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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be really upset about MIL's behaviour

115 replies

3m4G33 · 30/04/2019 22:11

A former colleague of mine and acquaintance of my parents in law has sadly passed away. PIL said they wouldn't attend funeral as they don't feel the need to attend as the deceased is someone they saw periodically. I don't agree but that's their choice. They offered to have my children after school as the funeral is not local but I offered to get babysitter so they could attend. MIL has told me she has told deceased's children that she and FIL cannot attend because I've asked them to babysit so that I can go. I asked her again if they want a babysitter and she's advised she's no intention of attending. I am appalled that she couldn't just say they were unable to go and leave it at that. Instead they've created an agenda that their hand has almost been forced so that I can attend. I've been married for a long time and am used to her behaviour aimed at making her look better than she is, but this is a funeral for goodness sake. I am so upset. The deceased was a former colleague who was lovely and I'm upset about his death. I just don't understand how she can behave so badly. DH and I periodically tackle bad behaviour and have no expectation she will change. She has been a difficult woman for the 18 years I've known DH but I feel this is a new low and I've been in tears about it.

OP posts:
Whoops75 · 30/04/2019 22:47

YABU

Sorry your upset x

IvanaPee · 30/04/2019 22:49

Somebody is dead, OP.

I’m sure people will have other things to worry about. Hmm

You’re being very self-involved.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/04/2019 22:49

It really doesn’t put you in a bad light. It spares the feelings of the mourners whatever your mile motivation. Tbh I think on the occasion your grief at the loss of the person coupled with your feelings toward your mil are clouding your judgment on this.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/04/2019 22:50

Posted too soon. It actually puts you in a positive light as you clearly very much want to go and have organised your in laws to babysit.

Original poster
3m4G33 · 30/04/2019 22:50

Thanks for views on both sides. There's no way I would say anything to anyone at the funeral about their non-attendance. It's their choice totally and the babysitting is appreciated. When I spoke to MIL tonight and she told me what their response to the family had been I naively asked if they wanted me to find another babysitter so that they could attend which is when she then said they had never intended to go anyway. I thought I had misjudged their offer to babysit and that they had really wanted to go. I think her phrasing could have been better. Feeling better about. It just caught me on a bad day at a bad moment and I felt guilty that I was stopping them going when they might want to attend. Thanks for people's views and time.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 30/04/2019 22:51

Yes, YABU. You are completely over reacting.
I hear of all sort of people I've known over 20 years, that die. I think 'oh, that's a shame' but I don't feel the need to go to the funerals of everyone I know.

Your PiL aren't behaving badly by not wanting to go.
Maybe if someone asked her, she found it easier to say she was looking after your dc rather than 'I don't feel I need to go' to that person. It's a slightly white lie (though not actually a lie, as she is), it is just a tact / diplomacy thing.
It doesn't present you in a bad light at all.
You are completely over reacting.

Missingstreetlife · 30/04/2019 22:52

She is a bitch but it won't help family to know that. Just do the right thing, karma will sort them out, what goes around comes around. Sorry you are having to deal with it.

BackforGood · 30/04/2019 22:52

x posted.

IvanaPee · 30/04/2019 22:53

She’s not a bitch ffs.

She doesn’t want to go to a funeral and has given a perfectly reasonable reason as to why. End of story. 🙄🙄

TitianaTitsling · 30/04/2019 22:54

YANBU Mil being twisted in stating that it's due to you she can't attend. I'd find other childcare and openly state that as mil seemed so upset she couldn't attend you felt unfair to ask.

TheSerenDipitY · 30/04/2019 23:00

i have "lost" a few people i knew, not well but to chat in the street or i would see at events and chat with... and i didnt go to their funerals, i would rather remember them as they were rather than only remember them laying in a box...
No one has to go to a funeral, we are allowed to grieve in our own way and if we wish to pay our respects in our own way, you need to stop pressuring her to do what you want her to do, which btw is the real issue here... you trying to force her to do something she doesnt want to do and not accepting NO as her answer... no means no

TowelNumber42 · 30/04/2019 23:17

I agree with pretty much everyone else above about this particular incident. However, if someone has form for screwing you over the general rule is never to accept favours as it is never worth the inevitable hassle.

