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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset by this?

88 replies

Armadilloboss · 04/05/2019 10:01

Sorry in advance for the long message.
I have posted some n here before about the crappy 18months I have had. Lost my baby to Edwards syndrome, developed ptsd and am currently going through a divorce.
So not really in the best frame of mind, but feeling a bit upset so just want to know if I’m Being U?
So, as I say iv struggled with ptsd since the baby, friend is well aware of this. Last year another of our friends got pregnant. I confided in my friend how hard it was to be involved in the pregnancy conversations etc. She told me I should get over it and I should be getting more involved. 2 weeks later she announces that she’s 12 weeks pregnant. Then starts sending me scan pictures saying how amazing it was and how she was so happy, and continued to send me messages of how tired she was, how she was feeling etc. When I again explained to her that I was so happy for her but I was struggling with things, she said I was being unfair, and I shouldn’t expect her not to talk about her happiness to me. I took it on the chin and made more of an effort to hide my feelings.
Fast forward to yesterday and I find out on Instagram that she has given birth, and named her baby the name that I had confided in her was my baby name.
Don’t get me wrong, she can call her baby whatever she likes, but as a friend, I feel upset that she has used my baby name, after I had such a difficult time and lost the baby. We were very close friends (I was her bridesmaid last year, she was mine the year before) but now I feel like I can’t continue the friendship because her baby is now going to constantly be a reminder of the baby I should have had.

OP posts:

Chesham · 04/05/2019 12:33

I am so sorry for your loss. I, too, have lost a baby to Edwards Symdrome 11 years agony have never gotten over it. I hope you were able to name your baby and have some lovely ways to remember him or her by.

And your frenemy can fuck the fuck off. Block. Delete. Cease all contact. What a bitch. And yes hearing that name of YOUR child will forever reopen those scars.

Not a friend. A true selfish nasty bitch without any original thoughts of her own.

hewontstopshitting · 04/05/2019 12:40

OP, I’d completely cut her out. She isn’t a good friend, even if she had loved that name and had it planned for years she could’ve asked you how you felt about it. She isn’t worth your time.

I’m sorry for your loss

MotherOfDragonite · 04/05/2019 12:43

I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby, OP. Your "friend" sounds incredibly insensitive. I'm normally in the "nobody owns a name" camp, but this is just so hurtful and insensitive -- reflecting the tone of her other behaviour to you as well. You don't need somebody like this in your life. And you don't owe her any sort of explanation if you don't think it's helpful for your own healing to give it.

JacquesHammer · 04/05/2019 12:44

I am usually very much of the opinion you can’t own a name.

However in this situation she has shown a marked lack of human decency.

She isn’t a good friend OP.

for the difficult time you’re going through

Drum2018 · 04/05/2019 12:49

Did you actually name your baby that name when baby was born? I'm confused in why you confided in her about the name - surely it was common knowledge once your baby was born? My baby died some years ago and I would have been upset if my friend had named her baby the same name. However she's a good friend and was distraught even telling me she was pregnant. She was very sensitive to my feelings throughout her pregnancy. That's a friend, not someone who shoves their pregnancy down your throat and names their baby the same name as the child you recently lost. Years on and it wouldn't bother me if a friend named their baby the same as mine now, but shortly afterwards, not on!

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 04/05/2019 12:54

I'm so very sorry for your loss, OP

She's not your friend, she's horrible. Like lots of PP have said, most of the time these 'it's my name' type discussions are met with 'you can't own a name, get over it and move on' but this really isn't the case here. Especially added to her awfully insensitive treatment of you all throughout her pregnancy. I would cut contact with her to save myself heartache and pain, and I'd happily explain to others why if they asked. Look after yourself OP, she clearly doesn't care about your feelings.

b0bb1n · 04/05/2019 12:55

I can't believe anyone would be so callous!! Let alone a 'friend'. What a nasty, selfish, disgusting freak.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious little one, I can't imagine your pain x

MissPollyHadADolly19 · 04/05/2019 13:03

What a piece of work she is!! Fucking disgusting.
I'm fuming on your behalf OP, I'm sorry for your loss too
But seriously get rid of her as a friend, you're better off!

Original poster

Armadilloboss · 04/05/2019 13:11

Thanks for all your messages. I think distancing myself from her is definitely what i need to do here.

drum2018 I lost the baby to Edwards syndrome. The baby was never born and so the name was not announced to people, hence, what I mean by confided.

OP posts:

WithAllIntenseAndPurposes · 04/05/2019 13:46

She has no empathy and seems to not care about how you may be feeling. That's me being polite. She appears to be a self centred arse hole and you will gain nothing from continuing the 'friendship'

SummerWhisper · 04/05/2019 14:38

So very sorry for your loss x

True friendship is an amazing experience as demonstrated by @Missperegrinespeculiar

This person is not a friend, but a competitor.

I would simply send her a lovely baby card, congratulating her and adding: "thank you so much for honouring my own baby in the naming of your child. That is such a beautiful thing to do."

Wishing you a wonderful life ahead of you, OP and much love to you xxx

Nillynally · 04/05/2019 14:44

I'm so sorry for your loss she is an awful friend who is blindly insensitive. I would get rid of her. What a horrible person x

AliceRR · 04/05/2019 16:57

I lost the baby to Edwards syndrome. The baby was never born and so the name was not announced to people, hence, what I mean by confided.

I was wondering this too OP.

I had a stillbirth earlier this year and so we named the baby and this was common knowledge.

I assume your loss was a bit earlier as you say the baby was never born but even so your friend has been far from a friend to you. Is she usually a good friend? I suppose it doesn’t matter as I think she’s gone to far now but I just wonder whether someone who has behaved like that was ever a good friend to you. She sounds like a horrible person.

A few weeks after I had my stillbirth (a baby girl), a good friend had her baby girl and I saw her and her baby but I did that out of choice and went to lengths to try to let her know she didn’t need to stay away / not mention baby etc but no way would she have behaved as your friend has. It’s hard to believe tbh.

If you want to talk about your experience or your baby then do OP. There are some wonderful women (and men I think) on here and I’ve had a lot of support from mumsnet and Sands

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