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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want dh to earn more ?

78 replies

Poivrotte · 01/05/2019 15:49

because I"m fed up of being responsible of paying for all the extras, all the holidays...I match up his salary because I'm so fed up of paying more..he never has money. It was my 40th and he got me nothing (I didn't want him to put it on credit card), Christmas the same. I arranged week end away and I pay for it all. I have savings he has none. Do not think I'm treating myself while he has nothing, I'm working 60 hours a week in a pressured job plus I'm in charge of the childcare, house admin, pretty much all the cooking.

I resent him so much, when we met he sold himself as someone driven and ambitious...he has been 20years in the same job, very little salary increase, rare bonuses, I got him a training for xmas 2017 and he hasn't finished it yet since he discovered he has 2 years to finish it. it feels it only goes one way and I can't take it anymore...he told me he thinks one of the kids needs tutoring, who is going to pay for it ? me

OP posts:
RomanyQueen1 · 01/05/2019 18:20

First of all, why are you doing everything? He is a parent with a spouse too.

Secondly, why do you have separate money rather than all money is family money.

Thirdly, Why can't you live within your means? We can't afford holidays so don't have them.

He can't care much if he doesn't get you a present. Stop doing everything, pool money and for ffs treat yourself.

butididnttickthebox · 01/05/2019 18:25

What is he spending his money on?

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 01/05/2019 18:26

I'm not sure who's right here. What strikes me is that if I had a DP constantly barking at me to be a go getter and earn more, and buying me training I hadn't chosen to pursue for myself, I wouldn't be impressed. It's not like he doesn't work, and you don't seem to be short of money.

Personally I wouldn't choose to work a 60 hour week just to afford holidays, luxuries etc. I would be irritated if he is squandering money on stupid things when it is needed for braces etc, but that is a slightly different issue.

Starlight456 · 01/05/2019 18:27

Tbh not everyone is ambitious.

I think he probably isn’t . Not everyone is motivated by money.

I think you need to understand this is him.

If you earn more then yes imo as you are raising a family together yes you should put more in.

Does he actually have money left over?

Iggly · 01/05/2019 18:28

This isn’t about money really is it?

It sounds like you just don’t respect your dh for not being “ambitious” and earning enough. Nor does he do enough around the house? (Or does he?)

Original poster
Poivrotte · 01/05/2019 18:32

I hear you and take everything on board. It’s just that we had plans and goals, he did missold himself. I resent him for that. Few years ago, i considered myself like a depressed loser but I stepped up ...I don’t need much to be happy just don’t want financially struggling and live in an area where the kids are happy and safe. I don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t go out, wear cheap clothes...but large rent, lots of outgoings but we committed to it because we were convinced we were going to climb the career ladder, I did but all I heard from him were excuses

OP posts:
rainbowbash · 01/05/2019 18:32

so you both work, you can afford holidays, you manage so save money.

I don't actually get the problem. It doesn't sounds as if you need the extra money, not do I understand why both partners should earn the same.

not everyone is ambitious in a job, want to climb the career ladder and earn more £££.

some people value other things over this. nothing wrong with it. It may actually sometimes be the healthier attitude.

Meandwinealone · 01/05/2019 18:36

No one miss sells themselves. People see and believe what they want to. All the evidence would have been there

Sofagirl · 01/05/2019 18:36

It sounds like you have a problem with his lack of drive and are feeling the burden falling more on your shoulders and perhaps you resent his expectation that you will bail him out

He may never be a go getter but is he supportive in other ways?

I earn significantly more than my partner and I front pretty much 90% of all our costs but I’m fine with that because he does so much in other ways - and also because it wouldn’t matter who I was with I’m pretty sure my salary would outstrip theirs.

I have also had previous relationships where the other half was extremely wealthy but were still incredibly tight so there you go!

I’m all for self sufficiency but either one or both you should take on better paid jobs or you live within your means

Aria999 · 01/05/2019 18:43

I feel YABU though I'm not sure. But it's not a competition!

Maybe he realized he didn't want to be that career focused and resents you for pushing it. You're trying to make him into something he's not. If you don't find the person he actually is attractive any more then maybe consider a split.

I personally would not want to be with someone who was constantly pushing me to be someone I didn't want to be.

Original poster
Poivrotte · 01/05/2019 18:45

I think you are all right, I’m going to scale down and if the budget is tight so be it, if we can’t afford to live where we are, so be it. I’ll carry on paying extra necessities but yes nice holidays or being able to eat out on a whim is not a necessity !

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 01/05/2019 18:52

I'm not entirely sure if I've understood the thread, but from his POV could he write 'I work full time and all my money goes in to our joint account. I have nothing spare, nothing to buy treats with. My wife earns more than me, but contributes the same to the household bills and keeps the rest for herself. I do all the laundry. My wife wants me to earn more, but I don't want to work more hours, I'm happy with my lot.'
Sorry if I've misunderstood.

