To want a proper apology?

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A few weeks ago I was sent a message by my SIL that I Hope was a mistake because it was slating both myself and my husband. She was saying how she can't bear me and thinks I purposely make our child not eat his meals by giving him sweets (I don't let him have many sweets unless he's earned them and wouldn't just before a meal). She also said she doesn't want to be places we are which makes it awkward for family gatherings. I'm willing to not be at any of them but my husband and child need to be obviously.

Nothing at all has been said by her and my husband wants an apology before we speak to her again. However she had sent presents for my son so I text her to say thank you and she seems to have completely ignored she sent that message when she replied. Now I'm being paranoid thinking she intended to send the message so I know what she thinks of me.

Should I ask for a proper conversation and apology? Am I being a bit precious?

Send her by reply some links to online Anger Management resources.......if she queries it, say you can see the email hasn't been hacked and everyone is very very worried about her and how she's clearly feeling; there's help at hand for those that want to help themselves.

I've never been anything other than lovely to my in-laws and always offer to help her out if she needs it (ie look after her kids or pick stuff up for her).

Well stop doing that now, you can see that even though you do her favours, she doesn't appreciate it. And don't not go your MILs because she has some issue with you, that's her problem and her choice.

I think your husband should read her message out loud at the next family gathering.

That will start the conversation.

A conversation that, in all seriousness and perhaps less publicly, he clearly desperately wants and needs.

ie look after her kids or pick stuff up for her

Well knock that shit on the head right now.
No babysitting, no errands, no thoughtful gifts (boots 3for2 pref bought in the70% off sale from previous year)
No nothing

Stop being a doormat and just send a text saying you are still waiting for her to explain the message she sent on X date.

It sounds as if MIL and SIL enjoy a good old moan about people. She is irritated because you do things differently to her, but that doesn't mean that she hates you. Sounds like she also regularly moans about her brother.

You definitely won't get an apology because you haven't pointed out that you saw it. Even if you point it out, she is entitled to her opinion, and her intention was to send it to her mother, not you.

I would be a little firmer with her. Stop trying to be nice to her, and tell her that you dislike people that constantly badmouth family behind their backs.

In reply to lots of different people:

• I felt sick when I read the message as I didn't know what to do or how to feel. It was a bit of a shock and I had to read it a few times to make sure I actually understood and my initial reaction had been right. It had. I then showed my OH who was super annoyed with his sister and said I couldn't reply.

• I've seen my SIL since as she came to the door one night to drop off an Easter egg (we had already given her kids theirs before this happened) and she acted like nothing had happened. My husband was courteous but had very little to say to her. I saw my MIL last night because she babysat my DC for me whilst I was at work and she said nothing.

• I sent a message thanking her for the present because I'm a polite person and believe you should always say thank you to someone no matter what. It's how I was brought up and I'm not going to change myself because she's not being nice. My OH refuses to talk to her so he wouldn't say thank you and my son isn't old enough to text or call her.

-I don't want to make trouble for anyone or cause anyone to dislike me more so haven't said anything to the rest of the family. I'm a nice person and haven't really had this happen before from anyone. Obviously I've had messages sent to me by accident but they're usually just normal messages clearly sent by accident.

• those who think I'm a push over and letting everyone get away with things. I'm not. I've just grown up with my own family being dicks and thought my in-laws were better. However in my family we wouldn't talk about people like that. If I had "accidentally" sent a message to MY brothers wife saying that I would be torn a new one by my family and have A LOT of apologies to make. Seems my OH family are different.

• I know that apologising doesn't change how she feels and that's why I'm happy to just not be around when she is. I do think she should at least say sorry for sending me that message and being such a basic.

I can't remember the rest of the points. It's been nearly three weeks (this Sunday) and I would have at least thought she would have noticed.

Awwww I can imagine the sick feeling
It’s just awful and it plays on your mind.

As I said previously, stop doing anything to help or facilitate them, and send your DH on his own.
He needs to deal with his family. I am also surprised he didn’t challenge her directly..:

Op please stop being a doormat, she’s abusing you and your goodwill, she doesn’t like you- stop doing the woman favours!! She’ll be laughing at you.

Of course she is not going to mention it, why would she?!

If she realises she sent it to you, she probably felt a bit sick when she realised but you haven't mentioned it and have acted normally since - so she probably figures that either you didn't get it, or she's got away with it.

Or she doesn't realise she sent it to you and not MIL

You ARE being a doormat OP, if you want to talk about it you will have to initiate the conversation. Or stop being so fucking polite and just ignore the cow until she twigs!

- those who think I'm a push over and letting everyone get away with things. I'm not. I've just grown up with my own family being dicks and thought my in-laws were better. However in my family we wouldn't talk about people like that. If I had "accidentally" sent a message to MY brothers wife saying that I would be torn a new one by my family and have A LOT of apologies to make. Seems my OH family are different.

But how can they if no one has said anything? How would they know?

Why the hell haven’t you confronted her

@scratchyfluffface because she will know. My OH knows. I'm thinking my MIL must know because she's of the same opinion and no one has said anything. If I speak to her I'm going against my husbands wishes and this is something he's actually supporting me in.

I don't understand why you posted. Nobody is going to say that she is reasonable, of course you deserve an apology. But you know that she is refusing to acknowledge it and you refuse to raise it so how do you think it can be resolved?

