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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dear friend not bothering to congratulate on the birth of my daughter

86 replies

Sundayschildisfullofgrace · 01/05/2019 20:47

I've very recently had our daughter, after telling close family and introducing to her sibling we then announced her arrival on Facebook to let our non local friends and distant relatives know she had arrived.

We received lots of lovely messages of congratulations and well wishes, some from people we haven't spoken to in a long time. Very kind and thoughtful.

What upset me is that one of my oldest and dearest childhood friends who we no longer live near but often chat with, hasn't so much as acknowledged her birth or asked how we are (we're mid-late 20's and have known one another since nursery)

She has been very active and commenting on other mutual friends updates throughout so she's definitely seen it but not bothered to message me. There is absolutely no way that she doesn't know and she's on social media constantly

Now, my aibu.

This friend has fertility problems and very much wants a baby of her own, because I'm aware of this fact I'm thinking I may be unreasonable to want her to be happy for us.

Then on the flip side I think I'm not being unreasonable at all as even after I suffered a miscarriage two years ago and lost my son three years prior to that- I was still happy for another friend who gave birth later in the year. As soon as I heard her baby had arrived I called her to congratulate and said how pleased I was for her and her husband. Despite my own pain I still cared about my friends.

So AIBU to think I'm being a bit shitty, or is she being a bit shitty?

OP posts:

Winterfellismyhome · 01/05/2019 20:49

Maybe shes upset that you haven't text her directly and she found out via Facebook?

Congratulations on your daughter

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 01/05/2019 20:52

She's jealous. She's bound to be. You've got the one thing she wants more than anything else in the world.

Amara123 · 01/05/2019 20:52

I think you can't know what is going on with her and the best thing to do is enjoy your new baby and the congratulations you have received from others.
I have been your friend and you and knowing the pain of infertility did not expect congratulations from friends who had fertility issues. I just focussed on my lovely much wanted baby and sent positive feelings their way.

aprarl · 01/05/2019 20:53

Maybe she's muted you and has no idea.

FleurNancy · 01/05/2019 20:54

Don't judge her by the way you handled yourself in a similar situation. Everyone is so different and people cope in different ways. Don't sweat it, enjoy your lovely newborn and let her deal with it in her own time. Please don't take it personally.

crimsonlake · 01/05/2019 20:54

Winterfell has hit the nail on the head. As your nearest and dearest childhood friend I think she expected to be informed personally. Congratulations.

Goawayquickly · 01/05/2019 20:54

Congratulations on your lovely new baby and I’m sorry about your previous losses. Neither of you are being shitty I reckon, I expect your news has made her feel sad for herself and you are naturally hoping to hear from your close friend.

Try to let her come to terms with this although I understand you’re hurt. Hopefully you’ll hear from her soon.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 01/05/2019 20:55

Winterfell has a good point.

Why not assume your dear friend is not feeling good about this, one way or another, and make the first move. Text her.

Fatted · 01/05/2019 20:57

She might have taken you off her newsfeed if she didn't want to see baby talk. She might genuinely not know. Why not send a quick text out to people?

Sagradafamiliar · 01/05/2019 20:57

I think she's possibly unfollowed you to avoid updates on a sore subject for her and as you haven't messaged her directly, she is unaware.

AnnaSteen · 01/05/2019 20:58

OP do you know what is going on with her at the minute? Maybe she is in the middle of a round of IVF and doesn’t have the strength to be happy happy for you at this moment in time. You have had a massive thing happen and naturally you expect everyone to contact you and make an effort with you but maybe she also has something big re fertility treatment going on? During my IVF I gave myself permission to feel exactly how I wanted to feel/ contact exactly who I wanted to contact as it was both physically and emotionally draining. It’s also likely she has muted you if you already have a child - nothing personal just not wanting to see pics and happy statuses. Maybe give it a while then text and see how she is getting on - I’m sure she will congratulate you then.

Redpostbox · 01/05/2019 21:07

The pain of infertility is massive and it gets worse the longer it goes on and the more friends have babies. I used to feel like someone had stabbed me in the guts every tie anyone announced they were pregnant and couldn't bear to hold a newborn. I would cry constantly.
I was actually happy for the friends deep down but I just couldn't control my emotions around babies.

