If you PIL lived abroad, how often would you visit?

[Rosesaredead]

PIL live in Asia - 11 hour flight minimum and very expensive flights. In the past we have gone each year and not gone anywhere else because we can't afford a family holiday if we do this trip.

If you were in our situation, how often would you go and visit? Would you go every year and just give up on the idea of a family holiday to a relaxing holiday destination (where they live isn't really a holiday destination, and not very relaxing/exciting, and we would cause massive offense if we stayed in a hotel rather than their house so no chance of relaxing by a pool / at a bar etc!).

DH and I have realised we probably don't want to keep going every year as we haven't even had a family trip together and haven't had time to visit any of my family who live abroad. (PIL won't come and visit us although they can afford it and my family do make the effort to come and visit so that's how we always end up going to see PIL and not visiting my family!)

Last couple of trips I've been a bit fed up and bored as trips aren't really holidays as much as they are a few weeks of acting like we live there (helping PIL and SIL with things they need doing, sitting around in their house, visiting their relatives which isn't much fun for me as I don't speak the language or DH really as they aren't particularly close relatives, but it's just a tradition where he lives that every relative - no matter how loosely they are related - should be visited or visit. DC don't have much fun either as there's not all that much to do and they have to be watched closely as PIL house in on some land which is not safe for children. Also I don't know why this is but every time we have gone DC have ended up very sick - having to spend at least one night in hospital every time - which is really horrible.

So not really an AIBU but more of a WWYD - how often would you go?

Every 3 years, 1 year to go on a family holiday, 1 year to see your family, 1 year to see hos family.

Sounds miserable, but every 3rd year might be bearable. If they want to see you more often they can open their wallets.

I think your rotating choice solution is a good one OP and definitely worth sorting out whilst the DCs are young.

My DH and I live south of London and my FIL lives less than an hour from Calais, and we still visit him less than you do your PIL!

I should add that I think the onus on visiting should be on the person who moved away. In our case my PiL decided go move to the States 20 years ago when they were in their 60s and they made every effort to visit us. Now they are in their 80s I do feel a bit resentful that we have to spend money visiting them when it was their choice to move 5000 Miles away. Dh is an only child so he feels he has to make the effort.

Every 3 years seems fair, your family then his family then a holiday.

My PIL live in Asia too, we last went in 2017 but that was for a wedding, prior to that it was 2015
PIP visited us last year but they were both reluctant. They dragged it out and tried to use various excuses but eventually visited. I'm certain that they think it's harder for them to visit us than for us to visit them. One of PIL uses a wheelchair (gets assistance throughout the trip, priority desks etc etc) but apparently taking DC4 and DC2 4000+ miles is 'far easier'

We aren't going this year but may well in the next couple of years. We're now somewhat limited by term times and huge price differences for flights as oldest DC has started school

My fil and his wife live abroad. My dh visits on his own sometimes. As a family, we have visited twice (in 13 years).

After staying with them the first time, I vowed never again. The second time we rented an apartment. Sooooo much better.

They come to us once a year.

I feel no guilt, no sense of duty. My kids come first.

Can you meet somewhere holiday-ish halfway?

Probably every 5 years tbh. That's a LOOOONNNNGGG flight. I could never consider that a holiday 😩

Mine live in europe- never go as it isn't a great place. They come home around christmas and we see then them and sometimes a few other times. See them 1-2 times a year.

Just book a hotel next time, explain it gives you more flexibility to sight see and be tourists while still of course visiting them.

Even if it's their culture and they'll be embarrassed, tough. They shouldn't seriously expect you and the dc to be cooped up all day with random relatives visiting. Do they even have a pool to keep the kids entertained?

Take a leaf out of your pil's book and don't actually say you're not going. Start to be more vague, not sure just yet when we can go, might have to leave it a bit longer...

They know, if they actually said they won't visit (and they won't) that it will cause an argument, so you need to play the same game.

Much shorter distance and less cost here, so will travel home once a year, sometimes more for weddings, funerals etc, but its not stopping us have family holidays and we can pop over for a couple of days and then come back. Family will visit us too, its not one sided.

One of PIL uses a wheelchair (gets assistance throughout the trip, priority desks etc etc) but apparently taking DC4 and DC2 4000+ miles is 'far easier'

To be fair it is. Having travelled with my own children worldwide from 8 weeks old now having to travel with elderly parents is much more challenging.

I would go 1:3, and keep pushing them on visiting the UK. Currently they have no incentive to book if you keep booking flights to them. But perhaps if they understand you are just not going there one year they will commit to visiting. Perhaps invite them for Christmas rather than Summer? And I agree with a pp - when you go there, use it as an opportunity to go off to a hotel in a tourist area for a week and just spend one week in their home. Invite them to join you there . Then they could tell the neighbours they are joining you on a family break or at least that they were invited but chose not to go.

Every second year; and plan for a long weekend of each trip to be visiting a different part of their country that is more touristy and staying in a hotel.

