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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Married in to a different class

124 replies

Gymbun · 28/04/2019 14:31

I'm happily married. We've been together for nearly 30 years and I adore my husband, he truly is the love of my life. We met whilst on holiday and it was love at first sight. I would have given up everything just to be with him. I come from a wealthy family, who are quite strict in certain ways, especially how you behave etc. He comes from a poor family which in itself makes no difference what so ever. Together we have built up a good life for us and our 2 children, our eldest is in university now. He gets on great with my family who all love him. I got on great with his mum who unfortunately passed away a couple of years ago. However, his sisters live a different life from us. I'm not talking about money, I'm talking about the actual life. They've all got 6 children each, none of them work, some of their kids have been in prison and they only language they know is effing and jeffing. I hate taking my kids there and hate any family gatherings because of this. How have other people dealt with this? I don't go there and think I'm better than them, I know that's what some people here will say, but I don't. I try not to say too much to my husband because it's his family after all. I just want some ideas what others have done or would have done. Tia

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 28/04/2019 18:08

Plenty of upper class people have never worked a day in their lives and have multiple children too

Yeh and they can fund that themselves...big difference

Smotheroffive · 28/04/2019 18:10

Unnecessary over-zealous Pilates

It's hardly awfully offensive is it?! It's also already been alluded to ^thread. Hmm

AhhhHereItGoes · 28/04/2019 18:24

Not about class so much as attitude.

I feel this way about my DHs family sometimes but we are both WC .

It's just that they swear a lot, can be incredibly abrupt and rude to each other and their kids and can be blasé about violence.

My family are not perfect so expect there are things about my family DH doesn't like. I think it's more how you deal with it than actually feeling that way in the first place iyswim?

OrangeJellySpread · 28/04/2019 19:06

So many chips on shoulders around here.

I'm in similar situation. DH's relatives are working class. They are nice people but not my cup of tea except my late FIL who was truly a gem. The last I saw them was two years ago and I prefer it that way. They prefer it that way too. Doesnt make any of us a bad person, we just dont fit.

bumblenbean · 28/04/2019 19:15

Surely it depends how your DH feels? If he loves his sisters and wants to spend time with them, you should support that because he’s your husband and it would be churlish and quite hurtful not to. If he dislikes them as much as you do, don’t see them. Seems quite simple to me.

dudsville · 28/04/2019 19:19

I think your issue is on thinning that they represent you. You fear a wedding, because it because your people will judge you? If they do that says more about them than you. Let it go. Embrace your family for the varied characters in it.

SciFiRules · 28/04/2019 19:34

How cold you describe anyone who without other means of support chooses not to work as a nice person? I not including SAHMs obviously but working age people who loaf? It's too much of a character flaw to over look.
OP I would to to have as little contact as possible going forward. There is little else to do.

optimisticpessimist01 · 28/04/2019 19:44

You've shot yourself in the foot here. You sound very condescending by mentioning that your family is very wealthy and DH's not, hence insinuating that you are middle class and DH is working/lower class.

Whether you actually here or not, you sound very judgmental

For what its worth, I have some family who had several kids young and never worked a "proper" job, they are more welcoming and friendly than the more prosperous side of my family, despite their swearing and lifestyle.

You have been with him for 30 years, to mention it now is very bizarre. You shouldn't be concerned about your children inviting them to a wedding etc, its their choice. I'm sure they're not as much as a bad influence as your brain is making out they are. Just because they have a lot of children/don't work doesn't make them awful human beings

sweeneytoddsrazor · 28/04/2019 20:01

@OrangeJellySpread. It's not a question of people having a chip on their shoulders its the fact that OP mentions money and class thereby insinuating that is the reason for their behaviour.
People can be arses whatever their class or financial circumstances.

LuckyLou7 · 28/04/2019 20:45

How many sisters each with 6 kids apiece? Yet the family won't be able to identify themselves on here. And why has it taken you THIRTY YEARS to realise you don't want close contact with his side of the family? There must have been birthdays, Christmas, all sorts of family occasions to attend/decline to attend before now.

Trebla · 28/04/2019 22:03

Hi, I think I understand. I was born into extreme poverty and grew up in an area of dense council housing with 'poor' life outcomes, spent time in care myself and now have a PHD and run my own business. We tried moving back to our 'home' town after our first child to be nearer family but only lasted 4 months as it was all to raw and we (OH and I) dont share many cultural similarities or values as the general population (not everyone, but fairly prevalant). We simply moved away again and now live in another country (although that's nor directly related). But it does indicate we found our tribe elsewhere and limited contact with old friends and family whom we had grown apart from/find it difficult to find common ground with. You are in charge of who you spend time with. Employ some agency and limit contact if you find it difficult to be around them because of their behaviour (which I think has been conflated with social class). On paper my life looks very different to the accent that comes our of my mouth! If their life choices make you uncomfortable, utilise your choice to limit contact.

