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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dear friend not bothering to congratulate on the birth of my daughter

86 replies

Sundayschildisfullofgrace · 01/05/2019 20:47

I've very recently had our daughter, after telling close family and introducing to her sibling we then announced her arrival on Facebook to let our non local friends and distant relatives know she had arrived.

We received lots of lovely messages of congratulations and well wishes, some from people we haven't spoken to in a long time. Very kind and thoughtful.

What upset me is that one of my oldest and dearest childhood friends who we no longer live near but often chat with, hasn't so much as acknowledged her birth or asked how we are (we're mid-late 20's and have known one another since nursery)

She has been very active and commenting on other mutual friends updates throughout so she's definitely seen it but not bothered to message me. There is absolutely no way that she doesn't know and she's on social media constantly

Now, my aibu.

This friend has fertility problems and very much wants a baby of her own, because I'm aware of this fact I'm thinking I may be unreasonable to want her to be happy for us.

Then on the flip side I think I'm not being unreasonable at all as even after I suffered a miscarriage two years ago and lost my son three years prior to that- I was still happy for another friend who gave birth later in the year. As soon as I heard her baby had arrived I called her to congratulate and said how pleased I was for her and her husband. Despite my own pain I still cared about my friends.

So AIBU to think I'm being a bit shitty, or is she being a bit shitty?

OP posts:
Tinkety · 02/05/2019 03:42

It's possible she may have muted me yes, but she sees another mutual friend every other day who was sending her congratulations when I announced DDs arrival, so even if she hasn't seen my post then she would have been told by the mutual friend by now as she'd have seen her, always does

Yes but if the mutual friend knows about her fertility struggles then it’s highly likely she hasn’t brought up the subject so as to not be insensitive.

I’ve been the mutual friend in a situation like this & I’ve always kept my mouth shut about other people’s pregnancies / babies around friends with infertility & only discuss it if they bring the topic up first. Mutual friend probably thinks she knows but doesn’t want to discuss it as it’s upsetting.

StoppinBy · 02/05/2019 04:22

Your closest friends didn't even get a phone call? I would be a bit upset about that if I was your friend. I would be putting my money on her waiting to be told personally rather than a generic facebook announcement and I am surprised you didn't do so already.

lboogy · 02/05/2019 04:32

My close friend and I both suffered fertility problems. I did have a baby in the end. She hasn't been in touch once to ask about the baby and it's been a year.

I totally understand and besides my one attempt at contact , I've not been in touch. I know it must be hard for her.

Leave your friend to get in touch when she feels ready. Don't judge her. You have no idea how painful infertility it

areukiddingme · 02/05/2019 04:45

Stop been so precious,

my2bundles · 02/05/2019 06:27

I miss things on fb all the time. Maybe ring her, surely that's a better way to communicate.

Mamabear12 · 02/05/2019 06:30

I don't think you are being unreasonable, she should congratulate you. But some people find it so painful and have strong jealous emotions when they are struggling with infertility and others go on to have babies....of course they do not want to have these awful feelings, but they can not help it. Some are able to put it to the side and be happy for others, but some are the opposite and feel jealousy, life is not fair etc. Its so hard...and I imagine very painful. But she should at least muster up a congrats message....

HBStowe · 02/05/2019 06:41

She is being shitty. Maybe she’s hurting, but it’s not an excuse for not taking 30 seconds to message you.

Happynow001 · 02/05/2019 06:55

@Sundayschildisfullofgrace
I suffered a miscarriage two years ago and lost my son three years prior to that- I was still happy for another friend who gave birth later in the year.
I'm so sorry you've had such a tough time OP but CONGRATULATIONS! for the safe arrival of your new baby. 🌺

I was young when i lost my son yes. If I think back to how she was at that time, she wasn't hugely supportive.
No matter if she is jealous, a kind and loving friend should still have been happy for YOU - such a close friend who's had such tragedy before.

I hope she's not hurt that I didn't tell her personally, I was trying not to be insensitive to her struggles by making a point of calling or texting first.
All you can do is what you think best at the time. You can't always predict how people will react.

Hopefully your friend will contact you but I'd focus on your own little family now and welcome your friend if/when she's back in touch.

SerenDippitty · 02/05/2019 07:12

Don’t forget that she has no baby and you now have two. She might have been OK with you having one but this may have tipped her over the edge. I remember when we were having IVF seeing a friend announce her second pregnancy and getting very angry at the world for giving her 2 when all I wanted was one.

This. I had friends who had third and fourth babies and I never had one. It made life seem very unfair and cruel.

Lifeover · 02/05/2019 07:14

I’m sorry you’ve had such a hard journey but everyone responds differently. Maybe your friend has just had a loss or a failed round of ivf. If it’s been going on a long time it gets harder and harder as all hope is lost. It goes from seeing babies and thinking that will be me one day to seeing babies and thinking I will never have that.
Read the other thread running on the same thing. One poster bravely outlines her DH killed himself because of infertility. It’s stated 1 in 5 people experiencing infertility have considered taking their own life.

I’m sorry your friends reaction hasn’t met your expectations, but she is battling something that could potentially result in her death. She is probably prioritising her mental health and that might include not sending you a nice little email congratulating you with could be just too much for her now. For all you know she could be putting her energies into dealing with suicidal thoughts.

And if she’s such a good friend why not text her? Find out how she is? Why do you feel the need for validation when someone is struggling for the very thing you have? She doesn’t have to be happy for you.

ClaryFray · 02/05/2019 07:14

I may be a little emotional here given I've only just found out that I'm unlikely to have children...

But, get the hell over yourself.

The minute anyone on Facebook annouces a pregnancy, I mute them. I don't want to see it. If she is thst close a friend that you expect a congratulations, knowing what she's going through could you not have poped her a text saying 'babies here, I understand it's hard for you. But we'd love you to be involved'

You had a baby. She's busy hating her body. And you. Then feeling guilty about it.