Confront the PIL- openly say, oh we won't book our next flights until after you come next , so they have to be clear on when/why they're not coming.

It sounds like your DH moved away, if money and time weren't an issue I do think coming back more is probably on him. But if PIL are fit, well and can afford it I don't think pushing them to visit once is excessive.

Also- on my SIL's last visit home from Australia, she spent a good chunk of the time helping us move house. (Not planned, just timing happened to line up unexpectedly and PIL we're helping so she did too). She spent most of the rest of the time visiting friends and family. I think it important for you to accept that you're really not having a holiday when you go see them: you're visiting family, catching up, reintegrating with them.

That's obviously why you still need a holiday, and why alternating years and carving out a weekend of your trip as a mini-break makes sense. But I lived abroad for years and coming home is important, but it's never the same as a holiday, and it sounds like you're resenting that and thinking it might feel like one of you just stay in a hotel instead of the house, and honestly I think all that will do is cost your money and by the sounds of things make your PIL sad and neighbours gossip.

Much easier for them to say 'Oh DIL and children have never seen x tourist attraction and son want to make sure they see the beautiful things in the country for their heritage' and then midway through you have a few nights in a luxury hotel.

'Take a leaf out of your pil's book and don't actually say you're not going. Start to be more vague, not sure just yet when we can go, might have to leave it a bit longer...'

Yes good idea, just be vague 'oh yes we must visit at somepoint' then change the subject. They've managed to pull it off so you've had some great tips.

My cousin is married to an Australian and they have lived/worked in Asia for the past 25 yrs. She used to do alternate years to the U.K. and Australia. Only in the last few years has it gone down to every 3 yrs. When they come to the U.K., they have a week somewhere in Europe before a week here to make it easier for her husband. Inevitably, visiting family becomes a duty visit to squeeze in aunts, uncles, siblings, cousins, etc. I don’t envy her. It is what it is.

I would go every year, but shorten it to a week or even 4 days with them and then have a family holiday in Asia somewhere different each time, but where you will have a proper, relaxing break.

I would go every year, but shorten it to a week or even 4 days with them and then have a family holiday in Asia somewhere different each time, but where you will have a proper, relaxing break.

“Yes good idea, just be vague 'oh yes we must visit at somepoint' then change the subject. They've managed to pull it off so you've had some great tips.”
Or be a better person and make a proper plan. Be open. “Look, this really isn’t working for us-it’s really expensive and it will get more difficult as the children get older. How about one year we meet in a holiday resort half way between us, one year you come to us and the 3rd year we visit you. Or if you’d rather not travel to us we skip that year-or DP could maybe visit on his own” That way you still see them, but two years out of three you get a proper holiday. And two years out of three it’s up them them to decide- to join you on holiday and to come to visit you.And you have a plan so there’s no hinting or assuming.

'Or be a better person and make a proper plan. '

In an ideal world, with pils who listen and everyone uses common sense then yes, lovely! Talk to them op, I bet you've never thought of that

In the real world however, when the op has already said the pils have shirked from visiting and she has explained how the pils seem to expect things and want things their own way it isn't that simple. Being vague is probably the least likely thing to cause offence to these easily offended relatives.

My ILs live in a European country that has notoriously expensive flights because it’s pretty warm all year round. You’re lucky to get them for less than £400pp and never in the summer will you get them for a reasonable price. It’s also around 5hrs away so not doable for a long weekend, for instance.

We haven’t been for over 5 years - I love the country but it doesn’t feel like a holiday when you’re waiting for people to finish work to go to dinner and they never press us to visit so we just don’t bother.

If they lived in Asia, I certainly wouldn’t be going every other year!

PIL 10 hour flight away. We visited every year/every other year before DC, now one every 3/4. They usually come to visit us once in that time too. They also help us out with the cost of flights when we visit - like you, we can’t afford
to do anything else if we visit them. It’s definitely reasonable not to go every year or even every other year, and if they can’t - or won’t - visit you, but could afford to do so, I think it would be reasonable to open a discussion about them helping out with the cost of flights, especially as you visiting them will be more expensive since you have to pay for DC seats too.

I’m the one long haul overseas.
Parents are short haul (in UK terms) overseas
Brother is still in UK.

I usually do one trip to parents house per year, when Bro is there, and overlap with th so I have 3-4 days with all the family, and 3-4 days with just parents, and then a few days in whatever city I book my connecting flight through (so I get a break too)

I have had 3 visits from bro in 12 years. One per year from parents.

I couldn’t not have a break for me/us, so that’s why we have a random city break each time. We’ve done London, Amsterdam, Madrid, Paris, and Munich so far. Why not try something like that? Even just for a few nights on the way there or back? So, 10 nights or so with PIL, then the remaining 4 nights or so in Phuket/koh samui/Hong Kong or somewhere else that you can easily fly home from? To save offense to the ILs you could easily dress it up as cheaper flights/ better time flights via somewhere else so why not stay for a couple of days.