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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset by this?

88 replies

Armadilloboss · 04/05/2019 10:01

Sorry in advance for the long message.
I have posted some n here before about the crappy 18months I have had. Lost my baby to Edwards syndrome, developed ptsd and am currently going through a divorce.
So not really in the best frame of mind, but feeling a bit upset so just want to know if I’m Being U?
So, as I say iv struggled with ptsd since the baby, friend is well aware of this. Last year another of our friends got pregnant. I confided in my friend how hard it was to be involved in the pregnancy conversations etc. She told me I should get over it and I should be getting more involved. 2 weeks later she announces that she’s 12 weeks pregnant. Then starts sending me scan pictures saying how amazing it was and how she was so happy, and continued to send me messages of how tired she was, how she was feeling etc. When I again explained to her that I was so happy for her but I was struggling with things, she said I was being unfair, and I shouldn’t expect her not to talk about her happiness to me. I took it on the chin and made more of an effort to hide my feelings.
Fast forward to yesterday and I find out on Instagram that she has given birth, and named her baby the name that I had confided in her was my baby name.
Don’t get me wrong, she can call her baby whatever she likes, but as a friend, I feel upset that she has used my baby name, after I had such a difficult time and lost the baby. We were very close friends (I was her bridesmaid last year, she was mine the year before) but now I feel like I can’t continue the friendship because her baby is now going to constantly be a reminder of the baby I should have had.

OP posts:
Karwomannghia · 04/05/2019 10:28

That’s so insensitive. Fine not to speak to her again, she’s caused you nothing but pain, knowingly.

Oldermums · 04/05/2019 10:29

I'm so sorry for the very difficult time you have , are having.

I agree with others let this person exit your life. It would have been the actions of a good friend to speak to you about the nam. The only way I could have retained this friendship was if she had used the name as second name in honour of your child. This with your agreement oh course.

Merryoldgoat · 04/05/2019 10:30

Your friend is a cunt. I’m very sorry for your loss and the difficult time you’re having.

Redskyandrainbows67 · 04/05/2019 10:30

Omg that’s awful!! I would post a comment on her thread so everyone can see what she’s done - yes lovely name - it’s the name I named the baby I lost and I confided that in you and you didn’t even bother to tell me you were going to use it on your newborn’.
Cut this ‘friend’ out of your life completely

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 04/05/2019 10:31

She has been horrible, insensitive and dismissive towards you. I wouldn’t bother with her any more, she’s no friend.

Guardsman18 · 04/05/2019 10:34

Probably clutching at straws but might she have done it in honour of your child type of thing?

Sorry if I'm way off

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 04/05/2019 10:34

That isn’t a friend, if she was even vaguely considering that name she should have forewarned you so you didn’t have such a horrible shock.

Please don’t feel guilty for feeling like she’s a terrible friend, because she is.

I’m sorry for your loss

Guardsman18 · 04/05/2019 10:35

Just realised that someone has suggested it already

Gertie75 · 04/05/2019 10:36

She's not a friend, you should've cut contact as soon as she had a go at you for finding it hard to hear about another friends pregnancy.

As for using the name, she's either forgotten it was the name you chose or is so insensitive that she it didn't cross her mind you'd care or she's deliberately hurting you, whichever it is she's not a nice person and not someone worth having as a friend.

Atalune · 04/05/2019 10:36

Nasty woman.

Let that friendship go. She’s no friend to you

Lamkin · 04/05/2019 10:39

Oh that is harsh on you, I'm so sorry @Armadilloboss
Thanksfor you and your precious baby.

Your friend is a total bitch, there is no other word. But the high and mighty do fall, everyone thinks it won't happen to them...until it does.
You're been through too much to let such a horrible individual impact on you.
Cut her off and save your sanity. She is absolutely not worth it.

Grainedmonkey · 04/05/2019 10:39

OP my heart goes out to you. Try and let go of feelings about the baby name. After what you have been through, and are still going through, a name is the least of your problems. Don't feel obliged to congratulate the 'friend' she is being very selfish and insensitive.

