I feel so old, Aibu to miss being young so very much?

[Hidinginplainsight85]

I’m nearly 36 and have been married for 14 years - 2 dc.
I got married way way way too young and missed all the carefree going out stuff and had first dc at 25.
I think it’s just suddenly hit me that I’m nearly 40 and the best years are gone. Everything is responsibility and very little fun. Well no fun to be honest. I know when I was younger I really wanted children, like it was a huge desire to have them, but now I really wish I’d waited at least another five years to get married and probably another few years to have dc. I would have loved to travel but didn’t, I was always too scared to strike out on my own. Now I wouldn’t be but instead I’m trapped by responsibilities. I know this is just what happens of course.
I’m so bored, I feel like it’s too late for me though. My children have aged me about twenty years due to not getting any sleep and my eldest has additional needs and it grinds me down. Where have the happy carefree days gone, maybe they were never like that really and I’ve just blocked out the bad parts.

Aibu to feel so nostalgic for being young? The clothes and music and films and everything are now all aimed at people a decade younger than me and it’s depressing.

I feel exactly the same as you EXCEPT I wish I had started having a family 5 years younger as instead I'm going through secondary infertility and recurrent miscarriage which just makes me feel even older and even more tired of life x

*can't

Dh does none of the childcare and he won’t put dd to bed so I can only go out after 8pm ish after she’s asleep.

You have a DH problem. I bet he doesn't stay in all the time and complains he has no life? Make him start doing his fair share.

Goodness - you are only 36! you are a babe still :)

Why are you with your DH?
Maybe you feel old because you have such a shitty husband

I Know how you feel op, absolutely, I bet by 8pm you are too exhausted and fed up to go out, right? But, go anyway. Find someone to go out with, even if it's just for a walk. I have been a sahp for years, I got fat, fed up, exhausted, never went out, no point getting my hair done or buying nice clothes, I wouldn't be going out anyway, so i couldn't justify the cost. I resented my dh because he went out the door every day, if he needed something new, he bought it, no guilt about not spending the money on the DC rather than himself. Why doesn't he notice, I wondered, that I am losing myself, that I am bottom of everyone's priority? I copped on, no one will prioritize you until you prioritize yourself. Your ds has complex needs, they are not going to go away, but he can and will understand that you are a person, not just his mum. At 8pm you walk out that door and grab whatever you can of life, it's not going to come looking for you. You are young and you have lots of time, but don't wait, start your new life today.

It drives me mad on these threads with women saying how run down and miserable they are and just throw in the add on of a husband who does fuck all ‘childcare’ (you mean parenting).

Bin him, get him to pay child
Maintenance and get yourself a job

I'm 25 with a 3yo and feel the same OP, I'm a single parent now and I have no time, energy, childcare or money to do anything for myself and had to move 100s of miles away from my friends when I split with my ex, they've all since stopped bothering to text or call. I wish I could turn back time and shake my younger self and warn her what is to come. It's all well and good saying you can do stuff when DC are grown up, but I already have arthritis so I doubt I'll be up for travelling the world in my 40s. I wouldn't want this life for my DD when she is in her twenties.

But ... what is the point of a husband who does not share in the care of his own children? (Assuming not mentally or physically completely incapable.)

Genuinely flummoxed.

The point of a husband is to be a husband. Childcare wasn’t mentioned in my marriage vows, neither was housework, come to that.

36???? Lol!

I'm 19 years older than you and don't feel old. Since the kids got beyond toddler age I've done tons of travel, hobbies and nights out and weekends away with friends. But then I did ditch the useless DH!

I understand how you feel OP. I've just turned 39. I didn't have children until my 30s so had my 20's being young and carefree. But I still don't think I really appreciated it at the time.

I feel like my 30s has been hard and I've had a complete identity crisis. It's not just been having kids, there's been things with work and being made redundant and the changes in my relationship with DH as well.

As 40 is looming, I feel like I'm making more time for myself and putting my own needs first. I changed jobs last year which helped greatly and its kind of snowballed from there. But I do still miss my carefree days.

Op I'm the same age except I had kids later but I feel the same lately. For me its an identity crisis (just being a mum and underappreciated slave to household or work) and exhaustion from having zero childcare and zero time for fun. For people who say holidays with mates... I use up annual leave to look after the kids. So i try to remember how incredibly grateful I am for those child centred family time, the kids cuteness, the love and good things.. it must be even harder for you if your child has additional needs, and there's nothing wrong feeling a bit sad about lost youth

But don't fret your past years as you cant change it. You can look forward to a different chapter and more time as your children enter teenage years

As for me, I'm counting down the days to retirement

*See, I just don't understand this. If you're a slave, it's because you CREATED your own slave master (your child) or voluntarily legally tied yourself to one (husband)!

