To think dh should stop asking me for a hand?

[Marvelendgame]

Monday to Thursday I cook for me, dh and two dc. I finish work, pick both dc up, get home, usually have to clear up from breakfast, put a wash on and put one away, have a general tidy up then cook dinner. Nothing fancy but I'll do lasagne, spaghetti Bolognese, simple curries, baked potatoes with meat and salad, pasta sauces, casseroles, chilli and so on. All of this is ready and on the plate for dh when he gets in.

On a Friday we will usually have a takeaway or shop bought pizza, but sometimes I'll do a stir fry or homemade pizza. I do all of the above on my own with two dc round my feet usually moaning that they're starving or arguing over who's watching tv. All normal stuff. On a Sunday we usually cook a roast together or just have oven food if we're not having a roast.

On a Saturday dh usually makes a bacon sandwich, or some eggs on toast for us all, or very occasionally a fry up. Every single time he can not and will not do this without asking me for a hand, asking aren't I going to help him, and getting all stressed and saying it's not fair that he has to do it all by himself.

Aibu to think he should just get on with it and that I should be allowed one or two simple meals to be prepared for me given that I cook the rest of the time?

Walkaround just to clarify, incase I wasn't clear in my op. We have a fry up between 1-3 times a year. Usually this is only on Boxing Day, but very, very occasionally we will have one if there are some spare mushrooms and tomatoes left.

We have a bacon sandwich about once a month. Other times on Saturdays we have scrambled eggs, poached eggs, cheese on toast, beans on toast, or even a French stick, with some cheese and salad! Dh still asks for help, he's not spending every Saturday sweating away over a frying pan or two. Sometimes we even eat out on Saturdays!

If he had to prepare the midweek meals, he'd still ask for help, it isn't about the type of food, he just seems to feel that if I'm there, I should help.

Roast tend to be a joint effort because we're busy so it's quicker, but I cook roasting my own too, when I say we do it together, for example today we had a roast, dh peeked veg and I chopped it. Dh put the chicken in the oven, I ran a few errands with the dc while dh did a couple of small jobs in the house. Then dh and ds went off to the tip and I finished off the roast, veg, potatoes, gravy etc, dh got back just in time to lay the table!

I do actually like cooking together, it's just because I do food most evenings for all of us, it's nice to have one meal prepared for me, without being called to help, even if that's just some beans on toast.

Sorry for all the typos.

CalmdownJanet love your turn of phrase

My DH was like this. If he was emptying the bins, he'd need me to get him the bin bags out, regardless of what I was in the middle of doing. If going to mow the lawn, I'd need to get him the garage keys. He could never, ever do a job wholly on his own, I was always summoned to 'help' with some part of it and it drove me up the wall. I started to ask him to help with the jobs I was in the middle of doing when summoned, e.g. I was loading the washing machine and he wanted me to stop what I was doing to get him the bin bags, I'd ask him to just get the washing powder out the cupboard while I was getting the bin bags. It did cut down the amount of 'helping' I was asked to do!

Now he's a SAHD, he just gets on with stuff himself; who'd have thought it would be possible!

Last week I was on the toilet and DH called out Zippy I need a hand, babyZippy has had a poo and it's on his vest. I called back, who do you think deals with it every other time when you're not here?
YANBU

I wonder if this is the real reason the dinosaurs died out.

Janet has this. And this is very much my OH. He has ended up just admitting he's shit at cooking. To which jve replied, well practise then, we have cook books!

Some men are just pathetic.

Record your voice on your phone telling him how wonderful he is at cooking, how delicious his meal looks, how much you’re looking forward to eating it.

Set it to play in the kitchen, then take yourself out (alone) on a walk.

Seriously, sit him down at a time not connected to meal prep and outline the unreasonableness of his attitude and actions. If that doesn’t inspire change, go all 1950’s on his arse and go on strike during the week. Sandwiches for you and the kids, leave the packets out so he can DIY when he gets in. Do that for a looooong time, keep it up after the shock has turned into arguments turned into sulks, etc. Do it until he offers to make the sandwiches for everyone, off his own bat.

He's doing it again.

Today we're having fish fingers on a bread roll (shop bought), potato wedges (shop bought), and a bit of salad (in a bag ready prepared).

He's shouting in that he needs a hand and is acting all stressed.

Ignore him, after you've shown him this thread.

Send one of the kids to help.

Genuinely puzzled as to how some men are so utterly incapable despite being adults, fathering children and presumably working too.

There is nothing less attractive, in a sexual sense and in a partner sense than another child who happens to be in an adult's body.

Where do these ridiculous people come from? How do they get to adulthood, requiring every aspect of their lives to be managed for them?

