To think more emphasis needs to be placed on what is appropriate to say to childless people

[ChocoCrocc]

The following are pretty much weekly occurrences for me:

'When will you be having kids then?'
'Do you not want kids?'
'When you have kids...'
'Ugh, you're so lucky, they're such hard work'

My boss will quite often ask me if I'm pregnant if I go in and ask to speak to her about something or if I say I'm feeling unwell in a sort of jokey way.

In actual fact I'm suffering terribly with recurrent miscarriages and may never have a living child.

AIBU to think that the above sort of questioning of people who are practically strangers needs to stop and people need to be pulled up more when they do it?

I appreciate that people in my situation have a heightened sensitivity to this sort of thing but I feel like I shouldn't need to explain my situation to everyone who asks me these things (which I don't do anyway as it just seems awkward and private).

Miscarriage and other fertility issues are not uncommon!

"when are you going to join us in the mummy crew"

Ye gods, I'd be tempted to say 'Never, it seems to turn women into such vomit-inducing drips'.

But I never say these things because IRONICALLY I HAVE TACT.

Oh and my go to phrase (for when I can managed a measured response) is:

"Hahaha, I didn't really think anyone asked questions like that these days?"

If said casually, it gives them zero room for offence, but at the same time implies that they're terribly outdated or unaware of etiquette - which of course they are.

*"when are you going to join us in the mummy crew"

Ye gods, I'd be tempted to say 'Never, it seems to turn women into such vomit-inducing drips'.*

That's beautiful :D I'd probably say something like "Probably at about the same time you join the ranks of people who don't ask insensitive questions."

I get you OP. It's shit, some people are so tactless!

People asked DH and I from pretty much the moment we got married when we'd be having DC. It turned out we are infertile and needed multiple rounds of IVF to conceive. Every time people asked after the first 2 rounds I decided to make them uncomfortable by massively over-sharing - "well, I don't know whether we'll have kids because we've been through 2 rounds of IVF so far with onc miscarriage, so, y'know, maybe it'll never happen". The look of horror and embarrassment was a sight to behold.

We now have DS, and are just embarking on our 6th round (we'd like another) - again, as soon as DS turned 1 people have asked when we'll be having a sibling, and I've been very matter of fact in saying that I've had 2 rounds since he was born with no luck, so perhaps we'll never have one. They usually shut up after that, although with one particularly thick-skinned person I had to start asking her uncomfortable questions about her own life to shut her up.

I have to admit...I used to refer to them in my head as the "cunty crew". Not my finest moment

In my defence they said it often and it was difficult to hear.

YANBU.

My boss will quite often ask me if I'm pregnant if I go in and ask to speak to her about something or if I say I'm feeling unwell in a sort of jokey way.

It's hard because as inappropriate as I find her comments, I do like her as a person and a boss so it's deciding whether or not to rock the boat. I actually think she'd be incredibly supportive if she knew what was going on but I'm not ready to share.

You don't have to share, but you can say something like "Hi boss, that comment - actually quite upsetting. Please stop asking me about PG, it is inappropriate in the context of an employer/employee relationship. If I ever need to disclose a pregnancy to you, I will do so. Thanks"

I feel you OP, I've had years of fertility treatment, 4 MC's and an ectopic and people ask me these questions ALL THE TIME!
I hate it, and there's no good answer, if your honest about struggling you get the pity and stories of their friend of a friend who got their miracle baby
If you say you dont want kids they look at you as if your a cold hearted career woman and tell you about what a joy they are
If you say maybe one day/not sure yet you get the lecture about leaving it too long, you really can't win

Its amazing what stranger sthink is their business, if you dont conform to what folk think is "normal" God help you, I had my DKs spread out for various reasons, after having one, people demanded to know when I was having another. When I went out with them to playgrounds etc, I had complete strangers coming up, asking if they were all mine, and that they were in completely different generations, and they wouldnt be able to play together, (they were 6 years apart) Got flack for having a third, then re-married had a 4th more. If you could bring yourself to, perhaps you could say, you would love to have children and are unable, make them feel guilty.

I agree with you OP. It’s just odd that there are well-known social stigmas around asking about/commenting on (for example) what people earn, their sexual preferences, their political views, their religious practices, etc. Yet what women plan to do with their uteruses is perfectly legitimate small talk for some reason. Even though it’s far from unlikely that the topic could be extremely painful for one party!

