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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Passive aggressive sister

79 replies

byjo · 01/05/2019 15:53

NC for this. Not a TAAT but a recent thread made me think to ask this hear. Genuinely want to know if IABU...

I was closeish with my sister until a few years ago, when she left her husband and broke up her family out of the blue. My DH and I are still friendly with her ex, the uncle of our DC, who didn't deserve to be treated in that way. It's a difficult situation but I've tried my best.

She has refused several invitations to visit us, since we moved away from her area. Fine, she is within her rights. She texts us greetings at holidays and so on - as you would to a distant but cordial friend.

But, confusingly, she still sends cards and gifts for most occasions (birthdays, xmas, etc.). Over the years they've become more and more soppy and demonstrative. Think "Best sister ever" etc. etc

AIBU to think she is just being mean. There is such an obvious undercurrent to them. I know she's upset with me, I know I've not been perfect but at the same time, neither has she and she can't expect everything to go her way when she has behaved badly.

Are these not jabs? IABU to think I should say something... fwiw, our DM agrees with me that they are intended to be hurtful.

OP posts:
Rosesaredead · 01/05/2019 15:55

If you say something she gets what she wants. So just ignore. It will drive her crazy

WeepingWillowWeepingWino · 01/05/2019 15:59

to quote Tom Lehrer:

A pestering sister's
a festering blister
you're best to resist her
say I

couldn't resist!

I wonder if she's beginning to regret her previous behaviour?

Neverender · 01/05/2019 16:02

You sided with her husband? She's your sister!!

Neverender · 01/05/2019 16:03

She's allowed to leave her husband without your consent. Personally, I would have chosen to support her, my sister.

formerbabe · 01/05/2019 16:04

You sound very judgemental about her ending her relationship.

Teddybear45 · 01/05/2019 16:09

A loyal sister would have supported her own sister not the ex, and wouldn’t have judged her splitting up with her ex. You were so wrong it’s unbelievable. When will you apologise?

Thegardenismine · 01/05/2019 16:12

You sided with her exH ? Wow .. My sister did this many many years ago . We haven't spoken in that time. Initially I was hoping for an apology but nothing. I used to miss her , I longed for her to make first move , but guess she thought more of someone she knew for a couple of years than her sister she had all her life. It's very sad when family don't stick together. You never know what went on behind closed doors, and sometimes it isn't clear why people split up but family should come first.

PrimrosePhantasm · 01/05/2019 16:14

It sounds like you let her down badly. Why would you side with her ex?

Moonchild1987 · 01/05/2019 16:18

OP did not side with ex husband they just remained on good terms and did not just all of the sudden cut him out of their lives and their children

Singlenotsingle · 01/05/2019 16:24

It doesn't sound as though you were given the opportunity to to side with your dsis if she just broke up with her DH and broke up with her family. You don't give us any information as to why she took this drastic step OP. Was it something he did, or was it her fault?

Seniorschoolmum · 01/05/2019 16:24

So she sends you birthday cards and texts but hasn’t been to see you.

I’m not sure why you are cross with her or think she is being passive aggressive. She isn’t being mean. She may not be able to afford to travel or may have other commitments. Can’t you just ring her and chat?

Her marriage and why she left is not for you to judge. There are always two sides to every marriage breakdown..

Sn0tnose · 01/05/2019 16:28

AIBU to think she is just being mean. There is such an obvious undercurrent to them. I know she's upset with me, I know I've not been perfect but at the same time, neither has she and she can't expect everything to go her way when she has behaved badly.

Well yes, you are being a bit unreasonable if you’re expecting a good relationship with her. Whatever she did, she did it to her husband, not to you. You sound like you’ve sided with the husband, have judged her and have taken a moral stance against her behaviour. Which obviously is your choice, but surely you’d realise that doing so would damage your relationship with your sister?

If you think that the ‘best sister’ cards are digs, then talk to her. Tell her how you feel. Either your relationship can be worked on or it’s damaged beyond all repair. At least you won’t feel attacked every time she sends you a card.

