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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think dh should stop asking me for a hand?

110 replies

Marvelendgame · 04/05/2019 12:06

Monday to Thursday I cook for me, dh and two dc. I finish work, pick both dc up, get home, usually have to clear up from breakfast, put a wash on and put one away, have a general tidy up then cook dinner. Nothing fancy but I'll do lasagne, spaghetti Bolognese, simple curries, baked potatoes with meat and salad, pasta sauces, casseroles, chilli and so on. All of this is ready and on the plate for dh when he gets in.

On a Friday we will usually have a takeaway or shop bought pizza, but sometimes I'll do a stir fry or homemade pizza. I do all of the above on my own with two dc round my feet usually moaning that they're starving or arguing over who's watching tv. All normal stuff. On a Sunday we usually cook a roast together or just have oven food if we're not having a roast.

On a Saturday dh usually makes a bacon sandwich, or some eggs on toast for us all, or very occasionally a fry up. Every single time he can not and will not do this without asking me for a hand, asking aren't I going to help him, and getting all stressed and saying it's not fair that he has to do it all by himself.

Aibu to think he should just get on with it and that I should be allowed one or two simple meals to be prepared for me given that I cook the rest of the time?

OP posts:
IHaveNoIdeaReally · 04/05/2019 12:45

"he'd rather I came and stood in the kitchen with him so he doesn't feel alone (he's admitted that)."

How utterly pathetic.

NoSquirrels · 04/05/2019 12:46

WeeDangerous yes I agree entirely. The "can you just" school of sorting stuff out and completing a task. Infuriating. I've about trained mine out of it now - packing the fucking nappy bags used to drive me WILD with rage when I'd done it all solo all week on maternity leave!

GetOffTheTableMabel · 04/05/2019 12:46

CalmDownJanet - I would like to appoint you as my new speech writer. If I send a short list of situations that are driving me nuts, could you possibly compose a pithy, one paragraph scolding that will have the perpetrators getting their shit together in an instant?
You have got some game girl. 👏

Greenyogagirl · 04/05/2019 12:49

Maybe you could agree with him? ‘Yes cooking is sooooo stressful, I’m glad you think we should do every meal together, thanks!’
Then put him on chopping and stirring duty all week

5catsnow · 04/05/2019 12:49

It sounds as if it’s not so much that he minds the actual cooking, but he needs an audience. My DH can be like this. But over cooking, because he died to do this at all, but if he’s doing any DIY, he might need me to “hold” things for him, like spanners. Or if he’s gardening, it’s “can you run and get me.., x,y,z”. Even if he’s doing something to his cats or bikes, he’ll need something from me. Drives me mad, when I cook for him 24/7 and manage to multi-task other things at the same time. It’s attention-seeking basically.

5catsnow · 04/05/2019 12:50

“Doesn’t do this at all” Blush (he hasn’t died for it yet)!

Potplant · 04/05/2019 12:50

My ex used to do this and it drove me insane.

I'd do every meal, every day except Sunday and he never offered to help with any of it, would even leave his plate on the table for me to clean up.

Come Sunday, he'd be constantly huffing and puffing about how much he had to do and how hard it all was doing stuff by himself.

5catsnow · 04/05/2019 12:51

Also, “doing something to his cars” not his cats. Arrrgggh!

DarlingNikita · 04/05/2019 12:51

I've told him I cook 4-5 nights a week without any help. He just says what he's making is stressful.

Tell him not to fucking bother with his big Great Dad Saturday Breakfast Miracle then. And also that you'll not be bothering having his dinner ready for him five days a week from now on.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 04/05/2019 12:51

Remind him he’s making a bacon sandwich, not negotiating Brexit. Tell him if he wants company he can put the radio on.

JeezOhGeeWhizz · 04/05/2019 12:55

Show him this thread and tell him to stop acting the prick.

Marvelendgame · 04/05/2019 12:55

5catsnow yes that's what he's like.

It's not that he can't do it, or won't do it, he just seems to like trying to allocate people little jobs or wants company.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 04/05/2019 12:56

I’d cut the number of days you cook and up his - it sounds like he needs the practice.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/05/2019 12:59

I hate this "learnt helplessness" bollocks these menchildren pull.

He's a total dick.

Marvelendgame · 04/05/2019 13:02

I mean to be fair, he would cook during the week if I asked him to. I do it because I'm home first, I'm hungry, the dc are hungry, so I just get the dinner on. If dh gets in and I'm still cooking he will ask if I want a hand, but I don't need it.

If he does ever cook during the week (not often) he makes egg and chips, forgets to do the beans then blames me because I didn't give him a hand Angry

OP posts:
motortroll · 04/05/2019 13:07

My husband does this too. Dick

5catsnow · 04/05/2019 13:07

Marvel, yes it’s attention-seeking and they need validation when they do something. I’m not sure why. I’m not sure how to snap them out if this either.

BellatrixLeStrangest · 04/05/2019 13:09

I just came on to say that Janet should be PM. Bet she'd whip Brexit up in no time.

CalmdownJanet · 04/05/2019 13:14

GetOffTheTableMabel I charge the hefty sum of a decent Easter egg at Easter and a selection box at Christmas, cheap labour but I'm in for chocolate Grin

category12 · 04/05/2019 13:15

If he just wants company, go and sit in the kitchen with a nice coffee and watch him. Give him a round of applause when he's done.

Walkaround · 04/05/2019 13:15

It can be nice to have someone to chat to in the kitchen. Sounds like he is used to cooking being a companionable experience, not a chore, whereas you have turned it into a bit of a chore to be done alone - or just prefer to be left alone in the kitchen. The asking for help sounds like an excuse to have a bit of human contact! On that basis, I sympathise with your dh to a certain extent, as he is having a lot of the pleasure of the experience taken away from him.

iklboo · 04/05/2019 13:17

If he just wants company, go and sit in the kitchen with a nice coffee and watch him. Give him a round of applause when he's done.

And one of those party bag medals you get in the pound shop. Grin

BiscuitDrama · 04/05/2019 13:20

I’d just brush it off, with a laugh and say ‘don’t be daft’.

RomanyQueen1 · 04/05/2019 13:22

Tell him all the things you manage to do and start asking him for a hand. Tell him it's not fair you should do it all. He sounds a lazy arse tbh

DarlingNikita · 04/05/2019 13:23

If he does ever cook during the week (not often) he makes egg and chips, forgets to do the beans then blames me because I didn't give him a hand

What a tit. Why don't you start being as 'incompetent' at it as him.Show him how annoying it is.

Walkaround, please. The OP hasn't 'turned it into a bit of a chore' – she does it, as so many of us do, because it's necessary. In her case it's necessary for her to do it because her DH won't step up.

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