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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be really upset about MIL's behaviour

115 replies

3m4G33 · 30/04/2019 22:11

A former colleague of mine and acquaintance of my parents in law has sadly passed away. PIL said they wouldn't attend funeral as they don't feel the need to attend as the deceased is someone they saw periodically. I don't agree but that's their choice. They offered to have my children after school as the funeral is not local but I offered to get babysitter so they could attend. MIL has told me she has told deceased's children that she and FIL cannot attend because I've asked them to babysit so that I can go. I asked her again if they want a babysitter and she's advised she's no intention of attending. I am appalled that she couldn't just say they were unable to go and leave it at that. Instead they've created an agenda that their hand has almost been forced so that I can attend. I've been married for a long time and am used to her behaviour aimed at making her look better than she is, but this is a funeral for goodness sake. I am so upset. The deceased was a former colleague who was lovely and I'm upset about his death. I just don't understand how she can behave so badly. DH and I periodically tackle bad behaviour and have no expectation she will change. She has been a difficult woman for the 18 years I've known DH but I feel this is a new low and I've been in tears about it.

OP posts:

InceyWinceyette · 01/05/2019 06:48

I completely understand why you are upset OP, and she should not have implicated you in her excuse. From your POV it does potentially put you in a bad light as your supposed need for a babysitter prevents them attending.

However, I very much doubt that the family will see it like that it have any headspace to analyse it.

Just go and focus on your own feelings about your colleague.

BurnedToast · 01/05/2019 06:49

I doubt the family give two hoots if some acquaintancies of their relative turn up. I also doubt they would care if they thought said acquaintancies don't come because they were babysitting for an ex colleague who was closer to him/her. I sort of see your point but feel your making a mountain out of a molehill.

pictish · 01/05/2019 06:51

I agree with what most other posters have said.
It’s ok that they don’t want to go to the funeral and I think it’s also fine that they used babysitting as a get out clause. It makes sense even.
It doesn’t paint you in a bad light at all.

This is normal behaviour. Your mil may well be a horror...but on this occasion she hasn’t done anything outlandish.

SkintAsASkintThing · 01/05/2019 06:53

I never attend funerals unless it's close family or friends..........it will bite me on the arse when I'm dead and no bugger turns up at mine. 🤔

maslinpan · 01/05/2019 06:53

When you bury your parent, you are not normally doing a headcount of mourners and listening to anyone's explanations of why person X didn't attend. Get some perspective!

Yinderling · 01/05/2019 06:53

They probably won't give it a second thought. My take on this is either you want to have something to be cross at MIL for, or you are quite anxious about what other people think if you.

Humpy84 · 01/05/2019 06:57

Mentioning your mil didn’t have to babysit will just make you look spiteful and be unnecessarily hurtful to the family.

Tell your MIL that next time she lies to the family of the deceased, please don’t involve you in her dishonesty.

If it makes you feel better I really don’t think (the family of your aquaintance who has passed) will see it as you do. I can understand feeling as though you look bad for making mil babysit and prevent her attending. I think they must realise that nobody is forced to babysit and that ultimately you were kind enough to attend and so probably wouldn’t have asked her unless she wasn’t going in first place. I always think attending funerals shows real dignity and integrity especially when their is no family or relationship obligation. I don’t think the family will think less of you or imagine that someone like you would force your mil to choose between obligations.

Humpy84 · 01/05/2019 06:59

Ps honestly the family will notice if there is a big or small turn out and they will be appreciative you’re there but they won’t notice who isn’t there. Not really sure why your mil rsvpd. They’ll be too upset to remember or notice much 😔

Doubledeckers · 01/05/2019 07:00

YANBU. Your MIL doesn’t want to go and has told you this. However, she knows that “don’t want to” or “can’t be bothered” aren’t really reasons you give for not going to a funeral. For someone they’ve known for 20+ years you’re annoyed at this blase attitude but then your MIL has used your need for a babysitter as an excuse. This is poor form and I’m with you all the way OP. She is blaming you for not being able to go rather than her not wanting to attend.

Get another babysitter.

MRex · 01/05/2019 07:01

Some people have been suggesting that OP tells the family her PIL aren't babysitting. What is that supposed to achieve? If the deceased's children remember the excuse then they'll be hurt and confused, if they don't (more likely) then they will just be confused about the random information. It's a funeral for their parent, not a performance show for attendees with their own personal disputes.

Auramigraine · 01/05/2019 07:08

I get you OP. MIL doesn’t want to go, that’s fine, but using having to babysit as an excuse, making out that you’ve controlled the situation to suit only yourself is not right. It makes out that they have no choice but to not attend. I wouldn’t be pleased either.
Really MIL didn’t have to explain herself to family of the bereaved, if only acquaintances and not close, she could have just said very sorry for your loss, maybe a card and leave it at that.
FWIW the family of bereaved will have a lot on their mind so it won’t even occur to them to put any thought into it so I wouldn’t worry x

NoSauce · 01/05/2019 07:11

I doubt they even acknowledged this information. I’m confused at how it came about that they found at though if they’re only acquaintances of MIL.