Trebla · 28/04/2019 22:10

Just to add, on the rare occasion we go 'home' now we have a blast by just going with the flow and focussing on what the good elements are. Although granted this wears off quickly so perhaps you could simply try that approach and suspend your judgement for a wee time and see what fun there is to be found by looking for the good.

Sofagirl · 28/04/2019 22:32

Be the best person you can be when you are with them - it may rub off on them

We’re all from different walks of life, that’s the joy of it

At the same time protect yourself and don’t spend more time with them than you have to if you feel they are too rough and out of line

But if they’re not drug dealers, muggers, alkies or murderers then how bad can it be? Grin

Grahamcrackers · 28/05/2019 07:11

I agree with AmICrazyorWhat2. You get to a stage in your life where you won’t put up with them any more.

My in-laws are like this. One was in the national papers for threatening someone. My MIL denied it even though it was there, literally in black and white with a colour photo and his name! The default position is to lie. When my DH pointed out to her that it was indeed his uncle, she said he had been “fitted up”. Like something off The Sweeney 😂 .

I decided a few years ago that I would never see them. They are just too dishonest, rude, nasty and embarrassing to spend time with. DH blames the council estate they lived on but they got out of there years ago. They don’t want to change, not even to see their grandchildren. The amount of alcohol they consume exacerbates the issue.

frantastic1 · 28/05/2019 08:25

I completely understand your point (couldn't care less about the choice of wording and use of class I knew what you meant) and have a very similar situation on my side of the family. My mum was married before marrying my Dad. Together mum and Dad had a comfortable life together. My mums son from her first marriage chose a women very similar to the ones you describe. They all live together (9, 3 generations) in a 3 bed council house through choice. They do smoke, swear, argue, drink a lot and it's unbearable being around them. My son is 4. I've made a conscious decision to have nothing to do with them. It hurts my mum but they bring nothing to my life and I don't wish my son to be around that environment whilst I can control it. The breaking point was when he was 2 and I didn't give him sugar. They tried to belittle me and give him sugar, telling me I'd bring up a strange child with no friends. If you get nothing from this relationship walk away.

DreamsOfDownUnder · 28/05/2019 08:50

I don't think this is anything to do with class. I am a working class single mum who works part time, and speaks 'properly'. I come from a forces background where drinking heavily and swearing in context was the norm in certain situations (right time, right place and all that). But god frobid I didn't speak properly and swore in front my family.

I would never ever, take my daughter to somewhere that there are vulgar people, realtives or not, who can't be bothered to work, have 6 kids so they don't have to and eff and jeff no matter where they are or who they are around. I don't have to be upper working class/middle class to keep my child away from such environments.

Isatis · 28/05/2019 09:06

What does your husband think about them? If he's a hard worker, I wouldn't have thought he'd be too impressed? Sounds to me as if you need to go lower and lower contact till they're not really in your lives any more.

Hullygully · 28/05/2019 09:08

If I were you, OP, I'd post again under a different name without mentioning the apparently triggering word "class" (even though all the holier than thous know exactly what you mean), and perhaps get more helpful responses.

BlackcurrantJamontoast · 28/05/2019 09:09

Money doesn't equal class. You don't have high level of education? Does he?

BlackcurrantJamontoast · 28/05/2019 09:15

Oh, I just saw the Tia- you are a regular wind up merchant, I recognise the style now.

Wank away lovey.

Saharafordessert · 28/05/2019 09:16

Surely this would have been more of an issue when your children were small and more likely to pick up on the bad language etc
Seeing as they are older now I imagine they’ll make up their own minds as to what’s appropriate or not.

leckford · 28/05/2019 09:19

Sometimes you have to walk away from family members for a happier life. What do you get out of seeing them?

Gwenhwyfar · 28/05/2019 09:48

" just because someone is in a lower class it doesn't automatically mean their vocabulary is limited to swearing."

I live in a deprived area. There's a LOT of swearing, including in front of children and AT children, such as calling children little c*s. It's not everyone (I live here and don't do it!), but it's pretty generalised as is littering and petty criminality.

speakout · 28/05/2019 09:51

What class is there for people who's never worked and never will be and has children just for a free house and free ride?

Upper class.

Jaxhog · 28/05/2019 10:11

The Op never said they were working class so no need for people to get so defensive! I think she's using 'class' to denote 'lifestyle'.

I would limit contact if a relative's lifestyle is a fundamentally different one that you don't want your kids to think is normal.

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