Dear friend not bothering to congratulate on the birth of my daughter

[Sundayschildisfullofgrace]

I've very recently had our daughter, after telling close family and introducing to her sibling we then announced her arrival on Facebook to let our non local friends and distant relatives know she had arrived.

We received lots of lovely messages of congratulations and well wishes, some from people we haven't spoken to in a long time. Very kind and thoughtful.

What upset me is that one of my oldest and dearest childhood friends who we no longer live near but often chat with, hasn't so much as acknowledged her birth or asked how we are (we're mid-late 20's and have known one another since nursery)

She has been very active and commenting on other mutual friends updates throughout so she's definitely seen it but not bothered to message me. There is absolutely no way that she doesn't know and she's on social media constantly

Now, my aibu.

This friend has fertility problems and very much wants a baby of her own, because I'm aware of this fact I'm thinking I may be unreasonable to want her to be happy for us.

Then on the flip side I think I'm not being unreasonable at all as even after I suffered a miscarriage two years ago and lost my son three years prior to that- I was still happy for another friend who gave birth later in the year. As soon as I heard her baby had arrived I called her to congratulate and said how pleased I was for her and her husband. Despite my own pain I still cared about my friends.

So AIBU to think I'm being a bit shitty, or is she being a bit shitty?

She either doesn't like you or she feels in another way blocked from saying something.

I'm guessing the latter and that she is blocked by feeling raw inside. I know you had fertility problems, but right now you have a baby and she still doesn't. She may not have wanted to tell you how bad things are. May have had other more recent bad news.

I would contact her and ask how she is, say you are well post-pregnancy, but don't say too much. Just keep communication open.

When did you put the message on FB? If quite recently, might she have sent a card or be planning to congratulate you in person, rather than in person via social media?

How long ago did you announce it on FB? Maybe she will be sending a card through the post rather than message? Or maybe you are muted.

Although
This friend has fertility problems and very much wants a baby of her own, because I'm aware of this fact I'm thinking I may be unreasonable to want her to be happy for us.

Having been in her situation I can tell you it physically hurts. Every time someone has a baby that we don’t have. Does not mean I couldn’t be happy for other people when they had their baby BUT it DID make me more miserable that they got their baby and I can’t even have one...

Then on the flip side I think I'm not being unreasonable at all as even after I suffered a miscarriage two years ago and lost my son three years prior to that- I was still happy for another friend who gave birth later in the year.

BUT, and I’m sorry for your losses, you CAN get pregnant...naturally. I am not diminishing your losses in any way (I have lost 4 via IVF) but actually being able to get pregnant in the first place, compared to not ever being able to get pregnant at all, is a really HUGE issue to someone who waits every month, always gets a negative pregnancy test and who gets their period every month.

Maybe she has muted FB and doesn’t know, maybe she is hurting so much she is spending days curled in a ball sobbing at the unfairness of the world that she can’t have a baby or maybe she is just a shit friend.
You won’t know unless you contact her.

How do you know she has seen the update? Facebook regularly hides posts from some of my friends from me and unless I actively go to their profile I don't always see it. I don't even have a big list of friends on there, it's just the way their algorithm works. Sometimes it doesn't even show me things my husband has posted

Facebook regularly hides posts from some of my friends from me and unless I actively go to their profile I don't always see it.

This! It drives me nuts. Just show me all the posts FFS!

OP I do think that, if she's that close a friend, a text would have been more appropriate. That plus her fertility problems could well be the problem.

@Bringbackthestripes @SerenDippitty @Redpostbox
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It sounds like it’s a very sensitive subject

I would give it time

You have your hands full - don’t waste time fretting over this.

You say you are close, but you seem more irritated by her lack on congratulations on social media, than by her emotional and physical absence?

Maybe the friendship isn’t as strong as you think?

Wait and see how things pan out over the coming weeks and months, some friendships just fizzle out over the years. If you find you miss her you could reach out and ask what’s going on. But if it’s only an acknowledgement on Facebook you need then it’s not really a friendship.

