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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Passive aggressive sister

79 replies

byjo · 01/05/2019 15:53

NC for this. Not a TAAT but a recent thread made me think to ask this hear. Genuinely want to know if IABU...

I was closeish with my sister until a few years ago, when she left her husband and broke up her family out of the blue. My DH and I are still friendly with her ex, the uncle of our DC, who didn't deserve to be treated in that way. It's a difficult situation but I've tried my best.

She has refused several invitations to visit us, since we moved away from her area. Fine, she is within her rights. She texts us greetings at holidays and so on - as you would to a distant but cordial friend.

But, confusingly, she still sends cards and gifts for most occasions (birthdays, xmas, etc.). Over the years they've become more and more soppy and demonstrative. Think "Best sister ever" etc. etc

AIBU to think she is just being mean. There is such an obvious undercurrent to them. I know she's upset with me, I know I've not been perfect but at the same time, neither has she and she can't expect everything to go her way when she has behaved badly.

Are these not jabs? IABU to think I should say something... fwiw, our DM agrees with me that they are intended to be hurtful.

OP posts:
BirdieInTheHand · 01/05/2019 20:06

Christ your poor sister! You've behaved terribly!

paleimitation · 01/05/2019 20:06

You make it sound like you wanted your sister to stay in an unhappy marriage to suit your social situation.

QueenofallIsee · 01/05/2019 20:07

Well OF COURSE she should have stayed in a failing marriage now you put it like that! I hadn’t realised you had dinners that you missed out on 🙄

purpleme12 · 01/05/2019 20:07

So what you're actually saying is no one should ever separate regardless of the circumstances? Your sister should have thought of you rather than her and you would like a perfect extended family (from the outside) at all costs? That's what you're saying here

Sofagirl · 01/05/2019 20:09

It actually sounds like your blaming your sister for ruining the perfect harmonious family setup and you still resent her for that

That’s quite worrying

Now she’s the one on her own?

She’s the vulnerable one

Jeschara · 01/05/2019 20:10

You sound very judgey, I don't think you are aware how you come across in your posts. I think you are making this all about you. The good times you had are not the same and you are resentful.
Stop Making it all about you and apologise to your sister, you were less than supportive.

hazell42 · 01/05/2019 20:12

I think that deep down this upset between you doesn't lie well with you, and the cards make you feel guilty.
When she sends you a card that says 'best sister' does it upset you because you believe she is being PA or because, deep down, you know that you have not supported her and you feel guilty.
I think you have taken your sister's marriage break up very personally. Is there a reason for this? Does it bring up feelings of loss, or make you feel that nothing in life is certain if seemingly happy marriages can go wrong.
Whatever your reasons, I do think you need to get over them, if there is ever to be a chance of reconciliation between you.
And the only way to do that is to talk to her, and, more importantly, to listen to her. You don't have to take every word she says as gospel. But there truly are 2 sides to every story, and I guarantee that she didn't wake up one day and abandon her marriage on a whim.
I find it hard to believe that you would be this angry for so long unless their marriage breakdown had some personal significance for you.
Perhaps it is time to consider them and let your anger go

kbPOW · 01/05/2019 20:14

As you have literally no idea, just to point out that you know nothing about the life yur sister had with her ex and less than nothing about what kind of person he was to her. Also, it is classic abuser behaviour to try and pick off their victim's family members, so let's hope he's every bit as lovely as you've decided. Because if you've got it all wrong, you've fucked up spectacularly. Even if he's basically a decent person, your sister has every right to end the relationship.

Janedoughnut · 01/05/2019 20:15

Bloody hell op you're angry with your sister because she left her marriage because it means you can't all go out and have meals together!!

Doyoumind · 01/05/2019 20:23

You are digging yourself a bigger hole with each post OP. It's not about you. Her family broke up. I'm sure it's not what she dreamed of. Poor you getting caught up in it because she couldn't put on a brave face and play happy families. You were pissed off she messed up your family get-togethers and decided to play happy families with her ex. You aren't a good sister. You might be the one whose marriage ends one day.

BitOfANameChange · 01/05/2019 20:24

As to why she left, she wouldn't give a clear reason at the time, and then later it all became her trying to badmouth him, which I wasn't prepared to listen to tbh as he is a decent guy.

And how would you know if he was a decent guy? You only saw what he was like outside the privacy of your sister's relationship.

It's attitudes like yours that kept me with an abuser long after I should have left. People would say he was so lovely and helpful, and how lucky I was. And I was so unhappy.

But even if he was a decent guy, your sister had the right to leave the relationship if it wasn't working for her. She must have been unhappy to think about leaving with kids, it's not an easy thing to do.

But no, you haven't bothered to listen to your sister, you've just ignored her when she's "bad-mouthing" because you've already judged her, preferring to side with the ex.

