To want a proper apology?

[magpiecounter]

A few weeks ago I was sent a message by my SIL that I Hope was a mistake because it was slating both myself and my husband. She was saying how she can't bear me and thinks I purposely make our child not eat his meals by giving him sweets (I don't let him have many sweets unless he's earned them and wouldn't just before a meal). She also said she doesn't want to be places we are which makes it awkward for family gatherings. I'm willing to not be at any of them but my husband and child need to be obviously.

Nothing at all has been said by her and my husband wants an apology before we speak to her again. However she had sent presents for my son so I text her to say thank you and she seems to have completely ignored she sent that message when she replied. Now I'm being paranoid thinking she intended to send the message so I know what she thinks of me.

Should I ask for a proper conversation and apology? Am I being a bit precious?

I don’t understand why you think you’d get an apology if you haven’t brought the text up. Speak to her and ask her about it.

I can kind of understand why OP sent the thank you message. I’ve bern in a similar position of not wanting to rock the boat or make a situation worse so ended up being taken for a mug. And if I bring it up now I would look petty.

If I could reverse time I would have told them to fuck off.

Op dont take this in the chin or avoid your mils. She is out of order and your Dh is right.

Copy and paste the text, and send it back to her. Ask her if she knew that she had sent it to you.

What do you want the apology for?

Either
The fact she doesn't like you and thinks your parenting is crap? If this is what she really thinks then apologising won't change her mind.

Or

The fact that she sent the text to you .

Either she wanted to let you know what she thinks of you (see above) or she sent it accidentally but it still expresses what she feels about you (see above)

The only thing she could possibly apologise for is writing the text in the first place, but since it says what she thinks and she clearly doesn't care about hurting your feelings I wouldn't think her apology was worth tuppence.

Forget about an apology, either you ignore her behaviour and try to keep a civil relationship going for the rest of the families benefit or you go non contact. I would however let other family members know what she did so they understand why.

I really don't understand why you didn't confront her about that text immediately. I sure would have.

What are you waiting for OP? Copy it back to her saying I think you sent this to me in error, copy in her mother and say nothing further. Let the shit hit the fan. Do not ask for an apology because she won't mean it even if she gives you one. Do not stop going to family events - you are not the one in the wrong.

Your (lack of) reaction is possibly the most British thing I've ever seen.

There must be some background to this.

Of course she knows she sent it to you - messages get saved automatically on phones nowadays and she will see it in her messages. Whether it was a mistake is anybodies guess. I can't believe you haven't raised it with her!

I would copy and paste the message in. New message to MIL and SIL and say Hi MIL, SIL sent this to me by mistake I think it was meant for you.

Then leave the chat and wait for the fireworks.

This really makes no sense.

Ok so she sent a message to her mother telling her she dislikes you and why. And you've not confronted her, have decided to not go round when she's there, and, and you were rhe one to thank for the presents. Not your husband.

Why on God's name would you do this. It really is like watching someone saying thanks, kick me in the teeth again.

I’m sure she knows she sent it to you.
Even if she didn’t realise for a while, she’ll have noticed her mum didn’t reply and then - “oh shit”.

She’s simply burying her head until it goes away - which tbf appears to be an excellent strategy!

I would be hurt and angry. Easy for me to say objectively, but people do mouth off to each other, over dramatise, exaggerate. I love my husband but I wouldn’t want him to read some of my messages to my friend about him out of context (he snores ). So you might be able to forgive some of it. Depends on the detail really.

Your husband should speak to her. Make her squirm. Then carry on seeing family and just let her suck it up. You can’t like everybody.

And, well: women’s work.
Please tell me your husband ALSO thanked her for try presents?

'i take it that wasnt for me. i dont agree with you and im trying my best to be a good mum. would rather u spoke to me about it and not someone else

Please don't do this, it's even more doormat than your current behaviour,

Send it back to her and say, we are still waiting for you to mention this and explain your behaviour.

wth?! how have you not mentioned it?! youve left it too long and now you look like a doormat.

Are you sure she wrote it and it wasn’t someone else who had access to her phone?

Why didn’t you reply saying “that’s all your problem, I have no intention of changing who I am or changing any arrangements. If you hate being around me get over yourself or don’t come, your choice.

And why didn’t you reject the gift saying “I’ve no interest in anything from you given you despise me.”

Your (lack of) reaction is possibly the most British thing I've ever seen

• never a truer word spoken! The problem is now is that the OP has subsequently been lovely to the SIL since ...so she's kind of lost the moment. Could pretend she'd not seen the mail (went to spam) but she's just seen it and is mega pissed off. Sounds like OP just doesn't have an appetite for any confrontation though. I think the SIL could stick a turd through the letter box and OP will be profusely thanking her for the kind gesture!

You should've forwarded to members of the family with a 'Shit. What do we do now? SIL has sent me this. Awkward!' Leave it in her court to explain.
You don't stand up for yourself now they will take the piss forever. I wou

Your (lack of) reaction is possibly the most British thing I've ever seen

Absolutely. Just how much of a kicking are you prepared to take and smile and say thank you?

Call her. Tell her you seen the shittiest, vilest message ever from her and would like to give her a chance to explain. Then sit back and watch her try to dig herself out of the hole she made.

I’m not sure what good an apology will do- if it is how she feels then an apology is utterly meaningless, isn’t it?

You could ask your husband to speak to her- though demanding an apology seems unlikely to change how you feel, and presumably she won’t have changed her mind about you, so seems a bit pointless. I don’t think your husband can tell his mother or sister how they should feel about you or dictate what they can or cannot discuss- but he should be clear that this message was very upsetting and he expects you to be treated with respect.

Given an apology won’t change anything I would just ignore her- carry on going to family things and if SIL cannot tolerate you being there she is free to leave/not attend. Remain civil but distant if you see her.

Sorry pressed enter too soon. Not mentioning it already is not a problem- you say you've been giving her time to explain and apologise but nothing has been forthcoming.

@HappilyHarridan if there is some sort of background I don't know what it is. My husband said he's always been spoken to badly by her but I put it down to sibling stuff. I've never been anything other than lovely to my in-laws and always offer to help her out if she needs it (ie look after her kids or pick stuff up for her).