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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be really upset about MIL's behaviour

115 replies

3m4G33 · 30/04/2019 22:11

A former colleague of mine and acquaintance of my parents in law has sadly passed away. PIL said they wouldn't attend funeral as they don't feel the need to attend as the deceased is someone they saw periodically. I don't agree but that's their choice. They offered to have my children after school as the funeral is not local but I offered to get babysitter so they could attend. MIL has told me she has told deceased's children that she and FIL cannot attend because I've asked them to babysit so that I can go. I asked her again if they want a babysitter and she's advised she's no intention of attending. I am appalled that she couldn't just say they were unable to go and leave it at that. Instead they've created an agenda that their hand has almost been forced so that I can attend. I've been married for a long time and am used to her behaviour aimed at making her look better than she is, but this is a funeral for goodness sake. I am so upset. The deceased was a former colleague who was lovely and I'm upset about his death. I just don't understand how she can behave so badly. DH and I periodically tackle bad behaviour and have no expectation she will change. She has been a difficult woman for the 18 years I've known DH but I feel this is a new low and I've been in tears about it.

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 30/04/2019 22:14

I would get someone else to look after your DC, and tell them so.

IvanaPee · 30/04/2019 22:16

I think you’re overreacting tbh.

But I get that you’re upset.

It’s just “former colleague” and “acquaintance” don’t exactly sound like close relationships.

I can understand PILs not going and I don’t understand why it’s so bad that they’ve said they’re babysitting?

HotSauceCommittee · 30/04/2019 22:19

She doesn’t have the same attachment to your friend as you did. Whether she goes or not is up to her and she has chosen not to, with a white lie about babysitting so as not to hurt feelings.
It’s surely better than saying to the deceased’s children “I’m not going to the funeral because I don’t want to”.
Please step back and don’t transfer your grief to demonising your MIL. Look to yourself and your own grief and just accept the help from your MIL and be grateful.
Maybe she feels she is knocking on and doesn’t want to confront her own mortality by attending a funeral? We just don’t know about anyone’s funny little reasons for doing things that seem irrational to others. Leave her be, OP and I am very sorry for your loss.

GunpowderGelatine · 30/04/2019 22:20

YABU to expect them to attend a funeral they don't want to attend. I agree with them that if you don't bother with whole in life why turn up in death. But YANBU to be cross that they insinuated they couldn't come because they're babysitting for you. If given the chance say to the family this is it the case (though I suspect they have bigger problems right now)

TwitterQueen1 · 30/04/2019 22:21

But why should they go if they don't want to?
Why are you appalled?
It's not up to you to agree or not ...... you don't get to decide what they do..

Confused... so they lied, saying they were babysitting for you? Maybe they didn't want to upset the relatives.

It's not your decision to make.

Notanidiot · 30/04/2019 22:22

If the PIL don't want to go that is their choice. You were close to your colleague, they are not. So don't guilt trip them into changing their mind.

As for them saying that they have to babysit for you, that's another matter.

Just tell the colleague's relatives that isn't the reason and leave it at that.

Teddybear45 · 30/04/2019 22:24

Actually what she said was quite classy. It reassured the family that you are representing the family and also allowed her not to go. I think you seem to be projecting. Not sure how close you were to this colleague so will assume this is you grieving and not trying to one up her.

Takethebuscuitandthesink · 30/04/2019 22:24

Yanbu I would not be at all impressed but not much you can do now and in the grand scheme of things this isn’t a biggie unless there is some sort of background to all this.

Chloemol · 30/04/2019 22:24

I get she doesn’t want to attend, but think her using baby sitting as an excuse is not on. I would now be finding alternative childcare , and if they ask at the funeral would say they are not babysitting.

Singlenotsingle · 30/04/2019 22:25

Not quite sure what the problem is here. This man was just an aquaintance of MiL and she doesn't feel obliged to go to the funeral. She's offered to look after your dc so that you can go, as he was a friend of yours. Why is it necessary for her to go.? I'm obviously missing something here...

