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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think dh should stop asking me for a hand?

110 replies

Marvelendgame · 04/05/2019 12:06

Monday to Thursday I cook for me, dh and two dc. I finish work, pick both dc up, get home, usually have to clear up from breakfast, put a wash on and put one away, have a general tidy up then cook dinner. Nothing fancy but I'll do lasagne, spaghetti Bolognese, simple curries, baked potatoes with meat and salad, pasta sauces, casseroles, chilli and so on. All of this is ready and on the plate for dh when he gets in.

On a Friday we will usually have a takeaway or shop bought pizza, but sometimes I'll do a stir fry or homemade pizza. I do all of the above on my own with two dc round my feet usually moaning that they're starving or arguing over who's watching tv. All normal stuff. On a Sunday we usually cook a roast together or just have oven food if we're not having a roast.

On a Saturday dh usually makes a bacon sandwich, or some eggs on toast for us all, or very occasionally a fry up. Every single time he can not and will not do this without asking me for a hand, asking aren't I going to help him, and getting all stressed and saying it's not fair that he has to do it all by himself.

Aibu to think he should just get on with it and that I should be allowed one or two simple meals to be prepared for me given that I cook the rest of the time?

OP posts:
Babysharkdoodoodoodo · 04/05/2019 13:23

Actually I hate cooking fry-ups. Too much to be done and get ready at the same time. I just do bacon butties now. Less faffing.

But I agree with you. For some reason when dh's (adult) kids stay I'm supposed to do breakfast. However a) they are adults
b) he's an adult
and c) I can't be arsed as I cook all week.

EmeraldShamrock · 04/05/2019 13:28

So frustrating, I had this issue. I started to ask DP to help with lots of things, or question why men feel they need an apprentice or help with jobs.
He eventually got the hint, now it is rare and only if needed.
Speak to him seriously, let him know how annoying it is and refuse to help going forward, he should make a list plan before he starts, put beans in microwave type of thing. Wink

PinkHeart5914 · 04/05/2019 13:29

FFS why do you put up with it? I really do worry about some women honestly I do.

Your voice works doesn’t it? So bloody well use it

My dh works a demanding job, with long working hours and a huge commute but he always does dinner EVERY Friday night for me and him (dc are little so in bed when he gets home) and he cooks EVERY meal we eat on Saturday and Sunday without asking for a hand

Littlecaf · 04/05/2019 13:43

I totally know what you mean! And YANBU!

I get the kids up, breakfast , dressed, etc out the door then pick up, dinner etc 5 days a week. This morning I’m in the shower (I only get undisturbed showers on the weekend) he’s like “can you watch DS (1 yo) while........” erm my one child free shower/hair dry a week and you can’t change a nappy on your own?

Whoops75 · 04/05/2019 13:48

Go for a walk and come home when it’s ready.

He’s being a twat

catontherun · 04/05/2019 13:50

IMHO and sadly experience, this is more about you being visibly free whilst he cooks.

It seems to be ingrained in some people.

Can you develop something needing to be done at that very point in time tactic ?

cakeandchampagne · 04/05/2019 13:52

CalmdownJanet can stop by and show you exactly how to fix this- and whatever else needs fixing in your house!

Holidayshopping · 04/05/2019 13:53

I would be busy doing something so you can’t help him. If he really finds it too stressful, he needs to choose a meal to cook that he would find less stressful.

He needs to man up!

laurG · 04/05/2019 13:58

Omg I am so glad it’s not just me that suffers this. I do basically everything child related during the week in this house. The only thing oh does is give our son his bath.That is all. However, he is Always asking me for help. Can you get his towel, could you find me clean clothes, a nappy. I manage all alone all day and I just want 30 mins of peace before I make HIS dinner. He then says I’m being really selfish not helping him! Ffs! It’s not that hard.

BalloonSlayer · 04/05/2019 14:06

He just says what he's making is stressful.

Say - OK, we'll swap. You make all the easy dinners all week, and I will make the "stressful" Saturday breakfast. OK?

Frogarmy · 04/05/2019 14:09

I love it when the first response on a thread is the only one you need Grin

If you ever go into politics, @CalmdownJanet, you've got my vote!

emmeline333 · 04/05/2019 14:13

My husband does it too. The other day I actually said to him 'you work a highly paid, highly skilled job. I refuse to believe you can't do something as basic as find a utensil without my help.' His response? 'I'm not as smart as you think'.

emmeline333 · 04/05/2019 14:13

And btw, it drives me batshit.