I agree that some people can be crass & thoughtless, but it’s important to remember that not everyone who doesn’t have children is struggling with infertility.

Plenty of people are very happily child free by choice, and perfectly willing to talk about this.

I agree that some people can be crass & thoughtless, but it’s important to remember that not everyone who doesn’t have children is struggling with infertility

True but unless they've specifically told you that and brought up the conversation themselves then there is no way of knowing. So I still think the go to rule should be to not ask.

Some people might be fine talking about their sex life. I still wouldn't randomly ask about it though unless they willingly brought up the conversation.

Plenty of people are very happily child free by choice, and perfectly willing to talk about this

That does not make it an appropriate question to ask someone you know nothing about though...

Me and DH are childfree by choice but I am still not happy or willing to talk about this with people because it's none of their business.

Over the years I have been told I am not a real woman, not normal, will be very lonely when old! i have also been asked why I bothered getting married if I didn't want children.

The rudest people have been people I didn't know very well - often colleagues but even strangers who struck up conversations on the bus/train etc.

Even now when I am in my 60's I am far too often asked if I have grandchildren or even how many grandchildren I have as though there would be no doubt that I had children myself.

Just last weekend I was in a new hairdressers and there were another another 10 or so women there including the hairdressers. I got asked "have you got grandchildren" and when I replied "no I don't have children" one of the women (probably in her 40's) said "oh how sad". I didn't even bother replying but I was fuming.

Jsmith99 "Plenty of people are very happily child free by choice, and perfectly willing to talk about this."

but no one should be asking. That's it.

I can see why it’s annoying but I also think we should all give each other some slack. People say stuff that might offend but rarely are they trying to be offensive. Your story will affect what people can say to you I.e. children being a sore topic or marriage or sex or whatever it is and we can force editing on people. Obviously people who know you well or you’ve told you’d expect to be tactful but other people are probably just curious.

I agree, I never ask people about this. You should tell your boss she is making you uncomfortable and to stop asking (you don't have to say anything else).

A remember a colleague wittering on about how stressful she was finding her children. She turned to me and said 'You're SO sensible deciding not to have any children. Lucky you!'. That was the day that I discovered our attempt at IVF had failed again. People are shockingly presumptuous and insensitive. YANBU.

We haven’t been snot to conceive a
But it didn’t stop one dipshit I worked with constantly saying once I turned 30 ‘oh you better get a move on!’ SHUT THE FUCK UP! I’ve also had a colleague say ‘I have 2 kids but fluffy hates children’ whilst at a client meeting and I almost burst out crying as i’d give my right arm to be a mother. When people ask I just say ‘we tried and it didn’t happen, it’s not as simple as it seems sometimes’

People say stuff that might offend but rarely are they trying to be offensive

You're right, I doubt people say it to be offensive. In fact I'm sure that they don't.

But the point is, it should be common knowledge that this is not a topic of conversation you should be using willy-nilly.

It needs talking about more often so that people understand it's not appropriate and therefore avoid accidentally offending someone.

I don't know about people trying not to offend

I think they are hugely insensitive and nosy and just don't care, they think their right to be nosy is more important than anything else. So "offend" might not be the right word, but they are still utter wankers.

Putting this in the same category as normal small talk i.e the weather, what you had for tea last night etc... is so wrong but yet so widely accepted.

'Just last weekend I was in a new hairdressers '

The hairdressers is a bloody MINEFIELD for non stop child talk I find!

I have to say I feel very lucky- I've been in a new job for the past few months and no one has asked me if I have children. It's pretty obvious that I don't- parents tend to mention their children within a few minutes IME! I still appreciate their tact, or maybe it's just never crossed their minds and they couldn't give a fig either way

People say stuff that might offend but rarely are they trying to be offensive.

NOPE! No fucking nope fucking no. YOU do not get to decide if something you said to someone else was offensive. Sure, your intent may not have been to offend, but if you then DO offend (and this question IS a sensitive one) then the ONLY reasonable response is to immediately apologise and resolve not to make the same misstep twice.

It really is that simple.

I can see why it’s annoying

Oh and it isn't just annoying. It's deeply upsetting and painful.