And your dh isn't really supporting you. If he was he would be raising it and sorting it, not ignoring it and forbidding you from sorting it. Is he really never going to speak to her again? Probably not, he will give in at some point and then she has completely got away with it. I'm not saying he is deliberately doing it but he needs to calm down and see that completely ignoring her and the issue will just make it worse.

I speak as someone whose husbands family hated me by the way. I actually do have full sympathy for you but I don't understand what you want us to say when you won't raise it with her.

If I had "accidentally" sent a message to MY brothers wife saying that I would be torn a new one by my family and have A LOT of apologies to make.

But noone knows! How can anyone say anything if you haven't mentioned it?! She probably hasn't even realised herself ffs! You cant expect someone to apologise for something they dont even know they've done!

@QforCucumber she does know she's sent it though. You don't send a message like that and not realise after three weeks. When she wants to ask things of me she usually texts but since then she has started texting my husband only.

Also you would tell your husband or mum you'd done it. You don't keep things like that a secret. If I had done it I would have said something immediately.

You can't keep just ignoring it, that's madness and will send you crazy! Can your dh speak to mil and tell her you were very upset to receive a nasty message from sil and you both feel like it's left you in a difficult position?

So you're saying; she's very different to you, yet you expect her to feel and react exactly as you would, had you done such a thing, which you wouldn't. Ok then...

You need to decide whose issue this is to solve - yours, your husband's, both of you. Then you / he needs to act. You're telling us he wants an apology, he's told you not to say anything, he won't say anything... yet here you are worrying about it.

Clearly you are unhappy and his inaction is not resolving this for you. So, either he sorts things out - actively, not by 'not speaking' - or you do. Can you tell him that? Does anyone in this drama actually talk to one another?

@lottiegarbanzo I've said I want it sorting out and he said he will when he's ready and that it's between him and her. He said he's had enough of her always being perfect and allowed to treat people like crap and he's done with her. I want to sort it out and would do myself except that's going against his wishes. I feel like it's something that needs resolving but maybe their family doesn't. I guess I just don't have that experience or understanding and, as I have no powers of judgement, don't know if it's me that's strange and actually these things do just get forgotten.

Good to hear he's going to sort it. When? It's been 3 weeks. I'd give him to the weekend then reply yourself. He's not supporting you. He's doing fuck all.

Also. It's possible that MIL doesn't know and isn't normally involved in this kind of conversation with SIL.

By the way. You keep mentioning your husbands wishes. What are your wishes? Are they less important than yours?

Why are you respecting your husbands wishes in this situation? You're the one she was slagging off. I can't believe it's been 3 weeks. She's probably had a right laugh thinking you have accepted what she said, given the fact you haven't even mentioned it since. I assume next time she asks for help with kids or anything else, you will be well prepared to tell her to fuck right off and tell her why. And don't avoid family events - why would you pander to her demands and make her feel superior? She'll think she can walk all over you - time to let her know that's not happening.

I really don't like conflict. Things are quite stressful at home right now and I worry if I go against my OH it will cause an argument and additional stress. I have no idea if this is normal or not. For all I know me being the sort of person who a) wouldn't say things like that to anyone else even if I sometimes thought it and b) apologises for everything immediately and thought everyone else did might be the abnormal one and I'm very very wrong. Is it normal that you do something like send a message to someone saying you can't stand them and then just go about your business? Is it normal to think people have a sense of guilt about these things? I grew up with a very altered sense of reality and so now as an adult my PAC model has left me unable to gauge what is right and wrong in some situations (others obviously are clear cut and easy)

No none of it's bloody normal.

Your husband's abnormal telling you what you can and can't do, particularly in this context, it's not his decision, it's yours.
You're abnormal for not responding and Dealing with it.
She's actually not that abnormal, she's saying nothing because she knows you're too chicken shit, the pair of uou, to challenge her. She's not a nice person, but I can't say her avoiding it is totally abnormal or as abnormal as you and your husband's behaviour on the face of it.
Your mother in law is not totally abnormal either in staying out of it.

The major abnormality is you not responding immediately and being told what to do by your husband and then doing as your told. And him telling you not to respond and then him not dealing with it either. It's been three weeks and neither of you have done anything to challenge her.

That's what's abnormal.

None of this is normal. The most abnormal thing about it is your lack of response, to a message sent to you, about you.

She isn't apologising because she isn't sorry. That's what she thinks. You haven't pulled her up on her rudeness in saying it, so she doesn't even need to apologise for that. She's also going to get what she wants - you staying away from family gatherings - so, win win for her.

Thank you. As I said previously I have no experience of this. I see the good in everyone and have defended her to my OH by saying she probably doesn't realise what she's done or how it has upset me. He said she DOES know what she has done and so does his mum because they will have spoken about it. He said he wants to see how much they actually care about him and if they will actually admit to how they are behaving. I have said I want to sort it out and want to talk to her and he said she is not worth it and has made her decision to not want us around so we are to keep out of her life and hers ours. Except she chose to come to our house and I was nice because I'm not the sort of person to have a blazing row in front of my child or in front of my neighbours. In fact I hate arguing of any kind as it scares me. I have been the unwilling participant in many a shouting match through my life and it makes me feel sick. I cannot judge or predict situations myself so I have to rely on others to advise me and if that's not an option I have to take the path of least trouble.

However I would not say making a mistake and apologising for it is abnormal. I will not say anything to others that I would not like being said to myself or my family and only try to stick to safe positive things in conversation because that's not likely to cause me any trouble. To me that's normality and what people should do.