I feel so old, Aibu to miss being young so very much?

[Hidinginplainsight85]

I’m nearly 36 and have been married for 14 years - 2 dc.
I got married way way way too young and missed all the carefree going out stuff and had first dc at 25.
I think it’s just suddenly hit me that I’m nearly 40 and the best years are gone. Everything is responsibility and very little fun. Well no fun to be honest. I know when I was younger I really wanted children, like it was a huge desire to have them, but now I really wish I’d waited at least another five years to get married and probably another few years to have dc. I would have loved to travel but didn’t, I was always too scared to strike out on my own. Now I wouldn’t be but instead I’m trapped by responsibilities. I know this is just what happens of course.
I’m so bored, I feel like it’s too late for me though. My children have aged me about twenty years due to not getting any sleep and my eldest has additional needs and it grinds me down. Where have the happy carefree days gone, maybe they were never like that really and I’ve just blocked out the bad parts.

Aibu to feel so nostalgic for being young? The clothes and music and films and everything are now all aimed at people a decade younger than me and it’s depressing.

Oh my God. I am older than you and feel so young. Sorry to be blunt but you have to make time to do the things you enjoy. If you like travelling start small, go with (or without the kids if you prefer) for a bit across Europe for 1-2 weeks. If you want to go clubbing or on holiday with your mates do it.

You don’t mention your husband. Doesn’t he do anything to bring fun into your life?

And, whatever you feel now, it’s quite likely that many of your best years are ahead of you. Try to get out of the mindset of clinging to an image of ‘life’ being for people in their twenties. That really isn’t the case.

You have your own life to live so live it
Go on holidays
Go on holidays with your mates!
Join clubs and social events

Seriously 36 is young
If you had waited another 5 years to have kids you would just have dragged out longer the "other side" which to me is the long freedom AFTER kids

I had my (only dc) at 25 too. I'm excited for my 40s I'll have a teenager and alot of opportunity back to do what I WANT
40 IS young.
A bit melodramatic but I dont worry about getting older because alot of people dont get the chance!

It's called rose-coloured glasses. Mid 30s should be a great time. Having a child with SEN is a drain (I have 3 of them) but you need to change your mindset, or see your GP if you really can't.

Find an interest outside of the children. There are lots of running groups setting up for women which attract all ages. Or you could do a part time evening class. The opportunities are there these days and a lot of them are free.

I am 55 and went back to tap dancing this year after a gap of over 30 years. I am one of the oldest in the class but so what?

I'm the same age as you and with pretty much the same trajectory, been married 14yrs and have 4 dc.
Except, I go out. Sometimes I can get out with my best friend once a month, sometimes it gets to once in three months or longer. But we do it. And we go drinking in town and dance. And don't care what anyone thinks! We're never the oldest out, by a long shot, and we know the teeny bopper bars to avoid and which are aimed at an older but not over the hill age range. Your 36, not 76!! You've got a long way ahead of you yet and when you are 76 you'll regret thinking you were old now.
Your DP can, and will, manage if you decide to go out for a few hours of an evening.

The problem isn't your age but how you're living life. I got married and had kids younger than you did, but I've done more than most of my friends who started families in their 30s. Having children does not mean life stops, yes ok it is baby centred for a few years, but after that they are a part of your life, they shouldn't be your whole life (IMO). DH and I go on holiday to places that wouldn't interest them (taking them elsewhere of course) when they're a bit older these holidays will be for all our family but I'm not putting my life on hold seeing what I want to see because you just don't know what'll happen in the meantime. We both have very fulfilling careers that can also come with travel and make the time for our own interests. This all makes me sound very self absorbed I assure you we have lots of family adventures too, family life doesn't have to be a slog, but I appreciate my children don't have additional needs so I'm not sure what extra responsibilities that brings into your life in particular, but I guess what I;m trying to say is it is your life, own it. You married and had kids young and there is no changing that, nor does it need to be changed, but you can change your attitude now and do things for YOU. Show your children how to live, you can't wait for life to start, it's started.

I'm 71, my head is 40 years younger than my passport, I still say things like 'that old woman' and OH has to remind me that I'm probably older than she is!

The problem is I’ve no childcare or family / friends to have my dc so they are mine 24/7. It makes doing anything else really difficult.