Sallyseagull · 30/04/2019 22:25

I think you are being a bit unreasonable.

They don't HAVE to go to the funeral, even if they were close with the person.

If your in laws not being there comes up just correct people but I doubt anyone else would really care either way to be honest.

toomuchtooold · 30/04/2019 22:26

God, it's a bit hard going in here tonight is it not? The OP is pissed off not that her ILs have decided not to go to the funeral but that, having already decided that, they've now used babysitting OP's kids as an excuse for not going, making it look like OP is selfishly stopping them from going to the funeral. Yeah, that's really shit. If they were worried about how they are being perceived for not going then they could have either chosen to go or made another excuse, they didn't have to throw you under a bus.

Haffdonga · 30/04/2019 22:28

I'm not understanding why you're so upset/appalled/been in tears. Is it because she used you as her excuse? Is it because you're embarrassed that she hasn't made the effort or are you very upset about this person's death?

Your MIL doesn't feel the need to go to the funeral for whatever reason and has made up a polite social lie to cover for this. It's just what people do.
.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 30/04/2019 22:29

Do not say they arent baby sitting for you. If anyone asks (and they probably wont) just say you were closer to the deceased in recent years so whilst they are sad and send their condolences your in laws are helping you

Original poster
3m4G33 · 30/04/2019 22:30

Hi. To explain it slightly better - It's that they've told the deceased's family that they cannot attend specifically because they're babysitting because I want to attend. The deceased is someone I've known for many years and an acquaintance PIL have known for 20ish years - so not a passing thing. It is the implication that they would have gone but for the fact they're babysitting at my request. I had other options for babysitting. It's the fact that MIL has chosen to present me in a bad light to suit her own purposes. It's such an unnecessary way of presenting the situation. The saving grace is that at least I know so that I don't say the wrong thing. If it does not make sense that's fine. It probably just more that my MIL never ceases to amaze me with the ways she can pee me off when I'm least expecting it. I just felt a funeral might be off limits.

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 30/04/2019 22:32

But it doesn't present you in a bad light.

Echobelly · 30/04/2019 22:32

I don't see it as making you look bad, unless they were much closer friends than you with the deceased, which it doesn't sound like. I think people would think it fine for them not to attend, and fine for you to ask them to babysit.

MRex · 30/04/2019 22:33

They don't need to go to the funeral, I think it was just a useful excuse and you're overthinking it because you're upset and because they're often annoying in other ways. It's good that you can go and say your goodbyes, focus on that, I'm sorry you've lost a friend.

Original poster
3m4G33 · 30/04/2019 22:34

Thanks. This is it. I don't expect them to go but they've made it sound like I've stopped them going. No particular background other than that.

OP posts:
user1474894224 · 30/04/2019 22:34

Sorry - from what you have posted it seems like an overreaction on your part. I wouldn't go to the funeral of an acquaintance. Why does it matter what reason they gave. They haven't lied....they are babysitting. (To be honest the family organising the funeral probably don't give two hoots about random people they don't know).

TwitterQueen1 · 30/04/2019 22:35

But why does this put you in a bad light? I can't see that it does at all.

There is clearly a whole history of arguments and disagreements and much dislike on your part at least.

Yes, YABU for being so upset - there's nothing really to be upset about. No idea what's gone on before though!

Singlenotsingle · 30/04/2019 22:38

You're making too much of this, OP. She's told a white lie as to why she's not going. No one's going to be checking who's there and who's not. She isn't family, just a distant aquaintance. If she was close family, it might be different.

TheBigFatMermaid · 30/04/2019 22:39

Just get another babysitter, as you were prepared to do, then they will have to either a/ attend or b/ find another excuse that did not involve you.

Sallyseagull · 30/04/2019 22:42

I don't understand how it makes you look bad though?

bigbadbadger · 30/04/2019 22:46

If you dont say anything it makes literally no difference to the deceased's family, Its quite odd to think they will care if an acquaintance attends the funeral when they will no doubt be grief stricken and supporting close family, Its a white lie, it doesn't matter.