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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Married in to a different class

124 replies

Gymbun · 28/04/2019 14:31

I'm happily married. We've been together for nearly 30 years and I adore my husband, he truly is the love of my life. We met whilst on holiday and it was love at first sight. I would have given up everything just to be with him. I come from a wealthy family, who are quite strict in certain ways, especially how you behave etc. He comes from a poor family which in itself makes no difference what so ever. Together we have built up a good life for us and our 2 children, our eldest is in university now. He gets on great with my family who all love him. I got on great with his mum who unfortunately passed away a couple of years ago. However, his sisters live a different life from us. I'm not talking about money, I'm talking about the actual life. They've all got 6 children each, none of them work, some of their kids have been in prison and they only language they know is effing and jeffing. I hate taking my kids there and hate any family gatherings because of this. How have other people dealt with this? I don't go there and think I'm better than them, I know that's what some people here will say, but I don't. I try not to say too much to my husband because it's his family after all. I just want some ideas what others have done or would have done. Tia

OP posts:

IABUQueen · 28/05/2019 10:18

I know someone married to an extremely rich family. Wealthiest family I know on a personal level.

The girl comes from a very humble background. Respects people and never judges.

However they her in laws have no class. They’re self made wealthy and it seems they built their wealth upon being deceptive, sneery and their lack of content and insecurity hits the roof..

They sneer at her for her wealth yet she looks at them with pitty for their lack of awareness of how to maintain respect.

Therefore class and wealth aren’t the same

Hecateh · 28/05/2019 10:29

People are getting hung up on the semantics a many are being very judgemental assuming the OP means what they mean by the word class.

I don't get the feeling that the 'class' of the family worries the op in the slightest. More the culture and lifestyle.

OP You've obviously coped well up to now and I suspect (but don't know) that what is worrying you is the potential for trouble at any weddings which may happen in the future.

As others have said it is your children's decision who is invited to any such even and they have grown up with these people in the family so are as aware as you if there is any potential for trouble and will plan accordingly. Maybe by having a wedding abroad, a small wedding - possibly with a couple of separate celebratory parties or they will not care and will invite everyone and let them get on with it.

Do you know what your DC think about their dad's side of the family?

Maybe you will just have to trust them to make a sensible decision.

BenWillbondsPants · 28/05/2019 10:34

OP, I think you're getting a hard time for your choice of words.

I think I get what you're trying to say, though it's nothing to do with class etc. I don't spend time with my cousin anymore because I simply don't like the life choices she has made. She has never worked, she has 5 children by 5 different men, she apparently 'knows how to work to system' (her words), her poor kids get very little attention from her - her eldest has decided to go and live with his dad, who has been trying to be involved for years, she swears at her kids constantly and starts arguments at every single fucking family event we've ever had.

Not everyone acts like this because of their class, some people are just arseholes.

kateandme · 28/05/2019 10:36

goes out in pjamas oh goodness me sybil get me my smelling salts!

Grahamcrackers · 28/05/2019 10:41

I don’t think it’s to do with class. My ILs are council house tenants, are used to drugs raids in their street and jeer at authority. An uncle has been in prison. My sister in law has several children by several fathers and MIL steals. What has that to do with class? I don’t think it’s a class, it’s a mindset. More to do with s lack of intelligence.

speakout · 28/05/2019 13:28

More to do with s lack of intelligence.

This thread is getting worse.

Gth1234 · 28/05/2019 17:37

Actually, it is pretty well a class issue. You may not want to admit it, but it is. Really. IMO

HollySniffs · 28/05/2019 17:57

You get cunts of all classes.

And the opposite.

Grahamcrackers · 29/05/2019 20:01

speakout, what does that mean? My in-laws are ignorant chavs. It is to do with a lack of intelligence.

