I feel so old, Aibu to miss being young so very much?

[Hidinginplainsight85]

I’m nearly 36 and have been married for 14 years - 2 dc.
I got married way way way too young and missed all the carefree going out stuff and had first dc at 25.
I think it’s just suddenly hit me that I’m nearly 40 and the best years are gone. Everything is responsibility and very little fun. Well no fun to be honest. I know when I was younger I really wanted children, like it was a huge desire to have them, but now I really wish I’d waited at least another five years to get married and probably another few years to have dc. I would have loved to travel but didn’t, I was always too scared to strike out on my own. Now I wouldn’t be but instead I’m trapped by responsibilities. I know this is just what happens of course.
I’m so bored, I feel like it’s too late for me though. My children have aged me about twenty years due to not getting any sleep and my eldest has additional needs and it grinds me down. Where have the happy carefree days gone, maybe they were never like that really and I’ve just blocked out the bad parts.

Aibu to feel so nostalgic for being young? The clothes and music and films and everything are now all aimed at people a decade younger than me and it’s depressing.

I haven't read all the replied, OP, only yours. I'm 34 and feel exactly the same. I have 2 dc (5 &2), I haven't had much of a life outside of the house since being a sahm 5.5 years ago. It's suffocating. A new friend and I have recently set up a WhatsApp group with other school mum's to organise a night out. Is that something you could do? Lots of the mum's are having to get babysitters in order to go (not grandparents). Maybe look at childcare.com or something? I NEED a social life back; also, I can't wait to get back to work. Both will come and both will help! 🌼

*replies

Great post ParadiseInDisguise

Fuck me, im nearly 50 and enjoying life. Mind you my 2 are 21 and 19 yrs old. My 19 yr old nicks my clothes and make up and i listen to the same music as her lol.

an unrecognisable, fat, middle-aged frump who was def past it. How did it happen in 5 years going from young, beautiful, sexy and smart girl to a fifty-year old look alike?

What does this mean, please?

Is this honestly how people / women in their late 30s see women in their fifties? I actually can’t remember what I thought all those years ago - but this unthinkingly poisonous ageism is utterly shocking.

You need to change something now. I had kids the same age as you and I'm older than you now and if you don't do something, when they leave, you will have a horrendous hole in your life if all you've done is been a slave to them the entire time. You need your own friends and your own interests or you will get the most horrific empty nest syndrome so start trying to change things now even if it means going out once a week once all the dcs are in bed!

Ah OP, I think you’ve had a hard time on this thread. I hear you. I’ve just turned 37, my dc are numerous and young. We have little childcare as my MIL lives abroad and my DM is a carer for my DF, so we can’t just offload kids to pop off on a merry jaunt or weekend away. I do work and have a hobby which I enjoy when I get the chance, but can only manage it sporadically as parenting responsibilities have to come first, and my social life has dwindled horribly. I keep having crises about mortality and noticing how tired I look, how my skin is aging, how none of the fashion or music is intended for me any more.

I don’t hate life but I do feel like my youth is gone and I’ve somehow ended up without a group of close friends to share my current life with, and no idea how to make new ones. Can’t just organise an evening with friends as who would I go with? It doesn’t help that my husband has no interest in socialising - I moved to live with him when we met so our social group was all his friends and their partners, and as we’ve got older he’s lost all interest in them and the friendships have all but disappeared. My own friends from uni days are scattered and far away and all have young families of their own, and I’ve just never managed to make any new ones despite going to various groups relating to my hobby and seeing millions of mums at the school gate. Just never clicked with anyone, I’m quite shy and always feel the outsider.

So I hear you. I’m not complaining per se but I understand that it’s easy to feel out of the loop, invisible to all but DH and DC. I think it will get better when the DC are old enough to be less all-consuming but it is currently difficult to accept a ‘middle aged parent’ identity. It doesn’t fit with the image of myself I’ve always carried in my head. Perhaps some of this is sheer vanity - when I look in the mirror someone undeniably older and more haggard than I feel is looking back.

I felt a bit like this when my ex left and I was alone with four children.

Nine years on I’m in my early 40’s and two children are adults, I started working full time and have a colleague who became a friend I can go out with once a week to eat,chat, go cinema with etc and having adult children means I have babysitters for the younger ones.

And I took myself on holiday abroad for three weeks with the children to see friends last year.

I feel younger and that life is becoming more about me again so I think feeling tied is just a phase of life with children. I also had mine young (22).

*without the children!

I know what you’re saying op! I’m 36. Married at 22, had first child at 24....... I love every single minute of it, do not envy my friends that are just starting out in the slightest. I know that I’ll travel when the kids are older, it was the right way round for me.

When my two were small I felt an urge to be a sahp. My mum used to say she didn’t think it was for me and that I’d get bored which was true but I had to be the one picking them up, I had to be available for assemblies etc. So it was really conflicting. I ended up retraining to be a counsellor and then I started working on a placement. These things gave me a bit of both worlds. Some identity back but able to be there for the children. I’ve been fully qualified for a while now and started working from home.