WeeDangerousSpike · 04/05/2019 10:40

She's either self obsessed to the point of not caring about anyone else, or she's actively truing to hurt you.
Either way she's not someone you need in your life.

I'm so very sorry Flowers

NotTerfNorCis · 04/05/2019 10:42

That sounds like a really malicious thing to do. If she had any empathy at all she'd know it would hurt you. Either she's trying to upset you or she's completely selfish and insensitive - either way, not worth keeping as a friend.

RevealTheLegend · 04/05/2019 10:43

What a cunt.

Drop her.

Though it love to think I would have the balls to post under the Facebook announcement as Red suggested.

cuppycakey · 04/05/2019 10:43

She isn't a friend Flowers

I am usually very damning of people who say "My SIL called her baby the name I wanted" etc but in this case YANBU. Not.At.All

I would dump her to be honest. I hope life improves for you soon.

S1naidSucks · 04/05/2019 10:44

I hate to say this, but I think your so called friend is a nasty bastard that seemed to actually get a kick out of being cruel to you. Before all this horrendous stuff happened to you, by any chance did you appear to her to be luckier, happier, etc than her? I may be way of the mark, but her behaviour almost strikes me as someone who is actually gloating at another person’s tragedy.

missperegrinespeculiar · 04/05/2019 10:46

A good friend of mine lost her baby at 3 days old, she was obviously devastated, in many ways she still is 12 years later, although she has continued with her life, and has found some peace. She had picked for her son the name I had always, since I was little, thought I would give my own child.

When she lost her precious son, there was no question in my mind the name was now off limits, it went without saying. I would have done anything to ease her pain, and giving up a name was nothing, did not even rate as a sacrifice compared to the immensity of her loss.

I did get pregnant a few weeks later, and she was immensely gracious, but had to keep a little distance for a while, who wouldn't understand that?

Your "friend" is an idiot, ditch her, you don't need this.

I am very sorry for the loss of your baby, I do hope in time the pain will ease.

bananasandwicheseveryday · 04/05/2019 10:46

I am usually very much in the 'you don't own a name' camp. But this is different. Your 'fiend'is either deeply insensitive, or downright nasty. Either way, she has hurt you beyond anything that I would find forgivable.

theemptystoreroom · 04/05/2019 10:54

Your friend's behaviour is absolutely shocking. She lacks any sort of empathy or normal human compassion and is entirely self-obsessed.

She is not being a friend, or even normally decent human being at all.

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/05/2019 10:54

Wow she has been really insensitive towards you. I'm so sorry for your loss and all you went through afterwards too :(

YouokHun · 04/05/2019 10:55

I’m constantly amazed at what passes for friendship on MN threads.

I’ve been in your friend’s position where I was made aware of the name lined up for a friend’s baby who had very sadly died the year before and that name was top of my list. She didn’t own the name of course but I crossed it off my list because I knew it would hurt her, because she’s my friend and I knew she was very unhappy and I didn’t want to be the one to add to it. This person is not your friend OP.

BettyDuMonde · 04/05/2019 10:58

Even without the name thing she has shown herself to be a shitty friend.

Are you getting proper support for your PTSD? My 6 year old daughter almost died last year and we both have resultant trauma stress - luckily the children’s hospital provides us both with access to a specialist psychologist, so we haven’t had to go through our GP or wait.

Obviously your circumstances are different and what’s available differs from region to region, but if there is any professional support available, please take it (and consider paying privately if not - most therapists will allow you to book in as and when you can afford it, and many offer a sliding scale of fees depending on your income).

Sorry for your loss Flowers

swingofthings · 04/05/2019 11:03

She really isn't a friend OP. Friends don't act so selfishly when their choices hurt your feelings deeply.

julensaor · 04/05/2019 11:08

What an awful thing to do, please don't ever contact her again OP, that is not a friendship. Take care of yourself, be around people who love and respect you. So sorry for the loss of your little baby Flowers.

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