BenWillbondsPants · 29/05/2019 20:20

Actually, it is pretty well a class issue. You may not want to admit it, but it is. Really. IMO

I have a very different opinion on this. My cousin comes from a pretty wealthy upper middle class family. She's just lazy and entitled. Despite having a private education and a degree from excellent university, she really never had any intention of doing anything positive with her life. Working is 'for the masses' apparently. Even her own parents only have contact with their grandchildren, but rarely her.

ethelfleda · 29/05/2019 20:40

I think the thread title is genius OP. Mention the ‘c’ word on MN and you’ll get a fuck ton of replies

IceCreamSoda99 · 29/05/2019 22:53

If you are worried about future weddings don't be, it wi be up to your children if they want to invite their aunts and cousins not you.

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 29/05/2019 22:57

OP, what you're describing is social class divisions, I agree.

scousetea · 31/05/2019 12:38

FiddlesticksAkimbo

OP, what you're describing is social class divisions, I agree.

I know it’s not true that the lower or working class are all swearing alcoholics with no manners, an aggressive outlook towards those with more money and sophistication but I do think that living in a place or amongst people that do behave Iike the OP and others have described means they sink to that level.

My FH says his parents were never badly behaved when he was a child living elsewhere, but when they moved to a council estate in Wirral when he was a teen (circumstances changed entirely through MIL’s bad choices) they started drinking every day, gave up work hours to enable them to drink more the night before, scammed people (no tv licence, that sort of thing) because “everyone does it”. Every day they were amongst people who dealt drugs, were paralytic in the street, had fights... SIL slept with half the estate, even married men, and MIL didn’t think it was out of the ordinary, just “what youngsters do”

DH says he doesn’t recognise his parents now. The racist, homophobic and ablest remarks, the way they shout at people on the street, the dishonesty...

I’ve never known them to be different but he’s embarrassed about them. Wouldn’t even have a big wedding because he didn’t want them to meet my family or our friends!

Bluerussian · 31/05/2019 12:50

I don't think it would be unreasonable for you to ask them not to use bad language in front of your children, eg, "Shush, children present", with a smile.

You might find they are quite tender with your children. People like that often are. No-one is all bad.

Frankola · 31/05/2019 12:56

Oh dear pulls up a chair and reaches for popcorn.

There are a lot of rich criminals in the world too OP.

I don't think being a criminal or much else of what you've described here relates to class.

scousetea · 31/05/2019 13:00

People like that often are.

Why do you think that?

My ILs aren’t, it’s school of hard knocks with them. Whatever FIL says, goes (he wants the football on the tv so no talking allowed but GC not allowed to go into another room either) and MIL is a shamer.

whatwouldbigfatfannydo · 31/05/2019 13:10

Ah OP....Not to worry, I've solved it!

Now, considering you are looking down your nose at his siblings with their horrifying levels of procreation and pitifully limited vocabulary (reading between the lines, I suppose you really mean that they're uneducated), I would suggest the term you are looking for, as an alternative to working class, is the great unwashed the lower class!

HTH

whatwouldbigfatfannydo · 31/05/2019 13:16

Now, happily I am far, far removed from the middle and upper echelons thanks to being dragged up in a deprived area by a single mother. So, I could be entirely wrong, but maybe your in-laws would appreciate you taking your judgements elsewhere and not even bothering to invite them anywhere! I know I'd prefer not to be in the company of such unbridled, sickening snobbery

And yes to a pp...multiple children, houses paid for, jobless, living a life of luxury thanks to the tax payers...sounds very much like our dear royal family and their ever increasing brood!

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 31/05/2019 13:21

I would suggest the term you are looking for, as an alternative to working class, is the great unwashed the lower class!

Am I to take it that the Mumsnet consensus is that

a) social class does not exist;

b) it does, but we can't attribute particular characteristics to it; or

c) we can, but we just disagree what those characteristics are?

I need to know to avoid being labelled as grim (cast into the grim bin?) And what a very British discussion!

BlackPrism · 31/05/2019 14:28

@Gymbun the class you're describing is called the 'precariat'

BlackPrism · 31/05/2019 14:32

Or the underclass but I don't like that term

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 31/05/2019 14:37

... or
d) It's all fine but we have to find the right label for the classes below us?

whatwouldbigfatfannydo · 31/05/2019 14:53

@fiddle

I'd hedge my bets on D. Or else how could well-to-dos post about how outrageously scummy they are and ask how best to protect their precious children!?

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