To get cross every time I see a woman say her husband doesn't do any night feeds because "he works"?

[TeenTitans]

I'm in a few mum groups online and I keep seeing this and it's driving me mad. Women who's husband's never do any night feeds because they work and women who think that's perfectly okay. Erm do you not think looking after the kids all day is work? My response is always "so do you!" when I see it. My partner has always helped with the nights because they're his kids as well and it's just as much his job as mine.

I'm not complaining about couples divvying up the work as they wish but the justification. YOU ALSO WORK.

It has nothing to do with inequality or a battle of the sexes it's what ever works for you, i personally did all the night feeds as it's my favourite time (it just seems private and special to me) I'm sure I'm in the minority with that tho!! If a mother is unhappy with doing all the night feeds then she should tell her partner. I see alot of mum's being martyr's moaning about doing night feeds etc and never saying anything to their other half? If he refuses then obviously there is an issue etc.
There is nothing wrong with a mum doing all the night feeds and it's nobody's place to judge them.
I also don't see parenthood as a 'job'

That's the very definition of maternity leave. It's a combination of being up through the night, and being able to nap in the day.

No it isn't. It isn't there so you can do nights at all.

What is this “napping during the day” people speak of? My friends who have singletons all told me it was a myth for them, let alone with multiples. I only got the odd nap during the day once they were about 18 months old, and napping vaguely consistently and simultaneously. But mainly I have too much to do when they’re asleep, since I can’t do it when they’re awake - isn’t this the same for everyone?

Seriously, SAHPs should just be on duty all day and all night, every day for at least 12-18 months and working parents should only have to work 40 hours a week or whatever at their job and then they get to rest and sleep as much as they want?

My job pre-twins was massively stressful and demanding and it was still a damn sight easier than being at home with them! It’s nice some people have such lovely leisurely maternity leaves, I suspect they’re in the minority but who knows.

Hi OP

I'm totally with you. Yeah I dont think it applies if your husband is something like a surgeon working 12 hour shifts and if they are knackered they can kill someone. Or someone very senior in charge of millions of pounds a second where a slip up could devastate the economy. Or an airline pilot.

But a LOT of people work standard hours office or retail jobs and they still say it! And that does annoy me as well

Of course it does depend on whether you've got an 'easy' baby. A baby that only wakes a couple of times a night and naps during the day so you can get some rest, no I wouldn't really expect the dad to do night feeds

A baby like mine, who woke up every 90 mins and took a while of rocking or feeding to go to sleep and only slept half an hour max in the day.....I literally couldn't have carried on without extra support from my husband. And he gladly gave it. Why should one half of the couple be tired to the point of insanity / illness while the other carries on like their life hasn't changed and they dont have a baby? Why does everyone think it's completely safe to look after the baby when you're that tired? I was fainting regularly, I didn't feel safe driving, I was so forgetful, and I regularly fell asleep on the sofa feeding the baby - none of which are safe with a newborn.

And breastfeeding is no excuse for the dad not to help. My husband would do nappy changes so I could stay asleep and feed and get back to sleep more easily after. He would feed the odd bottle of expressed milk in the few weeks before they started rejecting bottles. And at the worst times, he took them out in the sling or pram in the middle of the night for a few hours as it was the only thing guaranteed to keep them asleep, so I got some rest.

Also doing a night feed doesn't even mean they have to give up sleep. In the newborn days mine cluster fed in the evening and the space between feeds increased over the night. So my husband went to bed mega early - like 8.30, so he could get up at 4 with the baby and give a bottle and stay up with her if he couldn't get her back to sleep. Yeah he was tired but he was still getting enough to function fine.

Lastly - when the important men who work cant get up once in the night when their partner is off on maternity leave, what happens when the maternity leave is over? And if the woman goes back full time or almost full time? Do most of these men jump straight in and start doing 50pc of night wakings (as a lot of older babies still wake in the night)? I very much doubt it as by then it will be seen as the mothers job and the baby will only settle for the mother. But it's ok for her to be knackered at work!

Also i didn't breast feed so technically my oh could have done it but I'd rather he had a decent sleep for actual work (that provides us with money etc)

What is this “napping during the day” people speak of? My friends who have singletons all told me it was a myth for them, let alone with multiples. I only got the odd nap during the day once they were about 18 months old, and napping vaguely consistently and simultaneously. But mainly I have too much to do when they’re asleep, since I can’t do it when they’re awake - isn’t this the same for everyone?

I can't nap in the day. I just can't, my body doesn't work like that. Plus are you supposed to just nap fully clothed? And then the baby wakes up? How do you know how long you've got? It's awful.

I breastfeed, so DH getting up in the night would be pointless... Also, he has a long drive to work so even if we bottlefed, I'd rather he got some sleep. I could always stay at home if I'm too tired but DH has no option!

DH is a paramedic. Would you want him coming to save you if he starts his shift too knackered to function properly, let alone how he ends it?! Equality isn't about all or nothing, you have to find what works for you as a couple. You have an overly simplistic view of equality, OP.

teen

No i cant nap either

Plus ds1 favourite napping place was on me

No one can choose which partner gives birth.

@teentitans, actually, some of us totally can. Though, I do agree with you broadly.

I do remember a couple of occasions when they were small where they happened to fall asleep at the same time and I tried to have a nap. I lay down on the sofa but I couldn’t relax at all, knowing I had to pump and make bottles and do laundry, and the stress of knowing one would wake up any minute. I think once I fell asleep for 15 minutes or so and woke up feeling a million times worse.

I know lots of people have this idea that mums on maternity leave are swanning around going for coffee and having nice naps - I’ve just never met anyone who’s actually had that experience!

