If you PIL lived abroad, how often would you visit?

[Rosesaredead]

PIL live in Asia - 11 hour flight minimum and very expensive flights. In the past we have gone each year and not gone anywhere else because we can't afford a family holiday if we do this trip.

If you were in our situation, how often would you go and visit? Would you go every year and just give up on the idea of a family holiday to a relaxing holiday destination (where they live isn't really a holiday destination, and not very relaxing/exciting, and we would cause massive offense if we stayed in a hotel rather than their house so no chance of relaxing by a pool / at a bar etc!).

DH and I have realised we probably don't want to keep going every year as we haven't even had a family trip together and haven't had time to visit any of my family who live abroad. (PIL won't come and visit us although they can afford it and my family do make the effort to come and visit so that's how we always end up going to see PIL and not visiting my family!)

Last couple of trips I've been a bit fed up and bored as trips aren't really holidays as much as they are a few weeks of acting like we live there (helping PIL and SIL with things they need doing, sitting around in their house, visiting their relatives which isn't much fun for me as I don't speak the language or DH really as they aren't particularly close relatives, but it's just a tradition where he lives that every relative - no matter how loosely they are related - should be visited or visit. DC don't have much fun either as there's not all that much to do and they have to be watched closely as PIL house in on some land which is not safe for children. Also I don't know why this is but every time we have gone DC have ended up very sick - having to spend at least one night in hospital every time - which is really horrible.

So not really an AIBU but more of a WWYD - how often would you go?

Tell them they are welcome to visit for a few weeks instead.
Careful of doing this. A few weeks in your home (I bet they'll baulk at a hotel after proving you with "free" accommodation) plus trying to look after your and your children's needs, work, entertaining the PILs etc is a long time with people who sound so entitled.

I wish MIL lived abroad. I'd never visit. Unfortunately she lives 5 minutes away

We wouldn't visit. It sounds like it will be easier for PIL to visit you, rather than take the children there. If your PIL are retired they won't be limited by annual leave quotas.

All this staying with the relies, helping with jobs and visiting extended family must be a culture thing is it.? It's not your culture tho OP?
I wouldn't be going again after the first visit. Its sounds a crap holiday really and your kids must be bored to death

Dh's dad and stepmom moved to the States when I was pregnant with ds2. As they had chosen to move away they made the effort to come over here each year to see us. We have been there as a family 4 times in 18 years. However they are now in their late 80s and no longer able to get insurance to fly to the UK. Dh has visited alone and also with each DC.

It's very difficult as PiL dont live in an area with anything to do. The nearest city is Pittsburgh and even that's more than 2 hours away. The kids were bored stupid when they were younger as there was nothing to do.

I would visit every 3 years. My sister moved to Australia 20 years ago and now visits every 3 years and that feels fine. My mum visits her in between. We keep on touch with Skype etc.

When I lived in England, I visited my family every year for the first few years because the pound was much stronger than the dollar. It was too expensive for my family to visit me and my family and I was okay with it.

We now live in the US and because the pound was much more expensive than the dollar (until recently), we couldn't afford to go to England to visit. Flights alone were $6,000, never mind the hotels in my husband's hometown because my in-laws home was too small, the car hire, petrol, and food. It was closer to $9,000 to visit the areas around Wigan. Don't get me wrong, Greater Manchester is a decent place and I enjoyed living there but for $9,000, I would want good weather and a really amazing holiday and Wigan Pier ain't gonna cut it!

In fact, in the 14 years we've been in the US, my husband has visited his family four times. So my in-laws have come to us a few times over the years. I have totally appreciated them coming but I do have one little grievance. They come over for two weeks and they want to spend the entire holiday in the city we live in. We get two weeks holiday a year from work and we have to spend it in our city being tourists in our own city. I kept trying to suggest they meet us in another American city so we, too, could get a break but they were happy to be in our city.
I loved having them here as I adore my in-laws but I couldn't help but feel just a teeny bit miffed that our holiday was taken up being at home.

But then I think that it is a privilege that I'm lucky to have anyone come to ask to visit us and that we still have family to visit. Both my parents are deceased now and I'd give anything and spend any amount of money to see them again or have the problem of using up my holiday at home. So, I make sure my husband goes back to England every year from now on and visit his parents because once they're gone, it's forever.

Every other year tops!

My in laws are overseas too and will go every second year. We’re having a holiday somewhere we want to go this year.

I'm the one who lives abroad and we generally visit once a year. But my DH lived over there too when we met so he has friends there and reason to visit too. And it's not far (1h30 cheap flight within Europe).
Sounds like you have more than given here.
Family holidays to other places are lovely things that you can and should do.
This year we aren't going to my home country, we are going to Greece for 2 weeks and we are all really excited about it.
Life is too short as is the amount of time you get to spend with your children as a family before they become independent.
Treat yourselves and your children to a proper family holiday together with no one else.
Just tell them and book it and if they make a fuss tell them they are very welcome to come to you.

I would gradually increase to every four or so years (more or less depending on how much I liked them) and definitely try to do a multi-city holiday so it would be part-relaxing and would make it more fun with the kids since it's such a long-haul flight. I'd ask them to come over as well. Obviously my partner could go more frequently if he wished to.

Thus, I'd skip this year and go on a nice family holiday as it's bonkers that you can't even relax when seeing extended family and not even allowed to stay in a hotel (I have family in Asia and this would pain me if I couldn't stay in a hotel and get some downtime and do 'solo' stuff with kids and partner).