Beansandcoffee · 30/04/2019 23:17

Your MIl doesn’t have to attend the funeral. As you get older it becomes the case that you end up going to a lot of funerals which isn’t fun. Therefore you pick which ones are important to you and the family.

Rather than say to the family that she doesn’t want to attend the funeral she has protected the feelings of the family and said she is babysitting and you will be representing your family.

That’s all it is and something I would do.

ChipSandwich · 30/04/2019 23:17

Some people don't like going to funerals and obviously they have reasons. Whatever their reasons they are totally valid and it's not fair to pressure them or try to make them feel guilty. My brother didn't go to our mother's funeral. It was too much for him. He couldn't face it. Nobody guilted him though, so he didn't have to look for an excuse. I don't think what your mil did is appalling at all. I think she felt forced into making up an excuse when she really shouldn't have needed to. People have their own way of paying their respects, and it may differ from others. Not going to the funeral isn't a sign of disrespect

Sallyseagull · 30/04/2019 23:20

Missingstreetlife
Hmm

saraclara · 30/04/2019 23:30

You do know that the bereaved won't have given what she said even a second's thought, right? They have far more on their minds, and you seem to place far more importance on what they think of you than is reasonable at any time, never mind in the midst of grief.

I can tell you know that I barely registered anything before or at my late husband's funeral, and I certainly wouldn't have given a damn about why an occasional acquaintance wasn't coming or to 'blame' someone else for it. You really aren't the centre of the universe.

saraclara · 30/04/2019 23:31

know=now

Bestfootforward1 · 30/04/2019 23:34

It sounds like you are trying to force them to go to the funeral. Theyve said they dont want to go and maybe they shouldn't have used you as an excuse but maybe your MIL thought it was less rude to say they are babysitting rather than "we dont want to go". I dont think it's THAT bad really.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 30/04/2019 23:40

Ffs what is the matter with people. MIL is not being twisted or a bitch. She is trying to spare the feelings of greiving people. Why would the OP rock up to the funeral and then tell the family that MIL was lying possibly causing further upset for them.

CheekyWeeGobshite · 30/04/2019 23:40

Do you not think that the bereaved family might feel a bit put out if they just said no, we can't go to the funeral? They've used the babysitting to make it look like they would like to go to protect the family's feelings rather than to make you look bad IMHO. I really don't think that it makes you look bad anyway!

BelfortGabbz · 30/04/2019 23:50

Karma will sort them out

Some people are unbelievable....

pallisers · 30/04/2019 23:54

I can see your point, OP.

MIL and FIL don't want to go to the funeral - fair enough. Don't go. But they don't want to own that decision and instead are going to make it your fault/responsibility they couldn't go. Faced with a choice of the bereaved family thinking "odd that the Ryans didn't come to the funeral" they have decided to make it "Odd that the Ryans' daughter in law wouldn't let them off babysitting so they could go to the funeral". In the scheme of things the bereaved family won't care one way or another and it is a minor upset but they are lying and I wouldn't be happy about it.

CSIblonde · 30/04/2019 23:59

They don't sound close to/invested in your colleague so it's fair enough they're not going. That's their choice & nothing to do with you. What is bad tho, is using your kids as an excuse. Get a sitter & just don't mention it/stir that issue up with the deceased relatives. Funerals are awful enough without that kind of thing adding to the distress.

UnRavellingFast · 01/05/2019 00:05

I get it, OP. It's being used as an excuse without checking with you first. Makes it easy for them, but leaves you feeling like you've come across as selfish. I can understand ILs' reasons for "blaming the person in the background" but it's weak of them and not very decent to you.

RaffertyFair · 01/05/2019 00:12

How did the conversation take place between mil and the deceased children? I'm guessing they didnt contact her.

Perhaps she politely called to offer her condolences and was asked "Will we see you at the funeral" to which mil replied "No 3m4G33 has asked us to babysit but our thoughts will be with you on the day"

Obviously I dont know, but do you see how it could be absolutely nothing to be "really upset" about?