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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be really upset about MIL's behaviour

115 replies

3m4G33 · 30/04/2019 22:11

A former colleague of mine and acquaintance of my parents in law has sadly passed away. PIL said they wouldn't attend funeral as they don't feel the need to attend as the deceased is someone they saw periodically. I don't agree but that's their choice. They offered to have my children after school as the funeral is not local but I offered to get babysitter so they could attend. MIL has told me she has told deceased's children that she and FIL cannot attend because I've asked them to babysit so that I can go. I asked her again if they want a babysitter and she's advised she's no intention of attending. I am appalled that she couldn't just say they were unable to go and leave it at that. Instead they've created an agenda that their hand has almost been forced so that I can attend. I've been married for a long time and am used to her behaviour aimed at making her look better than she is, but this is a funeral for goodness sake. I am so upset. The deceased was a former colleague who was lovely and I'm upset about his death. I just don't understand how she can behave so badly. DH and I periodically tackle bad behaviour and have no expectation she will change. She has been a difficult woman for the 18 years I've known DH but I feel this is a new low and I've been in tears about it.

OP posts:

Provincialbelle · 01/05/2019 00:24

I agree with the OP. I have known people who do this and I can’t bear it - “oh I can’t because Provincial said ..” when I said no such thing they just couldn’t be arsed and used me as an excuse, so I looked mildly crap not them

ReanimatedSGB · 01/05/2019 00:27

I can see OP's point, if PIL have a history of fibbing to make themselves look better and to make OP look bad. If they are saying' Oh we would have come but our DIL insisted we babysit...' then OP's upset is fair enough: they are making her out to be selfish and unreasonable.

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 01/05/2019 00:49

I understand Op.
I'm sorry for your loss and I'm sure you're less robust than you would be normally when it comes to your Mil.
I think if you're a sensitive sort, then being used in this way feels off and upsetting. If it's any consolation, I doubt your friend's family will have paid too much attention.
I wish you well.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/05/2019 01:25

I too understand - your MIL has manipulated the situation to look like she's the one who has been prevented from going to the funeral to facilitate YOU going.

I would also get other babysitters for the DC ANYWAY, and when people ask about your ILs not being at the funeral, say "I don't know why she said that, DC are with babysitter" in all innocence.

But I don't like manipulators who try to rope others into their poor behaviours.

GPatz · 01/05/2019 04:16

I get it OP. They wanted an easy way out without looking bad.

Singlenotsingle · 01/05/2019 04:33

A funeral is a sad and emotional occasion and not everyone wants to go. And its not as though you get a written invitation! (My ndn died a few weeks ago and we didn't go to the funeral, and we didn't feel the need to explain why. His widow told us afterwards that 140 people went so we weren't missed).
And missingstreetlife

Durgasarrow · 01/05/2019 04:44

She doesn't want to go, she doesn't have to go, don't push her to go, she's being nice to baby-sit your kids, you're being very controlling. Let it go.

Blondebakingmumma · 01/05/2019 04:49

I think you are emotional about your friends passing and not thinking clearly.

PIL don’t have to go to the funeral.

Them babysitting for you in NO way looks bad on you.

Birdie6 · 01/05/2019 05:06

I don't get why this supposedly makes you look bad ? And honestly, if the deceased was a "former work colleague " of yours, why would you be concerned about how this looks to their family ( who I assume you don't know at all ). You're letting this bother you a lot more than is necessary. Let it go.

Kiwiinkits · 01/05/2019 05:21

You're overreacting and YABU.

IAmNotAWitch · 01/05/2019 05:24

I dunno, isn't this a 'win' all round (other than the sad death obviously).

You get babysitting, your MIL feels like she doesn't have to go, the family feel that she would have been there if she could have, and they know how important it is to YOU to be there.

You might be overthinking. Did you want her to say to the family member, that she just wasn't that fussed?

On it's own this is not really an issue is it? I get that she is a constant irritation but I think that that history has caused you to overreact a little to this situation. Understandable if you are already upset. But worth bearing in mind that you are the only one upset about this, and well, you don't really need to be.