TheGoalIsToStayOutOfTheHole · 04/05/2019 14:18

YANBU at all. I have known a fair amount of men like this, it annoys the hell out of me, seeing friends ran off their feet, then a guy (for example) deciding to make a cuppa but asking for her help doing so! A cuppa, bacon sandwich, whatever does not require 2 people just because a bloke is lazy. Quite different if its a proper meal, but tbh when I am doing a roast or whatever, I can't imagine much worse than DH hovering round to 'help'. Especially given his 'help' is usually standing in the middle of the room asking me to pass plates, knives, whatever rather than just bloody getting them himself.

Deathraystare · 04/05/2019 14:34

These excuses of men are all hoping you'll say ok, let me do it. DO NOT.
Instead, everytime a man is shown cooking something simple on tv -not cheffie - clutch your heart and say "Oh my god! A man managed to fry an egg without whingeing! Give me his phone number, pronto!"

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 04/05/2019 14:38

Another vote for making him cook more.
Give the kids a small snack to tide them over.

And none of this chips and egg and beans bollocks.

Let him do it and deal with the kids you
get in the bath and don’t give him a hand.
Grin

Rinse and repeat

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/05/2019 14:45

Another one agreeing with Janet, the first poster. How annoying he is.

LadyGAgain · 04/05/2019 16:23

@CalmdownJanet nailed it!

GabsAlot · 05/05/2019 19:02

ffs he cant cook a fry up? believe me im the wors cook in thw world and can still manage that

Saracen · 05/05/2019 19:48

I am a reasonably competent cook but I find it stressful and can't produce the same sorts of things as my DH. In particular, I can't multitask and find fry-ups tricky. So I can understand this might be where your DH is coming from. (He has lost all grip on reality if he thinks he could run - or even work in - a cafe if he can't cook one family's fry-up solo, however!)

If he says the fry-ups are too difficult, why not suggest he find something different to cook which would work better for him? I like stews and casseroles because there's no time pressure, getting interrupted doesn't create a crisis, and I have time to realise if I've forgotten something - I can check the recipe if needed. Cold spreads are easy in that respect too, with just one hot or two items maybe; I like serving fajitas.

Saracen · 05/05/2019 19:49

But it shouldn't be your problem to fix this. He should be the one here telling us he finds cooking difficult and asking for tips!

Gentlygrowingoldermale · 05/05/2019 20:07

Show him this - Melinda Gates answer to the first question.

www.theguardian.com/us-news/2019/may/05/melinda-gates-interview-the-moment-of-lift-gates-foundation

Walkaround · 06/05/2019 09:24

I HATE doing fry ups - it IS a bit stressful getting everything ready at once, unless you have a huge kitchen and multiple frying pans, and it takes ages to clear up the mess. A fry up is ruined if some stuff has gone a bit cold or has dried up being kept warm. Also, Marvelendgame does not do the rest of the cooking because her dh makes her do it, but because she and the kids are hungry when she gets home, which is earlier than her dh gets home, so she wants to get started. Her dh offers to help when he gets home if it is not finished and she sends him away from the kitchen because she feels she doesn't need help. This doesn't sound to me like a specifically man-created problem, but a family problem. Why does the dh always do the fry ups (fun to eat, hideous to cook), anyway? Does he get any choice on what the family eat for the rest of the week? Who cleans up after the meals? Why do they do the roast together? It's not as if a roast is tricky to do. Only the serving up requires more than one person to help with the timing. How old are the kids? Can they learn to wait a bit longer for meals, or have snacks when they first get home and a proper meal later? Or do the family need to learn to use a slow cooker? Or does this arrangement actually rather suit the OP, even though it clearly doesn't suit her dh?

ElloBrian · 06/05/2019 09:33

Perhaps he should cook something else like pasta.

Walkaround · 06/05/2019 09:41

If I were the dh, I would much rather do the occasional jacket potato and salad, or simple curry, or spaghetti bolognese on my own during the week than the occasional fry up. The former three meals are about as unstressful to prepare as it gets. I think the cooking of fry ups should be shared, or done together...

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