They don't. They know fine how to do it, it's just easier to let their wives/partners do it all. Ugh.

Get shouty.

Tell him he is now on ALL cooking duty until making fish finger rolls isn’t daunting.

I would go in and do my best impression of the Great British Bake Off hosts. Have one of the children film on the phone. Don't touch a thing, just stand near the counter, peer over the ingredients and ask quizzically why he chose such a complex recipe and how he is going to manage all the components in the limited time allocated? Make a fun pun to soften the mood. Ask what the recipe means to him. Make cryptic comments about whether the (store bought completely done) bread will rise in time.

And then stand across the room under a clock bellowing that time is running out.

What he really means is ‘will you come and take over because I cannot be arsed’

My stepdad started doing this. Acted like he didn't even know what a kitchen was. And it was a total act - he had been the SAHP in his first marriage with 2 kids and definitely knew how to cook. My mum used to get annoyed but give in and cook it herself. One day it was just me at home (I was a teen at the time) so of course step dad comes moping into my room holding a can of chopped tomatoes, looking at it like he's never seen tinned food before. Starts asking stupid questions in the hopes I'll take over. Instead, I told him how incredibly embarrassed I was for him that he'd reached 40-something years old without learning the basics of a decent spag bol. I then directed him to the recipe books on the bookshelf and firmly shut my door. Idiot behaviour.

He resents having to do it. Don’t give in.

@Emily1091 is it that? Or is he making a meal of it (pardon the pun) because he wants OP to appreciate and admire how much 'hard' effort he put in so he gets credit.

I feel like men expect attention and acclaim for performing every household task whereas women just get on with it and consequently their labour is invisible and undervalued.

My DH has a neat trick where he never totally finishes a task start to finish, so it doesn't go unnoticed. If he folds a basket of laundry he won't put it away, it will sit in piles next to the basket. If he feeds the baby dinner the dishes will be left for me. If he baths the baby, the dirty clothes will be left by the tub, if he unstacks the dishwasher one or two things will be left on the counter because he 'doesn't know where they go.' Even though he does. I feel like it's his way of saying 'look!!! I did a thing!!!' 🏅

I just ignored him. He eventually called ds1 in to help.

The food arrived fine, the potato wedges were a bit burnt but fine, nobody complained I said it was nice I enjoyed it.

He said "the wedges were burnt, that's why I needed a hand really".

I mean really? Ffs.

Buy some of these for him

Yes that’s what I think it is, he’s use to have the majority of the week not having to muck in and the one meal he has to he has to ask for help and make out it’s too stressful to complete.
My ex use to do it all the time not just with meal making but with other stuff. ‘Come and help me make cheese on toast because I don’t know how to do it’ which then turned into ‘can you just do it because your the best at it’.. or his favourite was bargaining with me to either take the clothes to the dryer in the cellar (HATED going down there) or do another job - it was his house and he never helped me in my house so why should I lol annoying! I’d say how would you cope if I wasn’t here? Be freezing and starving but at least be wearing clean clothes? Haha

Yesimstillwatchingnetflix yes dh does those things too. He does his share of putting our youngest to bed, but he always leaves towels, toothbrush, shampoo bottles, empty milk cup discarded.

He's not that bad really, I mean neither of us spend a great deal of time sitting around at the others expense. It's just the way he acts about perfectly normal, simple tasks.

Well dne for ignoring him.

He said "the wedges were burnt, that's why I needed a hand really". You should have just told he managed to get everything else out of the oven fine, so there was no need for him to burn the wedges, other then pretending he incapable. Which is what he is doing and embarrassing himself in front of his children with his behaviour in not being able to cook a simple lunch for us.

I would also tell him it stops now. He is supposed to be grown adult and should be able to cook meals for his children if he feels it really a problem then for next few Christmas's and birthdays he will be get cookery lesson as he is be totally unreasonable.

@Marvelendgame

Vale for the wedges.

So just to wrap up (because it's so complex my head is spinning) tonight he had to:

Open a packet of bread
Tip a bag of salad into a bowl
Put fish fingers and wedges onto a pan and then in an oven
Wait an appropriate amount of time (presumably the time written on the packet those foods came in) and then remove them from oven.
Put aforementioned foods on table.

My god.

@Marvelendgame I think what both our DH's are saying is that these jobs are actually our jobs- and they are just filling in for us, for which we should be grateful.

If they saw this stuff as equally their responsibility then they would take ownership. They would develop any missing skills, complete the task in full, give thought to what needs to happen next etc. just like women do all the time.

I had a lot of knowledge gaps about cooking before DC was born. I learned because a) my family needs to eat and b) it's not bloody rocket science.