Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Mum says she regrets having us

88 replies

Dandylion22 · 28/04/2019 14:04

Name changed for privacy reasons.

I am in my mid 30s and have a sibling who is a bit younger than me.

My sibling has recently had her second child and I'm currently not sure whether I want my own although I love being around them.

My mum has been telling us both how if she had her time again she wouldn't have had us as it ruined her life career wise and financially. She says she is certain of this and I shouldn't have them either. This comes up every time we are visiting my sister and her children. She was always emotionally distant with us both and usually very angry. She left our father (my step-dad) for another man and he has told me if he had his time over, he would have drowned his kids at birth! It is since being with him that she has become very vocal about her regrets.

I am estranged from my biological father and grew up not knowing about him. When I did contact him, he had very similar views re having me, telling me he felt it was best for him that he wasn't in my life.

Has anyone else experienced such attitudes from their parents? AIBU to find this all quite hurtful? I am recently out of a long term relationship and I'm realising that I have huge trust issues and think this might be related. I understand everyone must have moments when they wonder what their life would have been like without children, but is it normal to be so cold about this? A part of me appreciates their honestly, but is it really necessary to be this vocal to your kids about how you regret having them?

OP posts:

DistanceCall · 29/04/2019 06:16

I have no children, and don't want to have any.

However, if for any reason I had had children and regretted it, I would NEVER IN MY LIFE tell them so, and would try to love them as best I could and make them feel wanted. Children don't ask to be brought into the world.

Your mother is a selfish, despicable, possibly narcissistic person, and I would recommend reducing your contact with her to a minimum or cutting her off completely. I'm so very sorry, OP

Summersunsareglowing · 29/04/2019 06:34

There was a recent MN thread where mothers regretted ever having children which I thought was refreshingly honest. However, while it's one thing to put on a forum discussing how you feel with others it's quite another (very unpleasant) thing to actually tell your children. That is appalling behaviour.

Despite my DM sayng she loves all of us children, I don't actually feel she loves me. It isn't reflected in her behaviour and that is an extremely hard thing to live with.

OP, I really feel for you. I hope that your DM was just expressing her view rather inarticulately. Perhaps she meant that having DC is hard and life-changing and that, although she loves you, her life would have perhaps been easier and different without you. I hope you and your sibling are loved by her.

SerenDippitty · 29/04/2019 07:00

I suspect my mother would have been happier had she not had children but it was just what you did then. She certainly was not keen on the idea of me having them, and when it transpired DH and I couldn’t have them she wasn’t very sympathetic and got quite impatient with me when I was grieving. I think she thought that had I wanted them that badly I would have adopted or even had an affair (she did once suggest this half jokingly). I’m sorry OP , it’s one thing to be honest to your kids about how hard parenting is and want them to make an informed choice, another thing entirely to make it personal about them.

FactsOfLife · 29/04/2019 07:12

Omg! Awful!

I'd definitely cut contact and focus on the relationship with your sister, assuming that is a decent one?

Hazlenutpie · 29/04/2019 07:42

My mum said this to me once. It still hurts. 💐

Happynow001 · 29/04/2019 07:56

My mum's parents were more like my own because of how awful things were at home growing up. I've spent the last 14 years helping to care for both of them (3 years as a full time carer). My mum visits briefly most days but she's quite open about this being a burden too. Last weekend for example she asked if I'd stay home over the full easter break (to care for her parents) as her and her boyfriend wanted to go on holiday. I worry it has all made me co-dependent as I have never felt loved unconditionally.
Careful that you do get some balance in your life OP, and that you don't sacrifice it all away. I can see, when the time comes, that your mother will expect you to be her carer also, if only to pay her back for having given birth to you.

I do think you need to take a step back from your mother and build a life for yourself away from her as far as possible - as your sister is doing - or you'll be trapped in the codependent life you mentioned.

Can you go low contact with her, with support from your counselling do you think? Protect yourself as much as you can and put some emotional distance between you.

Mumof2popppets · 29/04/2019 13:58

Your mum saying that is horrid. But try to understand she obviously has issues. They are also her issues and not yours!

I will tell mine honestly , what having children is like. Both my husband and I had no idea, no one ever talked about it. My mum was keen for me to have kids, I thought we'd finally gotten close. But as soon as they were born she lost interest.

And then I started to struggle, health, mental health. And my mum went on to critizise me for it. I am so angry she never told me. Like a previous poster, I think she wanted me to also suffer. It's even harder knowing that actually it's about the support that makes a difference to how you experience parenthood. Support she purposely withdrew.

I have no support , and I am struggling terrribly. I think I shouldn't have had kids as I'm not coping.

Still, I don't regret them. Clinging on to the hope it will get easier.And I will be there for them , being honest , open and supportive. Hopefully I can break the cycle.

By all means, cut your mum out of your life. But please know, having children requires a lot of suppport. Without that you might struggle.

Sindragosan · 29/04/2019 14:29

Really mean. I think there's a big difference in saying that children had more of an impact on your life than you expected, but its not good to say that you wish you didn't do it to your own child.

I do think people need to be honest about the impact children can have - physically, mentally, financially etc, as well as the responsibility and lifestyle choices that result, but its not fair to blame a child because you didn't know.

Inliverpool1 · 29/04/2019 14:42

Is she joking ? Or is it said in seriousness I can’t imahine anyone actually saying it out loud, I’m sure we’ve all thought it

WildFlower2019 · 29/04/2019 14:46

Remind your mum of this when she's knocking on 85 and needs a bit of looking after.

qazxc · 29/04/2019 15:11

My dad reckons that the only reason that men have children is to "keep the women happy and give them something to do".
My mum says that I was great until the age 2 because I did everything that the baby book said but that she has had to try and "fix me" ever since. She also wishes she hadn't bothered.
There is also a lengthy background of neglect from dad and abuse from mum.
I've realised that they are the ones with a problem, I have minimum contact with them which suits all of us just fine.
If the remarks get to you, could you try cutting her off when she starts / telling her you don't want to hear it.
Also with regards to your grandparents, you do not need to do things for them to buy their love. Love from parents and grandparents, should be unconditional, not a trade off.
Maybe a break from all of them and talking to someone might help you.

NameChangerAmI · 29/04/2019 21:37

KateyKube

I don’t think IABU to convey to my DC the reality that being a parent takes everything else away from you. It doesn’t mean I don’t love my DC. I just don’t want my mistakes to be repeated.

I think if you were to say this to your child, when he/she reaches adulthood (God forbid you say it when he/she is still a child,) it would be extremely hurtful and very unreasonable.

Maybe you might want to pretend parenthood brought some positives and enhanced your life in some small way; maybe swap everything with the words some things. Just to give a balance.

If that's the only advice you pass on, your DC might think that because you couldn't find any positives about being a parent, that that means there are no positives to being a parent.

I'm sure the majority of parents feel that the positives of parenthood outweigh any negatives.

Coyoacan · 29/04/2019 22:24

It does sound like too many people (and one is too many) thought that having children was just getting a nice accessory to their lifestyle and then blame the poor children when they get hit by reality.

Society though should be much more supportive of parents and children. Some people have had awful childhoods and can be tipped over the edge by financial, childcare or couple problems. We owe it to the children to make life easier for parents.

Flip

1 2 3 4