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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset by this?

88 replies

Armadilloboss · 04/05/2019 10:01

Sorry in advance for the long message.
I have posted some n here before about the crappy 18months I have had. Lost my baby to Edwards syndrome, developed ptsd and am currently going through a divorce.
So not really in the best frame of mind, but feeling a bit upset so just want to know if I’m Being U?
So, as I say iv struggled with ptsd since the baby, friend is well aware of this. Last year another of our friends got pregnant. I confided in my friend how hard it was to be involved in the pregnancy conversations etc. She told me I should get over it and I should be getting more involved. 2 weeks later she announces that she’s 12 weeks pregnant. Then starts sending me scan pictures saying how amazing it was and how she was so happy, and continued to send me messages of how tired she was, how she was feeling etc. When I again explained to her that I was so happy for her but I was struggling with things, she said I was being unfair, and I shouldn’t expect her not to talk about her happiness to me. I took it on the chin and made more of an effort to hide my feelings.
Fast forward to yesterday and I find out on Instagram that she has given birth, and named her baby the name that I had confided in her was my baby name.
Don’t get me wrong, she can call her baby whatever she likes, but as a friend, I feel upset that she has used my baby name, after I had such a difficult time and lost the baby. We were very close friends (I was her bridesmaid last year, she was mine the year before) but now I feel like I can’t continue the friendship because her baby is now going to constantly be a reminder of the baby I should have had.

OP posts:
Hisnamesblaine · 04/05/2019 10:05

Sorry for your loss. I know people will say that you don't own a name but personally i would be fuming

AnnieMay100 · 04/05/2019 10:07

Sorry for your loss, she is being very insensitive and I wouldn’t want to be her friend any longer. Such a cruel thing to do. I hope you have good friends to support you.

EL8888 · 04/05/2019 10:08

😲 l don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. It’s your “friend” who is. She’s also very tactless and selfish. Sorry to hear about the bad time you have had / are having

Stayawayfromitsmouth · 04/05/2019 10:08

Shock What a bitch!

NamelessGem · 04/05/2019 10:08

I don’t blame you, I’d feel the same way.

Your ‘friend’ sounds like a nasty piece of shit.

Sorry for your loss Flowers I hope things pick up and you find happiness again xx

thenewaveragebear1983 · 04/05/2019 10:09

Sorry for the loss of your baby.

She doesn't sound like a very good friend to be honest. I'd let her go.

Be kind to yourself Thanks

Mrsfs · 04/05/2019 10:09

I'm sorry, this must be so difficult for you. I would take a step back from the friendship for a while. Your friend sounds really insensitive.

Baloonphobia · 04/05/2019 10:09

Might be time to let this friendship go. She sounds like she might be 100% baby orientated from now on anyway so you will probably have nothing in common.

Puddingmama2017 · 04/05/2019 10:11

Please don’t continue this friendship and do not feel guilty for doing so.

She is an absolute disgrace of a human being.

MingeOnFire · 04/05/2019 10:11

Sorry for your loss Flowers

Personally, I wouldn't be able to get over this, and the friendship would be over. Your 'friend' has shown a total lack of sensitivity.

Vika1985 · 04/05/2019 10:13

So sorry, op. She sounds like an absolute bitch. I would be heartbroken xx

AliceRR · 04/05/2019 10:14

I’m sorry for the loss of your baby OP and I’m sorry your friend had treated you this way.

She is not a good friend. Yes she is happy and no one would expect her not to be but you also have a right to feel the way you do and she could share her baby pics etc with someone else!

And her using the name is very low.

I don’t think you should continue the friendship. Even if not for the name being a reminder, she had been very selfish indeed.

EnglishRose13 · 04/05/2019 10:15

Usually I would say you can name a baby whatever you want but this is something else. How insensitive! To not even mention it beforehand shows she is no friend and has very little concern for your feelings.

Right now you need supper and to surround yourself with only positive things. You do not need to be around more heartache and pain. Be a little selfish, put your well-being first, and ditch her.

EnglishRose13 · 04/05/2019 10:16

Support, and possibly supper 🤦🏼‍♀️

Original poster
Armadilloboss · 04/05/2019 10:17

Thanks everyone. I’m looking at the comments on her post and everyone is saying ‘what a lovely name’ I feel like screaming ‘it’s my fucking name’ haha.
Iv txt her, literally just saying congratulations. Just Out of courtesy so I don’t look bitter, but that will be the last time I speak to her I think.

OP posts:
Enix · 04/05/2019 10:18

Hugely insensitive and really sorry to hear about your loss 💐

I think your friend is being a grade A egotistical dick and you should just let that friendship go as it's clearly not having any positive effect in your life.

CareBear50 · 04/05/2019 10:20

Oh OP I'm so so sorry.

Heart goes out to you.

It sounds like she is completely focused on herself and new baby. She is being utterly insensitive to the point of almost being cruel.

I would just distance myself from her and rely on other friends and family for support x

BarrenFieldofFucks · 04/05/2019 10:20

She's an utter utter arsehole. Unfollow/block etc.

Didiusfalco · 04/05/2019 10:21

Cut her out. I hadn’t even got to the name part and I thought she was an insensitive bitch.
I’ve been through something similar and my friends were amazing and so kind - you deserve better.

yourestandingonmyneck · 04/05/2019 10:22

Her defence would be "you can't own a name" and yes, ok, in general I would agree. But the way she has gone about it has been incredibly insensitive. Also, regardless of the name, you should not have been finding out about the birth through Instagram. If she was that good a friend she would have been in touch personally.

It sounds like she is either completely self-obsessed and has no self-awareness at all.....or she is incredibly cruel and trying to get a reaction from you. Don't give her one. You have done the right thing by sending a congratulations message - just treat her as an "acquaintance" (the way she is treating you) and let the friendship slowly fade away.

Look after yourself xxxxxx

Soubriquet · 04/05/2019 10:24

I’m sorry for your loss OP but your friend sounds like a bitch

She is telling you to be happy for her but she can’t sympathise with you over your loss

Then the icing on the cake? She uses your baby name

Dump her. She isn’t a friend

Banhaha · 04/05/2019 10:24

Oh how heartbreaking for you x I would have at the very least expected her to let you know they were thinking of that name first (if there was a reason they wanted it e.g. it's a name in the family/means something to them and they couldn't think of any others). But even then I think I would have asked your thoughts first and if you minded I'd have chosen another one.

Please look after yourself x

Alaria44 · 04/05/2019 10:26

I'm sorry for the loss of your baby and the hard time you've had afterwards.

I agree that you can choose whatever name you like for a baby but in this circumstance, that is really insensitive IMO. I also agree that you should step back from this friendship because it doesn't really sound like much of one to me. You shouldn't have to hide your feelings whatsoever!

I have never been through what you have, so won't even try to imagine how you feel but I do see how difficult seeing a friend with her baby would be.

I hate the phrase "get over it" and what a horrible thing to say. It is not something to get over, your pain and upset is real.

Flowers
Banhaha · 04/05/2019 10:26

Oh and I wouldn't bother contacting her again unless she apologises and realises how insensitive she's been towards you.

8misskitty8 · 04/05/2019 10:27

What a bitch. Even before her using the name she was bang out of order with her comments and texting you.
She is not your friend OP. Block her and ignore.

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