IsYourGoogleBroken · 01/05/2019 16:30

It sort of depends why she left and who has residence of the children. You dont cast out people, the parents of your neices and nephews just because a relationship has broken down. This person is still the parent of part of your extended family.

Ignore her. She wants you to react. Fire only burns if it you give it oxygen. Your DM is right.

OKBobble · 01/05/2019 16:34

The OP did side with the ex as she expresses it as he didn't deserve to be treated that way. Nobody leaves a marriage especially one with children lightly. So it does sound as though the OP has expressed judgment of her sister's actions.

Maybe it is your own guilt at not being a nice sister that makes you think her cards are passive aggressive. I think your Mum is a bit of a stirrer too to join in with your complaining about your sister.

AllFourOfThem · 01/05/2019 16:34

I know she's upset with me, I know I've not been perfect

Why don’t you apologise to her for what you have done and try to restore your relationship?

Rachelle11 · 01/05/2019 16:44

It actually sounds like she is still trying but you aren't.

Original poster
byjo · 01/05/2019 17:11

To answer a few questions, She has her DC, they share parenting.

As to why she left, she wouldn't give a clear reason at the time, and then later it all became her trying to badmouth him, which I wasn't prepared to listen to tbh as he is a decent guy. My dm speculated at the time that Dsis had had her head turned, which isnt beyond the realm of possibility.

I tried to stay out of it and keep my distance, but she got the hump over it and became a bit dramatic eventually so I decided least said would be sooner mended. That's what it comes down to. And now here we are.

OP posts:
flamed12 · 01/05/2019 17:18

It’s no ones business why she split. Regardless if she got her head turned or not - you don’t gossip and judge.

Rachelle11 · 01/05/2019 17:18

So when she tried to tell you what happened you wouldn't listen. You "stayed out of it" and she likely felt abandoned and alone.

Babooshkar · 01/05/2019 17:27

Frankly OP you sound very judgy - whatever reason your sister chose to leave her husband is not for you to pass judgement on and choosing to stay out of it all and not actually talk to her / try to support her says a lot about you. So what if her exh is a decent guy, you’re her sister fgs and you should have been there for her.

stayathomer · 01/05/2019 17:33

Sorry OP but family over everything else. You let her down and still are as you're still judging her. And what's the story about her not visiting you? Have you gone to visit her? You need to re read your post OP

GinUp · 01/05/2019 17:40

So your mum has been busy gossiping with you about your sister 'having her head turned' and again about the cards.

You decided that you didn't want to listen to your sister's reasons for the break-up (not that she should have to give you a reason!).

You and your DH have essentially sided with your sister's ex.

And now you've decided she's "being mean" for sending cards and gifts. Hmm

Your poor sister.

Janedoughnut · 01/05/2019 17:41

I went through a divorce and luckily had friends to talk to which included telling them things ex had done. Had any told me to stop badmouthing him and that they didn't want to get involved I wouldn't have thought they were much of a friend.

hazell42 · 01/05/2019 18:11

She had the right to leave a relationship for any reason at all, or no reason at all.
No one 'deserves' to be left, but no one deserves to have to stay in a relationship that does not make them happy either.
Your disapproval of your sister's actions is obvious.
It seems that she does still want a relationship with you. She sends texts and cards. You dont say what you send her. Could she be feeling your disapproval.
I have no idea why you perceive these actions as PA. Perhaps they are. Or perhaps your sister felt wounded at the time of her marriage breakdown and couldn't speak about it at the time but would now like your support, or just wishes to rekindle your sibling relationship
Just because she instigated divorce doesn't mean she wasnt hurting too

slashlover · 01/05/2019 18:41

became her trying to badmouth him, which I wasn't prepared to listen to tbh as he is a decent guy.

How do you know what happened behind closed doors?

For example, how many women have come on here and said they are being abused but can't leave because all their friends and families think their DH is amazing?