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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum says she regrets having us

88 replies

Dandylion22 · 28/04/2019 14:04

Name changed for privacy reasons.

I am in my mid 30s and have a sibling who is a bit younger than me.

My sibling has recently had her second child and I'm currently not sure whether I want my own although I love being around them.

My mum has been telling us both how if she had her time again she wouldn't have had us as it ruined her life career wise and financially. She says she is certain of this and I shouldn't have them either. This comes up every time we are visiting my sister and her children. She was always emotionally distant with us both and usually very angry. She left our father (my step-dad) for another man and he has told me if he had his time over, he would have drowned his kids at birth! It is since being with him that she has become very vocal about her regrets.

I am estranged from my biological father and grew up not knowing about him. When I did contact him, he had very similar views re having me, telling me he felt it was best for him that he wasn't in my life.

Has anyone else experienced such attitudes from their parents? AIBU to find this all quite hurtful? I am recently out of a long term relationship and I'm realising that I have huge trust issues and think this might be related. I understand everyone must have moments when they wonder what their life would have been like without children, but is it normal to be so cold about this? A part of me appreciates their honestly, but is it really necessary to be this vocal to your kids about how you regret having them?

OP posts:
mmgirish · 28/04/2019 14:14

OMG you poor thing. That's terrible. What awful people. Do you have any access to counselling at all? It might help to discuss this with a professional.

CurtainsOpen · 28/04/2019 14:17

Just stop visiting then. Screw her. If she doesn't want, then she shouldn't get.

haverhill · 28/04/2019 14:21

Blimey, your mum is outrageously insensitive to say that to you! No, it’s not necessary to tell your kids this, even if it’s how you feel. I think women of her generation felt obliged to have kids and didn’t have the choices we do.

OVienna · 28/04/2019 14:22

Tell her to fuck off with 'insights.' Positively shameful.

NameChangerAmI · 28/04/2019 14:26

OP, it sounds like your mother wasn't fit to be a mother, if that's not an inappropriate thing for me to say.

It's not normal, no.

If it were me, I'd try and find the strength to go NC with her, she doesn't deserve to be in your life.

Does she bring anything positive to your life?

Has she said the same thing to your sister?

NaBiAgOl · 28/04/2019 14:27

As a single mother to two children myself, I now question the narrative that was presented to me, ie, have children to be fulfilled. I should have stayed single forever rather than fall for that line.

However, my own mother said to me that she should have just had dogs.

So I will not tell my children. My anger is at society, that the burden of childcare and the cost of raising children (practically emotionally and financially) still falls primarily to women. So perhaps, not to defend her, her really feelings are more like that but she is all jumbled up in her thinking, thinking that its her children who limited her life!

My children added to my life but as a single mother who stepped out of the workplace, I'm anger with society at times and have been known to ''go off on one''.

Is your mum a feminist? I would tell her fuck off to redirect her anger towards the patriarchy. Actualy if my own mother tells me she should have just had dogs I'll say the same to her. Although, her view point is that we are not grateful enough.

NameChangerAmI · 28/04/2019 14:27

Ah sorry, I see she has said this to both you and your sister.

Bumshkawahwah · 28/04/2019 14:28

While my mum wasn’t vocal about wishing she hadn’t had me (I was born when she was very young), she also was emotionally distant. We’ve only really been close in times where I have been undemanding and needing nothing from her (while giving a lot to her though). More like i’m a friend, really. I’m in no doubt that given her time again, she would not have had children. She has remarked a couple of times that her getting pregnant was a huge mistake. Which i’m sire it was, but I don’t need to hear that.

I’ve been in therapy for a while now and I’m really starting to see how this has affected me. My self worth is not high and there’s a part of me that definitely thinks I must be unloveable, or not entitled to be anything other than undemanding, amenable and uncomplaining to be liked and accepted.

I’m so sorry your mum is being like this. I’d definitely recommend getting some professional help. It’s hard, but bit by bit, it’s definitely helping me.

Mrsjayy · 28/04/2019 14:30

Your mother should hang her bloody head why does she think telling you this is ok ?

MRex · 28/04/2019 14:33

No, that isn't normal and she must know that it's both hurtful and cruel. You and your sister deserve to be loved, I hope that you love each other enough to make up for your parents. Is there a reason why you want your mother to be in your life? She doesn't sound like she adds much, but rather that she upsets you.

StoppinBy · 28/04/2019 14:35

My Mother told my brother when he was 16 that the only three mistakes she ever made in her life were her children (my brother, myself and my sister).

I now have two beautiful children of my own and while I try not to let it get to me it actually hurts a lot more now than it did when she said it knowing just how much I love my two.

I am sorry that your mother thinks it is reasonable to say it, some people just weren't meant to be parents, it is not a reflection on you, it is a reflection on the shitty kind of people they are that they can say something like that and have no understanding of the impact of those words.

NewAccount270219 · 28/04/2019 14:38

It's interesting that people are very critical of the mother here. I agree that she shouldn't have said this, but 'I am going to tell my daughter not to have children because it isn't worth it' is quite often said, and applauded, on MN. I always think when I read it how horrible it would be to be on the other end of that - I'm sorry that you are, OP.

floribunda18 · 28/04/2019 14:42

Flowers I'm so sorry, OP, what a horrible thing to have someone say to you. I can't imagine life without my DDs. I hope you find much love and kindness in your life.