I think fairly standard in a family is to pool both salaries, pay the bills, then the remainder is split 50/50 for spends each. It sounds like he doesn't get anything for spending money, and rather than share yours, you want him to work more than a full time job? Maybe he doesn't want to?

Meandwinealone · 01/05/2019 18:55

Well it’s not a necessity but it’s nice if you can afford it as a team. Plenty of people contribute more than their partner and aren’t bitter about it. But the reasons behind you feeling how you do are not really to do with the money.

givemesteel · 01/05/2019 19:09

If you've got teenage kids then I'm assuming you're middle aged, 40s or 50s so I don't think at this stage he's suddenly going to become more ambitious so you either have to accept that or leave him if that's a deal breaker.

What you can do something about is how much he pulls his weight around the house and how he manages his money.

He needs to be better at putting away money for Christmas / birthdays / other stuff and if he can't then I think you should stop 'matching his salary' so his living expenses come from his own salary (would that motivate him to find a better paid job)?

As it's not fair if you are having to pay for kids Xmas presents / braces / tutoring out of your half of money or these day to day things eat into your salary.

I think ultimately you need to find a way of managing finances differently so you don't resent him any more. Then if he wants more disposable income it's on him to make that happen.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 01/05/2019 19:22

You should have let him buy you a token present even on card as you've added that to the list against him.
As to the job, maybe its harder for him to get a new one as he gets older or he is in an industry that is not expanding.
Its a positive that he's been consistently in work.
I think if duties were shared out more evenly, you might feel better.
Sounds like you need a joint financial planning session maybe with an advisor or someone to talk to, to help you deal with the resentment the unequal payments causes. I hope you find a way to resolve it

Original poster
Poivrotte · 01/05/2019 19:46

I feel better you are helping see sense - just one thing he is not deprived of anything, I’m not controlling what he buys or comment. I budget and it’s generous, I haven’t matched up his salary so I put 400-500 pounds more, we are not tight. I just worry what if I can’t carry on working like that much longer, I guess I’m just anxious.

OP posts:
Sofagirl · 01/05/2019 20:23

Poivrotte your anxiety is completely understandable as you are feeling more responsible out of the two of you and also the breadwinner

AddieK · 02/02/2021 01:58

Delayed reply to your post.
But I relate to how you're feeling.
It's not actually that you have money issues now but that you don't have confidence you'll be looked after if you can no longer earn anything.
You've made sure you've earned well for your family, to feel secure and your family can also rely on you. From what you've said on your background you have a fear that things can change and you'll end up poor. And you don't trust your DH to be able to help you. It's important for you to feel secure and you havent had the assurances.
What happened in your relationship since?

BarbaraofSeville · 02/02/2021 07:25

You don't give any amounts so it's hard to say who is being unreasonable, but taking what you say about him not being deprived etc as face value, along with you doing all the housework, cooking and organising, along with working more hours, it sounds like he's a lazy selfish piss taker who spends on himself but not others and just wants to please himself.

How much personal spending money do you both have?

If it's £20 pm, he may have a point, unless your budget is very tight and you're only just covering the bills, but if it's £200 pm or more, then that should be enough and he's taking the piss.

If you can't get in the same place about this, what's the point of him? It sounds like you have another idle teenager to worry about, and feed.

AStudyinPink · 02/02/2021 07:32

I got him a training for xmas 2017

You got your husband training as a Christmas present?

And you ‘match’ his salary? It’s joint income. He can’t afford to buy you presents from ‘his’ salary, so you tell him not to get you anything?

Sorry, you sound tight.

The work of the household sounds unevenly distributed, though.

Ileflottante · 02/02/2021 07:34

Zombie.

AStudyinPink · 02/02/2021 07:35

Bloody zombies!

luxxlisbon · 02/02/2021 08:43

You have more money at the end of the month because he earns less but you both pay the same into the joint account.
It sounds like the route of this isn't even financial and you just don't like your husband very much. You are willing to cut out family treats and family holidays just to make some sort of stand to him.

ElizaLaLa · 02/02/2021 09:17

You need to stop looking at it as yours and his money. It is all family money. If a woman came on posting about this from your DH's point of view she'd be told she's being financially abused. Check yourself.

VestaTilley · 02/02/2021 09:49

YANBU.

He needs to go 50:50 with you on all household spending/bills/treats and anything for the children.

Stop treating him to things if he doesn’t pay half. No more presents if he doesn’t get you gifts- how could he not have bought you anything for your 40th?? Selfish, mean and disrespectful.

If he doesn’t change his ways I’d be questioning the future with him.