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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Married in to a different class

124 replies

Gymbun · 28/04/2019 14:31

I'm happily married. We've been together for nearly 30 years and I adore my husband, he truly is the love of my life. We met whilst on holiday and it was love at first sight. I would have given up everything just to be with him. I come from a wealthy family, who are quite strict in certain ways, especially how you behave etc. He comes from a poor family which in itself makes no difference what so ever. Together we have built up a good life for us and our 2 children, our eldest is in university now. He gets on great with my family who all love him. I got on great with his mum who unfortunately passed away a couple of years ago. However, his sisters live a different life from us. I'm not talking about money, I'm talking about the actual life. They've all got 6 children each, none of them work, some of their kids have been in prison and they only language they know is effing and jeffing. I hate taking my kids there and hate any family gatherings because of this. How have other people dealt with this? I don't go there and think I'm better than them, I know that's what some people here will say, but I don't. I try not to say too much to my husband because it's his family after all. I just want some ideas what others have done or would have done. Tia

OP posts:
Springwalk · 28/04/2019 15:07

I have the same problem with dh family. We never see them. We will occasionally turn up for a funeral or an 80th (minus the dc because I can’t trust them to be appropriate)
They weren’t invited to any weddings, including ours, because they start fights and things.
You need to distance yourself massively. Christmas cards and gifts sent if you do them.
You don’t have to have any kind of relationship with them. They probably don’t like you very much either.
When it comes to weddings if it happens, discuss with your dc and I am sure a solution will come. They may choose to get married overseas anyway.

outsho · 28/04/2019 15:08

This really isn’t a class issue. Plenty of upper class people have never worked a day in their lives and have multiple children too 🙄.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/04/2019 15:10

You don’t have to invite them to any gatherings or weddings if they are too unsavoury.

DeadWife · 28/04/2019 15:11

I'm acquainted with what would be perceived as upper class family, totally coincidentally through a family connection. They live in an under heated pile, drive slightly battered 4x4s and the wife says "cunt" quite frequently. Only one of their 3 children is academic. One is truly work shy.

No offence but to assume all people of one social class all act the same and judge them for that reason is very shortsighted. If I were to join you and do so I'd say your attitude is very Middle -class in a Hyacinth Bucket way that you care so much. Working and Upper tend to give far less of a shit generally.

pilates · 28/04/2019 15:13

Your eldest is an adult and so I wouldn’t be protecting him from your husband’s family. I’m sure he will form his own opinions. Out of interest, do you think your husband would have chosen a different path if he hadn’t of met you?

liquidfootball · 28/04/2019 15:13

'I worry about stupid things like, what about when one of mine gets married. God the thought of inviting them to it kills me!'

You wouldn't be inviting anyone - your dc would.

Which 'class' do you claim to be op?

Itsnotme123 · 28/04/2019 15:15

Erm getting back to the point of your question, I’m also attached (not married) to someone who is in a different ‘world’ to me. He has friends who eff all the time.

You’ve been married to this guy for 30 years, so you’re not finding him the problem, it’s his family who you don’t have to see but to keep on good terms you do.

How about seeing them as little as possible and explaining to your children the situation, and it’s not a good way to communicate.

DeaflySilence · 28/04/2019 15:15

"I just want some ideas what others have done or would have done."

I spend time with people I like, enjoy and/or am comfortable with. Where there is a choice, I don't spend time with people I don't like, don't enjoy and/or am not comfortable with.

I cannot imagine making any such choice based on 'class', or indeed focusing on 'class' in that way (although I am aware that such focus can sometimes be very common on mumsnet and indeed, for all I know, may well also be in real life).

I do think it's strange that you are focusing upon 'class', @Gymbun. Is that something you generally do? It rather sounds to me as if you simply dislike them (which possibly could be fair enough, you don't have to like everyone, even if related).

BillyGoatGruff007 · 28/04/2019 15:15

Do you honestly believe that your children aren't hearing "effing and jeffing" every day among their peers ?
Indeed, I'd be surprised if the dc aren't doing it themselves.