HoppityChicken · 28/04/2019 14:44

She shouldn't have said it, I would be raging. My mother wished she'd had boys, not girls and called her two cats the names we would've had as boys. The mind boggles, seriously.

Amiable · 28/04/2019 14:46

She sounds toxic. Have you confronted her about this, or her behaviour? I would minimise contact, or even go NC altogether.

WatchingFromTheWings · 28/04/2019 14:47

My 'D'M was the same. Regularly told us all that she wished we'd never been born. Used to tell us how she was close to suffocating my DB one night and how she regrets not having done it (he was born with a disability).

When i was 13 I once found a letter she was writing to a friend. In the letter she wrote how she couldn't wait until we all turned 16 so she could throw us all out. She didn't as the money (child benefit, child maintenance from DF and any educational grants) was far more important. We all left home ASAP, by 19yo. I've been NC for 3 years now.

Original poster
Dandylion22 · 28/04/2019 14:50

Thanks for the replies. I was starting to think maybe I was being too hard on them (especially given I have no kids of my own).

I have had counselling many times over the years. Generally I feel like my mum just sees me as a very big disappointment. As much as she tells me not to have my own, she also has said in her temper a few times 'I had two kids at your age, what have you done'.

My mum's parents were more like my own because of how awful things were at home growing up. I've spent the last 14 years helping to care for both of them (3 years as a full time carer). My mum visits briefly most days but she's quite open about this being a burden too. Last weekend for example she asked if I'd stay home over the full easter break (to care for her parents) as her and her boyfriend wanted to go on holiday. I worry it has all made me co-dependent as I have never felt loved unconditionally. Even my grandparents who I have done so much for won't acknowledge this and can be quite manipulative. My sister doesn't visit them often and they say she means nothing to them as she 'does nothing for us'. I worry that I get my sense of self from putting others before myself but it does get on top of me.

OP posts:
AsleepAllDay · 28/04/2019 14:53

Can you go low contact or NC?

My mum has said this before, often as a really wounding thing to say when angry. It really affected me when I was younger. I know now that it isn't true - she loves us all to death & so on, but it's hard to be confronted by this especially as you feel that she means it

It's very manipulative. Nobody told her to have kids, or forced her to. The fact of your existence isn't of your choosing and if she can't seen any good things about it, then she is very bitter and her capacity to love must be very limited

VaselineOnToast · 28/04/2019 14:53

She sounds like she completely lacks empathy and is blind to how her words and actions affect others. Unfortunately, my mother is also like this. She has always painted herself as a victim who has never done wrong, and it sounds like your mum takes a similar stance.

My mum used to tell me and my brother that our other brother (the youngest) was born to make up for us. And that I was selfish and spoiled, and that everyone in our family hated me. It took me years to realise that SHE was the one with the problem, not me.

I've given up on trying to relate to her. If you can stand to distance yourself from your mother, I'd advise you to... It doesn't sound like anything positive or supportive can come from the relationship.

Comtesse · 28/04/2019 14:53

Sorry OP that sounds dreadful Flowers

You might find a therapist that specialises in attachment theory very helpful for thinking through some of the impact. Your DM will really have done a number on you, no doubt.

How well do you get on with your sister? You may be able to help each other.

Sarcelle · 28/04/2019 14:54

Tell your mum she has been a disappointment as a parent and that you wish you had been born to a more pleasanter person. Even if you do regret having kids, telling them is such a shitty thing to do. I would also kick her out of my life.

Mrsjayy · 28/04/2019 14:54

I missed a chunk out her boyfriend said he would have drowned his kids at birth ? Surely you know there is nothing right about any of that

NaBiAgOl · 28/04/2019 14:54

wow, it sounds like her thoughts are a mess!

She regrets having you allegedly but sees you and your sibling as an achievement or a milestone, eg, ''i had 2 kids at your age, what have you done?''.

Reminds me of my own mother. She wanted more for me but she was still utterly entrenched in the same patriarchal narrative that held her back and shaped her own limited life. I think that she rejected feminism and therefore blamed me (and to a degree, in different ways my sibling) for not making up for what she'd lost. She wasn't able to live vicariously through us and that has of course disappointed her too but if she'd embraced a bit more feminism and rejected the patriarchy and got angry about the fact that her time and her finances ad her career were limited by childcare, then she wouldn't be disappointed in us as she'd have her own rewarding life. I don't think she can even begin to start to unpick all that though, too scary. Easier to wish she'd had dogs.

MRex · 28/04/2019 14:54

Can you drop the grandparents too as they sound no better? You shouldn't sacrifice your own life for people who you don't believe even love you. Cut out the toxic ones and make your own family; your sister, her kids, close friends, a partner when you're ready, your own children if you want them.

Bumbalaya · 28/04/2019 14:56

OP that is an awful thing for you to hear I am so sorry.
I hope you can find a way to get round this and maybe some distance from your mum will be good.