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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dear friend not bothering to congratulate on the birth of my daughter

86 replies

Sundayschildisfullofgrace · 01/05/2019 20:47

I've very recently had our daughter, after telling close family and introducing to her sibling we then announced her arrival on Facebook to let our non local friends and distant relatives know she had arrived.

We received lots of lovely messages of congratulations and well wishes, some from people we haven't spoken to in a long time. Very kind and thoughtful.

What upset me is that one of my oldest and dearest childhood friends who we no longer live near but often chat with, hasn't so much as acknowledged her birth or asked how we are (we're mid-late 20's and have known one another since nursery)

She has been very active and commenting on other mutual friends updates throughout so she's definitely seen it but not bothered to message me. There is absolutely no way that she doesn't know and she's on social media constantly

Now, my aibu.

This friend has fertility problems and very much wants a baby of her own, because I'm aware of this fact I'm thinking I may be unreasonable to want her to be happy for us.

Then on the flip side I think I'm not being unreasonable at all as even after I suffered a miscarriage two years ago and lost my son three years prior to that- I was still happy for another friend who gave birth later in the year. As soon as I heard her baby had arrived I called her to congratulate and said how pleased I was for her and her husband. Despite my own pain I still cared about my friends.

So AIBU to think I'm being a bit shitty, or is she being a bit shitty?

OP posts:

AliceRR · 02/05/2019 09:04

When I was struggling I found Facebook posts really hard. I was perfectly capable of being happy for friends who messaged me directly with their news but for some reason FB posts were really painful.

I agree with this too re Facebook

Look I know you’ve just had a baby - do you really need her to congratulate you?

Also this.

OP I think you’re being a bit silly and need to get over yourself. Don’t obsess over getting a “congratulations” from your friend. You know your friend better than we do so you may have an idea as to whether she’d prefer a text or or to be left alone. If you’re not telling her then don’t text her to ask how she is just so she congratulates you, text her because she might be going through something.

I had a stillbirth in Feb and a friend gave birth a few weeks later. I saw the announcements on Facebook and found it hard because (1) it was that post everyone does of the pic of Mum and Baby and obviously everything was very fresh for me and (2) I thought she could have texted me to tell me. It could have been that she was being considerate in not telling me but I saw her after my baby died and while she was about 39w pregnant, I texted her about my birth and gave her advice, she even sent me an excited text to tell me she was going to be induced... I didn’t hold that against her at all but I didn’t congratulate her on Facebook as I didn’t want a notification every time someone posted. I sent her a text to congratulate her on the birth of her beautiful baby and let her know I had some nappies at home she could have to let me know when she’d like a visitor.

I also had another friend who was barely in touch at all throughout my pregnancy and after the baby was born. I don’t really do Facebook announcements (I don’t really like the self indulgence of Facebook tbh but can see the benefit of being able to reach so many) so she wouldn’t have know if I’d had the baby from Facebook. When I met up with her she was having a hard time. On paper, maybe would seem nothing like what I was dealing with, but she was clearly struggling so I let her know I was there for her because I don’t think I’m the centre of the universe and everyone has their own journey

Hope that makes sense and doesn’t seem too harsh but like a PP said everyone deals with difficulty conceiving or baby loss in different ways.

Thindragon · 02/05/2019 09:11

some people's babies just get to you more than others, when you're going through IVF. No rhyme or reason to it. Be kind to her in your heart, assume she is sad rather than nasty.

RedPanda2 · 02/05/2019 09:14

YABU and precious. You've done something huge for you but in real life it's quite ordinary. Your friend probably muted you ages ago incase you became a baby spammer.

Summersunsareglowing · 02/05/2019 09:24

I think one of your "oldest and dearest childhood friends" would have expected you to contact them directly rather than just being lumped in with everyone else on FB (especially as she has fertility problems).

my2bundles · 02/05/2019 10:19

Not everyone will be checking your profile for updates 😕your news is important to you. It's not everyone else's priority. If I see an update on fb I might respond, I certainly don't seek out updates. If she really is that important to you message her I also find it a little creepy that you have noticed she is responding to another friends posts and even seen her, then assumed you would be tne topic of conversaction Who has the time to seek out this info?

PigOnStilts · 02/05/2019 10:24

Why don't YOU be a "dear friend" and be magnanimous and check she's ok?

outvoid · 02/05/2019 10:48

I would have muted you after my miscarriages. Surely you can empathise with her having experienced losses yourself? I couldn’t cope with pregnancy/baby updates on social media whatsoever, it just caused me to meltdown. I had to remove some people because I couldn’t cope with it. I’d guess your friend has muted you so she doesn’t have to deal with it.

I know it’s sad but it’s also understandable, you have what she desperately wants.

Whoops75 · 02/05/2019 10:55

You have been pregnant 3 times and she can’t get pregnant at all.

Yours is a happy ending which must be bittersweet for your friend. Give her time and focus on your baby.

Congratulations x

onegiftedgal · 02/05/2019 12:58

YANBU, it sounds like a jealousy thing on the part of your friend.
However if you are both only mid 20s now and you say that you had a miscarriage and loss of your son 5 years ago then you are both very young (teenagers?) to have to cope with such things. Bless you and congratulations on your daughter.
Your friend will mature with age.

LynetteScavo · 02/05/2019 19:31

YABU. She's most likely in pain and can't find the words she knows she should to congratulate you.

It's not jealousy, it's also sadness, worry and fear she may never have the child she is aching for.

You need to reach out to her. Just be a friend without rubbing it in her face that you have the one thing she desperately hopes to have.

AliceRR · 02/05/2019 21:33

It's not jealousy, it's also sadness, worry and fear she may never have the child she is aching for.

Yes exactly and anyone around her having a baby is reminding her of something her is probably in pain over. It’s probably not jealousy just must be really difficult if you want children and worry you cannot have them.

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