I feel so old, Aibu to miss being young so very much?

[Hidinginplainsight85]

I’m nearly 36 and have been married for 14 years - 2 dc.
I got married way way way too young and missed all the carefree going out stuff and had first dc at 25.
I think it’s just suddenly hit me that I’m nearly 40 and the best years are gone. Everything is responsibility and very little fun. Well no fun to be honest. I know when I was younger I really wanted children, like it was a huge desire to have them, but now I really wish I’d waited at least another five years to get married and probably another few years to have dc. I would have loved to travel but didn’t, I was always too scared to strike out on my own. Now I wouldn’t be but instead I’m trapped by responsibilities. I know this is just what happens of course.
I’m so bored, I feel like it’s too late for me though. My children have aged me about twenty years due to not getting any sleep and my eldest has additional needs and it grinds me down. Where have the happy carefree days gone, maybe they were never like that really and I’ve just blocked out the bad parts.

Aibu to feel so nostalgic for being young? The clothes and music and films and everything are now all aimed at people a decade younger than me and it’s depressing.

I'm 46, and my eldest of 3 is 15, same as yours. I'm finding as the children have gotten older we can have a lot more fun together, and DH and I also have more time to ourselves, it's great!

We holiday at least twice a year, earlier this year I went myself with the kids and my dad. DD1 loves to help out at home, comes shopping with me, chats to me. DD2 does Combat classes with me, watches movies with me, likes similar music. DS and I go to all his rugby fixtures together, watch certain TV shows together- nothing amazing, I know, but I really enjoy them all.

Then when they all bugger off to their rooms, DH and I catch up over a bottle or two of wine, and talk about all the amazing things we will do when they are all flown the nest and we are retired

I also occasionally (about 4 times a year) go out with groups of friends. I work full-time, which brings a few social events my way too. I feel like this is a good time in my life, honestly! I've also recently finally managed to lose weight, and am going to train for the next half marathon. If you don't like what you are doing, do something else!

I've been a mother since 23, I'm in my 30s now, I have never felt invisible. I haven't allowed myself to be. The fact you have children doesn't mean you are now "mum". Don't fall for the trap of revolving everything around your children right through to your own existence. It's not only bad for your mental health but it isn't good for your children to see either, for so many reasons. So what raising children takes 20 years, it doesn't mean you don't exist or put the rest of your life on hold for that time, as previously stated they are ONE PART of your life, not your entire being and purpose of being on the planet.

How is your relationship? Does your husband feel this way?

I decided to have children in my thirties so I could travel, career, have fun etc first.

However my DM had me and DB fairly young (21 & 23) as my DF is nine years older than her, she is now in her fifties and honestly has a brilliant life. She had a good group of female friends she sees at least once a week, she's forever off on a spa day or to the theatre, out for lunch etc. Her and DF go on city breaks all the time and also longer holidays, she also gets away on what she calls 'girls trips' at least three times a year and she still works!

Some of these friends she made when I was young and we didn't have spare money like she does now, I remember she played netball one evening a week, either DF was with us at home or if he was working late and the weather was ok we had to go and watch, it was fine and just because you have DCs doesn't mean everything revolves around them. The netball meant she made a group of friends and kept fit, then there were birthdays, summer BBQs, team events like quiz nights etc most of which were family friendly as almost all of the players had children, and inexpensive. The women she goes away with now are friends from those days.

I'm not saying play netball, I'm saying find just one hobby for you and it doesn't matter which way round you do it, children don't have to mean the end of you as an individual.

You're still young, OP. Trust me - you really, really are. I would KILL to be 36 again.

I think you feel old because you're absolutely exhausted. You need to find a way to get enough sleep and rest. And you need to carve out some time just for you, and start doing something you enjoy.

I think it’s since becoming a mother I’ve given up everything - absolutely everything.
I feel completely invisible. I’m just mum.

No you really aren’t ‘just mum’. Time to take control. You’re 36 you could be doing so much, even if it is around your children. Are they at school? If so do something while they’re there. Join the gym, take up a sport, volunteer, take a course, learn a new skill, find something to do that you enjoy. Meet people, catch up with old friends, find some new ones. I am 42. I’m so busy, I’m doing a part time PhD, I work, I participate in a couple of sports. I’m also a mum (of 1), but I’m not ‘just mum’. You just need a new direction OP. Good luck.

I'm 47 and I feel just a mum too.

Your feelings are valid. Just because others are older but feel young etc doesn't mean you are wrong or bad for feeling as you do.

Im 36 this year, happily married with two children and I miss being young so much.

I would love to go back to my late teens/early 20’s when life was so fun and carefree. I loved the spontaneity of life and the fact that I had nobody to answer to myself.

