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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want dh to earn more ?

78 replies

Poivrotte · 01/05/2019 15:49

because I"m fed up of being responsible of paying for all the extras, all the holidays...I match up his salary because I'm so fed up of paying more..he never has money. It was my 40th and he got me nothing (I didn't want him to put it on credit card), Christmas the same. I arranged week end away and I pay for it all. I have savings he has none. Do not think I'm treating myself while he has nothing, I'm working 60 hours a week in a pressured job plus I'm in charge of the childcare, house admin, pretty much all the cooking.

I resent him so much, when we met he sold himself as someone driven and ambitious...he has been 20years in the same job, very little salary increase, rare bonuses, I got him a training for xmas 2017 and he hasn't finished it yet since he discovered he has 2 years to finish it. it feels it only goes one way and I can't take it anymore...he told me he thinks one of the kids needs tutoring, who is going to pay for it ? me

OP posts:
Meandwinealone · 01/05/2019 17:06

She means she matches his salary into the joint account. And she has her leftover savings which go on extras. Which he can’t do.

Original poster
Poivrotte · 01/05/2019 17:09

I don't know what to do anymore. We have lots of outgoings, 2 teenage kids. I don't spend much on myself apart from the odd clothing. What I get from all of this, maybe I should scale down my work. If I was to earn the exactly the same as him, I wouldn't be able to save. No security for emergency, no holiday, no treats..

Ongoing argument for the last 10 years, if he really wanted to climb the career ladder, he would have done it already. I know deep down. When I'm not upset about it, we are ok and have a goo time but this morning I was indirectly asked to pay for tutoring. He added on my already heavy mental load.

OP posts:
Original poster
Poivrotte · 01/05/2019 17:10

English is not my first language I'm afraid and I'm upset so please accept my apologies for not being clear or drip feeding

OP posts:
ifonly4 · 01/05/2019 17:11

All of our money goes into one pot (admittedly DH works more hours and earns a lot more). Not sure what your income is, but we have £120 each to spend as we wish (clothes, going out, coffee, presents) - we always managed to buy eachother gifts and I think we'd both have been hurt if we hadn't done something for special birthdays. Sounds like he isn't managing his money well and needs a reality check - some couples don't give to eachother which is fine if it's a mutual thing, but your OH should be the most important person in your life - the only other person who would take priority over a present is my DD as I don't think neither of her would see her go without for special occasions.

GeorgeTheFirst · 01/05/2019 17:12

So you earn more and do all the life work. Would you resent him less if he did more of the household admin, cleaning, cooking, shopping?

Meandwinealone · 01/05/2019 17:12

But you do realise this is much bigger than the money. As someone else said on here. They’re happy to put more in the pot,
You really need to look at how you actually feel about him. You can’t change people.

Original poster
Poivrotte · 01/05/2019 17:13

@TooTrueToBeGood - most of the time I'm like you, yesterday again I was telling how much I love him and he was probably the funniest of men. I grew up with constant money insecurities and my parents were constantly struggling and screaming at each other as a result, I work so fucking hard not to be in that position ever

OP posts:
ZippyBungleandGeorge · 01/05/2019 17:15

I get it OP for me it wouldn't even really be about the money, although you should've have to work sixty hours a week in order for you as a family to save, I think there's little that's less attractive than a lack of motivation, drive and ambition, it's a real turn off to me and would lead to me not resourcing my partner. My DH has just started a post grad professional qualification partly because he's bored and wants to push himself at work and partly to increase his opportunities and earning potential especially now we have a child. I don't expect him to do this to support me, I earn more than he does anyway, but being with someone who wants to be better, is preferable than being with someone stagnant and in a rut and is the attitude I want our DS to grow up with.

RedSkyLastNight · 01/05/2019 17:15

So basically this is a case that you earn more than DH and resent that it is "your" money paying for the extras?

You don't sound like a family that is actually short of money, so maybe he doesn't see the need to earn more? Have you thought about working less, if you begrudge doing so?

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 01/05/2019 17:15

*shouldn't have to work sixty hours

Original poster
Poivrotte · 01/05/2019 17:17

GeorgeThefirst - no I wouldn't resent him, I could focus more on my lovely job which I love but I told him that and he does more for a while then it stops, he is never consistent

OP posts:
Sn0tnose · 01/05/2019 17:19

I suspect it would be a lot easier to cope with if you weren’t responsible for everything else as well and he was pulling his weight with childcare, housework etc.

The thing is, you have fundamentally different ideas about what he should contribute to the household. It’s possible that you could give him an ultimatum and that this could shock him into shouldering some of the burden, but it’s more likely that he won’t. So the question to ask yourself is whether you can carry on like this for the rest of your lives together if he doesn’t change.

Original poster
Poivrotte · 01/05/2019 17:22

I'm proud to be able to provide for my family but man I wish he could take care of a situation without involving and paying the extra for once ? I just had enough today, I'm sure tomorrow will be better but today fuck it ...I thought I was going to be slammed big time but so far not too bad, it's great to hear about other family, how they do it, I feel better already

OP posts:
Original poster
Poivrotte · 01/05/2019 17:24

I kicked his butt to his dad 3 months ago and swore that was it - today here we are, the snail stage, he hasn't moved an inch.

OP posts:
Dragongirl10 · 01/05/2019 17:26

sadly op he is not what you want him to be, he is not driven, ambitious or likely to ever change....