Why?!*

Just possibly because her husband didn't advertise before the fact that he would be a useless lump who did not contribute to the shared task of bringing up a family.

Speaking as someone who is not married to a useless lump, I can assure you it's a totally different situation. I too have brought up a child with SN but I have never been in a situation where I couldn't go away for a few days (finances allowing) and leave my children in the competent hands of their father. Nor have I ever experienced a situation where my future and my contentment was not considered of equal importance to that of the rest of the family.

As I said- doubt that the OP's dh advertised his uselessness before they got married. Would be a lot easier if blokes came neatly labelled.

I remember feeling old when I was 36. By that age, I had been married for 16 years and my DCs were 14 and 10.

Now, my youngest child is approaching her own 36th birthday and I realise how young I actually was 25 years ago!

I think this may be because you still have a little one. Never fear you won't have a toddler for ever... look forward to your 40s! Your youngest will be 6 so much more independent!

I am so looking forward to my 40s, dc will be growing up and I can work more and have more money to do more exciting things. Travel more, more time for friends. Ignore current culture and enjoy rewatching movies and shows (and listening to music) from your youth (thank you to the Internet!)

I get this OP. I often feel the same. Ground down with it all and sad that my twenties are gone forever. I sometimes ache for the carefree days of no responsibilities. In my case though I DID do those things you didn’t, I travelled tons, lived it up, didn’t have DC1 until I was 30 - so you may regret not doing those things but if it’s any consolation I did them and I’m still in the same boat as you so I suppose it’s about outlook.

I think I really struggle with being tied down and love to live a sporadic, carefree, selfish existence sadly I didn’t fully realise this until after I had children. I feel my life now is about servitude to others needs which gets on top off me, so no matter what clubs I join or hobbies I take up life will never be how I want it until my children have flown the nest...sigh... just another 16 or so years to go 😄🙈

I just want to go out and laugh until I can’t breathe.

This is exactly what I miss most! I used to laugh constantly when I was young and It just doesn’t seem to happen anymore. Even on the rare occasion when I meet with friends it’s all gotten so serious because they too are ground down with family life etc. I need to find some happy, funny people to befriend!

My sister married young and had three dc in her early twenties, she is a lot older than me and almost old enough to be my Mum so my niece is only four years younger than me.

She was married till widowed for just over 40 years to a man who was not the absolute worst of men. Not a brute and he always worked but he never helped with housework nor did childcare. She never did anything for herself and ended up looking after lots of her GC as well, now she is in her early sixties and actually living.

Her tale is an exceptionally sad one of a woman who was a drudge for most of her life. She knows this now and is regretful but fitting in as much as she can.

My timeline is the same as yours pretty much, but three children. I had exactly the same feelings at 36. It’s the female midlife crisis time, the late thirties. I remember my aunt going wild at this age, losing crazy amount of weight etc etc Some people have affairs at this time, too.

I felt like I woke up with a jolt after the fog of the early child rearing years (youngest was three) and saw in the mirror an unrecognisable, fat, middle-aged frump who was def past it. How did it happen in 5 years going from young, beautiful, sexy and smart girl to a fifty-year old look alike? It was a shock. I wanted to run away, break free, get my life and my old self back. And do other crazy stuff.

I blew over in about 12-18 months. So glad I sat on my hands and didn’t do anything I would have come to regret. Suddenly, life doesn’t seem so bad any more. The positive outcome is that it gave me a good kick up the arse to get up and do something about my neglected, out of shape body and made me more assertive as to see to my needs being met, too. I don’t feel guilty leaving my children for a few hours to go to the gym now, don’t feel guilty reading a book instead of doing housework. Or doing nothing and having a break. That’s fine, too. Feel so much better for it.

Pleased to report I no longer look and feel fifty, people have told me I dropped 10 years after I lost 2 stone of weight and rediscovered my confidence. I look and feel attractive again, content with my life. I am glad I didn’t divorce, I am glad I didn’t have an affair, I am glad I didn’t do anything stupid while in the grip of my mid-life crisis, although if was so hard to be sensible at times. It will pass, too. Use it to your advantage and don’t do anything you will regret later 🌹

You have a dh problem. I had a dh problem too and felt ancient at 38. Now at 45 feel much younger. I was invisible too. At first I thought it was a kids problem. Na! It is a DH problem. If you tackle it from this point you may find a way to resolve it.

Ps: I feel for you. I have been there. I even had a fun 20th and I couldn’t believe where I ended up. You can do it. Start small. Add small changes to your life that give you pleasure. They’ll call for more. Demand your space.