Married in to a different class

[Gymbun]

I'm happily married. We've been together for nearly 30 years and I adore my husband, he truly is the love of my life. We met whilst on holiday and it was love at first sight. I would have given up everything just to be with him. I come from a wealthy family, who are quite strict in certain ways, especially how you behave etc. He comes from a poor family which in itself makes no difference what so ever. Together we have built up a good life for us and our 2 children, our eldest is in university now. He gets on great with my family who all love him. I got on great with his mum who unfortunately passed away a couple of years ago. However, his sisters live a different life from us. I'm not talking about money, I'm talking about the actual life. They've all got 6 children each, none of them work, some of their kids have been in prison and they only language they know is effing and jeffing. I hate taking my kids there and hate any family gatherings because of this. How have other people dealt with this? I don't go there and think I'm better than them, I know that's what some people here will say, but I don't. I try not to say too much to my husband because it's his family after all. I just want some ideas what others have done or would have done. Tia

Do they look like the people on Jeremy Kyle and have rotten teeth, by any chance?

You seem quite confused about the relationship between wealth, class and fecklessness, OP.

And identifiable information??? No one believe me can identify me or any of my family from this.

Really? They wouldn't recognise themselves? Of course not.

As many have said it's not a class issue.
Not the same situation but my best friend is from a family a bit like what you've described, with her - career criminals in and out of prison, they socialise with very unpleasant and dangerous types, shoplift their groceries, a lot of drug dealing, drug taking, death from drugs, loan sharks around, freely admit they have never and will never work and will make up whatever lies necessary to get maximum benefits forever.
My friend is the odd one out but I see them at any large gathering she holds.
Fortunately because I'm her friend they're fine with me even though I obviously have a completely different life to them and have never treated me as though I'm the odd one out. In a way they're likeable when you're just talking to them normally, but I don't like the things they do.
I wouldn't like to socialise with them more often than I do though.
I would say go LC, be nice to them like they're exactly the same to you and don't worry about them influencing your DC, I don't think that would happen unless your DC were around them constantly and under their care.

i get u dont like them but why is it bothering you now after 30 years?

My brother's step-daughters sound like your husband's family. So I know what you're trying to say, OP. I'd find it hard to explain how I feel about them and what bothers me, too. Or at least hard to say it without sounding like a massive snob. And I'm not wealthy.
Their views are awful, they're screwing the benefit system, and their partners have been in various sorts of trouble. Oh, and half the time, half of them aren't speaking to the other half because of some perceived slight. And the language they use is front of their kids is awful.
Fortunately we don't live near them, or see them these days (by circumstance, not decision). So wedding invitations (and we have one in the offing) only go to my brother and his wife. But I have an extra degree of separation compared to you, so it's doable.

Do you have much to do with them?

I would also say that something of the worst human beings I am met in my life where in the small middle class town I grew up in. They had money, but absolutely no morals or manners. Many where even elders in the local church.

I don’t think it’s these people class you object to, but their outlook on life and behaviours. Abhorrent people can be found in every walk of life.

i get u dont like them but why is it bothering you now after 30 years?

I wonder if the OP has got to a point in her life where she's wondering why she should put up with/spend time with people she doesn't like much?

I think it's a middle-aged thing, you're comfortable in your own skin and you stop trying to please other people. I'm 45 and I hit this point a couple of years ago! I' now accept that I just don't have anything in common with some people and while I'm polite when I see them, I don't try especially hard anymore. Life's too short to spend time with people you don't like/who don't like you either.

Just go LC and let things be. If your DH wants to see his family more often, fine. You don't need to be involved.

Working class people work though. The people you described are clearly unemployed former criminals who don’t work; so how are they working class?

how indeed. Funny how lots of posters were eager to leap to the assumption that they are working class - given the OP never mentioned the words working class at all. Says more about what those posters think than the OP.

It hasn't anything to do with class, OP. It has to do with the type of people his sisters are. You don't like them or approve of them which is fine - we don't have to like everyone and despite what people say on MN, it actually is ok to judge people's actions. Let your dh meet up with them if he wants - you don't have to and you don't have to encourage your children to meet them either if they don't want to.

I don't know what class she thinks they are, but her op is entitled married to a different class. And it's very clear she feels she's a class above them. Not that they are above her.

I think she fails to understand is they are her family too now.

If you don't like them, don't hang out with them, simple!