Life was so much fun when I was younger and I find it very hard to accept the fact that I’m only ever going to get older and older.

Your feelings are valid. Just because others are older but feel young etc doesn't mean you are wrong or bad for feeling as you do.

I don't think anyone's suggesting the OP's feelings aren't 'valid', only that ultimately it's up to her to either accept the unhelpful message that she's old and done for at 36, and that life cannot possibly yield any fun ever again, or to resist that narrative and find a way of making her life meaningful to her again.

Having children and the responsibility they bring is a life phase that I think gets massively conflated with 'middle age'.

For the majority of those who have children, the most limited phase of their life will be the 0-14 years - the least money, greatest dependency, greatest exhaustion.

But as PP said, it's the same whenever you have it. DH and I just got married and decided that we want another good couple of years enjoying ourselves, but we'll still have to do our 'shift' when we decide to start. But you're nearly at the other side, with a lot of youth on your side!

I’m 38, had first dc at 19 and second at 25. Went to university when dc1 was a few months old. Now they are 14 & 19, and boy am I getting my life back now they are independent!

I’m travelling, visited 5 counties in less than 2 years, go out every other week, regular meals out at very nice restaurants. I have a huge bucket list that I’m starting to tick off- okay only 4 countries, 1 restaurant so far, but it’s a start!!

This isn’t the end, it’s the beginning!!

OP I am with you on this. I am 36, have been with OH for 12 years, we have 1 daughter. My job is senior level at work but I am the sole worker and we have little spare money due to paying off debts from our 20s (spent on nothing in particular, what a waste) and the single, albeit decent, wage. My job is hard. I am tired and I feel old, and am having a mini midlife crisis to some extent.

I am taking note of everyone's responses and advice, but just wanted to give a virtual fist bump of solidarity!

Unfortunately you've made your bed OP and will just have to make the best of your situation until the DC are grown up

I think it's perfectly valid to mourn a lost youth. It's not comparable at all having more freedom when you're older and kids have grown. Those really fun rites of passage things you do in your 20s with your mates and boyfriends are just not the same in your 40s and 50s. Is there anything you are interested in doing that you could fit around school or club times where you could meet people, hobbies or clubs, just something that is time for you only.

I just want to go out and laugh until I can’t breathe. Relax and not worry about two other people (my youngest is only 2, so I lost my youth and I’ve STILL got another 16 years until she’s an adult. It wasn’t a planned gap). Ds drives me crazy, I don’t like him a lot of the time and I find it really hard work having to constantly be ‘on’ because he won’t do down time.
Would I be mourning less if I’d had more of a ‘youth’ I don’t know. I would make different choices definitely. I think because everything is laced with regret it’s harder.
I have a job lined up for when dd starts preschool so maybe that will help. I suspect I might just be more tired...

I just want to go out and laugh until I can’t breathe

You sound like my kind of partner in crime do you have friends locally who you could have round for some drinks even if going out isn’t an option?

It's nothing to do with your age but how you're living life.

I know plenty of people in their mid 30s with children. They are amazing parents. A lot of these people got married in their early to mid 20s. But they still make time to go out and have fun, have grown up weekends away if DCs are ok being left with GPs. I know two 40 year olds that just went clubbing in Ibiza.

Find a hobby outside your children to give you some you time and a chance to socialise.

It's really hard with no childcare. It's not your age you are feeling, it's your responsibilities.
You need a change (as good as a rest) and a plan. Try and take some baby steps towards doing something just for you.
What kind of additional needs does ds have?

Where is your husband in all this? What share of the childcare does he do to ensure you get a break and some downtime?

At 36 I had 2 primary aged children and had moved into rented accommodation with them following a really stressful divorce. 4 years later, Im 40, the kids are older & Im having a great time! City breaks with friends, dinners out. The 3 of us go out to eat and movies together. It will get better, the monotony of young kids can get you down but you must try to take some time for yourself.

Start off small? Do something you enjoy from your house if you can't get childcare.
I'd make it a long term goal to pursue a hobby for myself. Cut costs and share babysitting or something idk. Life is too short!

Dh does none of the childcare and he won’t put dd to bed so I can only go out after 8pm ish after she’s asleep.

Dh does none of the childcare and he won’t put dd to bed so I can only go out after 8pm ish after she’s asleep

There's your problem then. If you're not ever getting a break no wonder you're feeling the way you do.

Your forties will be great, the children will be almost independent, you should have more money. You will be in your prime sexually. You need to have more fun now as well. Nights out with the girls, go out with OH. Invite friends around bring a dish each. Organise a round robin evening.

You can have a midlife crisis between 35 and 55 apparently. I'm 36 and I feel like you. I want a to move abroad but dh doesn't want to. I want to make a change that everyone is talking about but I can because my life is entwined with others'.