Provincialbelle · 01/05/2019 21:11

I don’t want to pry but you say you are mid-late 20s but lost a son five years ago. When did you first get pregnant and what was she like through that time?

C0untDucku1a · 01/05/2019 21:12

Have you told her youve had the baby?
Have you shown any interest in whats happening in her life recently?

BarbedBloom · 01/05/2019 21:21

I would assume she has muted you as I did with some of my friends who talked a lot about their pregnancies when I couldn't conceive. I would check in every few days on the person so I kept up to date. I would drop her a text

thegreenlight · 01/05/2019 21:41

I really don’t understand why people outsource their happiness to others! Apart from my immediate little family I couldn’t give a fig! Why do you want her validation?

Original poster

Sundayschildisfullofgrace · 01/05/2019 21:43

@Provincialbelle I'm 25 and she's 27

I was young when i lost my son yes. If I think back to how she was at that time, she wasn't hugely supportive.

I didn't post alot of pregnancy updates or spam people with baby news, but I can see why she may have muted.

OP posts:

BuildingQuote · 01/05/2019 21:48

Is it at all possible she’s wanting to send you a proper card to congratulate you ? I know it’s a different thing but when a friend’s mum died recently a text didn’t feel right so I wanted to send something handwritten and there are still times when that’s nice . I do hope you get in touch and see how she is too .

BuildingQuote · 01/05/2019 21:48

Also huge congrats on your DD

Justheretogiveaviewfrommyworld · 01/05/2019 21:49

YABVVVU to say 'I may be unreasonable to want her to be happy for us.' She is happy for you, but is devastated for herself. The things aren't mutually exclusive OP. She's probably waiting until she's composed enough to contact you and express what she really feels rather tthan a knee jerk response. I know you just had a baby OP, but the tone of your post is very smug and self-centred, please be mindful of how your friend might be feeling.

TiredAndaBitBored · 01/05/2019 21:51

She may very well have hidden you on social media. I used to do this every time someone I knew had a baby or announced a pregnancy. I wouldn't even find out they'd had the baby until I saw a mutual friend who told me.

Think of it what you will but it's things like this that kept a slight bit of sanity for me at that time.

Grief is different for everyone. It really doesn't mean anything to say that you wouldn't do x y or z in your friends situation as no two people experience things exactly the same or use the exact same coping methods all the time.

Congratulations OP, you sound like you've been through hell and you truly do now deserve to be happy with your baby. Just focus on that.

Infertility is a minefield of emotions and something I will never judge anyone for.

Tightarseparent1 · 01/05/2019 21:55

Jealousy. Which is completely natural in her position.

Can I just add not every one who has fertility problems experience deep pain ect which I see often banded about in MN. I didn’t and I was also able to congratulate other people who did. Some do, some don’t.

Don’t bother reaching out to her. Concentrate on your gorgeous new baby!

losingfaith · 01/05/2019 21:58

She has either hidden your updates, or is being a bit of a dick. Harsh but true. I've had fertility problems for years. Lost a daughter at 5 months after 5 years of trying, ruptured ectopic and another miscarriage after IVF and I'm about to turn 40. Yes it stings when other people, particularly close friends and relatives announce pregnancies / have babies but as much as it hurts, I am happy for them. It isn't their fault I've been unlucky. Having fertility problems isn't a get out of jail free card. I've never not congratulated friends, sent gifts etc even when I was on the brink of doing something very stupid.

Congratulations on your little one, like another poster has said. Don't chase the friendship, if it is meant to be it will be.

TiredAndaBitBored · 01/05/2019 22:02

Yes TightArse is right, it's not always the same.

Which is why it doesn't mean anything when posters say 'I still managed to congratulate when I went through it so she should too' which is usually what people will say on these threads.

SerenDippitty · 01/05/2019 22:06

I did manage to smile and congratulate but it took a superhuman effort and I would usually break down in private. Sorry if that makes me a dick.

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