To want a proper apology?

[magpiecounter]

A few weeks ago I was sent a message by my SIL that I Hope was a mistake because it was slating both myself and my husband. She was saying how she can't bear me and thinks I purposely make our child not eat his meals by giving him sweets (I don't let him have many sweets unless he's earned them and wouldn't just before a meal). She also said she doesn't want to be places we are which makes it awkward for family gatherings. I'm willing to not be at any of them but my husband and child need to be obviously.

Nothing at all has been said by her and my husband wants an apology before we speak to her again. However she had sent presents for my son so I text her to say thank you and she seems to have completely ignored she sent that message when she replied. Now I'm being paranoid thinking she intended to send the message so I know what she thinks of me.

Should I ask for a proper conversation and apology? Am I being a bit precious?

Thank you for all your help everyone. It has helped me realise that I was right in my first response that I will be better off letting her have her own family. I am not part of them, only by marriage, and I am happy to just stay home and let my OH and DC go to family things. I have my own family that I can talk to and see. I've worked really hard to build relationships all my life and I have to let some go.

I will not respond to the message as the moment has passed. However I will no longer be in communication with her and will no longer bring up the subject. I will make sure my child sees his family and that's all I can do for now.

I wouldn't let my dc go anywhere where there's that poison being spouted

I hate conflict too OP so I totally understand. And I agree with you that you shouldn't behave differently just because someone else isn't nice. I'd have thanked them too just to be true to myself.

But your DP should be dealing with it now, not when he feels like it x

Sorry, just seen your update and glad DP is on your side x

that's going against his wishes

Can you explain this? Is it cultural? It sounds fairly oppressive to me.

I agree with PP - I would not allow my DC anywhere near this toxic situation.

@cuppycakey if he doesn't like something or doesn't want us to do something I will respect that and try as much as possible to not do those things. It works both ways and he does lots of things for me that he probably doesn't agree with ( for example I don't allow belts in the house and to most that's weird but he respects that and we don't have any).

I'm not oppressed I just don't want to cause more arguments or stress in our lives. If it was MY sister that was being like this I would have sorted it out but that's me; he's very different and wants to sort it out in his own way.

I think the whole situation is really sad and you sound lovely @magpiecounter but ummm why no belts in the house?
#leasthelpfulpost

@stayathomegardener just over six years ago I was attacked in my home and the police reported over 150 cuts and cruises across my body from the belt and metal buckle he used to hurt me whilst simultaneously cracking my skull. It still creates a lot of anxiety and I'm not comfortable with them yet in the house. I only mentioned it as an example of how he accommodates my weird things so I appreciate his big things.

@magpiecounter that's horrific and I'm so sorry that happened to you. That's not a weird thing though, in the context of what happened to you. It's perfectly reasonable.

I would be interested to see what happens next time she needs a babysitter - I imagine your babysitting days are over when it comes to her. You might want to formulate some excuses in advance.
Btw - I am sorry that you were attacked. I hope your attacker was brought to justice.

I think you are right to let your husband deal with this. It’s his family and he understands the dynamics. You’re lucky he sees his sister for what she is.

As I was reading this I was curious whether he agrees with them. And I dont mean literally. You say things are not good with your husband and you're afraid of making it worse.

Is it possible he is planning a break up? Hes telling you to stay away from his family events, not responding negatively to an incredibly rude message for weeks because, why.

@ThisIsTheSign things are stressful at home because we are going through IVF right now and money is super tight so sometimes it gets a bit tense. We have literally put all our money and resources into having another baby.

However I've worried myself he agrees with what she's said and feels but he assures me that's not the case. Also it's me who has said I won't be going to Sunday dinners and family things with his family but that he should. So far he has said if I'm not going he's not going and if they want to see us they know where we live. His parents haven't actually questioned why we are not there on a Sunday yet so I'm not sure what's happening.

As far as I know our marriage is t about to come to an end; like I've said in earlier posts though I have no sense of judgement so maybe that'll blindside me too.

She will never raise this or address it. Whilst it’s likely she knows she sent it to you, it’s not certain so she may be oblivious. She may not have told her mum too.

You need to address it with them. It doesn’t have to be confrontational, just maybe even, “I didn’t reply straight away as I wanted time to think about it. Your message was hurtful and x and y are not true. I’d like a better relationship in future as we are likely to be in each other’s lives.” Then you could either ask how she suggests you both improve things or leave it there.

I’m sorry, I missed page 2. I’m very sorry that happened to you Magpie

That's terrible @magpiecounter I'm so sorry.

I really like @Smelborp suggestion it's non confrontational and could be left there but at least you've raised it.

That all sounds very difficult. Good luck.

A couple of thoughts:

Nice people assume everyone else is nice, selfish and judgemental people assume everyone else is selfish and judgemental. In this respect, you are SIL are blind to each other and will never fully understand one another.

Your DH's family dynamics are clearly difficult and unhealthy. He is adopting an 'angry child' passive-aggressive approach, by sulking for attention. This is not a healthy, adult or productive response. Though it is an understandable one.

Because you are not caught up in his family's dynamics, you are in many ways better placed to respond to SIL, from a 'naive outsider / reasonable stranger' perspective. Smelborp's response is excellent, calm, factual, reasonable, constructive. Perhaps you could discuss with DH whether this might be a useful response to make?

I think moving the ball out of your court, back into SIL's, would make you feel much better and allow you and DH to put this behind you and move on. Especially as the 'ball' must feel like a bomb. Let her diffuse it.

Oh magpie that is awful.

From your update it does sound like DH has your back.

I would leave it now and try to focus on yourselves.

They didn’t ask about your absence, I suspect, because SIL told MIL about the text. So, your MIL knew why you weren’t there.

They probably all know why.

For now, ignore them and get on with your life.

If they eventually ask why they never see you, tell them that you understood that you weren't welcome, and as you are a couple that means both of you are affected.

There's a difference between being polite and being a doormat.
You're being a doormat.
She sent the text to your phone - so you have every right to ask her about it.

He said he's had enough of her always being perfect and allowed to treat people like crap and he's done with her. I want to sort it out and would do myself except that's going against his wishes
So you're expected to just put up with this shitty behaviour....and you're choosing to enable this by staying away from family functions - so you can be considerate of her feelings??
All you're doing is playing her game and giving her the upper hand.

No one's going to respect you if you don't have any respect for yourself OP.
Even if you want to play their game of brushing it all under the carpet, don't fall into the trap of excluding yourself from family functions.
That will backfire on you because they will twist it into YOU having a problem with the family and trying to come in between them - and i doubt your husband is going to speak up for you.

Just act as normal with everyone else but ignore her, SHEA can stay away from family functions if she can't stand you.