Exactly @Bluntness100. Whatever class they are is irrelevant as is the fact that they are from a poor background. So there was no need for either to be mentioned.

If you've been together 30 years, how come it's suddenly an issue?

Your kids sound old enough to decide who they associate with. If they don’t want to go and see their cousins then that’s fine. If they do, then that’s their choice.

Also, it’s a bit late to be worried about people swearing in front of your kids when they’re the age that they are. If they were much younger then I could understand your point. However, it’s likely that your kids do their fair share of swearing when you’re out of earshot.

Finally, you say you hate the thought of the family attending the weddings of your children. Frankly this is not your concern at all. It’s up to your children who they invite to their weddings.

It's hilarious how snob posters accuse the OP about being a snob when they are the ones making so much judgment against working class.

OP, it's pretty much in your DH's hands. You cannot stop him from seeing his family, but you can keep it to a minimum and absolutely not encourage any relationship between the cousins. It's fine to see your partner's family only once a year and for the odd wedding and funeral, they are not your family, you don't have to be close

I am in a similar position OP. It is probably one of the reasons we are not married. My parents have never met my ILs or any of the family. The mix would just not work and it helps that they live at other ends of the country. That said, I probably enjoy the company of some of my under-educated, benefit-living, ILs more than I do my own family - they are quite a lot of fun!

The thing is you need to teach your children to grow up to accept and not judge, to spend time with people based on their behaviour to uou, not their life choices or personal circumstances. Be that rich, poor, whatever.

If you yourself are unable to do that. And you judge based on circumstances and life choices. Then you will be unable to teach your children and should recognise your own failings. Being able to socialise across the spectrum, to have empathy, to judge people on who they are, not what they are, is an important life skill that only benefits.

Oh come on, have you seen Kate Middleton's embarassing uncle Gary? Family, you don't choose them, if you've managed 30 years a few more won't hurt anyone.

You have some odd ideas about class, OP. Some of the sweariest people I have known have come straight out of what my late mother called the "top drawer". The first time I heard someone say "fuck" in the workplace, it was a marquess.

And as for going to prison, that's not unknown among posh people, either. The Duke of Marlborough, Marquess of Bristol and Darius Guppy spring to mind.

Anyone else thinking this? It's just like the program.,,

Ok bluntness you have made your point, no need for that.

This really isn’t a class issue. Plenty of upper class people have never worked a day in their lives and have multiple children too 🙄.

I am the child of the kind of mixed marriage you describe. One parent from an upper middle class background, one parent from an exceptionally poor working class background.

You learn to adapt depending on who you are with. Family A wanted to talk about education a lot, were church elders, are respected in the community, have much nicer houses but can be really judgemental when my choices (including choices of partner who do manual work) don't meet with their expectations. They were pretty mean when my DD decided to take a break from education after school for example.

Family B are mostly working, bringing up families, have kids young. There are a couple of dodgy characters, the alcoholic uncle who kept producing kids to abandon, the cousin with drug induced schizophrenia, the cousin who is currently in jail for agreeing to carry a drugs package. This side does far better parties.

It is perfectly acceptable not to invite relatives who will behave badly to family events. One particular relative was excluded from a wedding because the B+G knew it would end in drunken drama filled fights.

The families don't mix well, when they are forced to meet there is politeness but too big of a gap to bridge. I'm worried about the working class side being judged and the other side feeling shocked and everyone feeling uncomfortable.

I'm somewhere in between but am reasonably comfortable mixing with both sides.

What class is there for people who's never worked and never will be and has children just for a free house and free ride?

I think Jeremy Kyle is a vile greedybtv presenter preying on putting some people s lives under the microscope for ridicule.

He is party to a disgusting sneering at what has become a 'class' distinction.

I have seen upper class behave illegally, think they're above others, and can do what they like (roaring drunk, dangerous, irresposhirking, entitled, cruel, shirking - DofE springs to mind also) I hate that a conversation around anyone's behaviours revolves around class.

It doesnt.

OP you introduced this as a difference in class. That statement above alone shows very poor composition.

If you don't like the behaviours of some, then steer clear, but making it about 'types' is classist and irrevelent.

I see a lot of threads like this in MN and all it does is support false stereotypes and is harmful in promoting links between behaviours and types.

I have also seen many threads taken down for it, just yesterday another one went poof for its dubious intent.

Classist claptrap

Ok bluntness you have made your point, no need for that

Eh?