She might have unfollowed you if she doesn’t want to see all your baby related posts, so I wouldn’t assume she knows. My own brother and sil didn’t congratulate us on or even acknowledge our second child, he was about 4 months old when we bumped into them by accident. They found it too painful as they couldn’t have children. I was annoyed at the time and thought they were acting like dicks (they probably were) but I was effectively rubbing salt in their wounds. I’d fleet between being annoyed and then just feeling very sorry for them.

I think with your friend you just have to ignore it, maybe she’ll message you if she hears, I certainly wouldn’t go texting her the news, that’s just me though.

You really can't assume that, because you reacted to losses one way, therefore anyone who doesn't react the same way must be unreasonable. Everyone's experience and ability to cope differs.

Maybe she's offended that you lumped her in with all the randoms, collegues and distant people rather than text HER with the news.

Didn't intend to sound smug in my OP and would never intentionally rub my fertility in her face. I've kept baby related posts to a bare minimum on social media, the last thing I posted that was baby related was at a 16 week (private) scan.

It's possible she may have muted me yes, but she sees another mutual friend every other day who was sending her congratulations when I announced DDs arrival, so even if she hasn't seen my post then she would have been told by the mutual friend by now as she'd have seen her, always does. I had my baby on Sunday.

Coincidentally the reason I didn't call or text her personally was because I was worried that would look insensitive on my part and like I was purposely being goady, being that I know her situation.

Is it possible she feels a bit left out / offended that she didn't hear the news from you directly? finding out on social media may have hurt her feelings

I've just seen your last comment re not contacting her personally. I see where you're coming from but I still think she may have preferred to hear it from you

Facebook may not have shown her your post (even if you haven’t been unfollowed).

Try and be happy rather than looking for drama and upset. Even if this is a deliberate snub, there’s a context to it.

Just give it time and try to concentrate on enjoying your new baby. Congratulations 💐

Don’t forget that she has no baby and you now have two. She might have been OK with you having one but this may have tipped her over the edge. I remember when we were having IVF seeing a friend announce her second pregnancy and getting very angry at the world for giving her 2 when all I wanted was one. I remember my husband had to give me a shake and tell me not to let our bad luck turn me into an unkind person. ( and we did get our DS in the end).

Jessie has a point, I found it hard when I had problems having a second DC and knew someone who had just had three. It made me think if I had none and saw people with two or three it would seem so much more unfair.

She's that close and you didn't tell her personally? I'd be pretty fucked off to at finding out by facebook OP if my close friend had her baby.

Give your head a wobble. If she was that important a friend why didn't you tell her yourself personally? But you didn't. And then have the cheek to moan that she hasn't done just that 😳

You could have texted her. Then she could decide how and when she wanted to respond. I'd imagine she's hurt that she found out on facebook at the same time as people you don't consider close.

I've been in really similar situation to your friend. My friends all announced pregnancies to me individually. Would be heart breaking to see it on fb. Infertility can make people feel like a failure. I would have thought.. I'm such a crap person even my b3st friend doesn't care to tell me her child has been born. I don't matter to anyone.
Yeah, not a very rationale thought. Maybe just me.

Points taken onboard

Fwiw I'm not mad at her and would have no right to be.

I'll reach out to her and ask how she is, we last spoke about a fortnight ago.

We aren't as close as we used to be before I moved away for sure, but I so still consider her a very dear friend because of how long we have been in one another's lives and we do talk fairly often.

I hope she's not hurt that I didn't tell her personally, I was trying not to be insensitive to her struggles by making a point of calling or texting first.

I'm sorry to those of you who have struggled to conceive. I wouldn't wish that on anybody.

Congratulations on your baby . I could easily have been your friend , infertility ( secondary in my case ) is honestly the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with . It’s all consuming and heartbreaking. Please give your friend time . She’ll come back to you .

Look I know you’ve just had a baby - do you really need her to congratulate you?

Don’t take this the wrong way but a lot of new mums think the world revolves around them and their new baby and they live in this self contained me me me bubble

I’m not saying your like that but I do think you’re reading too much into it

When you do talk to her , explain your reasoning for not wanting to text her straight away . She will appreciate your thoughtfulness.