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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Passive aggressive sister

79 replies

byjo · 01/05/2019 15:53

NC for this. Not a TAAT but a recent thread made me think to ask this hear. Genuinely want to know if IABU...

I was closeish with my sister until a few years ago, when she left her husband and broke up her family out of the blue. My DH and I are still friendly with her ex, the uncle of our DC, who didn't deserve to be treated in that way. It's a difficult situation but I've tried my best.

She has refused several invitations to visit us, since we moved away from her area. Fine, she is within her rights. She texts us greetings at holidays and so on - as you would to a distant but cordial friend.

But, confusingly, she still sends cards and gifts for most occasions (birthdays, xmas, etc.). Over the years they've become more and more soppy and demonstrative. Think "Best sister ever" etc. etc

AIBU to think she is just being mean. There is such an obvious undercurrent to them. I know she's upset with me, I know I've not been perfect but at the same time, neither has she and she can't expect everything to go her way when she has behaved badly.

Are these not jabs? IABU to think I should say something... fwiw, our DM agrees with me that they are intended to be hurtful.

OP posts:
Sofagirl · 01/05/2019 18:54

It sounds like your sister is trying to reach out to you but isn’t necessarily getting the emotional support or family loyalty she would like

Who knows, her behaviour and her judgement may have been off

But I wouldn’t recommend taking sides esp her ex over her side

It’s how families disintegrate

Drogosnextwife · 01/05/2019 18:59

Why weren't you prepared to listen? A lot of abusive men come across to everyone else as "decent guys". Not saying that's what happened bit it's possible.

OKBobble · 01/05/2019 19:18

Your later post made you sound even worse than the original post.

Your poor sister!

Original poster
byjo · 01/05/2019 19:20

@Sofagirl It’s how families disintegrate

But surely she is the one who disintegrated her own family though?? that is what I can't get my head around.

I am supposed to apologise to her, for her own actions, that she chose?

I didn't behave perfectly, maybe I should have been more open to entertaining the blame game... but it was her who started the need for the whole situation in the first place.

OP posts:
Sofagirl · 01/05/2019 19:21

You say she doesn’t visit you

Would you be able to visit her?

Rachelle11 · 01/05/2019 19:24

She left her dh. Why is this so hard for you to get your head around? Why are you so attached to her having to stay married? You are acting like she left your family.

Maybe83 · 01/05/2019 19:24

Because she wasn't happy clearly. Why should she have stayed in relationship that she didnt want to!

slashlover · 01/05/2019 19:25

@byjo Again, how do you know he's a 'decent guy' behind closed doors? You don't. You're assuming that because he seems nice that your sister has no reason for leaving. When she tries to explain her feelings then you shut her down.

Sagradafamiliar · 01/05/2019 19:27

Tell me this is a reverse. Surely to God ...

Doyoumind · 01/05/2019 19:27

She left her husband, surely with good reason and you didn't want to hear her reasons?

I left an abusive man. You would be surprised how many people never thought he was 'like that'. It is incredibly painful to go through something and not be believed.

Her ex may not have been abusive but things weren't right between them and for you to have chosen him above her is a total betrayal and she is probably very upset.

Gentlemanwiththistledownhair · 01/05/2019 19:29

Often even if your ex is a good guy (and you know it) you need to go through a period of bad mouthing them to get over it. It's part of the grieving process.

And you still grieve a relationship even if you were the one to end it.

pictish · 01/05/2019 19:30

Ehhh...hold on OP. What went on in their home behind their door is known only to them and their marriage is not subject to any say from you.
She doesn’t have to justify leaving her marriage and it doesn’t have to be because she ‘had her head turned’. Maybe she didn’t love him any more. Maybe he wasn’t a decent guy indoors.You day she badmouthed him. Maybe she was telling the truth and that’s why she left him?
Why on earth have you judged her for leaving her husband and taken his side??

