around in their house, visiting their relatives which isn't much fun for me as I don't speak the language or DH really as they aren't particularly close relatives, but it's just a tradition where he lives that every relative - no matter how loosely they are related - should be visited or visit. DC don't have much fun either as there's not all that much to do and they have to be watched closely as PIL house in on some land which is not safe for children. Also I don't know why this is but every time we have gone DC have ended up very sick - having to spend at least one night in hospital every time - which is really horrible.

So not really an AIBU but more of a WWYD - how often would you go?

OP posts:

FunkyKingston · 04/05/2019 14:25

Every other year probably. Timed to coincide with a celebration of some sort.

Iloveacurry · 04/05/2019 14:27

Every two years I guess. Why don’t they visit you anyway? They can’t really complain they don’t see you if they unwilling to travel themselves.

Beachbodynowayready · 04/05/2019 14:28

The 33rd of every month...

MonsterKidz · 04/05/2019 14:29

Tough one OP. I am in similar position although I’m the one abroad.

If you have gone every year for a number of years, I don’t see why you can’t takw a break for at least one year. Plan a family trip but offer them they are very welcome to come to you. They may not like it but...

Penguincake · 04/05/2019 14:30

Ask them to come me to you every other year.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 04/05/2019 14:31

As it's not an enjoyable trip I'd probably go once every 5 years.

FrogFairy · 04/05/2019 14:31

Every there years, one year his family, one year your family, one year on a normal family holiday.

SPARKLYSTARSHINESBRIGHT · 04/05/2019 14:32

Sounds like you need a proper holiday - don't feel obligated to go especially if your children get so ill. Your children will resent it. If PILs want to see you then they need to come to you. Book a fun holiday just for your family.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 04/05/2019 14:33

Every other year tapering to three.

Reasoning:
Tech like FaceTime makes it easy to stay in touch
WhatsApp group for photos etc.
They are lazy and want it all on their own terms.

juneau · 04/05/2019 14:35

Mine live in the USA. We have visited 3 times in the past 9 years. Going again this year. Aiming in future to go every 1-2 years, but it was hard when DS2 was little and DH never wanted to - and as they're his parents, I felt it was really up to him, ultimately.

juneau · 04/05/2019 14:36

In your position I'd go every 2-3 years.

Chloemol · 04/05/2019 14:36

As someone else said, every three, one to your parents, one to them, one family. This year 8 would do the family holiday and your parents next year. If they don’t like it they can come visit you

howabout · 04/05/2019 14:37

Sounds like PiL are massively taking you for granted.

Even if you could afford the time and money to go every year I am not sure it is good for the relationship balance for you to be making all the effort. Perhaps their perspective is that they are giving you a free holiday by accommodating your visits and they don't realise your sacrifice and sense of obligation.

Farmmum7 · 04/05/2019 14:39

It's a 10 hour journey over to my parents this is driving and a ferry and we tend to go every other year we have to find someone to take care of the farm animals and put the dogs in kennels and then my sister comes to visit at the same time so the 4 of use end up in one room and it's not as relaxing as you'd hope having to visit all the friends and family you haven't seen since the last visit. I was supposed to travel over in June this year but we are considering a family holiday closer to home instead. My parents haven't visited once since we moved here 5 years ago and it upsets me that they could financially come over but haven't made an effort.

I think if they want to see you and can afford it let them make the effort and have a family break for yourselves.

frazzledasarock · 04/05/2019 14:41

I wouldn’t go.

If kids get sick, I’m not allowed to stay at a hotel, being dragged to relatives whose language I don’t understand and the entire thing is expensive and a chore and I get no holiday. I wouldn’t go.

DH could go as much as he wanted, I’d take kids and go somewhere I could relax and have fun.

But I’m beyond giving a shit what people who don’t care about me think.

Troels · 04/05/2019 14:51

I'd do every two to three years. I lived abroad long haul I came back every two or three years when we could and my mother visited about the same.
But when my Mum was over at ours we did a holiday with her and went away and stayed in a hotel, with a pool and did toursit stuff.

EL8888 · 04/05/2019 14:56

Every couple of years l think. They need to make an effort as well. The current set up sounds very tying, draining and rather dull for you

Purpleartichoke · 04/05/2019 14:56

I see others have already given my answer of every 3 years.

If they can’t be bothered to travel to you, and they are not in such ill health that they can’t travel, I would stop visiting until they take a turn.

Genderwitched · 04/05/2019 15:29

Maybe every other year, but I would insist on combining the visit with a week in a resort in the country, if there is one. The children, and you should have a holiday. Your DH could also go on his own occasionally.

missyB1 · 04/05/2019 15:37

We are in this position. In laws are in South Africa. We have been 4 times in last ten years and they have been to us twice in that time. But unfortunately they are now too elderly to do the journey again so the onus is entirely on us. This year dh is going in his own. We just couldn’t commit the money for all 3 of us because I would like a family holiday for us which will actually be a holiday! Visiting the in laws is stressful, exhausting and expensive. I also don’t cope well with longhaul flights.
In future I see us going as a family every 3 years or so and dh going more often on his own. I feel guilty about it but we aren’t made of money.

Mummyshark2019 · 04/05/2019 15:40

I would phase it out slowly. This year, say you're not going as you've booked a family holiday as you are in desperate need of one. If they don't like it, tough shit. Tell them they are welcome to visit for a few weeks instead. Then next year, go see your family. The year after that perhaps visit them. I honestly would not be happy with visiting every year. You're entitled to your own lives. Did they live here previously and move overseas? Or, have they always lived there?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 04/05/2019 15:41

Just ask them to come to you.

iolaus · 04/05/2019 15:48

Do I like them? and do I want to see them or just feel I should from obligation?

Probably every couple of years

Happynow001 · 04/05/2019 15:48

Every two or three years. BUT I'd want to find out what was causing the children to be very sick each time before we went back. Especially in a place which DC don't have much fun either as there's not all that much to do and they have to be watched closely as PIL house in on some land which is not safe for children.

Perhaps your DH could go alone next time for a shorter time then meet up with you and your DC at your parents?

Incidentally have you had the children checked out (including blood tests) once you've returned home?

Notsosimple · 04/05/2019 15:49

Rosesaredead I also have PIL in the Asia region, my eldest is 10 and we have been 3 times in 10 years as a family, DH has had around 4 additional trips on his own. It’s just way to expensive to go every year and also now the DC are getting older they want to see other parts of the world not just PIL’s home country.

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