Yabu. Other people can do what they like. It doesn't effect you or anyone else who a couple choose to do the nightfeeds.

I can't nap in the day. I just can't, my body doesn't work like that. Plus are you supposed to just nap fully clothed? And then the baby wakes up? How do you know how long you've got? It's awful.

I'm the same... but on the occasions I've attempted it, baby has either been in the pram asleep/I've been fully clothed on the sofa, or we've both been in bed together with me partially dressed.

...and I agree, it's awful not knowing how long you have and just drifting off as the baby starts to cry...

I have a job which is very technical, requires a lot of concentration, and is safety critical. I cannot do it on consistently broken/inadequate sleep. Not all jobs can be done on autopilot.

More generally, going to work sleep deprived is hellish, you're on someone else's schedule, you have to perform, and you have to endure a commute, which if done by car puts both you and the other motorists in danger. Driving sleep deprived is like driving drunk.

During maternity leave I was beyond sleep deprived and it was really hard, and at times I felt very bleak. She was EBF so only I could do night feeds.

However, all I had to do in the day was schlep to a baby group or two, mind the house, and do the shopping with a small baby in tow. While not 'easy' it was nowhere near the responsibility of work and driving, and I didn't need to be mentally switched on so it didn't really matter that my brain was operating at 40%.

My husband did his best to support in any other way he could, and did loads in the evenings and at the weekend between feeds to give me some rest.

Now that I'm back at work, any night wakes which may happen are dealt with evenly, and we work together as a team to make sure the other gets the rest they need to go to work, do a good job, and put food on the table and keep a roof over our heads.

Sarah that's actually true, I didn't think about same sex couples for a moment. I apologise!

I've just gone back to work. Still BF so partner lacks the proper equipment. I have a toddler & my partners got a partially collapsed lung.
My whole week has been feed during the night, get up with both kids in the morning. Get toddler ready for Preschool. Take her Preschool. Make sure DP is OK. Feed some more. Go to work. Come home. Collect toddler. Clean the house. Cook dinner. Go bed then feed during the night...
Before the partial collapse lung I'd do the same. DP is a carer, so had to go get his father rwady, help him so I do the majority.. I mean he has no boobs... He can't do the feeds of he don't have the goods!

Most men and women are office workers.

Are they? Not in my neck of the woods. Plenty of factory workers, shopworkers, hotel staff, cleaners. And most have or have had young families.

My other half did 12 hour shifts as a welder for a job that if he fucked up could mean the deaths of hundreds of people as a worst case scenario. If we ever did have children together I sure as he'll would make sure he had his sleep before I did!

All these “yes, but my DH works 33 hour days and would kill someone if he’s too tired” - surely your DH has some days off though, and I presume they helped during those nights? Or is it only working parents who gets time off?

God I napped loads when baby was first born! Basically every time she fell asleep I napped too Sometimes on sofa with her in Moses basket, sometimes in bed with her beside me or in bedside cot. I'm a champion napper though... and she was a good napper in those early weeks. She's not such a good napper in the house lately but I can still get an hour or two some days if I really need it. Usually though I wait till DP walks in from work, hand her over and disappear for an hour or two!

How about you do it your way and let everyone else do the same?
It's none of my business who your nights are and none of yours how mine are.
I can't bear those to try to tell other people how to mange their own lives.

I don't understand nappers, my partner can nap for England and I just don't understand how!

Half of this thread assumes all babies are a nightmare who scream constantly and also no more than an hour at a time, of course some are like that, lots are not. So it's not being at work 24/7 is it? My job is definitely a lot harder than mat leave. If I had a screamer (he had a couple of weeks early on, but settled quickly), of course DH would help over night and did, when he was poorly, when the was an explosive nappy incident at 3am, but there is absolutely no need for it while I'm on mat leave, have one baby who sleeps for eleven hours a night and four hours during the day. Also there are lots of assumptions about men who don't do night wakings not doing anything else, that's not the case in my relationship, and if it is in yours the issue is not really about night times it's about everything. DH and I split chores equally, I tend to cook more because I like it and he gets home really late two or three nights a week, but the balance is there overall so I don't resent him. Today I had a bath while he hoovered and did some laundry with DS in the ergobaby, so if DS wakes up later tonight I don't mind getting up with him, I've had a nice relaxing afternoon and nothing planned for tomorrow other than coffee with a friend and a walk to feed the ducks. Not exactly tracing

Those that dont like it could always go to work full time and provide and let the men do night feeds instead. That’s this ‘equality’ and ‘feminism’ that everyone so desperately wants isn’t it?

To everyone saying why is op concerned with what other families do - because of the idea that is still prevalent that whatever the situation, it is the woman’s job to do all night shifts. In my NCT group for example, out of 9 couples, only my partner helped with the night shift. Despite PND, despite one husband not even working at that time, despite traumatic births and physical injury. One woman seemed terrified at the idea of even suggesting it to her husband because he had to Work. Yes we all have different experiences and of course if you are happy to do all night wakings staring adoringly at your little cherub go for it! Enjoy yourself. Similarly if your dh needs sleep for his important job and you don’t mind, fine! But not everyone has that life and experience and society tells them and their partners that the man needs his sleep more and raising children is not work.
I get laughed at when I say being a mother is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Why is my truth not accepted?

No you’re not alone Cherylshaw and I was so sleep deprived in the last couple of months of being pregnant, struggling to keep my eyes open at my desk and forgetting just about every bloody thing, the peaceful night times I have now with the baby are a doddle. At least there’s a point to being awake now and I’m not just weeing every half hour and lying wide eyed panicking about having a baby to keep alive in a few weeks!