QueenofallIsee · 01/05/2019 19:32

You could be my sister but for the fact I don’t really do cards! When you choose any person over your family (except in very extreme cases), it’s on you to sort it out. You withdrew you support from you sister when she needed it and that has consequences

hazell42 · 01/05/2019 19:36

I am supposed to apologise to her, for her own actions, that she chose?

Why not just apologise to her for your actions, which you chose?

Relationships break down. Why are you so invested in attaching blame to your sister. She was unhappy, for whatever reason, and she left. She was entitled to do that. Very very few people break up a marriage for no reason, especially with children. She doesn't need to run those reasons past you. She doesn't need to explain herself. She was unhappy. That is enough.

You have said several times, you have done and said things you shouldn't have. Apologise for them and build bridges with your sister. And stop judging her.

OKBobble · 01/05/2019 19:37

As I said before and perhaps using your own words will make things clearer for you nobody "disintegrates" their family especially when children are involved lightly or an a whim. Your sister will have had her reasons whatever they were. You haven't even ever made the effort to ascertain these and have sided with her nice guy DH, which he may be or he may not be.

In any event as you are posting in AIBU then yes you are and judgy and frankly not very nice.

pictish · 01/05/2019 19:38

“I am supposed to apologise to her, for her own actions, that she chose?

I didn't behave perfectly, maybe I should have been more open to entertaining the blame game... but it was her who started the need for the whole situation in the first place. “

It was her who started the need for the whole thing in the first place? What do you mean? You’re behaving as though she has done you a wrong by leaving her husband. Yes you should apologise to her...her ‘actions’ didn’t impact on you...it’s essentially none of your business. She can choose to leave her marriage if she wants to. She’s not answerable to you. It’s called autonomy. Google it.

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 01/05/2019 19:43

loyal sister would have supported her own sister not the ex, and wouldn’t have judged her splitting up with her ex. You were so wrong it’s unbelievable. When will you apologise? bollocks!

You do not have to dump your in-laws just because your sibling breaks up with them. Nor do you have to indulge in bad mouthing them and you are absolutely allowed to talk about why it happened with your own mum. Ffs!

BollocksToBrexit · 01/05/2019 19:49

You can't get your head around it because you weren't prepared to listen.

Saharafordessert · 01/05/2019 19:57

Maybe an apology to your sister would go a long way to fixing your relationship.
You could visit her?
I imagine she feels very banged up on by you and DM.

Saharafordessert · 01/05/2019 19:57

Sorry....ganged up on!!

BishopofBathandWells · 01/05/2019 19:57

I didn't think the cards sounded passive aggressive. It sounds to me like, over the years, she's come to miss you more and more and is sending cards that represent those feelings.

I totally agree that you don't necessarily chuck out a former in-law. But you don't pick a side against your own sibling, IMO.

Original poster
byjo · 01/05/2019 20:00

It was her who started the need for the whole thing in the first place? What do you mean? You’re behaving as though she has done you a wrong by leaving her husband. Yes you should apologise to her...her ‘actions’ didn’t impact on you

Sorry what I mean is, she was the one who took this massive step and hurt her own family, took her DC away from their DF half the time etc.

And I disagree, it had a huge impact on our family (me & DH & DC).. We went from spending time together as an extended family, having meals etc., just normal peaceful family times, to drama and upset all the time, not able to behave normally around our DC, etc. It was a massive impact. I was angry about it, of course I was and that made it difficult. but I moved on and let it lie. In any event we then moved away so it was moot in the end.

Unfortunately she can't do me the same kindness? She has to have digs about it. Perhaps I am reading too much into the cards. It is just hard because I didn't want things to be this way, but I was doing the best I could. may be IABU so I should just let her get on with it.

OP posts:
TypeA · 01/05/2019 20:01

Do you really not see how up your own arse you sound? Fucking hell. The world doesn't revolve around you.

KatieHack · 01/05/2019 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kbPOW · 01/05/2019 20:02

I'd say you're lucky she has any contact with you at all.

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