I see threads like this a lot, sorry if this sounds harsh but it sounds like you need a shake. Either you can have a pity party and say the usual - I have no childcare, no money, no time etc etc. Or you have look at what you do have, work out what it is you want, and come up with a plan as to how to achieve it even if partially. It may be a 10 year plan, it may be small things like I will go to Costa on Saturday, it might be a holiday of a lifetime or a university degree, I don't know, but if you don't take the time to figure out what it is you want and how you can make it work you will live in a miserable void forever. You have control over your life whether you think so or not.

Well if we have childcare problems (BFs husband works daft shifts) we have nights in with a bottle of wine.

You need to find something that you can do on your own that you enjoy. I appreciate its not easy for you, but it really helps.

I was almost 40 when I had DD and for the first couple of years I really lost my identity and it was a real grind. I took up running when she was nearly 2, partly just to get out the house on my own. I now belong to a fantastic running club and get out with them one or two nights a week. Running is just my thing, my DD doesn't run and my DH doesn't. It's also my social life and has given me another identity than wife and Mum.

You're 36!
If it wouldn't out me I would post a pic of my 72 yr old mum currently exploring NYC
Get a grip

You’ve heard the phrase ‘you’re as old as you feel’ right?

"Never regret growing old - it's a privilege denied to many"

Though I agree with PP, life is what you make of it. Any clubs you can join locally as a start? Or a goal you could strive for, eg. run a 10k race?

I’m 30 years older than you. Trust me, your best years are in the future.

I think it’s since becoming a mother I’ve given up everything - absolutely everything.
I feel completely invisible. I’m just mum.

I'm about to turn 40 this month and I don't feel old and I don't think 40 is old tbh, you aren't old. You've years ahead of you. My in-laws 80yrs plus head to the Canary Islands next week. They have 40+ years on you and my dad in law rides a motorbike.

I'm a big believer of life is what we make of it, some are happy with a very calm simple existence, others want to enjoy and experience as much as possible ( I'm in that side)

I'm sorry you feel like this and I'm sure others will come along with great advice/experiences as a mum which I'm not, but I'm sure there's lots you can do to live a little. Not everything costs lots of money

What did you hope to gain by posting about it? You have suggestions and advice yet you're not listening and seem insistent to stay in your own little Poor Me mindset.

I don’t know - just how other people have felt around this age I guess. Things people have done. I do need another interest that isn’t the kids.

I'm 46 with a young child, and enjoying life, and certainly not feeling superannuated.

Nothing will change in your life until you change it, OP -- why are the children your issue 24/7 as you mention being married? Do the special needs of one of your children preclude you working?

Well, at 36 I was happily childfree, and bouncing around India and the ME with DH after I took some unpaid leave from my job and followed him overseas for a bit, so I'm no use to you specifically. All I will say is that you are still very young, and life is there is to seized with both hands, even if you start small. What would your idea life be like?

If you had your dc young, you'll still be young when they're grown up. Time at the end instead of at the beginning.
AND what's this "young" business? I'm 67 and I don't feel old (whatever that is). Your health is the important thing, physical and mental.

Raising kids takes about 20 yrs, whenever you start it.

@Grimgle why be so horrible? Have you just had a bad day, or are you usually so nasty?

OP, i feel the same. I know in 30 years I'll be looking back at this me and laughing at how I feel "old", but you know what, i feel what I feel and I know I need to work on that but...it's not easy. Going from being young and vibrant and "valid", to only really being "valid" to my children (as a woman) isn't exactly easy. I have hobbies I love. I am comfortable with "me". But I have no validity according to men (I'm not slim and 20 something anymore), I have no validity to a lot of women (don't have a cool well paid job), and I have grey hair and wrinkles. I've been called ugly, I've been laughed at (by men), and yeah, it hurts. It's hard to "work on" my mental when I know other people now see me a certain way.

I also have no childcare available, so my children are literally my world (husband works away a lot), but...I Don't know. I try and keep myself as busy as I can with simple things. But, I do miss being young. Sorry, I know I've rambled. It's something that's really been hard for me to come to terms with lately.

Hiding I think what you're experiencing is a loss of identity that lots of women feel after having kids. It's so easy to get ground down by the continous housework and the huge responsibility of having little people totally dependent on you. This loss of identity is probably triggering the nostalgic feelings. I agree with pp about making a plan. Start small and aim to habe an hour or 2 out of the house to yourself every week. Explore local courses or new hobbies (or rekindle old ones). If money is too tight for a babysitter, can you look into part time work that will give you a break from the house, plus the funds to hire someone and go out with your dh?