Original poster
Gymbun · 28/04/2019 15:16

Pilates, I'm not sure actually. He would have worked and wouldn't have been a criminal i don't think! Although his upbringing wasn't easy and he constantly tells us all how he had a plastic shopping bag as a school bag. It's quite sad really but I think and hope it made him a stronger person. Some of his old friends that he still sees went down the criminal path though.

OP posts:
ChandelierLizzid · 28/04/2019 15:17

Are they nice people though?

Half of my family fit the description you put in terms of never working and some kids with criminal records, but that side of my family have always been more welcoming to me than the other, richer side.

TheBulb · 28/04/2019 15:19

How many SILs do you have, OP? Them ‘all’ having six children apiece sounds rather copious.

Romax · 28/04/2019 15:24

You’re thirty years in to this situation

If you don’t know the answer, then I highly doubt anyone else will be able to offer you anything useful!

mimibunz · 28/04/2019 15:26

Just go LC with them. You don’t have to feel bad about not wanting people in your life who don’t share your values. MN will call you a snob and say that all that matters is ‘being a nice person”. Personally, the criminals and druggy relatives can stay away. No need to apologise.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 28/04/2019 15:30

She is being called a snob because she mentioned class and made sure she let us all know she had a wealthy family whilst his was poor. Neither of which is at all relevant to swearing or criminal activity

Original poster
Gymbun · 28/04/2019 15:34

If I was such a snob, I wouldn't have married him. But it's a fact that my family is wealthy and his is Not. How we live our life now is how we have made it ourselves.

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 28/04/2019 15:36

So why the need to mention it then?

brizzlemint · 28/04/2019 15:38

TBH I don't think I'd want to know them or you, them for the obvious reasons but you because you are happy to post about your family on a public forum with identifying details and out and out snobbery. If you find them that bad (and they presumably don't think much of you either) then why on earth did you marry into the family?

DeaflySilence · 28/04/2019 15:40

"But it's a fact that my family is wealthy and his is Not."

Do you equate 'wealth' with '(higher) class', @Gymbun?

Dippypippy1980 · 28/04/2019 15:41

I know exactly what you are trying to express.

In my family we shave one member whose life has been very different to ours. My parent generation and my generation all worked hard, all the now adult members of my generation went to university and have professional jobs.

Apart from one who was brought up very differently - he has never worked, his language is offensive, he is rude and loud and to be honest is an embarrassment at any function. His family are they type who wear pjs out and about - two sons have been in prison,

I don’t think it Is a class issue - he is not working class as he has never worked. He had the same opportunities as may parents growing up - but chose this very different path.

To be honest, I dislike him and avoid him at all costs. I refused to have him at my wedding - which caused some family upset.

Dippypippy1980 · 28/04/2019 15:42

We have - we don’t shave him 😂

VladmirsPoutine · 28/04/2019 15:43

How is this now an issue 30 years later and one child in university?

I'm going to overlook the way you co-opted fecklessness as being a class trait.

Yabu.

Bluntness100 · 28/04/2019 15:45

I also think this is deeply Unpleasant. I came from a poor background. My brother is a druggie who has been to jail and I suspect he is also an alcoholic. My husband was brought up very middle class. Bizzarely although he is a high earner, I now out earn him massively and I would say I'm the one who runs to more middle class activities.

My husband has never once been anything but accepting. If I wanted to visit he came with me. He's never been negative. He doesn't join in if I am. And although I chose to go no contact, he himself was the one who asked if I was sure. Checked if I was ok. And if I ever changed my mind, he'd be at my side in a shot, supporting me.

Because if you love and care about someone that's what you do
Let them take the lead. Not judge. And be there to support them. Not make them feel worse. Or point out the obvious.

Not this judgemental one man shit show you're currently staring in.

My daughter has effectively grown up wealthy. She's privately educated from the age of four. I would hope to god I've led by example and she never ever judges a partner's family as you do. Her current partner grew up in abject poverty and my daughter goes there happily and enjoys her time, and is nothing but supportive of the issues the family face.

Original poster
Gymbun · 28/04/2019 15:48

I actually find some of these responses quite funny. And identifiable information??? No one believe me can identify me or any of my family from this. I adore my husband and I don't look down at him. People read and react to what they want.

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 28/04/2019 15:50

“I fell so in love with him that I didn't care what family he was from!“

Apart from you clearly do because you’re complaining about them.