In what capacity was MIL an acquaintance of your late colleague?

EleanorReally · 01/05/2019 07:29

The family will not notice op.

EleanorReally · 01/05/2019 07:30

Nobody has to go , the family wont notice.
give mil her get out clause if she wants

saraclara · 01/05/2019 07:34

You say this is "a new low"
Is this really the worst thing she's done in 18 years? Seriously?
Because if so, it's hard to see what 18 years of behaving badly actually means.

This is such a huge over-reaction. The only thing she did was say that you asked her to baby sit, rather than that she offered. But again, were you actually there when she told these people that? Do you know for a fact that she said "asked"?

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 01/05/2019 07:37

Sorry OP ..My view is funerals are not obligatory to attend and your Inlaws have made it clear to you they do not wish to attend.I am slightly wowed by your statement you periodically manage inlaws bad behaviour..how dare you? These are grown ups who have minds of their own.I get you are cross at them using you as an excuse not to attend by does that really matter in the grand scheme of things? You want to go its important to you I get that so they are enabling you to go...I would suggest you attend as you wish and keep your mouth shut regarding your inlaws non attendance the family of the deceased will have more than enough to contend with without your family dramas of which this is not one but you seen intent on making one out of it....Yes you are being very unreasonable.....

PurpleFlower1983 · 01/05/2019 07:43

Honestly I think you are making much more of this than necessary because of your pre-existing opinion of your PIL. I’m sorry about your friend.

AngelsOnHigh · 01/05/2019 07:48

Wow, I'm with you all the way on this one OP.

Can't understand why so many people can't understand why you're annoyed with MIl.

I guess these would be the same people who would be incapable of saying "sorry, I can't attend but please accept my condolences".

ZoeWashburne · 01/05/2019 07:50

What would you rather do? Tell a grieving family that your ILs just didn't want to go to their Mother's funeral? It seems like you are really thinking of only your feelings and how you are represented rather than a wider issue.

I really think you are reading into this. If anything, it makes you look thoughtful (you have asked around to ensure that you can have reliable childcare because you are prioritising the funeral). I think you are projecting a lot of resentment you have on your ILs to this situation. They may be jerks and make you look bad, but they aren't doing that in this situation.

RedSkyLastNight · 01/05/2019 07:59

It doesn't paint you in a bad light. It suggests that you will be representing them at the funeral, which sounds like it is a statement made to save the deceased family's feelings. If the deceased family thought about it all, which I suspect they didn't, they will realise that other babysitters would have been available if PIL had really wanted to come. Why they would expect an acquaintance to come to the funeral, I'm not sure anyway. Most people only go to funerals for family or close friends, or to support someone else there.

JoshSharpe · 01/05/2019 08:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

bananasandwicheseveryday · 01/05/2019 08:20

I understand where the OP is coming from. It isn't the fact that pils don't want to attend, but the fact that they have used OP's DCs as an excuse. I'm sure the bereaved family won't give a moment's thought to it. I would not be happy if a member of my family did this. If you don't want to go, have the decency to be honest. If you must find an excuse, don't involve someone else in it.

downcasteyes · 01/05/2019 08:22

I totally get why you are upset. Your PIL are basically using your kids as an excuse to duck out of going, and you fear that this makes you look like you're demanding that they babysit so you can attend. It's a pretty scurvy lie on their part, I have to say! (And exactly the sort of thing my mother would do, only she uses her cat as an excuse "I can't come visit your house downcast because I'm looking after a perfectly healthy cat". I'm sadly not joking).

However, I agree with PPs that you mustn't let the family get even a whisper of the idea that your relatives are crazy and just can't be arsed. I agree wtih RedSky that you should just say that they send their love and that you're there for the whole family.

Ferii · 01/05/2019 08:32

You PIL don't want to go the funeral, why are you putting so much energy in to trying to force them to go. They offered to babysit for you which was nice. Let them babysit and go to the funeral yourself. Honestly the deceased children and relatives won't give a monkies that your PIL aren't there and they're too grief stricken to remember whatever excuse your PIL gave them. You're making too much of a drama out of this don't add further drama to a grieving family when really they couldn't give a toss who turns up and won't remember who did/didn't come.

Piffle11 · 01/05/2019 08:49

YABU to expect them to go to the funeral of someone they didn't see that often. My DParents will go to the funeral of people they didn't have anything to do with/actively slated/met a few times in the coffee shop, and I've never understood it. But their choice. However, YANBU to be upset that they are using you as the excuse. You are worried that the deceased's family now think that PIL really wanted to attend but can't as you're making them look after your DC. You say you have a difficult relationship and that is probably making things worse (I'm in the same situation) but if I were you I would just try and let it go. The grieving family won't give two hoots about your PIL not being there.

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