It feels to me like you’ve lost yourself and hopefully starting your new job will help. I don’t understand what you mean by your husband won’t do childcare, you also mentioned no family or friends. Where is your support coming from? X

OP, aside from the obvious (not contributing to childcare), do you have a good relationship with your DP? Have you told him how you feel? If he’s a decent person in other ways would he not help you and enable you to go out if he knew you were so down?

In my 30s I felt a bit like you , I was divorced , 2 DC, not much money or social life but it gets better as DC become more independent. Fast forward ; I am nearly 65, retired and I may not have the energy of a 35 year old but feel good . I go to the gym, swim, walk , book club . Yesterday I had a 4 hour boozy lunch with friends where we laughed till we cried . This afternoon I am packing to go on a city break to Barcelona! Life is good !
Strikes me your main problem is your DH .

I hear you too! I think nothing really prepares you for motherhood however old you have them. I am 39 and am definitely in the throes of a mini mid life crisis/identity crisis. I physically ache thinking about life pre kids but of course you don't think about that at the time. I expect I'll look back on the early childcaring years with rose tinted glasses too though!

I totally agree with others that you must go on a bit of a soul searching mission, maybe even go speak to a counsellor. Learn how to combat negative thoughts and think about the past more helpfully than you are. The facts are you cannot get your past back. You only have now and to plan for the future.

I had my first DC at the age you are now, OP. I wish I'd had them younger because when I'm 50 and menopausal, they'll be hitting the teenage years... You, on the other hand, will have adult children settled at college/uni/job and possibly hopefully left home, leaving you and your OH to enjoy your still relative youth in your early 40s. You're in the eye of the storm of parenthood right now, which may be why you're feeling like this, but don't despair, you've still got years on your side.

I’m mid-late forties, DCs are teenagers and just wanted to say there’s a light at the end of the tunnel! I felt a bit like I’d lost myself with young DCs but the good news is - I still feel quite young and increasingly have more (ish) free time for stuff I want to do.
It isn’t really childcare when they’re your DCs - it’s parenting. Tell you DH to step up, and good luck with your job.

Im same age as you but with 2 pre schooler/toddlers. I feel fat and grumpy and like I have aged lots on the last 5 years! 2 is still very young and dependent. I feel im only just breaking free of the baby years and getting some independence back. It's a temporary frumpiness and I truly believe my best years are yet to come for work, life and Health.

You need support from DH and family to give you the time and headspace to get yourself out of feeling trapped. Although my DH does support me he doesn't offer to look after our children or encourage me to get out/go away. Im very much the default parent. Luckily work and events over the last few months have meant he has had to have the kids more e.g. overnights.

Make time for yourself! You want to travel so do it with your children, they will love it too. You need to put your foot down with your husband. I'm 27 and I'm married with 3 children. My husband and I share everything 50/50 childcare cleaning organising life clubs ect. I wanted to work so we work it out. It didn't start like that I had to be very clear with him and we had a few strops each but 7 years down the line we have got it perfectly.

Work out what you want and how to get it. I do understand the feeling of losing your "best years' but honestly life is what you make of it. I love my children and I love travelling so I take great joy in travelling and showing the world with my girls , I feel really lucky that I can share all of my life adventures with them. I don't have loads of friends but that's just my personal thing (introvert) but one of my friends has countless friends and is always meeting up with all sorts of people and she is a sahm as she loves socializing. X

I found reading on the 'U-bend of happiness' theory (that people on average seem to tend to be happier when younger, that happiness goes down in middle age to go back up again) helpful, at least in seeing that many other people struggle emotionally at this age and also that there are small things that can be done to improve things. Many have given great tips on this thread - certainly getting the support to go have some fun is important.

I had my oldest at 19 and there are times I think waiting would have been better for several reasons, but there also so many things that wouldn't have happened that way - it's hard enough having lost their grandparents when they did, but at least they have some memories of them. It's all considering the risks and benefits and making the most of what we have. Since my youngest has been about 5, I've been going out regularly with the full support of my spouse and it's been great. I feel much better now than I ever did in my twenties!

36 is not old!!! I’m
Over 10 yrs older than you with teenagers and do hark back to my 20s, but it is a bit rose-tinted.
For me it’s the looming menopause and looking older facially (my body is still ok but I have more ailments etc). My DCs do their own thing, and it means I am more free, but that also means carving out more of a life for me now as for 15 years I was on mum duty! This will happen earlier for you if you had your kids in mid-20s. Can you do anything for yourself - a class, running, singing group, see friends (I certainly do as life would be dull AF otherwise).

I wouldn’t be young again if they bumped my pocket money up to 3s 6d!

Would I be mourning less if I’d had more of a ‘youth’ I don’t know

You may have been mourning it more!
I am 35 this year and have an 18month old. DH and I have been together for 13 years. We have done loads of cool stuff - went travelling for 6 months, had money to burn, loads of really good holidays and nights out together etc etc
I feel like a shadow of my former self at the moment. I’m exhausted. I don’t care about looking after myself and as much as I love my son, I am looking forward to a time when parenting isn’t so intense. I barely have time for hobbies (and I have a lot of them!)
But I wouldn’t go back to before him either. DH and I have plans and ambitions for the future and I’m looking forward to when those happen.