I've told a few people a little of why I finally left. But not everything, because I don't want to discuss, for example, the sexual abuse outside of counselling. So I know my ex is busy peddling the "good guy" image, and that one or two people at least have questioned my leaving him because "he's so nice".

BonnyBarbara · 01/05/2019 20:36

Maybe her ex didn't deserve to the treated that way however.... you don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

I'd be pretty gutted if I was in your sister's position and my family sided with my ex. You can maintain a relationship with your sister's ex by all means, imho but siding with him is something else.

That's just my view. I'd be pretty devastated if I was your sister.

MayFayner · 01/05/2019 20:42

her trying to badmouth him

What was the exact content of this “badmouthing” because this will give you a clue as to what your sister’s reasons were for ending the relationship.

Your mum “speculated” she might have had “her head turned” and you agreed. That sounds like a nice cosy chat you had with your mum, while excluding your sister. It’s nice to be the good girl isnt it?!

Imagine if it was your marriage that ended and your sister and your mum had that chat about you. How would you feel?

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 01/05/2019 20:48

I'm glad you are not my sister. Hopefully she has good friends that support her because her family certainly doesn't.

You seem to lack any self awareness and don't sound very nice in your posts.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 01/05/2019 20:51

Hi OP

Are you reading the responses on here? I know it's difficult but most people are saying you might have been unreasonable in not listening to your sister.

Yes she might have left on a whim or because she 'had her head turned'. Or it could have been that behind closed doors he was an arse, lazy, abusive or just so awful to live with she was better off single.

Why didn't you believe her when she said bad things about him? Why do you think its beyond the realms of possibility that he was nice to everyone else but impossible to live with? Can you imagine how horrible it must be to work up the courage to leave a horrible situation and disrupt your kids lives and then to have your own family blame you for breaking up their cosy family dinners? That's not the most important thing here. You seem more annoyed about that than anything else

She might be being PA because she tried listening to you and you didn't want to hear it

Michaelbaubles · 01/05/2019 20:52

I left my exH, broke up my family, and never gave anyone else a clear reason. And he’s a decent guy. So fucking what?

My family still had my back, didn’t need to know the gory details (not that there were any), they just trusted me enough to know there was a reason for it all and that was all I needed.

I never judge anyone for what they do in relationships - we’re all human and flawed, believe it or not, and I honestly think very very few people do things with the intention of hurting or screwing up others.

DesertSky · 01/05/2019 20:52

I know families aren’t always perfect but to me personally family is important. For whatever reasons your sister ended her marriage, she is your sister and it must have been heartbreaking not having your support. It sounds like you sided with her husband and punished her for leaving him. It’s not your business why they split. I don’t think your sister is being passive aggressive at all, it sounds like she is grieving for a sister who abandoned her when she needed you. Sorry OP but I’m just being honest.

Michaelbaubles · 01/05/2019 20:53

And even if she did have her head turned of leave on a whim, so what? Life is long, we all make mistakes, move on.

Hopeygoflightly · 01/05/2019 21:13

She’s your SISTER, no way I would have chosen the ex over a sibling

Rachelle11 · 01/05/2019 21:22

My brother admittedly screwed up two marriages. He cheated on both his wives much like our own father did. When he called me about this last marriage he was bawling because he was so ashamed of himself. I hate cheating. I am younger and was the one at home when our parents split up and my father proceeded to cheat on every woman that came after my mom as well. I also liked both his wives. I could have lost my crap on him and ignored him but I didn't. And honestly we've never even been that close. But family is family. He needed support and I gave it, even though he was clearly in the wrong. I also have managed to have a relationship with his ex-wives. I didn't cheat on them, or divorce them, and my heart broke for them. I have always tried my best to let them know how sad I am for everything they've gone through , but I would never abandon my db over this. Even though his behaviour hugely offends me. Not only offends but triggers me as I have my own trust issues with men. But he's my brother and it's not about me. He was in pain and I stepped up because that's what family does.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 01/05/2019 21:25

If you genuinely want to know then, yes, YABU. Your poor sister. She must have been very hurt.

BishopofBathandWells · 01/05/2019 21:43

I wonder if the OP will return, after 90% of the posts agree that she's being unreasonable?

pictish · 01/05/2019 21:49

OP I know what you meant.
You are being very unreasonable. Your sister is not obliged to remain in an unhappy marriage to suit your bloody agenda.
You can’t even see it. You’re that far gone.
There’s no advising you.

kbPOW · 01/05/2019 22:45

OP has sneaked into her sister's garden and is secretly planting out a floral arrangement that, when it blooms, will say 'sorry for being a bastard'

Littlechocola · 01/05/2019 22:50

I wonder if you are my sister.
What she doesn’t know is that xh was abusive on many levels. On the outside he was a good man, a good father.
I didn’t tell my family because they worship him. Either way I lose.

Op, your sister left her husband and you left her.

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