Put aside the frustration for a couple of hours, go somewhere quiet and really think about what you want , a divorce?, him to step up with chores?, him to make sure he prioritises presents, rather than himself? what would be enough to make you happy...or is there nothing now?.

once you have decided then tell him. Good luck

downcasteyes · 01/05/2019 17:27

There are several problems that are not money related in there that I think must be every bit as stressful as the financial issue

  • he doesn't help around the house
  • he doesn't pull his weight as a parent
  • he doesn't put money aside to make you feel special or to do anything caring
  • he doesn't take life opportunities that are offered to him

And on top of this, he isn't driven at work and is happy to let you pick up the slack.

What exactly do you get out of being married to him, OP?

downcasteyes · 01/05/2019 17:28

PS My exP was exactly like him. Leaving and then trading up to a better model = the best decision I ever made.

DogInATent · 01/05/2019 17:29

Hang on, this is unclear. But it sounds like:

  1. All of his salary goes into the joint account.
  2. You match that contribution to the joint account, plus a bit more, and put the remainder into your savings account.
  3. You manage the budget and his salary isn't enough to meet 50% of household expenditure.

Maybe I'm missing something, but if he can't use the credit card to buy a present, the joint account only just meets outgoings, and all of his salary is going to the joint account.... where's the surplus he could use to buy a present to come from?

we told each other we needed to maximise our potential earning but he did nothing
You told each other, or you told him? What's your view and what's his view on work:life balance?

NoHolidaysforyou · 01/05/2019 17:54

I don't understand this thread. Just because he doesn't have a high salary, doesn't mean he doesn't work hard. If he is caring and loyal to you, that's what matters not his ability to spoil his family with material possessions. I'm sure he would love to be paid more too, everyone would.

There is also a good chance that he wouldn't be the same man if he was more driven at work either he would be more competitive and he might be more competitive against his peers to show off his ability to get a younger gold digging mistress. I'm just saying the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

If you have issues with the housework that is a separate issue but I would not try to humiliate him for his lack of salary.

wLuytgNx · 01/05/2019 17:54

OP - I could have typed your original post....... I'm in the same situation. I work over 60 hours a week and although we are 50/50 to all the bills I always pay for meals, trips, holidays and he "pays me back" which means £10 here and there until we "forget" or let it go. I am growing resentful and it's now infuriating me.

I'm ambitious, I'm also studying and I miss out time with my DS because I'm working constantly - But if I didn't do that evening work I wouldn't be able to give my DS the trips and the amazing birthdays and the clothes, toys he wants etc.

The lack of drive, ambition is such a turn off. He refuses to go for promotions or do extra at work. It's grating on me!!

Do I throw 13+ years away because I can't get accept the imbalance and understand that he is just not like me and we are totally different? Or appreciate that he does the bedtimes, is an amazing dad and therefore it's just a role reversal ? and I need to suck it up?

Op I totally get your frustrations! I have a SS so when OH splashes out and can afford to pay his ex for his DS's new clothes for example, but can't afford to give me half of our DS's new school clothes..... it drives me mental!

Blenderthemakeupwitch · 01/05/2019 17:56

Op, i hear you, had same.

When i met my now ex DH i came into the relationship with twice the money he had. I had owned properties ( from nothing) and he had not, rented all his life, despite having savings and he could have bought. . He enjoyed renting and the no responsibility! Red flag looking back. If it were not for my ( substantial well over £150k in early 2000's ) money we would not have had the properties and lifestyle we had/have now. We had 2 DC's , i did all cooking cleaning, child rearing, washing ,ironing,finances, banking,diy , working, the lot! Over the years i asked DH to climb the jobs ladder/acquire new skills/retrain/MBA/anything. Nothing. He has the same job title today as he had when i met him over 17 yrs ago.

He is/was not ambitious nor eager to learn new skills to help me and our family out or better our situation. I spoke to him repeatedly over the yrs asking him to step up and nods and agreements then the same flat line from him.

He is a good man and a good father but i could no longer tolerate doing it all and never getting anywhere and we split early last year. My DC's and I are the happiest we have been and are now going places again.

I think OP your DH is like my exDH and he is not ambitious , ambition is not on his radar and that ultimately affects all that you and your DC's can have, all that you and your DC's can experience and all that you and your DC's can enjoy from this life. He is just not that kind of man.

So, you need to decide if you are happy or not. I decided i wasn't and struck back out on my own and have never been happier. My exDH had many opportunities to better and push himself and to make all our lives easier but he decided each time to put himself first. Thats fine. His life, his choice. I wasn't prepared to live that life for me or my children as i work, always have and always want more from this life for my DC's and I.

My children and i deserve the best opportunities that money earned from hard work and career progression can buy, alongside love, affection and respect. If you are giving but not receiving any of the above back, you can do this alone OP and maybe one day meet someone who shares your values.

There is a world out there to enjoy OP. Go enjoy it!

Littlechocola · 01/05/2019 18:03

Does all of his family go in the joint account?
If so then yes yabu, you have extra so you pay the extras. If you don’t want holidays, tutors etc don’t have them.

Does he have anything for himself?

Xenadog · 01/05/2019 18:10

TBH I would be gone. 60 hours a week and picking up all the slack at home. No thanks. Working long hours fine, putting extra into the pot fine but doing both when the other person doesn’t, not fine.

I’d be annoyed too if he sold himself at the start as someone who is ambitious and driven and then proven himself to be someone who plods along. There isn’t anything wrong with being a plodder (that’s what I have become since I had dd and it was agreed between myself and DP) but if you make out you’re going to be a go getter and then you’re not, sorry I’d be gone,

MirriVan · 01/05/2019 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovesooty · 01/05/2019 18:17

Find yourself a more ambitious man then.
What did you expect from a paid for generic CV and cover letter BTW?

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