Then you have the cheek to suggest she is being unreasonable.

NameChangeNugget · 02/05/2019 07:17

I think your communication method was odd here. She genuinely might not know. Our own babies are the most important thing in our world but, it isn’t your mutual friends.

Nanny0gg · 02/05/2019 07:23

Don’t take this the wrong way but a lot of new mums think the world revolves around them and their new baby and they live in this self contained me me me bubble

It's still the norm to congratulate people.

I do think a close friend shouldn't hear it from FB though.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 02/05/2019 07:24

I'd imagine she's hidden your newsfeed to stop seeing baby posts. If she was a close friend you should have told her yourself first knowing the issues she's having.

On a side note, do people really check who has liked their posts and congratulated them and who didn't?

TiredAndaBitBored · 02/05/2019 07:25

I don't really get this expectation we place on our friends suffering with infertility. Everyone who says it's not a free pass to avoid this stuff, why not?

Everyone in the bloody world coo's over your newborn baby. What difference will a 30 second congratulations text really make to OP?

If I had any suspicions at all that having to do this would hurt my friend I'd just leave it and accept that there's plenty other people congratulating you on your birth, one less won't kill.

You don't need congratulating by your friend. It won't make a jot of difference to your day whether she does or not. It may just about ruin her week though, having to face this. I wouldn't want to put my friend through that just to satisfy myself for 10 seconds. There's plenty other people you can share this wonderful news with. Forcing the one person it may be killing inside to join in is just cruel IMO.

TiredAndaBitBored · 02/05/2019 07:28

It's still the norm to congratulate people

Just because it's a social norm doesn't mean it's necessary.

Why would you want a forced congratulations from someone you know full well is probably sending it feeling like shit?

It would make me feel worse, not better.

Birdie6 · 02/05/2019 07:40

She is one of my oldest and dearest childhood friends

But you didn't inform her personally - just expected her to read it on Facebook. Maybe it would have been nice to give her a call, seeing she is one of your oldest and dearest friends.

Cornish83 · 02/05/2019 07:42

Why does it matter? You have a baby to raise that’s real life! Surprised you even have time for Facebook. Be happy with your family and stop worrying about virtual reality. If you’re really concerned about why you’re friend didn’t like your post ring her and ask!

Yogagirl123 · 02/05/2019 07:45

Congrats on your DD Flowers

Unfortunately, events in life can change very close friendships, as I have learnt.

It’s no one’s fault, you haven’t done anything wrong, of course you want the world to see your adorable baby girl, but for some that can be very painful. And understandably they will remove themselves from the situation to protect themselves and cope with their heartbreak.

aprarl · 02/05/2019 07:45

Why would you want a forced congratulations from someone you know full well is probably sending it feeling like shit? It would make me feel worse, not better.

This, in spades.

RedSkyLastNight · 02/05/2019 07:48

Just seen that OP only had her baby on Sunday. Isn't it a bit premature to be complaining on Wednesday - 3 days later - that friend hasn't been in touch?

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/05/2019 07:50

she wasn’t hugely supportive when you lost your son. That doesn’t sound very nice tbh. Perhaps she is the sort of friend, who expects to be supported, not the other way round. Does she make everything about her? I think you may perhaps have your answer here, so consider taking a step back, enjoying your baby and protecting yourself.

I understand having difficulty conceiving can be very hard. I had dd through ivf so have been through this to some extent. So I’m not unsympathetic either.

downcasteyes · 02/05/2019 07:50

"This friend has fertility problems and very much wants a baby of her own, because I'm aware of this fact I'm thinking I may be unreasonable to want her to be happy for us."

Of course she's jealous. She is probably feeling simultaneously happy for you and very, very sad. (You also don't know where she is in her fertility journey - she might just have had another cycle fail, or a pregnancy fail). The right thing to do in her shoes, of course, is to screw yourself up to the congratulations and to try to be as sincere about it as possible. But it's really hard. Give her a break.

Omzlas · 02/05/2019 07:58

Congratulations on your baby OP

Not quite the same but I grew close to a colleague I used to work with, around the time we were TTC. She came to work upset one day and confided in me that she'd had an ectopic pregnancy and lost her tube and it was the anniversary. She hadn't even known she was pregnant. I fell pregnant soon after, it was an ectopic. She was the first person within work that I (discreetly) told and she appreciated the gesture. When I fell pregnant some months later, she was also the first person at work that I told because I didn't want her to find out from someone else.
I appreciate that this isn't the same thing but it sounds to me like the most sensitive way to tell your friend would have been directly and not via SM. As an aside, my best friend had a contraception fail whilst I was recovering from my EP and she couldn't face me. I suspected why she was avoiding me and I turned up, unannounced, and dragged it out of her. She was worried about how I would react and that the 'timing was terrible'.

IMO the best thing would have been to call, text, or see your friend and tell her your good news when you tell pregnant. You may well still be able to make it up with your friend, call her?

Buddytheelf85 · 02/05/2019 08:49

When I was struggling I found Facebook posts really hard. I was perfectly capable of being happy for friends who messaged me directly with their news but for some reason FB posts were really painful. To be honest, I think it’s because a lot of the time they’re really nauseating, and no one would ever text you the smug crap they write in social media posts. ‘Over the moon to introduce the newest member of our family... we’re tired but so happy... #blessed #littlefamalam’ accompanied by pictures. Opening up Facebook and seeing that kind of post was like a punch in the face.

I’m sorry but I think YABU. You haven’t bothered to message your oldest and dearest friend who is struggling with fertility problems personally to tell her about your news, and you’re basically annoyed because she hasn’t ‘liked’ your FB post.