We are the ones abroad and until last year it was a lot easier getting the parents over to us instead of flying to them, even if it is just to .germany.

Now both sets are getting older and with health problems it comes to a point where we need to go. But it is a)not really a holiday and b) quite expensive esp. going to my mum. So we are only going for a long weekend/5 days max to one set as I refuse to give up my annual holiday.

I'd not feel the need to go every single year but at least every 2..2 1/2 years probably.

Why do you go every year? Even if they are unwell and can't travel an annual trip to a long haul destination is ott.

I would go every 2 to 3 years if that. Facetime, letters etc and barring illness let they should make the effort to visit you.

I'd reason you can go there one year, they can come here one. You can go to ypur parents the next they can come here one. That takes it down to 3 or 4 yearly.
Yes, they live far away but they aren't the only set of grandparents and there is nothing preventing them from visiting if they want to. They are being selfish in preventing their child and grand children having holidays which are more valuable to them and you. They can theoretically face time daily and see all the updates but if they want to see them let them get on a plane and do it.
You married your DH not his parents

My DB has lived overseas 15 years in a place that, whilst attractive to some, is just not somewhere I’d choose to go, and we’ve never been over to see him. He comes home every Christmas, that’s his choice.

It al depends what your relationship is like with them. I’d be upset if anything happened to my DB but I don’t want to spend 8k+ on flights and accommodation to go and spend a strained and difficult two weeks with him.

I’d not go if it makes the children sick. It doesn’t sound like much fun for them at all.

I have a cousin who moved to Australia years ago. We aren't close but even so they've voiced their disappointment a few times that the extended family haven't visited.

It's not like popping to Europe is it? You've got to really want to go and nobody does.

I was in your situation, in my case it was India. We went there every fifth year or so until FIL moved here.

I live in a different country to my parents and we visit them twice a year. However... we actually enjoy these holidays and it's only a 2 hour flight. We don't get any other holidays but that's ok by us.

Under the circumstances you've described I'd go every 2 or 3 years!

My PILs are in Germany (a 90 min flight). We see them once or twice a year; sometimes we travel, sometimes them.

In your circumstances, I think once every 2 or 3 years is enough.

We've visited them once in about 8 years, we can't afford it, we keep in contact about once a month on Skype. Cut down as you need to have some enjoyable holidays too.

Thanks so much for all the replies! To answer some comments -

Staying with relatives and helping out IS a culture thing, yes. And no, it's not my culture. If we could stay in a hotel I think I'd be so much happier but PIL would be really offended and embarrassed apparently - the neighbours and extended family would all gossip about it for some reason If I could stay in a hotel I'd be so much happier as it would just feel so much more like a holiday. Maybe I should insist next time? Would you? I don't want to cause world war three but honestly I'm sick of being sat in the house/garden with the kids and nowhere to go because the roads are too insanely dangerous to drive and because there's nothing in walking distance. A hotel would make me so much happier and the kids would have more fun too. Do you think I should insist on this in future? I think I might... DH and I end up bickering staying in that house too, which I admit is really my fault because I just get so pissed off and bored and feel suffocated having no time alone all day and nothing to do and nowhere quiet to even go and read a book and relatives turning up every day that I have to go and smile awkwardly at until they leave because I don't understand a word they're saying. They're all very nice people, don't get me wrong, but it's just not a holiday, if you see what I mean. It's like going from real life to a more oppressive, old fashioned and traditional form of real life. And I get stressed out and take it out on DH. And that's my fault but I suppose I sort of blame him for the situation! He does try to make it fun but I'd say 85% of the trip he's under pressure to help out with stuff and visit relatives etc so there's only so much he can do.

I do like this family, yes, as people they are lovely, but I think I'm growing bitter at the situation and having less frequent visits/having other holidays too/staying in a hotel when I do go would really take away the thing that's annoying me and I'd stop being grumpy and bitter!

I have invited PIL to visit us, we have on many occasions, and they've sort of said yes and then never ever seen it through no matter how many times we bring it up. But they will never say no, so we can't even confront them about why not - they always act as if they're going to come any day now but just never actually arrange anything and never bring up the topic themselves.

Another problem is that they'd need to stay with us (as per their anti hotel thing) but we don't have the space for them at all! I love hotels. Why don't they love hotels? This would all be simpler if they shared my excitement about staying in hotels!

It sounds like every two or three years is the general answer and I'm happy with that! I just suggested to DP that one year he gets to decide, the next year I do, and the third year we will decide as a family and do something that excites us all! And some years in between just have a break and save money. He seemed to like this idea, although PIL won't. I just really feel like we can't justify going there literally every year anymore because these trips are so expensive and as the DC get older it's going to get more difficult as there's really not much for them to do there at all. And I'm sick of them getting sick!

It's really good to hear from those of your who are in the same situation or are the ones abroad too - as I think it does prove that going to another continent each year is pretty excessive!

My mum lives on the other side of the world... she comes here to see all us, we have not yet made it out to visit her. It's too expensive plus, although it's a popular destination county she doesn't live in a particularly desirable part of it. If we are spending the best part of £4,000 just on flights then I want to be going somewhere really nice.

I will go one day but it will probably only be once.

Every other year.

OP, when we've visited my ILs abroad, we've split our time between them and a hotel. Could you do that? A week with them? A week of holiday?

Bloody hell, I would not have gone after the first visit. Cut it down to once every 4/5 years and then a condition of the visit is that you stay in a hotel, otherwise you don't go.