If you PIL lived abroad, how often would you visit?

[Rosesaredead]

PIL live in Asia - 11 hour flight minimum and very expensive flights. In the past we have gone each year and not gone anywhere else because we can't afford a family holiday if we do this trip.

If you were in our situation, how often would you go and visit? Would you go every year and just give up on the idea of a family holiday to a relaxing holiday destination (where they live isn't really a holiday destination, and not very relaxing/exciting, and we would cause massive offense if we stayed in a hotel rather than their house so no chance of relaxing by a pool / at a bar etc!).

DH and I have realised we probably don't want to keep going every year as we haven't even had a family trip together and haven't had time to visit any of my family who live abroad. (PIL won't come and visit us although they can afford it and my family do make the effort to come and visit so that's how we always end up going to see PIL and not visiting my family!)

Last couple of trips I've been a bit fed up and bored as trips aren't really holidays as much as they are a few weeks of acting like we live there (helping PIL and SIL with things they need doing, sitting around in their house, visiting their relatives which isn't much fun for me as I don't speak the language or DH really as they aren't particularly close relatives, but it's just a tradition where he lives that every relative - no matter how loosely they are related - should be visited or visit. DC don't have much fun either as there's not all that much to do and they have to be watched closely as PIL house in on some land which is not safe for children. Also I don't know why this is but every time we have gone DC have ended up very sick - having to spend at least one night in hospital every time - which is really horrible.

So not really an AIBU but more of a WWYD - how often would you go?

One of PIL uses a wheelchair (gets assistance throughout the trip, priority desks etc etc) but apparently taking DC4 and DC2 4000+ miles is 'far easier'

Anyone who thinks this is the case has clearly never done it. For "assistance" read arrive at the airport hours before everyone else and get abandoned half way to the gate and nowhere near toilets refreshments etc then get put on the plane first and off last again with no access to the facilities. If you have your own wheelchair expect them to lose or damage it or take hours to deliver it back to you. Whatever health issues cause you to need a wheelchair will also likely be exacerbated by long haul flights and jetlag. Then you have to deal with inaccessible post airport transit and staying in a house not adapted in any way for someone with mobility issues.

If you don't see disabled relatives and their daily struggles very often
then it is very likely you have no understanding of the challenges. Even if you do see them in their home setting it is likely that they will have everything organised to absolutely minimise the challenges especially for the duration of your visit.

Most East Asians I know have parents would live with them in the UK for as long as their visas allow (usually 6 months on / off) and so a visit to the mother land isn’t required. Amongst the Indians / Pakistanis / Bangladeshis / Middle Eastern people I know home visits every year (at least once or twice) were the preferred option.

Is there anywhere an hour or so away from them that you would be happy staying in? You could suggest a hotel stay there in a "we want DC to see more of your beautiful country" way?

Every 3 years sounds reasonable

We visit FIL and SMIL in Spain every 2 years but they come to us at least twice a year.

Every 2-3 year but send your DH on his own every year, it's his family and too expensive for u all to go every year.

Mine are a short flight away and we only manage once a year now we have DC.

We could do it cheaply pre-DC - cheap flights, bus to PIL, stay at their house. Now we have 3 seats to buy, need to hire a car and stay in a hotel (lots of issues with PIL since DC born, including them letting their dangerous dog jump into the pram to "get used to" my newborn, so we absolutely can't stay there).

It's not a cheap place to visit and we could have a family holiday elsewhere for less, which we would all actually enjoy. Plus, no-one ever visits us...

What about you and PIL meeting at a county in the middle for a weeks holiday together? Sort of the best of both worlds?

Well I think I’d invite them to visit. And then leave the ball in their court.

You seem to feel very obligated to please them and keep the peace, but they don’t seem to think your feelings or needs matter very much.

We visited 3x in 6 years PIL were in a European country and not at all in the 3 years they were in a SE Asian country. They were back often though.

I have family in India, mainly Dad’s family, and when we were younger we’d go quite often (every year or every two years). They visited too. My dad used to visit more often alone but my mum didn’t have the same drive to see her PIL 😬

Now I’m married and my PIL live about 2 hour drive away. They rarely come here but we go there a few times a year.

To me every other year seems reasonable if you are all going together and then in the alternate years maybe they could visit you

Or your DH could visit alone to save money so maybe you can still have a family holiday (I assume he just has to pay for flights)

I get the way it’s not really a holiday for you

I’ve been to India lots of time now and I get unwell for a few days every time (Delhi belly or whatever you wanna call it) 🤷🏻‍♀️