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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want dh to earn more ?

78 replies

Poivrotte · 01/05/2019 15:49

because I"m fed up of being responsible of paying for all the extras, all the holidays...I match up his salary because I'm so fed up of paying more..he never has money. It was my 40th and he got me nothing (I didn't want him to put it on credit card), Christmas the same. I arranged week end away and I pay for it all. I have savings he has none. Do not think I'm treating myself while he has nothing, I'm working 60 hours a week in a pressured job plus I'm in charge of the childcare, house admin, pretty much all the cooking.

I resent him so much, when we met he sold himself as someone driven and ambitious...he has been 20years in the same job, very little salary increase, rare bonuses, I got him a training for xmas 2017 and he hasn't finished it yet since he discovered he has 2 years to finish it. it feels it only goes one way and I can't take it anymore...he told me he thinks one of the kids needs tutoring, who is going to pay for it ? me

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 01/05/2019 15:50

Is he over spending? Sounds like it! He needs to stop doing that

Original poster
Poivrotte · 01/05/2019 15:50

yes he is living over his means I believe

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 01/05/2019 15:52

Time to sit down together and have a review of the household finances.

StealthPolarBear · 01/05/2019 15:54

What is he spending on

Purpleartichoke · 01/05/2019 15:58

Is your household in general also living above his means. Did you select a home he could afford? Base number of children on what he could afford?

I’ve got family members that work in very demanding, skilled jobs that just don’t really allow for much money or any advancement. Without knowing the type of job he has it is hard to say if he is being unreasonable by not earning more

Iggly · 01/05/2019 15:58

Are your finances completely separate? How do you actually split things?

IsYourGoogleBroken · 01/05/2019 15:59

I got him a training for xmas 2017 and he hasn't finished it yet since he discovered he has 2 years to finish it

Did he want the training though?

Hisnamesblaine · 01/05/2019 15:59

What does he buy? Just stuff for himself?

yellowpolkadots101 · 01/05/2019 16:00

I think it seems to be more about who he is as a person rather then the actual amount he earns from the sounds of it.

Does he make an effort in the home, are jobs etc split between you? Birthday presents... did he treat you at all? You can make a day special without necessarily spending much money (e.g nice picnic in the park).

My dp earns quite a lot less than me but hes still brilliant at saving and I feel like were a team. We split jobs between us and we both tend to put birthday money into a holiday fund for each other but we still go for a day out but dont spend much money!

I think if your partner was still giving his share in other ways it wouldn't be so much of a problem!

Original poster
Poivrotte · 01/05/2019 16:01

I keep a budget and don't go over it - we have money left each month because I put more in joint bank account. I work more because if I didn't existence will be sad - I just want him to match up my effort. Is it horrible to get a gift for your 40th ?

OP posts:
NameChangeNugget · 01/05/2019 16:04

He would drive me up the wall.

SihtricsHorseWitnere · 01/05/2019 16:06

You need to review finances together.

Fiveredbricks · 01/05/2019 16:08

You need a divorce tbh. You'd be better off financially and mentally without him. You're doing it all anyway 🤷

Original poster
Poivrotte · 01/05/2019 16:34

Ok to answer as much as possible: we have a joint account and put the same amount, the rest goes in other account. Regarding the training, he always said he wanted to do it but did nothing about it so I bought it for him. We tried to : me putting much more money so we could both have pocket money then I realised he was taking the mic with it..he had money to go out at Xmas but no money for xmas gift for example (a regular occurrence) ...to be honest I have enough to be taken for granted ! Yes he does lots of laundry, yes he is a friendly guy but I'm a nice person who works extra hard so my family can be comfortable. I have to fork 3000 pounds from next month on braces for one of the kids because he can't have it on the nhs.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 01/05/2019 16:35

Is it too late to send him back as missold?

You don't seem to like him much and I wonder what your incentive is for continuing with the marriage. Did he want the training you bought him?

ilovesooty · 01/05/2019 16:36

Cross post.

CanuckBC · 01/05/2019 16:37

It sounds like he makes the same as you? Does he spend without thought? What does he spend “his” money on? Does he have an expensive hobby or does he just not think of things when he spends?

Time to sit down either together or with a financial planner of some sort and get it all down on paper. In coming, outgoing and a good budget for all. Then money can be allotted fairly. He has only so much to spend as do you. Hopefully that will help him see things more clearly.

Have you told him this is driving you to the brink? Maybe after or before the financial planning, couples counseling as he obviously sees things differently and if you can’t see eye to eye this could be the end of your relationship

Meandwinealone · 01/05/2019 16:38

So you told him not to get you a present and then you’re upset he didn’t get you a present.

I mean I hate to be harsh, but people don’t turn into this type of person. THEY WERE ALWAYS this type of person. And you trying to change him to not be this type of person isn’t going to work. It will just mean you resent him. Which is pretty clear already.

Original poster
Poivrotte · 01/05/2019 16:43

I told him not get the present because I didn’t want him to use the credit card. We are not earning the same, I earn more but I match his salary and the rest goes in saving so we can pretend we both earn the same. He wanted the training to boost his chances at finding a better paid job. He has a hobby which cost nothing, he is in his phone a lot and yes I blow my top off since I was told one of the kids needs tutoring which I will pay for.

OP posts:
blackcat86 · 01/05/2019 16:44

So if you earn the same than it's not really that needs to earn more by the sound of it. Does he work as many hours as you? I do get the frustration as DH is crap with money and really doesn't get it. I charge him keep per month so I know all the bills are paid. Could you do this rather than having the joint account which you then have to top up? Surely he should be doing more around the house if he isn't pulling his weight financially.

Original poster
Poivrotte · 01/05/2019 16:46

He knows he drives me mental - we argue about it all the time, we only argue about it. He bullshit me into believing he is going to find a better paid job so I don’t have to work so hard and take a bit of back seat but it never happens. He paid for his cv and letter to be done, it gave nothing. We live in a nice area and we made the decision together, we told each other we needed to maximise our potential earning but he did nothing

OP posts:
MIdgebabe · 01/05/2019 16:52

SO you earn more than him. As a couple, you are able to save. If you are married, it’s shared savings not yours.

You want hI my to earn more , perhaps by work8ng harder?

Why? Because you want to spend more but don’t want to spend the money you earn?

Does he want to earn more?

BobLemon · 01/05/2019 16:55

Ah, with you now about “match his salary”. So you and him are as if you’re exactly the same net position each month? You save it and don’t touch it, ever?

In which case, the scenario sounds frustrating and a bit worrying. Where on Earth is his money going???

Meandwinealone · 01/05/2019 17:04

Many people have different salaries but believe their money is family money. I don’t think this is about money, it may be about him not being the person you thought or wanted him to be. Which is a much bigger issue.

TooTrueToBeGood · 01/05/2019 17:05

I was initially going to post to say stop topping up his salary because you're just facilitating his lack of motivation. Then I realised I was being hypocritical. I also top up my wife's money so that we both have equal discretionary spending money. She works part-time at NMW whereas I have a high salary.

In that way you and I are similar yet I have never resented the imbalance in income. I guess because I love the bones of her and what she brings to our relationship in other ways more than makes up for her lower earnings.

So I guess I'm left wondering if this issue for you is just the cherry on top of a generally crap relationship or are you overly fixated with money?

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