Ihatehashtags · 01/05/2019 05:34

They shouldn’t be using you going as an excuse. It allows them to conveniently get out of it. Bad behaviour on her part.

Sweetpea55 · 01/05/2019 05:54

Arrange other babysitting. Tell MIL that she's free to go to the funeral if she wishes. Go to the funeral and if anyone asks where MIL is or how good it is that she's freed you up to go by forfeiting her attendance then tell them who really has got the kids.
If your so upset by what's she's done/said do something about it

Shoxfordian · 01/05/2019 05:58

I don't think its awful of them to say they can't come because they're babysitting. Its a convenient excuse. You're overreacting but you're grieving so its understandable. Take care

KC225 · 01/05/2019 06:01

Only on mumsnet are people expected to fly all over the world for hen does and destination wedding evening invites but no one gives a hoot if you don't turn up for a funeral.

I get it OP. Your MIL was using babysitting as her excuse for not attending when she no intentions of going. It made it look as if wanted to go but couldn't when she should have have sent condolences and said 'OP will be attending on behalf of the family'. Your MIL doesn't have to attend but don't use someone else as an excuse.

MyOtherProfile · 01/05/2019 06:03

@3m4G33 I think you are taking this badly because you're feeling so sad about your colleague. You described them as an acquaintance of your PIL so it is perfectly normal for them not to go to the funeral. I've never gone to the funeral of someone who was just an acquaintance.

It's no big deal that they said they can't go because they're babysitting. The family probably wouldn't expect them to be coming anyway since they are not exactly close friends. Move on and be grateful for grandparents who can and will babysit.

Qweenbee · 01/05/2019 06:07

Fair enough that they don't want to go. Shitty of them to blame it on the op. I wouldn't be happy to be made out to be the bad guy either.

NoSauce · 01/05/2019 06:17

How well does MIL know the family? If she’s an acquaintance if this person who has died how did it come about she was explaining to the children she wasn’t going to the funeral?

I think your overall dislike of MIL is overshadowing your thoughts right now. I might have been a bit surprised in your shoes but I don’t think it warrants such depth of feelings from you. She doesn’t have to go to anyone’s funeral if she doesn’t want to OP.

MRex · 01/05/2019 06:23

OP hasn't been made out to be the bad guy, how ridiculous. The guy's children will be grieving for him, they won't give two hoots about PIL not going but they have a neat excuse which is better than "nah, I'm going to get the laundry done".

EdWinchester · 01/05/2019 06:26

I can’t see a problem and you’re not being ‘presented in a bad light’.

You are overreacting.

LL83 · 01/05/2019 06:32

I think you are overthinking this. If they were asked "are you going to funeral?" Should they say the truth "no we dont feel very close so dont want to attend" the other truth "we are watching xx's kids as it is more important she attends" or make something up?

Maybe they didn't give the full detail I.e. "although we are prioritising dil going we wouldn't have went anyway" but I cant see a polite way to say that.

You have checked childcare isn't actually stopping them going so you know you haven't done anything wrong.

NoSauce · 01/05/2019 06:34

She is a bitch but it won't help family to know that. Just do the right thing, karma will sort them out, what goes around comes around. Sorry you are having to deal with it

Bet you read Take a break and watch Jezza.

AJPTaylor · 01/05/2019 06:36

Its a white lie.
They did not want to go to the funeral. They were not as close and it's their choice. Saying they are babysitting so you can attend is kinder than " we are not that fussed

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 01/05/2019 06:40

If they are saying' Oh we would have come but our DIL insisted we babysit...' then OP's upset is fair enough: they are making her out to be selfish and unreasonable.

Completely agree with this. It was a shit thing for her to say and forces OP to accept the mantle of selfish DIL while attending the funeral. Very unreasonable.

I'm sorry about your colleague, OP.

MaybeitsMaybelline · 01/05/2019 06:47

Just send the children to a babysitter then you can, with a clear conscience, tell the deceased family the same.

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